wednes | Oh look, Wednes is talking about drugs again.

I've recently been reminded that Wednesday is "Anything can happen" Day!!! So let's all keep that in mind, shall we?

I'm dreading going to that N/A meeting tonight. Dreading it so much, that I am thinking of not going, even though I know how stupid that is. I don't want to go. I don't think I have a drug addiction. I don't like running out of weed, and I smoke some every day. I also sleep, drink water, watch TV, smooch H, and eat food every day. I don't like missing out on any of those things, but sometimes I do and it's not that big of a deal. Why do I smoke? Because it helps me feel better. I feel more relaxed, and less horribly depressed about the myriad problems that make up my life..said problems all having existed long before I ever started smoking weed. Would I like to feel relaxed and great wihtout smoking weed? Sure, that would be nice. In fact, it was nice when I was on pain pills all the time...but obviously I'm not going to N/A just so I can swap out my addictions. Plus I'm fairly confident that these people will also try to hook me on Jesus.

So far in life, I have slowly but surely eliminated things that caused me problems. I have already given up my abusive family, cigarrettes, booze, cocaine, acid/shrroms/stuff you trip on, sugary sodas and caffienated sodas (except on rare occasion). I've cut down drasticaly on fast food, candy, fried snacks and butter on everything. And I smoke a lot less weed now than I did five years ago...I mean, less than half as much. Around say, 1996-99 half an ounce wouldn't even last me 2 weeks. I used to say it was because I entertained often, but that's not really so true. Plus, my old doctor gave me addictive pain meds for over 2 years, and I went off those with no medical help at all. Plus, I can't commend myself often enough for losing wieght last year, and losing some more this year.

That said, I just really, REALLY resent having to go to drug rehab when my real problem is manic depression. Durg rehab to me is where fuck up's go after they have fucked up. I know this because I fucked up a few years ago, and I went there. Sure enough, the place was full of fuck ups, and a few people like me, who weren't really fuck ups, but who had fucked up a bit. I mean, you can fuck up without being a career fuckup. Although the older I get, the more I wonder which catagory I am actually in. Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well, considering. Other times I am sure i am the biggest fuck up I know, and that i better surround myself with other losers so I can look less losery by comparision...you know, like people who compare thier own lives to talk shows. But then, that is the nature of bi-polar illness after all. I've always had a dificult time defining limits and figuring out how to stop foiling my own plans for success.

I do beleive that I have some talents and that I could, nay should, be doing more with my life than watching TV and waiting for H to decide he wants to marry me. I'm not very motivated. In fact, I've been using the fact that I don't have any boots dissuade me from walking around outside all damn winter. I guess like most things, I dont' really see the point.

In other news, I'm obsessing over the fact that someone told me recently that I am remarkably self absorbed. I've been pondering it, and well...I just don't see it.
If I'm deluding myself in this, I hope one of you will be friend enough to explain it to me.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

if it makes you feel less losery, i've left my house for a total of 1 hour in the last 3 days. and fuck NA if all youre doin is smokin weed

I agree. But since I have no insurance, I have to follow thier dual diagnosis (crazy plus drug use) program which includes NA.

That's kind of the other thing that bugs me, if I wasn't poor, I wouldn't have to do this.

and you could afford more weed

ha!

Hi There!

My dad is a member of AA, and he's a die-hard atheist. One of the steps of AA (and NA, I assume) is to believe that a higher power can help you come out of addiction, but that higher power can be anything from God, Buddha, Odin, Superman, or even just a "more enlightened version of yourself". I wouldn't worry about it. Although I'm sure there are some Jesus-nuts in NA, the main precepts have nothing to do with Christ.

I don't know you well enough to say for sure that you do/don't have a problem, but good luck in this endeavor. [nods]

I've heard, aside form AA that it's helps to spend life believing that there is something larger than you. Like, for me, what I want out of life is larger than me. But if all you can do is try, well, that's a hell of a lot more than some. I heard this nice little phrase today, that there are no traffic jams on the extre mile.

there are no traffic jams on the extre mile.

I like that very much.

I am farmiliar with that concept, and have found that it can vary from group to group how much Jesus talk there is.

My own spiritual path doesn't denounce drug use, it's all about personal responsibility. So I have difficulty reconciling that my higher power cares at all whether or not I get high. maybe in time I'll reach some sort of conclusion there. Who knows, here in Ann Arbor, there's a good chance that there will be other pagans at the meeting.

Obviously, I prefer a society where people weren't motivated to do drugs at all. I find that doing drugs is the sign of a problem. Not always, but often. Everybody can learn to relax without drugs or alcohol...it just takes some work and motivation. In your case, however, I have no idea about the effects of your bi-polar issues so obviously I'm not peaching directly to you to stop anything. Weed smoking can be an addictive habit...not physically, but mentally. I see it all the time. People too lazy to change their ways and break out of negative habits. There are plenty worse habits though, right? Again, I don't know you and am not talking at you. I suggest you ask some people who know you well about these things...and preferably some non-drug people who can look at things from outside. You don't seem like a fuckup to me...you just need to get moving forward again and I hope it happens soon for you. You also don't seem any more self-absorbed as any journaller out there. Breeze through the NA...there might be something positive in there for you. Who knows? Good luck.

I agree with pretty much all that you've said here. I like to think I am pretty self aware, so if I do have what is considered a "problem" I want to deal with it. But I have a hard time letting other people (doctor, interns and such) judge me when they only know theory and not me personally.

I also realize that if I don't go, I could very well be missing an opportunity to improve my life. And my life does need improving, this much I can be sure of.

And you know, thanks man.

You're not self-absorbed from what I can tell. Now I am self-absorbed. You're nothing like me! :P

You're not as self absorbed as I am.

I totally know what you mean about bipolar; I'm "a typical bipolar," which means I get all the lovely depression and crazy, destructive fantasies that I just barely keep under control sometimes. My vice is dairy. Seriously. I'm not really into drugs or alcohol, so I eat far too much of ice cream, milk, etc. which I am terribly allergic to and tend to have major stomach discomfort with. The point is, we all do it. I don't think you're self-absorbed, by the way. Who on LJ doesn't talk about themselves all the fucking time? We're all self-absorbed. That's why we have journals. Be happy; Smallville's back. YES, something else to whine about! I so can't wait. :-P

Right On!

Actually, I need to watch the LOST rerun so I'm taping Smallville to watch before new L&O comes on, then Daily Show.

Weds is a huge TV night for us.

Oh look, Wednes is talking about drugs again.

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