wednes: (NaNo Runner)
I had a big post planned about nihilism and internet trolls.
But I'm behind on the NaNoWriMo and don't want to half ass it. It's pretty good.

Here are some things of note:

The attacks in Paris are awful. What the fuck is wrong with people? And what the fuck is wrong with Americans who want to blame refugees for the attacks. If they didn't vet refugees properly, that sucks. But it doesn't naturally follow that they're all terrorists--or that any of them are. Let's not let our sadness turn to anger and then to hate, comfortable as that may be for many of us.

Got unfriended for calling someone out on fat shaming. It sucks, because it's a person I genuinely like despite a complete inability to deal with opposition. I kind of hate seeing liberals act like petulant children who refuse to see the other side of something. And I'm annoyed yet bored with people who think "Haw haw, fatties are fat," is a funny joke. What are you, 13-fucking-years-old? Besides, I was just pointing it out. I'm not one of those "take that down or I can't be your friend" people. But when someone is being an asshole, it can take a real friend to let them know.

Barbara Kean is way better on Gotham as a villain. Way. Better.

American Horror Story: Hotel has more nudity than I require in my horrorshows. If I wanted to see that many naked people and that much blood-drenched man-on-man or three-way giggity, I'd wait for Game of Thrones to come back. That said, I'm not really mad that I already figured out who the killer is. Much like Shymalan's The Village--it's not really about that. It's about the journey. Plus, Evan Peters has been great this season.

Read Jack Ketchum's Stranglehold this week. Filled me with terror, then profound despair. I was reminded of Mystic River, in that I wanted to hurl it across the room in anger after I finished. But my Kindle is out of warranty, so I refrained. It's a damn good book. I wish I had Ketchum's skill for developing and building suspense. I do have similar skill for the violence, but that's the easy part. I think I do write with a high level of truthfulness, and my dialogue is damn fine. But these are the things we learn just by living in the world and watching it with an eye toward the story. Plotting, storybuilding, setting descriptions--none of that shit comes easy to me. I wish I was able to workshop more, pow wow with other writers and such.

The new book is coming right along. It's got two main characters who are also POV characters (1st person, because that's what I'm best at). One of them is highly unreliable because her roommate keeps stealing her medicine and selling it. The other is just a fucking asshole. It's loosely based on a few fucking assholes I know. Ha! I can't imagine I'll actually finish in time to win the NaNo, but it's gonna be a hell of a good book. I hope to be ready for beta readers by February.

Back

Sep. 18th, 2015 10:49 am
wednes: (OMG!!!)
I have this physical thing going on right now, for the last 2 days actually, where I can't straighten my back and legs at the same time while I'm standing up.

If I want to walk, I gotta hunch over like friggin' Methuselah. Wednes no like.
If I want to stand up straight without crushing low back pain, I have to bend my knees. This is bullshit. My knee is bugging me less because I haven't been pedaling as much. But my back even hurts when I sit at my desk writing. Unacceptable.

If this keeps up, I'm actually going to talk to my doc about it. Honestly, I'm sure most of this is weight related. But I can't just be in constant pain because of it.

Crap.

TV news

May. 10th, 2014 09:25 am
wednes: (TV!!!)
It's May, which means all the new TV news is coming down.

You don't need to be clairvoyant to figure out that Agents of Shield will be back for another season. There's also gonna be a spinoff, and it's not the wacky adventures of HYDRA. Too bad.

Larry Wilmore has been tagged to be Stephen Colbert's replacement. Obviously, it will be a new show, a scripted panel show that I imagine will attract plenty of great guests.

Community was cancelled.
That's some bunk ass bullshit.
Unless Abed gets a spinoff. Then I'll be okay.

Penny Dreadful starts on Sunday. Yeah, I could have watched it early, but I'm a fan of ephemerality and like to pretend TV has some left. I'm hoping it's not just a riff on American Horror Story, but it sort of looks like it. I like the combination of literary characters (Dr Frankenstein, Dorian Gray, Mina Harker), and the cast is strong. I'm reviewing it, so hit me up on Geekbinge if you're watching.

The Maron premiere was fantastic. It's amazing how much I like the show, when I'm confident that I would not like Mark Maron if I ever met him.

Delighted to see that the FCC's internet has been slowed down to modem levels. Not sure how much impact that will have since they're probably all using their tablets and phones with 3G or 4G. Still, fuck those guys.

In not-TV related news, few things depress me as much as seeing a family member post anti-fat hate on their Facebook--and then realizing that they're raising a daughter. You'd think people would want to create a better world for their kids, free from stigma and hate. Okay, maybe that's not possible, but mark my words--that poor kid will be dieting for weight loss long before she's a teenager. Gross.
wednes: (Really?)
Remember last February, when I bought myself a set of Max pajamas from Where the Wild Things Are? Well, I did. And they are adorable. I posted a few snaps of me in them, taken by H (my husband who thinks I'm totally hot). I later put them on Pinterest, on my board "Fat People Existing." It's pretty much what it sounds like--positive and joyful pics of fat people out in the world doing stuff. Or in this case, me in my fly pajamas being cute and hilarious, and yeah...fat.


Today, I see that someone I don't know had reposted it. As you can see, she didn't even bother to change my blurb. To a fat positive board? No. To a costume or fun pajama board? No. To a chicks being silly, clothing that is grey, or pointy-eared people board? No, no, and nope. A total stranger posted a pic of me looking badass--on a board, and I am not kidding, called:
Oh Crap, Fat People!
Whatever, I think. Probably just some dumb teenager who doesn't know what the hell...right? No. I take a closer look, because I can't imagine why this would happen on Pinterest. Isn't it mostly grandmothers and people buying houses or learning about fashion? No.


This is Ally, who thinks mocking fat people she doesn't know is hilarious. But please, no porn in front of the kids. Mockery and hate-speech, sure, but no porn. She has children, and those children are about to have children. Isn't that wonderful? Lest you think that Ally is a mean person, you should know that her Pinterest actually contains the following boards:


And as everyone who follows the teachings of the Bible knows...





Ally knows how to treat people. After all...

She's also really consistent about being healthy, which is why she has the right to mock fat people without a care for the fact that they're a person.

And if all that wasn't absurd enough, Ally is a little wary about hoodies.

So yeah, you wanna make fun of fat people?
You wanna be some kind of bigot bully hypocrite and terrible role model while bragging about your procreation abilities and adherence to the teachings of Christ? Consider this your big fat calling out--You terrible, terrible person.
Courtesy of my being done with work for the night, and not having posted here yet this week.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
Lots of you know that I'm a fan of Health at Every Size. This is a philosophy that essentially says I'm going to eat as well as I can, and exercise regularly. If that doesn't make me lose weight, so fucking what. I'm also a fan of Size Acceptance. This means that if you have some sort of problem with the size that I am, so fucking what. One might say I live on the philosophical corner of MindUrOwnBidniss Ln and HateElsewherePlz Blvd. One of the chick bloggers on FA and HAES I've enjoyed reading is Ragen Chastain. I've been reading her for a long while now. While I do think her blog is hella repetitive, I also think it's full of good information.

But here's the thing...
Like many blogs written with a concrete foundation in feminism, Ragen bends way the hell backward to not offend readers. Every opinion, every statement of philosophy, begins with a long disclaimer stating that just because she says something works for her--she's not telling everyone else that they should do it, or that it's the only right thing for anyone to do. I presume she does this because, on the internet, you can't say anything without someone jumping on you about it. If someone says "Hey, what a lovely sunny day it is" someone else will rag on them for being insensitive to people with skin cancer. If someone says "I lost weight and I feel great," others will undoubtedly ask how they enjoy being a tool of the diet companies. People are dicks, and anyone even remotely visible online needs to have a strategy for dealing with dicks up front.

But see, we all make judgements. I actually think the occasional shaming of idiots can serve to better the world, if only to encourage them to be a little less vocal in their idiocy. We all think that some people look better in certain clothes or with specific haircuts, would be happier dating different people, having a cat instead of a dog, finally admitting they're gay, watching HBO instead of Honey Boo Boo. We've all got opinions about other people and the things they do. Me, I can't shut up about mine.
Still, I don't think having those opinions makes me a hater. I'm not putting people down to feel better about me. I don't think even thinking ugly things about others does not make a person evil or mean-spirited. Own your judgements just like you own every other emotion--even when it doesn't make sense. Just like we eat foods we know are bad for us, miss people we know are actually assholes, we sometimes make judgements about people that we later feel guilty about. That's okay, really.

What's my point? I'm getting to that.
it's about my peeve: What I really, super, dooper hate.
When people pretend they aren't being judgemental when they are. I hate when people, even people like Ragen, whom I admire, do this. If someone you admire is doing something you hate (say, a fat sports hero going on The Biggest Loser) fucking say so. Otherwise, you get into this infuriating sacrificial-grandmother posture. Oh no dear, you just go to that party instead of playing cards with me like we do every Saturday. You make your own decision like the grown lady you are, and if I'm dead when you get back...well, that won't be your fault. You just went to a party.
This whole put-upon narrative of You can do any foolish, harmful thing you want...I'm not saying one single solitary word about it...not ONE WORD... thing is such utter bullshit. Prefacing your judgement with passive-aggressive ranting about how judgemental you're NOT being is uglier than simple judgement would ever be.
Why? Because it's dishonest. It also places the judger on a higher moral level than the person being judged--even though in most situations, the one being judged is actually the one being genuine. Look how judgemental I'm NOT being in the face of so-and-so's complete idiocy. I think it's their right to be an idiot so I'm not saying one word... in the middle of a post where you're saying a bunch of words about the idiocy you just said you weren't judging.

If you think people shouldn't buy or use Slimfast, say so. If you honestly believe it's harmful and dangerous-- don't pretend like you're cool with it either way, and will respect the other party just as much if they do the thing you're making it pretty clear that you don't want them doing. Disclaimer: I don't know Ragen in real life. I've not met her so I have no idea if she's the same in her blog as she is in person. She's certainly not the only person who fits the examples I've described. But it was her recent blog post that burst the dam on this issue.

All people make judgements every day. All of us. Even people like me who barely leave the house these days. I still make judgements about people based on what they say, what they do, how they respond to issues, what they say about their children. We all do this. There's no shame in it. It's how you navigate humanity. If you're constantly treating others in a way you wouldn't want to be treated--well, then you might be an asshole. Get that checked out. If not...relax. Having an opinion, even about other people, is normal, natural, and unavoidable. Opinions are actually part of instinct. We need them for survival, though this is less true on the internets

I'm what my mom used to politely call "mouthy." I've got lots to say, and I'm reasonably good at saying stuff--so I do. If I start becoming a pompous jackass, a rude bitch, or a mean-spirited asshat, I fully expect my friends to tell me that. No, that won't be a fun way to spend an afternoon. I can be rather defensive and difficult if I'm feeling insulted. But I also have enough introspective skill that I can look at the advice objectively and see if there are things I need to address.
I feel that improves me as a person the same way an aggressive editor improves prose. While I do have those moments of "Fuck you, really?" I end up a better person for it in the end. I was being a total snobby bitch about fanfic a while back, and a few people took me to task for it. It wasn't fun, but as I was out of line, it was an asskicking I totally deserved. Just because I hate something, people who like it aren't necessarily vapid morons with nothing to contribute to literature. Who knew, amirite? ;-]

So no, we shouldn't all go around thinking we know what's best for everyone. But if we've got something that we feel strongly enough about that we're sharing it with a wide audience--it should be truthful, honest. If it isn't, it's deceptive, which means it might just as well be manipulative.
Don't manipulate me, just tell me what's up.
I'm a big girl, I can handle it.
wednes: (Pot meets Kettle)
Announcement: If you haven't yet bought a copy of my book The Cat's Apprentice, your time to do so is running out. My former publisher, Stonegarden.net Publishing is going out of business. My horror books are either available now or soon to be reappearing with Crossroad Press.
For those of you who keep asking, I still don't know when The Finster Effect will be out in paperback. Right now Mr Publisherman and I are trying to get the Kiss Me Like You Love Me audiobook up for sale through Audible. Soon...soon...

