Oh look, Wednes is talking about drugs again.

I've recently been reminded that Wednesday is "Anything can happen" Day!!! So let's all keep that in mind, shall we?

I'm dreading going to that N/A meeting tonight. Dreading it so much, that I am thinking of not going, even though I know how stupid that is. I don't want to go. I don't think I have a drug addiction. I don't like running out of weed, and I smoke some every day. I also sleep, drink water, watch TV, smooch H, and eat food every day. I don't like missing out on any of those things, but sometimes I do and it's not that big of a deal. Why do I smoke? Because it helps me feel better. I feel more relaxed, and less horribly depressed about the myriad problems that make up my life..said problems all having existed long before I ever started smoking weed. Would I like to feel relaxed and great wihtout smoking weed? Sure, that would be nice. In fact, it was nice when I was on pain pills all the time...but obviously I'm not going to N/A just so I can swap out my addictions. Plus I'm fairly confident that these people will also try to hook me on Jesus.

So far in life, I have slowly but surely eliminated things that caused me problems. I have already given up my abusive family, cigarrettes, booze, cocaine, acid/shrroms/stuff you trip on, sugary sodas and caffienated sodas (except on rare occasion). I've cut down drasticaly on fast food, candy, fried snacks and butter on everything. And I smoke a lot less weed now than I did five years ago...I mean, less than half as much. Around say, 1996-99 half an ounce wouldn't even last me 2 weeks. I used to say it was because I entertained often, but that's not really so true. Plus, my old doctor gave me addictive pain meds for over 2 years, and I went off those with no medical help at all. Plus, I can't commend myself often enough for losing wieght last year, and losing some more this year.

That said, I just really, REALLY resent having to go to drug rehab when my real problem is manic depression. Durg rehab to me is where fuck up's go after they have fucked up. I know this because I fucked up a few years ago, and I went there. Sure enough, the place was full of fuck ups, and a few people like me, who weren't really fuck ups, but who had fucked up a bit. I mean, you can fuck up without being a career fuckup. Although the older I get, the more I wonder which catagory I am actually in. Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well, considering. Other times I am sure i am the biggest fuck up I know, and that i better surround myself with other losers so I can look less losery by comparision...you know, like people who compare thier own lives to talk shows. But then, that is the nature of bi-polar illness after all. I've always had a dificult time defining limits and figuring out how to stop foiling my own plans for success.

I do beleive that I have some talents and that I could, nay should, be doing more with my life than watching TV and waiting for H to decide he wants to marry me. I'm not very motivated. In fact, I've been using the fact that I don't have any boots dissuade me from walking around outside all damn winter. I guess like most things, I dont' really see the point.

In other news, I'm obsessing over the fact that someone told me recently that I am remarkably self absorbed. I've been pondering it, and well...I just don't see it.
If I'm deluding myself in this, I hope one of you will be friend enough to explain it to me.

Update:

I went to the meeting. It was lame and stupid, and I already have intense dislike for one of the women and her stupid crap. But it is technically not an N/A meeting. It's called the "dual" meeting or "dual disgnosis group" (However, I can see where it could rapidly become a "duel" meeting, becuase there is some verbal joustery going on, methinks). The dual part indicating a diagnosis of addiction as well as mental illness. Personally, I do not think of myself as addicted nor mentally ill. I prefer to use nicer sounding euphamisms such as "mental hoo ha", "nut job", or "crazy=pants". However, I can see where it could rapidly become a "duel" meeting, because there is some verbal joustery going on, methinks.



LOST was a rerun tonight, but one I hadn't seen. Surprisingly, finding the woman who sent the transmission gave us very little in terms of actual information about the island, the "monster", or why the hell there are polar bears there. "you didn't hear about the polar bears?" Hahahaha. But I still dig Sayid, and I don't care who knows it.

Smallville was okay, but not great. I think it's terribly unfair that we didn't get to see Jonathan Kent hardly at all (wait, was he even there? Now I don't recall). Listening to the anti-teen sex message was worth it to find out that Chloe did it with Jimmy Olsen. I pointed out that it was a bit like hooking up with Robin because Batman was unavailible.

And having L&O pre emptied for a show about teen sex was totally punk. If NBC execs are reading this, you guys suck.
I know they read my journal since that show, The Medium, is based loosly on a dream I had. Maybe I should sue them ;-)

In one final TV note, another actor I like is getting a show on FOX.

And mad props to K and R, who drove me home from my meeting; and to P, who brought me McDonalds. Mmmm...McDonalds.

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