![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four
I've been meaning to post about this since just after my book release party, and have not had the time to sit down and compose something thoughtful. Some of you may view this as a "duh" concept, but recent events have made me think a lot about it within the context of the women I encounter. And yes, even though this is an issue that affects both genders, the manifestations I want to address are specific to women in my experience.
Even when women intellectually know that it's bad to hate their bodies, they still manage to feel shame and embarrassment over parts of themselves--and to think doing so is only being honest.
As most of you know, I had a book release party recently. Lots of people came, and my regular photographer,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
slapnticklejr was onhand. He took many fantastic pictures of the event, many of which I posted the following day. I was careful to select pics of everyone (myself, event organizers, "fans," etc) that were flattering. Nobody was mid-sneeze, making an underwear adjustment, or giving anyone else The Finger. All the pics, IMHO, were of people looking like their genuine selves.
Within 24 hours of my posting pics, I got no less than FOUR Emails from women asking me to take their pics down. Not to untag them, not to crop this or that out, but to take the pics down entirely. They were all very polite, non-accusatory Emails. Each one of them contained a variation of the phrase "I don't like having my picture taken" or "I hate looking at pictures of myself."
I don't mind telling you, it made me want to openly weep.
These are beautiful women who are smart and funny. Some of them are "a little chubby" but I don't know that they are medically "obese." (Side note, my mom once made it a point to tell my relatives that I was "obese" when I was in college. My Uncle Vic sent me a letter that said "being obeast {sic} is very unhealthy." That connotatively devastating misspelling stayed with me for a long time.) These are all women who know better than to be taken in by societal ideas of who they should be or how they should look. So, when I ever-so-gently called some of them out on it, the responses were overwhelmingly "Yeah I know...but--" and then some pointed commentary on why THEIR body needs to be covered up even though every OTHER woman should learn to feel good about herself.
When I look at say, userpics of women on line--I notice that many of them don't even use pics of themselves. Yes, it's fun to use those avatar makers sometimes, and I do that myself from time to time. If you're doing that for fun, great. If you're doing it so you don't have to show anyone a pic of yourself--it may be time to examine things. Also, lots and lots of women use pics of their kids as their userpic. I understand that all you moms out there take pride in your kids and think they are cute. But if you think a pic of your kid is the best representation of who YOU are--that is an issue in and of itself.
That said, when fat chicks use pics of themselves, they tend to edit out the "bad parts." It's amazing how many people use the thoughtfully stroking the chin pose to hide a double chin. Or they put a scarf, some leaves, a cat, anything at all to cover up a double chin that reveals that *gasp* they are overweight. Some chicks closely crop so you can't even tell they have a chin. Honestly, I'm not dissing them, but it's sad. As I was thinking about this a week ago, I was literally cropping the pics of me at the signing so no one could see my enormous belly. Of course, everyone AT the signing already saw it. Everyone I know in real life sees what I look like every single day. I looked over my own Facebook userpics and recalled how many times I held the camera way over my head so I could take a down-angle shot to hide my own double chin. Dang.
When it comes to clothes, I tend to cover up as much of myself as possible. Sleeves should go down to at least the elbow. Hems should not rise above low-to-mid calf (lest anyone label me as having *gasp* cankles). Tops can be low cut, but not if you see that I wear old-lady bras with good support instead of lacy cute bras that B-cup girls can wear. T-shirts should hang down to cover as much of my belly as possible, and should never EVER be tucked in. Dresses should not be tight anywhere, unless I'm showing off cleavage. Big boobs are great, after all. But big bellies and big butts are a source of terrible shame. That's what I was raised to believe anyway.
Honestly, when I see full-body pics of myself, my thought process is something like Geez, I look awful. I mean, I look really awful. My stomach is so huge and gross and look--there's a pic of me with FOOD in my hand--no wonder I'm so gross looking!! These are comments best made by drunken teenagers screaming out of car windows as they speed by--not by my own internal monologue. I guess the only difference is that I would never ask someone to take a pic down because I'd be embarrassed to admit that I hate my appearance so much.
I usually go on to think that I must be an amazing person inside because I am so well liked and have so many good friends and so many exceptional people in my life--despite being so awful looking. They don't think I'm ugly, so why the hell should I? No--I'm asking...because I honestly don't know.