Some college peeps are coming to see me this Friday, one of these I have not seen in 20 years. A lot of chicks fret about looking older and/or fatter than they did in school. Not me. I was fat then, so nobody is gonna be shocked that I'm fat now. Between being heavy and never having any kids, I tend to look younger than other chicks I graduated with. Plenty of chicks I went to high school with (more the poor high school than the middle class one) are already grandmothers. I can't even imagine...
Anyway, we're having 70's movie night. Crowhaven Farm (which I haven't seen since I was little) and Trilogy of Terror, which I love.
I was gonna make a real cheesecake. I haven't made a real one in some time, and was afraid I'd mess it up and waste the ingredients. I'm trying a less risky fake cheesecake (read: no bake and has Cool Whip) with nutella and my famous cocoa puffs pie crust. Should be tasty, if not exactly gourmet.

Been listening to The National. The band. I like what I'm hearing. And yet, they tend to sort of fade into the background when I'm doing stuff.

And finally, I made the hilarious mistake of trying to cut all the blue out of my hair--while I was tired and kinda high. Now I have super short bangs--the kind I had as a kid. I never got nice looking haircuts as a kid, because my mom just wanted me to not need a haircut for a super long time. H likes it, but I can't wait for my hair to grow back down into my eyes.
Gonna re bleach it and put some color in the front soon. Trying a different brand of color, a blue and a lilac. Pics to come.
wednes: (MamaCass)
I've been getting progressively more brave with my Kinkly articles. I started with something very jokey and general. I moved in to reviewing products and discussing my experiences with them. If that doesn't sound brave, keep in mind that I'm a married woman writing reviews for vibrators that are published on websites and picked up by other websites, stores, and etc so that all over the world, people know that I think the Hitachi magic wand is wicked awesome.

So yeah...

Then I wrote about when I used to be a phonesex op. Before I started doing that, I warned my family that they could un-list me as family if my doing sex work embarrassed them. It didn't.

My new article is on the hot, hot, HOT topic of fat sex. This isn't a hot topic because it's so hot, but because fat flaming on the internet is one of the most brutal and pervasive bastions of online hate, bigotry, judgement, and general nastiness. It's kind of why I'm grateful that the internet wasn't around when I was in school. But I digress.

I wrote all about being fat, being uncomfortable about it, and having sex with a body that has always been...and remains fat. I'm especially nervous because the editor at this site is more assertive than I'm used to, and actually makes changes to things that are different than what I'd have done. The whole thing makes me edgy and tense, and I await the kind of flaming that only the Internets can dish out. So...we shall see.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
Actually I'm not, but that's the stereotype, right?

Few things piss me off as much as people who lose a few pounds and then can't shut up about how everyone ELSE is fat because they do nothing but cram junk in their face, and how everyone ELSE needs to get off their asses and "do something about it." After he lost 100+ pounds (by hiring a personal chef) Mike Huckabee was kind enough to write a book called Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork, which told people that there was "no excuse" for being overweight. Because if he can hire a chef and take time out of his day to jog (because he lives in a neighborhood and climate where that is possible), why can't everyone do it? When asked, Huckabee actually had no idea that many poor neighborhoods don't even have grocery stores, let alone the farmers markets he claims "everyone can afford." He's back to being fat now--fatter than he was before, in fact. He hasn't found the time to apologize to all the fat people he insulted. I wonder what his excuse is.

Now I'm seeing it from people on Facebook, and it's annoying as fuck--what with the blurred lines between people you can't block, and yet can't insult for their arrogance and ignorance. Want a cure for fat? It's called getting off your ass! Hahahahaa, how very funny, and helpful, and not assholish at all. Leading cause of malnutrition? McDonalds! Again, not very funny, or helpful, or even true. It's probably possible to let a kid have soda without sentencing them to a lifetime of obesity. Nor should every person who needs a bathroom break be "accused" of having diabetes.
By all means, keep healthy habits if you want to; and encourage others if that's your bag and they don't mind. But the random, bitchy insults because you lost a few pounds? No. Fuck right off with that shit. Or at least, maintain that weight loss for a year or two before declaring yourself to be everyone's path to enlightened thinness.

Myself, I've gone through some things that led me to tell others of my experiences in the hopes that it would help them. EMDR was helpful to me, so I tell people who have PTSD about it. Giving up caffeine was helpful for me, as was having a sleep study. So if people mention the same symptoms I had, I'll mention that too. But what I could not imagine doing, or at least hope I never EVER do, is insult people because they haven't had the options I've had, or because they made different choices than I. I would really prefer not to be a self-righteous asshole who thinks their experience should be everyone's. If I DO do that, it's my hope that someone will actually tell me.

In other news, my SEX articles are getting picked up and passed around nicely. I've only had a couple up thus far, but they are doing well. If you know anyone who enjoys sex, maybe give them a head's up.

Did I mention that my first book publisher Stonegarden.net is going out of business? They are. So if you kept meaning to get a copy of The Cat's Apprentice, but didn't--time is running oot. This means that my decision to take my horror to Crossroad Press was an awesome one for even more reasons than I realized. They are good guys over there too. Overworked a bit, but passionate about what they do.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
I meant to have H take these pics and post them over the weekend. But them my weekend got kinda wild. Plus you know, I'm not in the habit of posting pics of my whole self online. As much as I talk a good game about fat acceptance, I'm still rather fearful of what haters will say to a fattie like me--because I secretly fear that whatever it is, they are right. That I'm a fatty-fatty-two-by-four (thought what the hell kind of FAT measurement that is, I do not know) who deserves a steaming cup of derision. Yeah...still working on that.


But you know what? Fuck it.
This is what I look like in my new Max pajamas.
No makeup, hell, I didn't even shower today.

And look how goddamn happy I am!

Wolf girls in da house represent!
(I uh...didn't have a scepter handy)

So yeah...I'll eat you up, and soforth.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
My best good friend, The Internet, has played me false.

You may have heard that there's a Facebook "feature" (yes, they're actually calling it a feature) where random things you've liked may now post on your wall as if they are you. In this case, it was Yahoo! who did this to me. So, if you "like" something on any Yahoo! page, you're sending them an invitation to do this to you.

They've begun posting DIET ADS on my Facebook page as if it was me, following up with a comment on how it "really works," my buddies are doing it, etc, lie lie lie.

This is horrifying for several reasons:

1. As an advocate of Body Equality, I am appalled that anyone would think that I'm telling them that they should want to artificially manipulate their body size in the name of "health" or worse, for "attractiveness." Fuck that shit!

2. As an advocate of Health at Every Size, I am disgusted that someone would push a dangerous hormonal diet product to my friends and fans, and to do it under my name as if I think it's a good idea. It is slanderous.
On that note, at least one person was heard to say "Well, if Wednesday supports it, maybe it's something we should look into." *chokes on own rage*

3. The posts themselves do not exhibit proper grammar. While I'm certainly not immune to typing accidents, I'm pretty sure I can remember to begin sentences with capital letters. As a writer, shitty, ungrammatical posts that read like they were written on a phone make me look like an asshole.
(Ha! edited to fix a typo)

4. While the posts themselves are from Yahoo! the ad redirects to...I can't make this up...FOX News.com. Yes, FOX news is slandering me. It should make me feel important, but I'm just too damn angry. And if this shit really worked, you'd think a self-hating fatty like Mike Huckabee would have a few vials of it next to his Chick-Fil-A lunch.

5. FOX News. Yes, I'm saying that one twice. I already hated them, but this time it's personal. Fucking with my integrity as a writer and and activist is beyond the pale. I've got half a mind to Occupy something.

For now though, I'd like for Yahoo!, FOX News, HCG (the company that brings you "Ultra Drops"), and Dr. Simeon (Any guesses as to whether or not he's a medical doctor? I don't know--I'm simply asking questions!) to have their advertising efforts backfire on some kind of massive and hilarious scale. I would LOVE to make this intentional slanderous spamming much more trouble than it's worth for them. Since hundreds of heads MUST be better than one, I'd love your input.

If any of you have ideas on the best way to throw this back in their stupid monkey faces, so they have no choice but to sit there grooving on it, please do let me know. No idea is too silly, too widespread, or too riddled with profanity to be considered--though we shouldn't tell any actual lies.
I am super fucking angry about this.

So, my creative friends...little help?

Idea

May. 25th, 2012 12:03 pm
wednes: (Elephant on Trampoline)
Most of you know that I'm large with the Fat Acceptance. (Ha! Pun)
To me, this essentially means that the size of my body does not permit anyone to treat me like less of a human. By fat-haters own admission, I'm a lot more person than many of them.

Ragen Chastain, who is something of a hero of mine, is a dancer. A large, lovely dancer, and activist, and writer, and speaker. She suggests that fat people make it a point to be seen out in the world doing athletic things, dancing joyfully, wearing revealing clothing, or just generally doing things you'd like to do without carrying body shame around with you. I'm into that.

HAES thinking has allowed me to work on strength training. It is almost June, and I am stronger, more flexible, and have better balance than I did on January 1st of this year. I don't talk about diet or exercise very much, because it's boring, private, and to my mind--akin to posting about what an impressive shit I had. But I have been working on myself from a desire to feel awesome rather than a desire to change myself so assholes will be less assholish to me. I'm seeing results that I am happy with. The switch from delicious cheeseburgers to delicious sushi hasn't hurt either.

With that in mind.
Wait for it....

I want new tap shoes. I used to tap as a teenager. I did not entirely suck at it, but didn't dance as well as I could have out of self-consciousness and a general feeling that I looked awful. My mom was my main--what's the opposite of a cheerleader? I don't even know, tormentor will work I guess. But it's not like my mom was the only person who was shitty to me about my weight--I have a good brother and a mean brother, don't forget. And I went to school. Remember school? Yeah...bully smorgasboard.

I want to tap again. And I want to post vids of myself doing it. I want to open myself up to the ridicule of the internets (I did this once before when I allowed a vid of me reading at an FA event to be posted in a bunch of places. I braced for impact, but it never came), if only to confirm that it's them not me.

Can't really afford new tap shoes. I'm actually considering doing one of those online donation dealies to get $200 together to invest in a really good pair of tap shoes, and a set of regular taps, and double taps. As a zombie fan, double taps are essential. LOL and Ha! I have to get awesome shoes, because if I hurt myself--well, I don't want to hurt myself. I sit around watching TV and complaining when I am feeling poorly.


In other news, I'm having a surprise visit with my young protege today. We're working on a Spider-flavored short story that will be submitted to an anthology next week. I'd love for him to share a professional writing credit with me.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
In case you don't know, I'm what fictional serial killer Jame Gumb refers to as "A great big fat person."

And yet, when I discuss fat, fat-health, HAES, or make the slightest suggestion that weight may involve more than calories in/calories out someone will invariably say some variation of "Of course YOU'RE saying that, you're fat!"
The idea being that I can't possibly discuss issues pertaining to fat people because I'm so goddamn fat. Truthfully, I can discuss anything I want. As a fat person, my jaw muscles are mighty and strong.

The more I think about it, the odder it is that my being fat leads people to think I know LESS about fatness, or the study of weight, health, or anything about fatness and exercise. Someone once argued with me, rather vehemently, that it's impossible to be fat if you exercise every day. By their logic, I'm either a fictional character or a damnable liar.

I can't wait for this stupidity to seep into other demographics. I want to hear, "What the hell do YOU know about giving birth? You've got 17 children?!?" or "Of course YOU think I should go to the hospital for this heart attack--you're a doctor!"

Maybe I'm just feeling high and ranty.

Had a conference with my 9-year-old protege about the anthology submission we're working on. He has some tremendous ideas, a real love of gore and sensational deaths, and a strong sense of character and story. This thing is gonna be awesome. I dig the hell out of this kid.

Oh, and the Alfac meeting I had to sit through at my day job was made worthwhile when they gave me a stupid talking duck plushie.
wednes: (Milk & Cheese)
Day-job. And and on it goes.
Heard back on some freelance gigs, including one that said "We'll want to fly you out for an interview," leading me to have all sorts of fat-person on a plane panic. I can't WAIT for some total stranger to let me know that my body is unacceptable to them. Besides, how to you explain to a prospective employer that they might have to buy you two seats?

Learned from The Rude Pundit that Andrew Breitbart died today--presumably of his own inner rage and bile. Who, oh who, will carry around pics of Anthony Weiner's junk (and then break out those pics to show talk show hosts as if it's normal to carry around famous junk-shots on your goddamn cell phone WHILE self-righteously holding yourself up as some kind of fucking example) now???

Stonegarden Publishing had a surprise (to me, anyway) one-day giveaway on a bunch of our books, including The Cat's Apprentice. I am delighted to tell you that it got as high as NUMBER THREE in HORROR!!! That is awesome. There were a whole big bunch of downloads, especially considering that I did zero publicity because I didn't know about it.

Major thanks to everyone who assured me that I made a great decision on the publishing front. My plan is to make the TFE edits I've been prattling on about, and then submit to Tor. After they turn me down, Permuted Press will be next. Actually, I might do those in reverse order. I just don't know yet. Point is, I'm totally going to go for a professional-size advance. I'm sick of not being an active member of Horror Writers Association. Because I'm a horror writer, and I want to associate, dammit! I want to vote in the Stoker Awards, and refer to Jack Ketchum as "my colleague," and be asked to write a forward for something.
wednes: (Vyv ;-()
I'm in my 40's. I can remember a time when that seemed ridiculously old. I can remember learning that my grandfather was *gasp* 54 and it seemed like the oldest thing in all of time.

Not having kids means I get to continue to live like a teenager in many ways, despite my advanceD decrepitude. And face it, decades of sloth and gluttony have indeed rendered me a bit less jaunty than other peeps my age. I'm working on strength training so I can eventually get into the house of horrors that is Cardio. But yeah, for a 40-something, I feel pretty tired, sore, and old.

That said...I learned today that another friend of mine is dying due to one of those things that people blame on fatness, AND/or "not taking care of yourself." I've not seen this dude in years, so I have no idea what his habits are. But he's a Big Guy, which means there's always some douchebag who will blame bad health on being heavy with absolutely no other facts.

It scares the hell out of me knowing that people my age are dying from this kind of shit. My right foot has been numb, which gives me constant nightmares about doctors coming in to cut it off in the night. My knees are bad, and it's difficult for me to get up off the floor by myself. I'm not ready for LifeAlert or anything, but the very idea that I could fall and take 20 seconds or more to stand back up again? Yikes. Fucking...yikes. I mean, what if I couldn't stand up at all? I can't even imagine.
wednes: (Wednes Logo)
New Yoga DVD is kicking my ass. Seriously, kicking it.
I can't even get through the first 25 minute segment. I are weak.
But soon...I shall be strong. *kicks guy into pit* THIS IS WEDNES!!!!

Had a delightful exchange on the Facebook with Marilyn Wann. I told her I had a shirt with her book cover on it, and she said I must be super badass. Duh. I told her I needed a shirt apprising people that Ms Wann thinks I'm badass. Ha!

Am working on my first article written entirely with Dragon Dictate. It's a cool program, until I take a short break and start singing along with the iTunes. There's a lot to like about Alcatraz. Sam Neill has long been a boon to horror and why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die. Yeah, it's silly. Still, DD knows a lot of great nerdy words. It understood that Daleks and Wookies do not go to Hogwarts. Ha again!

No new book reviews in some time. If you owe me a review, you better gets to writing it! Another great interview up at Zombie Zone News. I loved this guy's book and thought he was a great interview!

Alcatraz is pretty good so far. We're giving it a whirl. I'm not going to write a whole big thing here since I'm working on a thing for AC. Also looking into writing for Horror Web, as they are needing new writers and the contact guy seems nice.

The podcast is becoming a stressful pain in my ass. I will be very happy when I no longer have to fuck around with these. By which I mean that I hope I don't have to produce The Finster Effect myself. The cast is too friggin' huge anyway.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but both Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have been two of the most hated men in contemporary politics for years. Santorum has been a hateful bigot for at least a decade, and Gingrich has been saying shitty things about minorities and the poor since I was a teenager. So why is anyone taking these pricks seriously? How is that even possible?!? Thanks to Dan Savage (and yay for him, I say) we simply cannot have a president Santorum. We just can't. Gingrich has always been a complete bastard. Mark Maron used to talk about him back when he was crazy smokin' hot. Maron's still attractive in a goofy way, but I guess every man can't age as well as John Schneider. Seriously. John Schneider is hotter now than he was when I was a kid.
Or am I just saying that to get you to watch the Super Shark musical trailer???

Because that's just the kind of thing I'd do...and he's all the way at the end.
Still, it's a marvelous trailer. Just delightful.
wednes: (Elephant on Trampoline)
Been getting a lot of friend requests lately that feature a peeve of mine. I won't post pics as examples because I don't want to embarrass anyone, and because I think you'll all get me on this. But it's the artful, clever ways that fat women (men may do this too, but I don't see it nearly as much on the internets) attempt to hide their double chin. After all, double chin means *gasp* FAT!

There are lots of reasons people do this, many if not most of these have to do with embarrassment at being perceived as fat--with all that entails. They don't want people to see how fat they are, or how fat they've gotten (a girl who teased me mercilessly in school for being fat actually told me this), or my favorite--how fat they LOOK. Apparently they aren't fat, it just looks like they are. I'm as guilty of this as anyone, though I'm trying really hard to stop.
Obviously, the internet being what it is, a person can make and maintain long friendships, or even romantic relationships without other people having any idea what they look or sound like.

When you learn that a person you totally like and respect is say, fat, very skinny, acne-covered, or of a race or gender you weren't aware of--how does that affect your opinion of a person (assuming they haven't outright lied about anything)? Does it? Should it?

I know what people are afraid of. It's the same reason people go on crazy diets and have elective surgeries--because they live in a world where they're told absolutely ANYTHING is better than being fat. I won't bother linking to that famous poll of 5th grade girls who said they'd rather be in a wheelchair than fat. Getting things off your chest is good. Being honest is good. Fighting bigotry, bullying, and shaming is good. Coming Out is good.

So, here's what I propose:

I hear a lot about people who "drop the bombshell" about this or that at Thanksgiving. The whole family is together, so it's the perfect time to let it be known that a family member is gay, pregnant, joining the military, voting Republican, or whatever else they've been neglecting to come clean about.

I propose that we all Come Out as ourselves this holiday season. I move that we post unretouched, unshopped, candid photos of ourselves without any artful cropping of this or that "unflattering" body part. Some of us are fat. We're still smart, articulate, creative, and all the other wonderful things that make us, us. I think people should know that, or be reminded of that, or at the very least, know that not everyone agrees that fat people are ugly, lazy, should be hidden, etc etc etc.

Guess what? People you know in your life see you just as you are. Don't you think it's time everyone did?
Even if you're one of those shy types who doesn't actually believe they are beautiful--if you EVER leave the house, you could (and should, IMO) at least embrace the idea that you are NOT too hideous to be seen by sunlight (or a camera flash).

This is not really as articulate as I intended to make it, but if you read my "Fat" tag often, you'll know that I have a ton to say on this topic. Maybe you know a woman or young girl who needs to hear about this and participate. So you know, spread the word.
wednes: (Wednes Logo)
Spent the last week or so relaxing, taking a break from the book, and trying to hook myself up with some freelance work. Now that the reviews from my beta readers are due back to me (thanks to you's who read it and gave great feedback)I will have to dive back in. The Finster Effect is due to the publisher/editor by the end of November. Release will be in April, 2012 unless the second coming has happened. Actually, I predict that most of MY fans will be Left Behind, so the release may just proceed as planned.

The more I look into it, the more Content Writing appears to be for suckers. Okay, maybe not suckers, per se, but not for me. The emphasis seems to be on producing quick, error free, generic words that will get lots of hit, or encourage people to do something, like order food. While I'd like very much for writing to earn me money, I don't want to insult Writing by being a fucking whore about it. Much as I don't tweet because of my love and respect for The Paragraph; content writing seems like straight up prostitution. I'm not judging, people can be prostitutes if they want to. I just don't think it's the right gig for me.

That said, I heard back about a gig writing trivia questions. I imagine I will be very well suited to it. I am often disappointed by amateurish trivia questions I encounter around the interwebs. If I was gonna make a list of writing gigs I'd enjoy, trivia questions would be on it.

The chick who borrowed my desk while I was off moved a bunch of stuff around, and made off with BOTH of my marked up catalogs. Unacceptable. Desk theivery gets on my last nerve.

The more I think about this Apnea thing, the more pissed I am that nobody noticed it sooner. I've had symptoms of extreme tiredness, nightmares, hallucinations, high BP for YEARS. Literally, years. Not to mention, Apnea is something a lot of fat people get. You'd think with all the ZOMGdeathFAT rhetoric I get from medical "professionals" that one of them would have thought of this. I imagine some of this is due to my only recently having decent insurance. I hardly would expect Washtenaw County to pay for a sleep study--but they could have at least mentioned it. I'd have paid for it myself if I'd known that sleep deprivation has been making me even more insane that I would have been otherwise. Not sure how I'll be able to sleep in some sterile hospital room with some Freddy Kruger shit glued to my head.