We all know that there's a constant barrage of media things that tell us what we should buy and how we should look. Many industries are hell bent on convincing us not just that we're all fat and ugly, but that we smell bad, our kids aren't learning fast enough, we're too slow, too tired, or not having enough fun. Some of these are easy to ignore. Despite rampant advertising, I've never watched an ep of American Idol--and I won't. I won't shop at Wal*Mart no matter how many times they tell me I can "live better" if I do. I don't care that Kirstie Alley or Eddie Van Halen's ex-wife or Donny Osmond's sister have lost weight eating fake food. Apparently, they all feel "great" now. Yeah, I'd feel great too if I got a half a million dollars to stand on TV in a girdle and tell strangers how fun it is to eat fake food and how much better you'll feel when you star in a show called "Fat Actress." Feh.
So why does body-image-dissing advertising hit us so hard? I've had a bunch of EMDR, I should be impervious to the taunts and insults of strangers--so why is my inner critic the most vocal and bitchy of them all? If my husband--or anyone really, ever spoke to me the way my inner voice speaks to myself, I'd cordially invite them to go fuck themselves.
That said *whew*, here's the latest horrible thing fat people are expected to undergo, lest they be accused to "not caring about their health." It's a patch they sew onto your tongue that makes it too painful to eat solid food. You know, so you can remember to only eat liquids until you're not such a big, ugly fatass. Then of course, you can get the patch removed once you're cured, and can feel free to go on about your business.
Even when women intellectually know that it's bad to hate their bodies, they still manage to feel shame and embarrassment over parts of themselves--and to think doing so is only being honest.
As most of you know, I had a book release party recently. Lots of people came, and my regular photographer,
slapnticklejr was onhand. He took many fantastic pictures of the event, many of which I posted the following day. I was careful to select pics of everyone (myself, event organizers, "fans," etc) that were flattering. Nobody was mid-sneeze, making an underwear adjustment, or giving anyone else The Finger. All the pics, IMHO, were of people looking like their genuine selves. Within 24 hours of my posting pics, I got no less than FOUR Emails from women asking me to take their pics down. Not to untag them, not to crop this or that out, but to take the pics down entirely. They were all very polite, non-accusatory Emails. Each one of them contained a variation of the phrase "I don't like having my picture taken" or "I hate looking at pictures of myself."
I don't mind telling you, it made me want to openly weep.
These are beautiful women who are smart and funny. Some of them are "a little chubby" but I don't know that they are medically "obese." (Side note, my mom once made it a point to tell my relatives that I was "obese" when I was in college. My Uncle Vic sent me a letter that said "being obeast {sic} is very unhealthy." That connotatively devastating misspelling stayed with me for a long time.) These are all women who know better than to be taken in by societal ideas of who they should be or how they should look. So, when I ever-so-gently called some of them out on it, the responses were overwhelmingly "Yeah I know...but--" and then some pointed commentary on why THEIR body needs to be covered up even though every OTHER woman should learn to feel good about herself.
When I look at say, userpics of women on line--I notice that many of them don't even use pics of themselves. Yes, it's fun to use those avatar makers sometimes, and I do that myself from time to time. If you're doing that for fun, great. If you're doing it so you don't have to show anyone a pic of yourself--it may be time to examine things. Also, lots and lots of women use pics of their kids as their userpic. I understand that all you moms out there take pride in your kids and think they are cute. But if you think a pic of your kid is the best representation of who YOU are--that is an issue in and of itself.
That said, when fat chicks use pics of themselves, they tend to edit out the "bad parts." It's amazing how many people use the thoughtfully stroking the chin pose to hide a double chin. Or they put a scarf, some leaves, a cat, anything at all to cover up a double chin that reveals that *gasp* they are overweight. Some chicks closely crop so you can't even tell they have a chin. Honestly, I'm not dissing them, but it's sad. As I was thinking about this a week ago, I was literally cropping the pics of me at the signing so no one could see my enormous belly. Of course, everyone AT the signing already saw it. Everyone I know in real life sees what I look like every single day. I looked over my own Facebook userpics and recalled how many times I held the camera way over my head so I could take a down-angle shot to hide my own double chin. Dang.