Going to see a dentist on Sept 7th. Apparently, it's terribly bad that I've had abcess molars and not seen a dentist. They say that can affect your brain. Heaven forfend! They're using some kind of panoramic camera so they can take Xrays without making me gag until I puke. It's my hope that they don't panic and scream when they see my Xrays, and then rush me in for emergency extraction or something. We shall see...

Movies I watched recently for the first time:
--Straw Dogs (the original)
--The Blind Side
--Bound

Movies I still want to see:
--Rise of the Planet of the Apes
--Fright Night remake
--Don't be Afraid of the Dark remake
--Insidious
wednes: (Wednes Poison)
and I just realized, I don't give a crap about anyone's name.
It's not like I have the ability to remember names anyway--which sucks because everyone remembers MY name. But I digress...

Have written over 11,000 new words since Tuesday night. Still behind, but it's coming along so very well. I've achieved this largely by neglecting other work. No Parablog this month, no ZZN article this week, and no podcast as of yet. But all my pending podcast peeps were late getting stuff to me--so I'm not taking the full hit on that one. ;-]

The Finster Effect is amazingly fantastic, or so I think. We'll have to see what happens when I go back through this draft. I have a lot left to do in the month I have left (just to turn it in, I will get it back after that). The cruel joke there is that May is sweeps. So I'll be emptying out the DVR so it's ready to record all the important TV happening. I mean to watch The Killing and Game of Thrones but have not had time.

Let my guard down around someone who then proceeded to sucker punch me in the gut.
Guard back in place, and thanks for the reminder, jackass!

H and I stopped ordering delivery food a month ago to make up for the money we spent on the bed. We're doing that until the end of May. Funnily enough, I've lost 7 pounds since April 1. I don't usually talk about such things here, because I think it's weird to compliment or congratulate people for body-stuff. It's like telling someone how great they are for shaving or taking a dump. Just do your thing and leave me out of it.
But yeah...seven pounds. And it's not like we've been replacing delivery food with healthy food. Between us, we eat a pound of bacon about every 2 weeks, and blue box Kraft dinner is my go-to meal when I'm tired or busy. Then again, the Door-to-Door Organics thing is also awesome and makes it so I can eat tons of fruit and veggies.

Okay, this is weird, but I'm thinking of buying a gun. I am not taking questions about why that might be. Nor will I be discussing safety issues--there are no children here, and neither of us is suicidal, or an idiot. And I'm not concerned that perhaps my penis is too small. It's a badass gun, and I likes it.

And finally, if any of my regular LJ readers need a DW invite code, please see me.
wednes: (Queen of <3's)
This past weekend, I did my first ever appearance at a body-positive event. Preemptive disclaimer about the kind(s) of fuckery that will not be tolerated in the comments. ) These kinds of things are also referred to as "Fat Acceptance," "BBW/BHM events," "Health-at-Every-Size" initiatives, or may be associated with NAAFA or similar group. This particular one involved a new group called Love Your Body Detroit. The event was a fundraiser called BODYSLAM. There were vendors, poetry and prose, foodstuffs, and an art display--The Vagina Show to be exact. I like vagina's as much as the next person, but stuff like this is just silly to me:

I am so much more than my vag (excuse me, my yoni), my period, etc.

Anywhoo, it was held at the Trumbullplex. The chicks were awesome, the crowd was fun, there was a chick selling underwear with a diagram of uteri printed on the front, and some that said "yes means yes." There was also an artist named Alex Heberling who did a great drawing of me. Once H scans it, I'll be using it as a profile pic here and there. Eventually, I'll teach the world that not all women in horror are barely 18, half-naked, and repeatedly falling on their asses after tripping over nothing.

A few pics from the evening )

Oddly, there aren't any pics of me at the show. There is, however, some video. I've never actually posted a video of myself online before. Because you see...I'm pretty fat. Not someone who could be confused with chubby, no. I'm She'd be so pretty if... fat. AKA, Doesn't she know she could drop dead of a heart attack any second?!? fat. I exercise every day. Really. And while I do love cheeseburgers, I generally eat pretty well. I feel a great need to explain (read excuse) my weight, and insist that when judging me, people factor in my thyroid, depression, medication, etc etc etc so they know I'm trying. So they know I'm not lazy, not a gluttonous pig, not any of the things they assume I am based on my size. I am so uncomfortable looking at the footage of myself at the event, that it's a damn good thing I showed up.



Yeah, I'm fat. I'm also a goddamn genius. I'd take that over being a skinny idiot any damn day of the week. I couldn't get this vid to upload at my site, so I'm actually posting it publicly on YouTube, thereby making it viewable to the entire interwebs. If people are mean enough to me, maybe I can redeem myself on Daniel Tosh's show. ;-]
wednes: (Wut?  JoJo)
At work today on my day-off to help out a coworker who is taking a cooking class with his gal. Isn't that just adorable? Cooking class? Yes, it is. I've been way far down on my day-job lately as most of you know. This week though, the company prez showed me some love and then asked me what is making me anti-day-job. I'm debating how honest and forthright I should be with him, and on what will be productive and just not sound like a bitch-fest.

Found out that I will be reading and selling books at Detroit's Love Your Body fundraiser. I talk a lot about fat issues and my own fat fairly often. But it is unheard of for me to go out and talk about fatness in public. At the core of it, I am sad when people say mean things to me about being fat. I am afraid of how I may react when I hear something shitty said about my size, my perceived habits, my so-called self-indulgence, and all the other bullshit people think they have a right to say out of "concern." I feel like I need to justify what I eat, how often I exercise, what meds I take, etc.
So yeah, I am going to this event, and speaking (reading actually, some fat-related passages from S4S) and also hoping to sign and sell some books, and meet a lot of awesome new people. I really think it's time to put my money where my big fat butt is, and be more active in a movement that I obviously feel strongly about. And yet, I'm pretty fucking terrified.

My new Nike's came in the mail today. I cheaped out and got trainers instead of running shoes. Guess I'll find out if there's a big difference.

I'm not going to link to the article about the 13-year-old boy facing LWOP for a shooting he did when he was 11. I am gonna talk about it a bit though. I am opposed to capital punishment for anyone. ANYONE. And dammit, telling a child that he's gonna die in prison is indeed, capital punishment. I've heard people go so far as to call this premeditated. The kid didn't buy the gun, he didn't teach himself how to shoot it. Is he disturbed and in need of mental/emotional help? Probably. Do we write him off as unsavable before he's even in high school? I gotta vote No.
The idea that a kid is suddenly an adult because society is really, really offended by what he did is abhorrent. It's nonsensical. It doesn't help anyone, deter anyone, or solve anything. The ONLY thing is does is allow some people to feel vindicated. If revenge is the goal of our legal system, *claps hands* I'm out. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
wednes: (MamaCass)
I take a lot of shit for calling myself a "fat activist." There are plenty of people out there who think that HAES and any sort of fat-positive talk amounts to fat people bitching because no one finds them attractive. Right. Yes. It's not about job or housing discrimination, being humiliated at the airport, or general fat-bashing, or getting blamed for a dysfunctional health-care system, or so-called helpful advice that assumes we must enjoy courting death or we wouldn't "look like THAT." It's clearly about wanting to be desired and adored by strangers. Bwha--?

The very suggestion that fat does not always equal unhealthy is met with scorn and derision--funny, seeing as how we all agree that one can be thin and unhealthy. My friend Cindy was skinny as a rail, but I could run circles around her.
Trying to explain that all fat people are NOT lazy, self-indulgent, gluttonous, or apathetic about their health is like talking to a brick wall. And of course, fat people are one of the last groups it's still okay to openly mock. Imagine my intense sadness when my beloved Jon Stewart actually wore a fat suit to demonstrate how "lazy" he'd gotten while Daily Show was on break.

Really, Jon? Really?

So yeah, I do feel it's my obligation to speak up when something ridiculous happens, even when it happens to someone I dislike or strongly disagree with. Ex: Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore should be mocked for being partisan hacks or lying jackasses, not because they are fat.

With that in mind, I was disgusted to learn that a doctor who admitted he was distracted and driving carelessly was merely fined for killing a woman with his car. And why? Because obviously, "a thinner woman probably would have survived." You see, it wasn't the giant hunk of metal hitting her at a high speed that killed her. It was her terrible, terrible fat. And of course, doctors are such wonderful people that they should be allowed, I guess, to kill one person for every few they save, or something...
Admittedly, this may be more about rich people getting away with shit than it actually being okay to murder useless fat people. I guess if she didn't want to get hit by a car and killed, she should have put down the fork.

So I ask you, at what weight do you no longer deserve to NOT be hit by a car and then blamed for causing your own death? Can I hit a smoker with my car and get off with a fine--after all, they were gonna die anyway, and a non-smoker might have miraculously survived. Matter of fact, ANY mortal is just gonna die anyway--so why is murder such a big freakin' deal in the first place? By insisting on staying alive--you're only postponing the inevitable.
wednes: (OMG!!!)
I just haven't been blogging like I used to. Most of my sociopolitical rants are taking place on FB, just because I'm there more often. Plus I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff I'm trying to do to let people know that I exist and I write books. My Kindle release has actually happened, and all 3 books are up live right now. Mr Publisherman says he's going to consolidate the reviews soon so they will show up on both listings. If I didn't know better and saw my Amazon listing(s), I'd think I was a pretty big deal. That's the thing about Amazon, you actually can't tell who's famous and who's a self-published hack.

Speaking of hackery, the NaNoWriMo starts soon. I'm actually considering going to the kickoff party on Sunday, just because I've never gone to one before. Sunday is also The Walking Dead which is gonna be super badass. It should put me in just the right space to finish drafting this kickass zombie story. Turns out, it's a story about some truly compelling people in bizarre circumstances--and then some zombies come.

Caprica and Big Love are both cancelled. I guess Big Love will have one more season, but they haven't even said if they're going to air the rest of Caprica. Considering the godawful shit they show, you'd think they'd hang onto a show this good. No, it's not non-stop lazer fighting like BSG; more of a Sci-Fi Drama if that's even a thing. Anyway, I liked it; and I'm bummed that it won't continue. I'd like to see HBO or Showtime pick it up.

Not doing a signing this weekend, even though I could be doing one at Three Corpse Circus. It's a short horror film fest happening at the Michigan Theatre tomorrow night. My assistant can't make it; and I'm feeling behind and stressed and kind of fluish. Figure it's best not to push it, as I'll be losing plenty of sleep during the NaNo. Too bad too, as my zombie teabagger hat was coming right along.

Ordered new pants online. they arrived, I went to put them on and almost completely freaked out. They didn't fit. AT ALL. How is that possible? I haven't gained weight--I'm losing. I couldn't even get these over my ass. I checked the bag and they were literally 4 sizes too small. They weren't even fat girl pants--they were average girl pants. WTF?!?
Speaking of the perils of fattitude, we're all pretending that we're shocked that a Marie Claire writer is a fat hating bitch. Yes, and televangelists also hate gay-wads and want your money. *gasp* Yes, she is appalling. But it's not exactly a shock. Glad there are so many Kiss-In's being held. H and I are sending a pic to the virtual one.
BTW, I didn't realize until recently that Glenn Beck is actually a televangelist. Not sure why it took me so long to make that comparison. I guess it was when I found out that he's also a carnival huckster. Tricking old people into buying worthless gold? Ew.

And finally, one of my favorite writers and bloggers, Poppy Z Brite wrote a thing about zombies in her blog today. Unhappily, it referenced "BRAAAAAIIINNS." If you don't know, I loathe that whole assertion, that zombies would actually articulate what it is that they crave. Dan O'Bannon should be punched in the mouth for that shit. I hate it. It makes zombies seem campy and funny when really they are the thing that will destroy us all. (Okay, there is a place for funny zombies, but that shouldn't be one's primary association with them) I hate when somebody succumbs to that absurd assertion. Et tu, Poppy? Then again, this might just be one of those times when I want to think people I admire agree with me--even though I know intellectually that's just crazy fangirl talk.
wednes: (Default)
I am not watching Shark Week this year. There, I said it. I have been watching Shark Week for over 20 years. Seven of those years, I recorded it on VHS. Shark Week is Discovery channel's highest rated week. It was an awesome opportunity to educate people, especially kids, about the importance of sharks in the food chain, and the oceans ecosystem. Slowly, they started focusing more on "feeding" (read: attacks on prey animals). But now, it's all about attacks...on people. oooooh, Scary, Scary Sharks!! *cue Jaws theme* And that, my friends, is bullcrap. So I'm not watching.

Lunch with my Aunt Barb tomorrow. She's pretty awesome. And it's nice to be reminded that there are some NOT mentally ill people in my family. A lot of bad illnesses seem to run in my mom's side of the fam: bi-polar disorder, hearing loss, apnea, bad backs, high blood pressure, and diabetes. It's a wonder the family line has continued at all. ;-]

I have a new interview coming out later today. Details to follow presently.

Been watching Huge on abc family. I'm pretty surprised that I like it so much. They've cast a good bunch of kids and have written them as both realistic (as far as I can tell, I mean, I'm like 40) and compelling. I like they way they are dealing with everyone as a whole person, and not just a walking weight problem. Although, it appears that The Hoff's daughter is snogging with one of the counselors. Not cool. But I gotta ask, where was the FA movement when I was a kid, or a teenager, or even a young adult? I could have been not hating myself and my body for all that time. No fair. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't get way more into the whole HAES and FA politics. It would certainly complement my feminist roots.

And finally, I went out for a drink with a co-worker on Saturday after work. They carded me for an Amaretto Sour. Ha!
wednes: (Default)
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Me, young: That chick from the new Hairspray, and Huge.
Me, old: Kathy Najimy

H: Laurence Fishburn, duh

Pentelope: a Liger

Joey JoJo Junior Shabadoo: a swath of destruction

Ryan: Harrison Ford

Mark (my brother): Adrien Brody

Mom: Piper Laurie

Fascinating, no?


Just scored an exercise bike for $100. It's being dropped off on Sunday. Didn't even occur to me to ask if it had a weight limit. As some of you know, lots of exercise equipment is not designed for fat people. Not just Wii fit, but other things too. That is smart, because everybody knows that NO fat people exercise--EVER. And if they didn't want to spend $2,000 on exercise equipment that will accommodate their fatness, they shouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. That said, I hope this works out for me, and is not too hurty to my back and legs. EDIT: This did NOT work out for me. Weight limit: 250 llbs. I'd been wanting to get one for awhile but have had far too many expenses lately. In general, marketing a book is expensive. Podcasting is turning out to be expensive too, which leads me to my next announcement:

Our podcast schedule for new episodes is changing. It will now be every other week, instead of every week. Even though our eps are pretty short, it takes a long time to edit and mix them properly. Couple that with my actors also having lives and jobs and families and such, this seems much more reasonable for me. Plus you know, I am also working on what will become the greatest zombie novel since Serpent and the Rainbow. Yeah.
wednes: (Default)
It's been like Christmas without the cookie baking at my house. My co-worker, whose thesis I edited, has loaded me up with all manner of gifts. In addition to the carnivorous plant terrarium and the book on how to help it not die, he got me chocolates from Chocolate Garden (tasty, but I think I still prefer Godiva), the Monty Python 3-movie box set, and the Max Brooks graphic novel. He told me there'd be one more thing, which I couldn't imagine it topping what he'd already given me. But wait...he scored me a HARDBACK copy of The Bachman Books which has been out of print for some time. It includes Road Work, The Running Man, and Rage--which is my all-time favorite Stephen King short stories.
I didn't realize until very recently that my first novel is heavily influenced by it. I read a ton of SK's short stories (3 or 4 different anthologies as I recall)when I was a kid. Voraciously, over and over. There were some gems, Strawberry Spring, Graveyard Shift, Word Processor of the Gods, some story about a really fat chick who was in a mafia family. I loved them, but none so much as Rage. These were formative stories for me. Not only was I still figuring out how the world works, but also about the craft of writing, why people do it, and how they get good at it. I studied those stories to figure out

H and I are going to see Inception tonight. We haven't been to a movie since Alice in Wonderland. And we both love Chris Nolan. I recently added Following to my wishlist as I realized that my VHS of it no longer works. It's quite a mindfucker. Anyway, I predict good things.

Working on a scary short story that comes out in October, and still plugging away on the new zombie novel, though that is slow going. *snerk* Doc appointment tomorrow wherein I tell her I can't keep taking that anti-mania pill. It makes me tired and loopy. Plus I'm gaining weight despite eating much better--unacceptable. I've gained almost 12 pounds in the last 3 months. That is total bullshit, and I'm not having it. Getting into a very fed up space with the meds, and the idea that I'm supposed to tolerate awful side effects because my insurance refuses to cover the good stuff--the kind that actually helped me. Of course, the stuff that helped my mania made my blood sugar go up, and they wanted to give me more meds to help that. What a fucking racket.

Still watching Huge on ABC family. It's entertaining, and I like some of the characters very much. And of course, the blue haired chick from the new Hairspray is adorable. My own blue and pink hair streaks should be happening soon. My friend that is helping me should have a car soon (she won't take a yellow cab to my place for some reason). I just hope the Amplified Hair Lightning does not cause my hair to dry up and break off. That would suck.
wednes: (Default)
I've been meaning to post about this since just after my book release party, and have not had the time to sit down and compose something thoughtful. Some of you may view this as a "duh" concept, but recent events have made me think a lot about it within the context of the women I encounter. And yes, even though this is an issue that affects both genders, the manifestations I want to address are specific to women in my experience.

Even when women intellectually know that it's bad to hate their bodies, they still manage to feel shame and embarrassment over parts of themselves--and to think doing so is only being honest.
I'm gonna talk about this at length. ) If my husband--or anyone really, ever spoke to me the way my inner voice speaks to myself, I'd cordially invite them to go fuck themselves.

That said *whew*, here's the latest horrible thing fat people are expected to undergo, lest they be accused to "not caring about their health." It's a patch they sew onto your tongue that makes it too painful to eat solid food. You know, so you can remember to only eat liquids until you're not such a big, ugly fatass. Then of course, you can get the patch removed once you're cured, and can feel free to go on about your business.
wednes: (Default)
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Many of you will recall that I met H on the Internets in June of 1999. I had been using various dating site, and before that, I even met a few people through the MetroTimes in like 1993-1995. This was difficult for me. Typically I'd have a few great conversations with someone, then agree to meet them. They'd see that I was fat, and I'd never hear back. Several people were outright rude about it. One guy named Terry, I actually dated a few times. Things were going reasonably well until I had a crazy manic upswing that ended up lasting almost 6 months. By the time it was over, he had met another woman and gotten married. Too bad too, he was my first nerd boyfriend and a nice guy. Sadly, I was the mythological psycho-ex. Then I got over it.

After the drunken dairy farmer and I broke up in 1997, I swore off dating for about 9 months or so. Then, I got back on the Internets. I wanted to figure out a way to let men know I was fat in a time when only wealthy people had digital cameras. I was still using a freakin' Polaroid in 1998. Still, I had a few ads in a few different places, and met a few interesting people but nothing stuck. Then, to my great joy, I found a site called Generous.net. It was for fat people, and people who admired fat people. That's when I learned about BBW's and that there were lots of people who didn't think it was a crime against god and nature to be overweight. Divorced men in particular were more focused on personality, presumably having married for looks and ending up with an evil bitch.

H and I traded Emails for several weeks. He was neat, funny and smart. I can recall hearing from him and then checking to see if he was from the fat girl site or some other site. I was delighted to learn that he was from the fat girl site. Yay! Then we met and 8 short years later, we got married.

Overall, I don't think the Internet has a profound effect on how superficial people are. Some people still demand a photo upfront, and choose people to contact by a photo first and formost. Others really want to meet people they're compatible with almost regardless of looks. Everybody seems to say in re: dating that they "aren't asking so much," not realizing that compatibility is really tricky and that their laundry list of required traits may not match any one person anywhere on the planet. Superficial people will remain so until they learn the hard life-lesson that looks are trivial and mostly based on luck. Then again, not everyone is looking for a mutually gratifying partnership based on love. Some people just want a trophy to dangle on their arm, and they're perfectly happy to trade up to a new one every couple of years.


In other news, I'm having a very difficult time getting motivated to do all the stuff I need to. Should have sent out press packets this morning, but didn't. Sent out a couple of businessy Emails yesterday but haven't heard back from anyone yet. Feeling that kind of stress where I feel paralyzed to pull myself out of it and just get some shit done. Got an Email yesterday from a guy I promised to write a review for just as soon as I was done with the Vampire Ball. Oops. So now I have to do that by the end of the week. At least that book will not be terrible, like some of the tripe I've agreed to review.
Oh, and I need to get some professional reviews of my own book lined up. I'm really behind of everything and that still isn't enough pressure to get me to focus. Frown.

In better news, I got some more Peanut butter and jelly ice cream at the store yesterday. Mmmmmm.
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I'm networking, playing Facebook games, and cleaning all the Xmas accoutrements out of the apartment. H was supposed to help me take the train apart, but he went to bed; so it's all me. I look forward to bringing the train around next year for Thanksgiving and leaving it up will Epiphany. That sounds just about perfect. Today though, I don't feel like taking it apart.

Need to put my press packet together for the new book today. At the very least, I need to have a kickass press release that I can start sending around now that I have some decent leads. This book really needs to do...something lest I have to once again reevaluate just what the hell I'm doing here. Like with Sadie, I'm highly confident that this novel is genuinely good and deserves some actual notice. But then, that's what every idiot over at LuLu.com says too. Frown.

Within 200mb of filling up my 80g iPod. Where does the space go? Well, I do have about 40 movies and a zillion TV eps on that thing. Plus a ton of music and audiobooks, and all my writing and most of my pics are also backed up there. So I guess I can see it, it's just surprising.