When it comes to clothes, I tend to cover up as much of myself as possible. Sleeves should go down to at least the elbow. Hems should not rise above low-to-mid calf (lest anyone label me as having *gasp* cankles). Tops can be low cut, but not if you see that I wear old-lady bras with good support instead of lacy cute bras that B-cup girls can wear. T-shirts should hang down to cover as much of my belly as possible, and should never EVER be tucked in. Dresses should not be tight anywhere, unless I'm showing off cleavage. Big boobs are great, after all. But big bellies and big butts are a source of terrible shame. That's what I was raised to believe anyway.
Honestly, when I see full-body pics of myself, my thought process is something like Geez, I look awful. I mean, I look really awful. My stomach is so huge and gross and look--there's a pic of me with FOOD in my hand--no wonder I'm so gross looking!! These are comments best made by drunken teenagers screaming out of car windows as they speed by--not by my own internal monologue. I guess the only difference is that I would never ask someone to take a pic down because I'd be embarrassed to admit that I hate my appearance so much.
I usually go on to think that I must be an amazing person inside because I am so well liked and have so many good friends and so many exceptional people in my life--despite being so awful looking. They don't think I'm ugly, so why the hell should I? No--I'm asking...because I honestly don't know.
We all know that there's a constant barrage of media things that tell us what we should buy and how we should look. Many industries are hell bent on convincing us not just that we're all fat and ugly, but that we smell bad, our kids aren't learning fast enough, we're too slow, too tired, or not having enough fun. Some of these are easy to ignore. Despite rampant advertising, I've never watched an ep of American Idol--and I won't. I won't shop at Wal*Mart no matter how many times they tell me I can "live better" if I do. I don't care that Kirstie Alley or Eddie Van Halen's ex-wife or Donny Osmond's sister have lost weight eating fake food. Apparently, they all feel "great" now. Yeah, I'd feel great too if I got a half a million dollars to stand on TV in a girdle and tell strangers how fun it is to eat fake food and how much better you'll feel when you star in a show called "Fat Actress." Feh.
So why does body-image-dissing advertising hit us so hard? I've had a bunch of EMDR, I should be impervious to the taunts and insults of strangers--so why is my inner critic the most vocal and bitchy of them all? If my husband--or anyone really, ever spoke to me the way my inner voice speaks to myself, I'd cordially invite them to go fuck themselves.
That said *whew*, here's the latest horrible thing fat people are expected to undergo, lest they be accused to "not caring about their health." It's a patch they sew onto your tongue that makes it too painful to eat solid food. You know, so you can remember to only eat liquids until you're not such a big, ugly fatass. Then of course, you can get the patch removed once you're cured, and can feel free to go on about your business.
no subject
W. T. F.
Even if you're held to a liquid-only diet for fear of intense pain, there's always milkshakes and soda to take the sugar-craving edge off! And basically what that patch boils down to is "diet and exercise, and oh yeah we're going to enforce this diet that doesn't work normally with TORTUROUS PAIN!!!! Oh, and give us $3k."
Weight is such a sensitive issue in general that I don't usually discuss it. My parents are both overweight. My dad got type II diabetes because of his weight; Mom's was partially the result of low energy because of anemia brought on by a huge uterine fibroid. My brother is overweight. Brian is overweight. Brian's daughter is probably a bit overweight, as well.
But you know what? Each of these fine individuals is still healthy. Dad's diabetes is under control; Mom's running around the hospital every night as the ONLY night-shift supervisor on duty; as far as I know my brother's doing fine; and despite their asthma and allergies and whatnot, Brian and his daughter are both physically active and doing fine.
Anti-fat people tend to go on diatribes about how unhealthy it is to be overweight. Yes, there's the risk of type II diabetes, but even overweight people can be healthy. And skinny people can be very, very, VERY unhealthy. The sooner American culture gets with the program that physical appearance does not necessarily reflect health, the happier the whole world will be.
And as far as internal monologue? I basically made a conscious effort to realize when I'm thinking something negative about myself, then mentally slap myself silly and go on with a different topic. It seems to have worked so far.
And I don't think you're awful looking. In fact, the dress you wore to your book signing was very flattering, and I was going to comment on how fabulous you looked, but I'm somewhat shy when meeting new people in person. :)
no subject
no subject
its caused (in part anyway) by the bodys reaction
to what that person eats. it just so happens that
particular way of eating also causes a lot of ppl
to be heavier. there are plenty of thin ppl who
eat that way & have the same reaction to the food
who have type II diabetes as well.
no subject
So, you know. There's that.