So, I'm losing a bunch of weight. I weighed myself a couple weeks ago and found that I had dropped 19 pounds somehow. Okay, fine. But I haven't been trying. At all. In fact, I've been eating a bit more fast food than usual because I'd been feeling kinda sick and depressed and lazy. After seeing that I'd lost weight, I made it a point to not do anything unusual in terms of diet or exercise. Weighed myself this morning to discover I've lost a further 3 and a half pounds. Again, okay. In the abstract I suspect that losing weight may improve my health and feelings of overall well being. It will become easier to shop for clothes and wear seat belts and stuff (which it has been, actually). In fact, I wore a skirt on NYE that did not fit me at this time last year. Honest. If I didn't have one of those scales that stores your previous weighings in it, I wouldn't have believed I was losing so much.
Because I have been fucking off so much on my "diet" (read: the ongoing assumption that because I am fat, that I should forgo carbs, fast food, and sweets, fried stuff, and dairy at all times) I'm wondering if I might actually be sick or something. I certainly don't want the doc to congratulate me on all the weight I've lost and not look at the possibility that it might be for some terrible reason. Aside from that bad cold I had, I haven't been feeling bad really. My water balance has been off some, but nothing to get worried about so far as I know. Anyway, I need to call the doc and make an appointment, I just don't want to and can't really afford it.

My good pal, [livejournal.com profile] uterdic is coming by tonight to watch Lifeboat which is one of Hitchcock's most excellent films. After Rope, and Psycho, this may well be my fave.
I bought that Flaming Lips cover of Dark Side of the Moon from iTunes today, using up the gift cert I got for my birthday. I had not actually bought an album since I got Movits! over the summer--August I think. Anyway, I look forward to checking it out.
I also gave up on Google Chrome for the moment as they won't let me organize my bookmarks. That is totally stupid. What's a web browser that won't let you marks the places you go on the web? Dum dum dum dum DUM!

And finally, I just thought this pic was hilarious:
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Had a MANDATORY work meeting at 8:30am so that a bunch of stiffs (literally--NO speaking skills whatsoever) could try to sell us insurance. Open enrollment, you know. You'd think if they were pitching a bunch of crappy insurance to people who actually work in sales, that they'd have a better selling technique. But no...they basically read a couple of powerpoint presentations to us. *snore*

Health insurance makes me angry anyway. I am resentful of the idea that essential services should be a priviledge of the wealthy--health care being one of the most essential of all. Our main health program has a bunch of questionaires, and if you admit to having more than an average of 2 drinks a day, or smoking, or if you have a BMI over 30--you have to go to extra doc appointments (racking up extra deductables) so they can "counsel" you about your naughty naughty habits. They specifically mention binge eating, diabetes, and stress management.

"But Wednes" you may say, "Screening out unhealthy people is how they keep costs down." To which I reply: No, that's how they make money off insurance, which I maintain should not be allowed to happen. Everyone should get the care they need, be it preventative, maintenance-based, or for an illness they've had all their life. The best way to "keep costs down" is to stop treating health care like something poor people don't deserve. I'll forgo the rant about how poor people have a tougher time staying healthy because they can't afford healthy foods, proper medical checkups, prenatal care, or mental health services despite a strong and obvious need for them. You're welcome.

My own harrowing and infuriating tale of diabetes management ) I would have discussed it with my psyche doctor but my insurance plan does not cover psyche until you pay a huge deductible that I can't pay and still get my meds.

As if all that wasn't annoying enough, they have some chick talk about health insurance I'm not even eligible for. When she was done, they had the supplemental, duck-based company tell us how important it is that we start paying for our elder care insurance now because it'll be so cheap. Basically the message is that we really need insurance, but it won't cover everything so we also need second insurance so we can be covered for real. And of course all these insurers can drop you if you do any of the naughty, naughty things that they don't want you to do. Because that's what you're paying all that money for--so that strangers can judge you and charge you more for not abiding by their arbitrary rules. BTW, the World Health Organization roundly disputes the assertion that low BMI equates to overall good health. AND you're more likley to survive a heart attack if your BMI is higher.

The only things I cared abut at all on this topic are Life Insurance, which I cannot get; and Mental Health Care, which was not even mentioned. But since they monitor pre-existing conditions (you know, like violence, assault, etc) pretty closely, I'd imagine I'm not elligible for any of that since I already have a diagnosis. I'd actually have to hurt someone in order to get some care. What a fine system we have--I can't imagine why anyone poor would want to change it!!


In other news, there's a rumor circulating that my work wants people to take personality tests. Something other than the Myer-Briggs as far as I know. My boss hasn't heard about it yet, but they are starting with other departments. So I'm already working on reasons why I need to excuse myself from such a thing. I'm mentally ill dammit, and that's nobody's business but mine, H's, and anyone I choose to tell--such as readers of this unlocked post. ;-]
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Okay, it's kind of an alignment FAIL. But there's not much I can do about it now.
The K and the S slipped during ironing. And one of the C's is peeling off already.
I suck at ironing things on.



The good news is, it's for my work's Halloween, which is tomorrow. There's also gonna be a chili cook-off for some reason, and a whole bunch of bad-for-me food.
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Since I'm spending stupid bones on the Vampire Ball, I didn't renew my extra LJ pics and they expired. No big whoop, right? I am told they pick out the icons you use the most and get rid of the rest.
I'm not sure what kind of mechanisms they use to keep track of such things, but if that was what they were trying to do, they failed most miserably. I can tell you the last time I used, for example, my Gaeta icon from BSG. It was when Gaeta was pulling all his shenanegans--the ones that eventually got him killed. I have certainly used many other icons more recently than that.
That said, I should probably pony up the dough to get my userpics put back. The pics themselves are not really a big deal. But it does seem like showing Lj some monetary love is appropriate just so they don't shut down. If I sell enough books at the Vampire Ball, I'll totally reup my userpics.

Had to express order some new tights for the Vampire Ball, which still don't fit very well. I don't get it. I'm buying them a full size larger than their chart says I need based on my height and weight. Are tights supposed to just barely go on and constantly be pinching and uncomfortable? That's not really what remember, but it's been roughly 15 years since I've regularly worn tights, or even nylons. Luckily, I also got some cheap, black leggings which I will be sporting under my velvety black vampire dress.

Whoever took it upon themselves to send me a big box of sparkle pens and silver Sharpies with a nice note (telling me to have a good signing) is wicked awesome. You have totally choked me up with your thoughtfulness, kindness, and excellent taste in pens. So fess up if you want; if not, it was a lovely gesture and I feel even more prepared than I would have otherwise.

Tomorrow is my radio interview with Flint Talk Radio. I hope it goes nice, and I hope I'm over this flu by then. I've been doing nothing but sleeping, lazing around, and taking psyllium (and tons of water) until I get better. I thought it was just stress making me sick, then I started barfing and being dizzy. Fine way to spend an anniversary. *sigh*

EDIT: Thank you [livejournal.com profile] spiralwitch for the userpics. I guess Rob Brenzy is right. The Universe IS conspiring to shower me with blessings. *sigh again*
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Today was supposed to be my first ever day of training someone at work. They tend not to have part-timers train because of scheduling hoo-ha. But the chick I'm supposed to train on customer service stuff (a bit more advanced than just order taking), called in sick. Frown and Fie! I do so love talking Customer Service philosophy.

In 1998, I bought a dress to wear to my 10-year High School reunion. Then I didn't go. I wore the dress to my 28th birthday party, and again a few years later for Halloween. A few years later, I was going to wear it again, but it no longer fit. Saddened, I put it in the back of the closet and forgot about it.
Yesterday, while complaining to H that I had nothing to wear to the Vampire Ball, I remembered that I had it. For no reason at all, I tried to on to verify that it didn't fit. Guess what? It fit!!! Since I haven't gotten on the scale in about 6 months, I have no idea why the dress now fits when before it didn't. It's a bit short, so I'm getting some cool feetless tights to go with. They are kind of expensive, but cool clothes in my size often are. I figure I haven't spent any money on Halloween since the Madstone closed (2004) so I feel okay about picking up a pair of tights and some decent fangs.

Slow going on the poetry front. You'd think with all this mania I've got going on that I'd be writing angry poems from here to next week! I'll get there though. But it may end up being like, 1/3 Haiku. I'm thinking that even if I only come up with 30-50 poems in that amount of time (100 days) that combined with some of my short stories, I may have the makings of another publishable work. We shall see.
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Some of you may know my dear friend, [livejournal.com profile] thehula. If you were at my wedding, you probably saw her reading the Christian verse we included. She is one of those people who makes sure I am seeing myself clearly, in case I happen to forget how wicked awesome I am. She is a college professor now, crazy smart!

She and I recently talked about the No Fat Chicks shirt I planned to wear to the Vampire Ball. After some careful thought, both sober and otherwise, I have reconsidered. I'm still going to put together a new "No Fat Chicks" shirt. (I got some great no-pocket T's and some sparkle letters in a 70's font.) It's still hilarious and it's still the sort of message people need to see and think about.

But for a Vampire Ball, methinks something having to do with Vampires would be more apropos. I often say that I'm much more a zombie fan than a vampire fan. It is true. But there are plenty of old school Vampire things that I love, one in particular. The question then becomes:

[Poll #1462566]

Of course, you can clicky those pics to embiggen them.

Since my work bonuses have been tiny, H and I talked about my skipping the Vampire Ball to save money. I never did hear back from the promotions chick, so no table for book selling. If I want to go, I have to buy tickets. It is a fundraiser, so I can't exactly feel bad about spending $40. Anyway, H decided that he would buy me two tickets for my birthday so that I and my friend from work can go. That H, he is pretty amazingly great. So, I'm giving the promotions chick until Monday to finally answer the Email(s) I've been sending since the first of September, then I'm going to go ahead and order the tickets. BTW, my birthday is not until the end of November. You'll see it coming, because there will be a grand party announcement beforehand.

I forgot to mention, H and I got that Friday the 13th reimagining On Demand. There was lots to like about it. But in the end, it was vapid and predictable with some rather intense stupidity. I understand that this is the nature of such films. But wouldn't it be cool if they made a slasher flick, but with interesting characters who could really act? Oh wait, they did that. It's called Vacancy. Then it was called The Strangers. So it is possible. They just don't bother to make it happen. Sad, really.
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You may recall that I went through a considerable amount of stress before my wedding. Even though I had resigned myself to being a fat bride, I had some sort of issue with being a visibly, enormously fat bride--which I guess had something to do with the fact that I'd be seeing people I hadn't seen in years. I was also paying someone (albiet a good friend) to take as many pictures of me as humanly possible. In short, I freaked out. I even lost an Lj friend over my freaking out about my appearance solely as it related to size. Even bearing all that in mind, I am just disgusted and saddened by this.

This woman was so ashamed and embarassed to be a "fat bride" that she literally killed herself trying to lose wieght. Worst still, she was under a doctor's care. A doctor who assured her that being fat is always bad and unhealthy and anything you need to do to be less fat is always worth it. Yes, of course. That's why all thin people are happy and healthy; and absolutely no fat people are. Yay! So instead of getting married (what? you mean someone loved her even though she was fat?!? madness!) she gets to be dead. And the doctor who told her to starve to death so she could be thin gets to keep right on telling people that there's nothing more important than "looking healthy" even if you're about to keel over.

Obviously, I can't sit here and say that I have no issues about my weight or size. Not only could I stand to do a LOT more exercise (not to lose wieght so much, but to feel better and have more energy), but I can be remarkably sensitive about wieght related comments. If you read the linked article, the dead girl's brother says something like I always told her she was fat, I had no idea it affected her so much. Right. being mocked by your own family never affects anyone negatively. That's why serial killers are all so tight with their parents and siblings. Oh wait...
As you know, I'll be going to a Vampire Ball next month to meet Voltaire. I adore Voltaire. He seems like a cool guy in RL. Still, I am confident that I will spontaneously combust into a pillar of tears if he made some sort of comment or evil look about getting his picture taken with a fat girl. Seriously, I'd run out of there crying like a 12-year old girl at her first school dance; even though I'm a happily married woman who is almost 40. Solution? The "No Fat Chicks" shirt. I announce my awareness of my fatness (ever have some stranger tell you you're fat, as if perhaps you'd been previously unaware? mortifying), implying that I'm very comfortable with it. It's also witty, and I do enjoy being witty. Let's just hope that the attractiveness of my wit outwieghs (pun?) the purported hideousness of my terrible, terrible fat.
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Oh Lane Bryant, your disdain for your customer base makes me want to die.

You all know Lane Bryant? The store for fat chicks that has always flat out refused to use fat models in their catalogs and ads. Why? Because they sell more clothes when customers can't actually see how the clothes will look on a fat person. Genius, yes? No.

Unhappily, I still buy things from Lane Bryant Woman Within. How can I not? They send me like, 3 catalogs a week. Besides, it really is the cheapest place on the world for fat chick pants, bras, T-shirts (although the King Size Men's catalog has cooler print T's) thermal clothes and casual dresses.

Why bring it up? What's my point?
Well, I came across one of these on the Facebook, then found one more.
I had no idea women were ever referred to as "Stout."
Except that Disney teapot chick. Teapots are stout, and short.





Plus, those chicks aren't actually fat.
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I heard something today that has me very confused.

Psychobitch MeMe Roth got completely pwnd by Stuart Varney at FOX news. I want to feel vindicated, or perhaps pleasantly surprised by this. But no.

If you don't know, MeMe Roth is an incredibly dysfunctional woman who calls herself an anti-obesity activist. One of her favorite gags is waiving around a large pair of pants and laughing at them. Comedy gold, right? But she's serious. She tells stories of being five and being totally ashamed of her "fat mother." She doesn't eat until she runs four miles a day, even if she doesn't go running until after 3pm. And of course, she famously compared eating to rape.

MeMe went on FOX news to express that not only should Northwest Stewardesses not be given red uniforms in sizes above 18, but that anyone anywhere near a size 18 shouldn't have that job in the first place. She really is a nutty, hateful woman. People who become full-out activists to spread their own bigotry make me ill. This Stuart Varney chap totally tore into her.

So what's the problem? He disagreed. He interrupted her. He shouted her down. He insulted and shamed her based on her viewpoints--viewpoints that he obviously opposed, but offered no reasoned, logical response to. He implied things about stewardesses jobs that were ignorant and false. He blamed MeMe directly for the unhealthy emphasis young girls place on being thin and attractive. That doesn't help. He didn't let MeMe finish the majority of her sentences. By the end they were yelling at each other. The fact that I agree with his viewpoint does not make his behavior during the interview any more acceptable. Yes, sometimes we have to be impolite to make our point. We're not all Albus Dumbledore, after all. But that is just not necessary and it hurts more than it helps. As usual FOX News employs screaming and emotional manipulation rather than presenting facts. A much better tactic IMHO would have been to let MeMe speak, which would then illustrate what a loon she is. A few well placed questions--you know, like a journalist might ask--would have put her vindictive hatespeak on display for all to mock.

Ultimately, arrogant jackasses in opposition to me are only slightly more annoying than arrogant jackasses who agree with me. That kind of unreasoned jackassery makes everyone who shares that viewpoint look bad.

Yes Madam, you ARE shameful. But not because Stuart Varney says so.
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I honestly cannot understand how anyone could be an "undecided voter" at this point. How could a person seriously not know whether they favor a pair of right-wing religious extremist who long to continue the current regime, or a liberal intellectual bringing substantial change? I could understand (kinda) someone disagreeing with my stance on things...but being undecided? I just don't get it. I know a few people who support McCain, and while I can't stand to discuss it for fear of punching them in the face, I respect that they have the right to vote for who they want. Any undecided voters out there? I'd be very curious to know what's holding you up.

It seems to me, more in this election than past ones, that the Reds pretend to support things like stopping gay marriage and an anti-choice agenda so they can trick fundies into supporting things they would never support otherwise, like huge kickbacks for oil companies and rebuilding foreign countries before tending to our own. I don't wanna angry up my blood this early, but I wanted to say that.

Off to work this morning, I have a ton of work to do. It'll be a short week though since I'm going on a writers weekend to Clare, MI with [livejournal.com profile] absinthofheart this Friday. Gonna work on my serial killer since I finished editing it over 2 days at work. Well, not finished really, but edited enough that I can get in there and continue writing. I've been in kind of a slump with this story, but I'll get it. It's too scary and good to not finish.

In computer news, this 2-finger scroll thing is awesome now that I'm getting used to it.

Lunch with my Aunt/Godmother on Wednesday. It's making a bit nervous, mostly because I've put on so much weight since she has seen me last. I don't think she will judge me over it, but she may worry. As a fat person, having loved ones "worry" about me is worse than having them judge me. I hate to think I'm making anyone worry about my health; it's too guilt-inducing.
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I'm so upset about this I can hardly see straight.
Meanwhile, the fatosphere is imploding on itself:

My favorite TV chef (not to secretly) says we should be ashamed of our fat selves.

Like with many people, it was AB who made me understand the importance of cooking for my loved ones and the science behind making it work. I can bake bread, make hommus, fudge, a proper vinagrette, the perfect omlette, you get the idea--all because of Good Eats. We bought an ice cream maker because AB taught us what to do with it. Anyone whose ever been to one of my parties, or recieved one of my holiday gift boxes or bags has reaped the benefits of my watching Alton Brown. Okay, so maybe I focus too much on sweet snacks and not enough on salads. We all know that I could stand to lose a bit of weight.
But you know what?

Screw AB and his "you should be ashamed" attitude.

I mean, if I wanted to get nasty I could point out that AB is leading me in heart attacks 1-0.
Gee, I guess being thin doesn't neccesarily equal being healthy, does it?


Meanwhile, it seems that Pearle Vision oversold me on my lenses to the tune of more than $100. Without even asking me, they sold me some kind of superlite poly something with some kind of coating for night driving. Right. Pull the other one, I say. So I'm taking them back on Saturday to get normal lenses put in. They also didn't tell me they were "Out of network" for my insurance so everything will cost more. All in all it was a huge scam and I'm never going there again. The glasses are cute though. We'll see how they are once I get them fixed.
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Which I suppose is nothing unusual. I messed up this lost-in-mail thing yesterday and by today someone will surely have noticed. I hate being so sucky at my job, and I wish more of the paperwork and stuff made sense to me or that I could remember more. It's one of those rare times that I feel like a person with head trauma and not just plain old Wednes. Ah well...at least I have a decent job for now.

Today we're sending the check for the commercial. It's going to run for a total of 6 weeks plus one product placement, which is where Mac is reading my book during a skit, probably talking about how much he likes it. They start running this coming Saturday, during the midnight to 1:30am time slot. So all you local types should try and watch. More importantly, you should buy the book if you haven't already.

I have the whole weekend off, and I think I have enough figured out about my serial killer that I can try to get some damn writing done. With all the reading and TV watching I've been doing I haven't been writing much at all. That is bad. I want to have this novel done in time to start something new for NaNoWriMo in November. That sounds like a long time, but in writing-time, it's really not.

My buddy Steve loaned me a book about Toxic Parents. Reading it is making me mad, which is to say it's putting my in touch with the anger that I take drugs so as not to have to deal with. I had a loud argument with myself last night while high, with my little brother. It was fairly evil, I was reminded of the time he told me I was "fatter than Roseanne" and it "made him sick". My brother. Said this in front of my mom and her husband who sat there nodding as if there was no other truth in the world. Since picking up this dratted book, I've been thinking about lots of things like that. It makes me wish I could afford some more EMDR. I guess it's good that I have a therapist still.

It's literally 90 fucking degrees outside. That is, I'm sorry to say, too damn hot. I'm afraid to go out there.

Oh yeah, [livejournal.com profile] psychswitch texted me last night. I miss that dude. I'm trying to figure out when I can have a party soon, probably after Honore comes to town. She is coming sometime next month, I think.
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My new psyche doc seems okay. I'll only be seeing her about once a month, so that is a good thing. It's going to cost me $60 a session, which is less good. She seems to think I won't be truly content in life unless/until I forgive my mom. I feel sorry for my mom, but that's about it. I guess I have a ways to go before I reach the forgiveness stage. Part of me doesn't feel like making an effort toward that goal, I just don't think she deserves it. Then again, it's really for me, not her.

Work is having an ice cream social today at 1pm. I don't think I'll go, even though my lunch is at 1:30. I haven't been doing so well keeping to my diabetes diet. Cutting carbs is hard and leaves me feeling hungry all the time. I'm drinking more water than ever, but don't like feeling hungry and sick all the damn time. And these pills are still awful, I imagine I'm as "used to" them as I'm going to get and they still make me feel crampy and sick. Then again, maybe if I would keep to my diet I wouldn't need these damn pills. That is probably their sinister plan all along.

Our commercial is almost done and should air for the first time on June 7th. I'll be posting it here once it is perfected. The opening scream needs to be more shrill and scary. I wish I had more and better reviews for the book, I don't guess people will be impressed by Amazon reviews. Anyway, it's costing me personally, $75 each time I want the commercial to run. So it better generate some sales.
Speaking of reviews, I'm trying to get Fangoria, MetroTimes and Midwest book review to review my book. I'm also waiting to hear from Withersin, who reviews pretty much everyone who asks.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, Ironman was pretty damn good.
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One week until my book comes out! YAY!!! Now I have to figure out how I'm going to afford buying all those bubble envelopes and sending all the books out. My publisher will pay me back, but I have to come up with the dough up front.

Of course, I've been doing stuff for The Cat's Apprentice lately so I have only been thinking about A Stabbing for Sadie in terms of publicity. Speaking of which, it looks like Vault of Midnight is not going to let me schedule a signing. Too bad too, because I had high hopes about them.

Went to my diabetes meeting yesterday. They want me to go to a class, which I'm not going to do. Instead, I'm going to read all the material they give me (plus one really comprehensive book that I haven't discovered yet--but there must be one, right?) and meet with the nurse on occasion. I'm supposed to talk to the doc and see about getting a glucose meter, just so I'll know what's up. I'm not wild about the idea of pricking my finger over and over, but that's a pretty small thing in the grande scheme. I'm told that the consequences of NOT taking care of diabetes is a lost limb or blindness or something else awful.

Cutting carbs is going to be horribly difficult for me. Carbs are yummy, cheap, and make you feel full. Mine and H's diet is based on them. So we are trying to work in more veggies and fruit. But I really love rice and pasta. Plus I just got a fantastic loaf of sourdough from Panera. Mmmmm...
So that's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to rethink practically every meal from now on. Fie! Plus I have to start eating breakfast. Yuck!