When I was 18, I made a conscious decision to stop hating my body. I realized I could be fat and happy or skinny and miserable, and I didn't want to be miserable. It was a long hard road, but not nearly as hard or long as I thought it would be. I still slip up sometimes and tell myself I'm fat and ugly and no one could love me, but I think THAT's the behaviour that needs to be conditioned against as consistently as possibly, rather than eating solid food (seriously, WTF?!).
no subject
My predominant psychosis leaves me craving validation from outside sources. There was a time I was horrified and embarrassed by ANY use of the word "fat." If someone asked me if I wanted to smoke a fattie--I'd be all What are you trying to say!?!
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
Regarding bras, a friend of mine who's got enormous breasts has found an online shop that sells cute bras for large boobies. Want me to get the url? Didn't save it as, you know, I don't even need a bra myself. :P
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
Changing self-talk is really, really hard. We begin by simply recognizing and labeling it as a judgement. It sounds like you are doing that now. Also important is the realization you've made that you wouldn't speak to other people that way and you wouldn't allow others to speak to you that way. Another step is to listen closely to the self-talk and see whose voice it is. Is it yours? Your parents? Your 6th grade teacher? An ex? Still hard to change, but these exercises are interesting, at the least.
I am horrified by that patch thing, and I'm certain it wouldn't have lasting results. I had difficulty with solid foods for a little while after having my tongue pierced, and lost no weight. Besides, I'm pretty sure that a liquid diet is not the healthiest way to get to your ideal weight.
And I'm totally guilty of the picture thing. Even after my mom's funeral, when we had a hell of a time finding pictures of her for the photo boards at the visitation... I swore I'd be better about letting my picture be made, but I find myself deleting all of them. Which is part of the reason most of my userpics are of the kids. They are the people I take pictures of.
no subject
Yeah, that tongue patch thing is terrifying. Crazier than Alli even.
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
Oye what a week.
no subject
Is everything okay?
I'll be home tomorrow evening if you want to call me. It's kind of weird how seldom we talk on the phone.
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
(this picture is from last summer.
i cant lie: im horrified by my awful hideous haircut right now.
thats why i hardly take any pix of myself anymore.
when it grows out into something other than hitler
hair or a giant bush, ill start taking pix again!)
;)
i would have to say that almost 100% of my self-confidence
is thanx to being exposed to DIVINE in john waters movies
@ a very early age (funny thing: john waters is whats on
my tv right this minute!)
it was INCREDIBLE to me to see a fat woman dressing the
way she did (exactly the way i wanted to dress!) & just
being herself & not giving a shit.
her fatness didnt even seem to be an issue to her.
there have been/are so many women in my life
who have this agenda: 'when i lose weight, ill do ______'
'when i lose weight, ill be happy' ...'ill feel better about myself' on & fucking on.
FUCK THAT! im not going to wait for some stupid thing
that may never happen!
im going to do what i want to: NOW & FAT.
& my family? woooo! talk about unsupportive!
my yiayias 2 favorite lines when i was growing up were:
'IF YOU GO OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT, YOULL GET RAPED'
&
'YOULL NEVER FIND A MAN IF YOU DONT LOSE WEIGHT'
now, as an adult, of course i know rape has nothing to
do with physical attractiveness but still, the dichotomy of those 2 statements just cracks me up.
i was a fat baby, a fat kid, a fat teenager & now im a fat adult.
i will never spend ONE SECOND worrying about the fact that MY WEIGHT
may bother other ppl.
i dont go sitting on them so ive never understood how it actually affects them @ all!
& the fact that it does (seems to anyway) REALLY FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!
sometimes...
mostly, i dont give a fuck what ppl think of me.
on the other hand, i am 100% in favor of ppl doing
what they need to do to make themselves happy.
& if someone is SO damn convinced that being thin
is the key to their happiness that they go have a
FUCKING PATCH SEWN ONTO THEIR TONGUE THAT MAKES
EATING PAINFUL, then thats what they have to do i guess.
(it sounds like something out of a SAW movie tho doesnt it?)
;(
ugh. i could go on all day about this shit
but theres so much stuff on my dvr & i think
im preaching to the choir here anyway.