The Starving a Dog for Art story is going around again. I really hope it's not true. I tend to doubt it, but then again, people do shocking and horrible shit while others stand around watching all the time.

I'm also hoping the Abortion as Art lady is a hoax as well. Either way, I have to ask WTF is wrong with people. Even as a hoax, the whole thing is pretty damn tasteless.

Alright, I'm off to work until 9pm, then off for three whole days. I never get Monday's off.
This is gonna be sweet.
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First things first, My book is now available at the Borders website. Like the Barnes and Noble site, the title is wrong (it's missing the "A") and there is no picture. But it's there, so that is cool in it's way.

I also learned today that some of my short stories are appearing in a book called Down in the Dirt which is put out by Scars Publications. I sent them some short stories a year or so ago, which they put up at their website. To my knowlege, they aren't paying me for anything even though they are selling it for actual monies. They didn't even offer me a review copy. I guess it's not actually a book book, but a collection of magazine issues. I found out by Googling myself, which I've taken to doing now that I'm trying to be famous. Anyway, it must not be getting much exposure since this is the first I've heard of it. And the same short story is being published in October in a StoneGarden book.


Going to the dentist on Weds. I have not been to a dentist in years, I can only imagine what they're going to tell me. I can, however, predict what the doc is going to tell me the following day. I had my blood sugar checked and checked again, and then they called me to schedule an appointment right away. I presume that they are going to tell me I have diabetes. Which means something like if I don't pay closer attention to my eating and excersize habits, I will die.

As you all know, I'm large with the fat acceptance. I'm not very good at separating my right to be fat from my desire to live and be healthy. So I'll be struggling with that for a while. And since I have insurance now, I have to prepare myself for the suggestion that I have Weight Loss Surgery. I don't really want to have surgery, nor do I want to take any crazy drugs. But at the same time I've been modifying my eating habits for a while now to no avail. I may even have to get into a real live, exercise routine. Honestly, I'm afraid to work out hard for fear of a heart attack. The delicious irony aside, that would suck. These days, I actually have things to live for...

Also, I need a wikipedia entry.
How does one go about getting one of those?
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[livejournal.com profile] fflo reminded me that I wanted to post about last night's Colbert Report.

Legendary chubby chaser Leonard Nimoy was on. We all remember Leonard from his brilliant work on In Search Of, and his awesome role in 1978's Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Hint, he was in on it.
Anywhoo, he was on Colbert last night talking about The Full Body Project which is mainly Leonards own photography of Women En Large*. They are some beautiful, brave women. I know no one's getting near naked Wednes with a camera, although I did let H take lingerie pics when we'd been dating for about six months.

Nimoy and Colbert talked about body image while Colbert professed his distaste for anything that goes against traditional standards. That Colbert is such a funny guy. It was a great interview and the audience seemed totally supportive to Nimoy and his message of beauty at any size.

I'm always pretty quick to post when fat gals are getting a raw deal.
It's nice to have something positive to post on the subject.



*Another splendid book of this type.
wednes: (Default)
Well that haven of enlightenment, the American South, has done it again. A Mississippi representative has proposed legislation that would, get this, prevent obese people from eating in restaurants. Because Oh NOES!!! Somethink must be dOOOOOONE about all these fatties.

Don't beleive me? read it here )

Whether you support fat acceptance or not, any reasonable person must beleive that this is an outrage. Not to mention, how the hell are they gonna enforce it? Some 16 year old kid at McDonalds is gonna have to tell someone they won't serve them because they're too fat? Like their jobs aren't horrible enough already. What if you work there, do you not get your free meal because you're too damn fat? What about salads? Even Weight Watchers lets you eat McDonalds if you want it. What about take out food, or delivery? What if the pizza gets here but the guy thinks I'm too fat to eat it? Oh Mississippi, how you do infuriate me.

This proposal is so absurd that I barely feel it warrants logical debate. At the same time, the government is allowed to jail me for choosing to smoke pot, why not forbid me to eat a Big Mac? After all, I'm fat. Don't I know that I'm slowly killing myself by choosing to eat food that strangers don't think I need? Don't I know that the government loves me and doesn't want me to be fat? Don't I know that they're doing this for my own good because as a fat person, I have no self control?

I could go on all day, but I won't.

And as if fat people don't have it tough enough, 5 killed in a shooting at a Lane Bryant
wednes: (Default)
My groovy New Year's Eve party begins soon. Right now, there's a cake cooling on the counter, along with eggrolls defrosting slightly before I bake them. There is hommus and lavash in the fridge, and after I post this I'm going to change into some fly pajamas.

I found a job this year, after almost three years of disability. I was pretty damn depressed at how long it took me to find a decent job, but eventually I did. It's a good job for the likes of me, and I seem to be doing pretty well at it. So yay for that!!

I got married this year, it was a big year for weddings in fact. My wedding was wonderful and beautiful, and more importantly, I picked exactly the right man. So yay for that as well.

Two of my books got picked up for publication. One of them is actually good and may 'break out' as they say. I don't know about all that, but I'll be happy if people I don't know in real life decide to buy a copy.

I lost 15 pounds this year, which is better than the 10 I usually gain. I'm feeling pretty good about myself in that way, even though I'm not yet in the shape I'd like to be. This year, more yoga and less fast food I think.

I ended my three year stint in intensive therapy which included medication, Group and individual sessions, and plenty of EMDR. I feel great about all I accomplished in therapy, it's made some really positive changes in my life and helped me be a better partner to H. So yay for that too!

Next year my books will actually come out, so I have something to feel good about there. Plus I have some more novel stuff in the works, possibly for a 2009/2010 release. A bunch of my short stories are coming out too, and some of those are pretty good.

My 20 year high school reunion will be this year. Not sure yet if I plan to attend. I may though, we'll see if H can get the time off work. Because it might be fun to go, now that I have a life.

This year was a great year, with much to feel good about.
Next year promises to be even better, methinks.
wednes: (Default)
I'm supposed to be working on my NaNoWriMo novel right now, but as you can see I'm procrastinating.

I was looking in this awesome catalog called Living XL with all these products to make life a little more comfortable for the girthy, such as myself. One of the things they have is an "intensive use" (don't you just love that term?) folding portable chair. It's just like a regular portable folding chair, except I could sit in it. It's pretty nice, and I'm thinking of buying it as a birthday present to myself. That way when I next go to a BBQ or some other such party, I won't have to stare in horror at the plastic lawn chairs and resign myself to standing for the next several hours while everyone else is seated comfortably.

We're not doing anything cool for Thanksgiving. We both have the day off, but I forgot to plan a nice meal so I'm just going to throw together the best foods we already have lying around. Probably chicken burgers and rice with boursin. That should do nicely, unless we decide to go to the White Castle. They'll be open.

I'm also not throwing myself a birthday party this year, even though my birthday is on a Saturday. THIS Saturday for anyone out there keeping track of such things. I figure we just had a big, Wednescentric event where people came in from all over to bring me gifts and mad props. I just don't feel like doing another big party thing, although I am thinking of having New Year's Eve this year.

So I ask you local types (and anyone else who plans to be in Ann Arbor), what are you doing for NYE? and if I have a party, will you come?

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
33,692 / 50,000
(67.4%)


I got a lot done on my weekend away, but I'm still not sure I'll be able to finish on time. It's a pretty good novel though, so I'll finish it for sure at some point. I love these characters, and I think the ones I don't love will get fed to a giant monster. And one guy is going to die tragically, in a heartbreaking but funny fashion. Can't wait.
wednes: (Default)
I've been trying to figure out how to phone post since I can't seem to get on Lj at work. The number I have for it doesn't work in my phone and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. It would be much easier just to read LJ from work, but my desk faces the admin offices so I have to be pretty careful. Plus I guess they monitor that sort of thing so people won't watch porn at work or something.

They are really getting their shit together over at Big Fat Blog. I've been thinking for a while about getting into some serious fat activism but had no idea where to start. It looks like they are really trying to get some activism going. I talk a pretty good game in re: fat. But in real life, I tend to be nervous about the kind of verbal retaliation I might get from speaking out about fat rights. There's still an awful lot of stupidity and ignorance in the world, especially on the topic of fat. Plenty of people still want me to blame myself and wallow in sorrow over how I look. Admittedly, I do that sometimes but I'm trying hard to accept myself as is and make healthy choices regardless of how "hopeless" it all seems.

Okay, now I'm off to work.

Oh, and the girls in Group are throwing me a shower. For you local types, it's September 9th, which is a Sunday.
wednes: (Default)
Well, I'm off to work. My first day yesterday was full of training and paperwork. The people seem pretty nice, mostly music nerds and Harry Potter fans. I feel sort of out of my element since there's so much product knowledge I lack, but I have some good resources and it should all come together pretty soon. I've been taking cabs so far, it's only $6, but once I don't have to carry tons of stuff back and forth I'll be able to ride the bus in and just cab it home. They also want me to take a break during my shift. As if I need a break from sitting by a computer and talking on the phone...

Plus, I actually have an occasion to use my old Madstone coffee cup--for water.
I also have an excuse to buy some new clothes, which I'll be able to afford.

JoJo is not at all cool with my new schedule. He's acting like some kind of maniac cat. Maybe I need some kind of superhero to chill him out:

I got hipped to this pic by [livejournal.com profile] eroslane,
I didn't draw it--what am I, [livejournal.com profile] smarbaby?!?

This weekend shall be crazy writing so I can catch up with, and most likely finish the JulNoWriMo. I'm sure my serial killer misses me by now.
And then...Shark Week!!!
wednes: (Default)
H surprised me with a trip to the mall today. We picked out our wedding rings and put the deposit down on them. I got the one I wanted, all sparkly and diamondy with some blue sapphires. I won't post a pic because I posted one when I first picked it out. Check out my handfasting tag if you missed it and really want to see it now.
H got a titanium ring which looks good and was very reasonably priced. We also looked at Bulova watches for him, but he thinks they are a needless expense. I thought he might like a big-boy watch since he's a grown man and all. But H thinks spending more than say $100 on a watch is just silly. I admit, he has a point. Then H took me to Godiva for a few truffles, which are my favorite.

The engagement pics yesterday went well. We took a bunch of outside shots, and some of us in the apartment clowning around. It was pretty fun and only took about an hour. Next week or so, I'll have pics to post so's you can all see them.


In more infuriating news, here's a charming story about a teenage girl who was sexually assaulted in a park by three teenage boys. But wait, the girl is fat. So according to the barrister, she was not raped. She was "glad of the attention". I realize that women are often painted as "asking for it" based on many irrelevant factors, but this just kills me. I don't even know what else to say about it; it's so enraging to think anyone would make such an ugly assertion, especially to a victim of such an awful crime.
wednes: (Default)
I got a snow day too!! No Group, no mail, no going outside of any kind. I think I'm gonna go build some kind of non-gender specific snow person. I may as well, since I have some fly new gloves with mittens over them.

Happy Love Day, everyone.

------------------------------
Holy CRap!!!
I just found out that Heather MacAllister died.
I went to my first ever fat girl clothing swap with her.
Such a loss...
She was an amazing person.

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