;)
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
Long version: I've been a proponent of fat-positivity, health at every size, etc. for a long time. I don't post a lot about it on LJ any more for a variety of reasons, one being that I'm so busy with freelancing that i have less time for LJ generally and secondly, I got tired of getting in "but it's unhealthy to be fat!" arguments. I tend to post that stuff now specifically to fat-poz/size-poz communities on LJ where body-bashing and diet talk is specifically prescribed (i.e. fathletes, HAES, big_body_yoga, etc.).
I keep thinking I should do some more body image posts from time to time, though.
no subject
So yeah, body image and fat-bashing is something I think everybody should be talking about. Like with other things, the fact that we're taught to be ashamed of ourselves is the most damaging.
no subject
This isn't a back-handed "such a pretty face" compliment either- I think you have nice whole-body presence as well- if you're not confident, you fake it well!
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
Okay, so my pic on FB has me hiding the double chin, but not on purpose. It's not a posed shot!
If my husband--or anyone really, ever spoke to me the way my inner voice speaks to myself, I'd cordially invite them to go fuck themselves.
Very good point. This has me thinking about my inner voice today. We're going to have to have a talk. The strange stuff going on in there lately is that I've actually lost about 17 pounds in the last year or so. And I'm happy about that. Pilates is making me stronger, and not eating as much junk food is making me feel healthier. But then I'm fighting with myself over if those are the only reasons. Am I in fact happy because of all the fatphobic crap we get inundated with every day? I don't want that to be true.
And that last thing? Horrid!
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
I only have 1 user pic of my actual self, and I only use it when I'm bragging about how awesome Mander is and how lucky I am to have her as me wyf. So, since I've just done that, here ya go. :D (the other one, below, is of me from the INSIDE.) :d
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
Lots I could chime in on, but lemme say this one: though I sometimes just flat-out force myself with the fat-blob pix to let them be out there, and sometimes really don't care, or come to like the pic for other reasons or even because I got over the "ew super-fat" squick, or SOMEtimes really like my fat-blob self in it anyway (like in this userpic from a few years back), I still have plenty of moments of not saving, posting, or liking being tagged in some particular shot of the fatty fat fat variety.
One of my remaining more virulent shame triggers is when I have some splotch on my shirtfront from having dropped food, which invariably lands on the out-sticking boobage. Like, omg, that shows not only that I('m fat and I still) eat but that I eat like a (fat) slob. I just know that wouldn't feel shameful to me so much if I weren't a tub o' lard, well aware of what so many others think about that. And maybe my boobs wouldn't be quite so unavoidable a target were I less lardicious. Moreover, surely (sez my head) I wouldn't have been eating so fast or sloppily if I weren't shoveling it in in shame, or in the insidious sub- or semi-conscious speculation about what others watching might be thinking. See, I'm in Advanced Mindf*ck now--- I have shame about my shame.
I imagine a two-lane path: gentleness and pointed self-care on the personal/mental/emotional roadway, and anger and resistance and whatever action we can concoct or help with on the cultural/political one. Cuz I do think the broader cultural demonization, which encourages others to despise us and discourages our own thriving in just about any context, needs all the disruption it can get.
Somebody I was reading was hoping the Kevin Smith thing could be a Stonewall kind of event for fatties. Doesn't look like it. And for any help such a thing provides, the backlash is yet another stirring of ugly raw hatred.
The way we come to know so acutely that human nature is such that people are going to go there, and are going to love going there, it gets pretty freakin' hard to embrace love for humanity, which we are part of.
Love shouldn't be so hard.
Yikes. Back to work.
P.S. "Current mood: fat" -- ha!
Happily, my work is kinda slow today.
I too was disappointed at the way the Kevin smith thing played out. I know die-hard Clerks fans who basically said "...then his fat ass should lose some weight" followed by a barrage of people bitching about how much they hate sitting next to fat people on planes. I had a guy get shitty with me about it one of the two times I've ever flown. I didn't really have the stones to say anything to the guy, but I loudly joked with the stewardess (as she was getting me a seat-belt extender) that I'd purposely gained 100 pounds that morning just to piss that guy off. Inwardly though, I was completely shamed and would have apparated away if I'd had the ability.
no subject
Remember Isaac Mitzrahi once said, "Fat is the new black"
no subject
That guy cracks me up.
(no subject)
no subject
That said, I'm not going to claim to know what crap anyone else really has to put up with, and with that, I'll shut up and listen.
no subject
off topic
Re: off topic
Re: off topic
Re: off topic