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Literally, Good Grief!
Jun. 7th, 2007 04:23 pmJust got home from therapy. Usually I go every other week, but last week was such a mindfucker that I came back in just one week.
She (my therapist, Julie) doesn't think it's the meds making me so depressed. She thinks it's grief. I'm grieving the loss of my family still, and it's especially poignant now because of the wedding coming up. Of course it is sucky that my family doesn't want to know me, let alone come to my wedding. I'm a good kid, I don't deserve this.
Bi-polar disorder runs in my family as far back as anyone can remember. But no one calls it that. In my family, if you aren't hearing voices, then you are "just fine." Why would someone who's "just fine" need therapy? To get attention of course. The family line is that I only think there's something wrong with me (read: it's all in my head) and I make a big deal out of it to get attention. Couple this with a slew of family members who desperately need therapy and medication and you've got a recipe for utter disaster. In my family, the black sheep are the people who actually got help for themselves instead of wallowing in the family craziness. Me, my uncle Vic, my great uncle Joe, my cousin Victoria, and my Aunt Millie would all appear as scorch marks on the family tree.
I'm not a fan of grief, I imagine no one is. For now though, I'm stuck with it until I can figure out a way to reconcile my abysmal family situation. I have to keep reminding myself that no one in my family is going to suddenly apologize or admit their part in anything (although it's been suggested that I apologize and then would be forgiven--but I'm not about to apologize for my unwillingness to accept abuse. I just won't do it. They are all still pretending that there was no abuse, which makes me more angry than any other part of this) And of course, even if we were all speaking, they would not come to my wedding because they are racist bastards.
It also seems like my customary defenses are abandoning me. I'm not very chatty lately, I have no sarcasm in me, and I don't feel like discussing any current events. People keep asking me if I'm mad at them because I haven't had much to say. Be assured that I'm not mad at anyone I'm not related to, I'm just feeling like...like I'm on my way to a funeral without even the buffet to look forward to, if that makes any sense.
She (my therapist, Julie) doesn't think it's the meds making me so depressed. She thinks it's grief. I'm grieving the loss of my family still, and it's especially poignant now because of the wedding coming up. Of course it is sucky that my family doesn't want to know me, let alone come to my wedding. I'm a good kid, I don't deserve this.
Bi-polar disorder runs in my family as far back as anyone can remember. But no one calls it that. In my family, if you aren't hearing voices, then you are "just fine." Why would someone who's "just fine" need therapy? To get attention of course. The family line is that I only think there's something wrong with me (read: it's all in my head) and I make a big deal out of it to get attention. Couple this with a slew of family members who desperately need therapy and medication and you've got a recipe for utter disaster. In my family, the black sheep are the people who actually got help for themselves instead of wallowing in the family craziness. Me, my uncle Vic, my great uncle Joe, my cousin Victoria, and my Aunt Millie would all appear as scorch marks on the family tree.
I'm not a fan of grief, I imagine no one is. For now though, I'm stuck with it until I can figure out a way to reconcile my abysmal family situation. I have to keep reminding myself that no one in my family is going to suddenly apologize or admit their part in anything (although it's been suggested that I apologize and then would be forgiven--but I'm not about to apologize for my unwillingness to accept abuse. I just won't do it. They are all still pretending that there was no abuse, which makes me more angry than any other part of this) And of course, even if we were all speaking, they would not come to my wedding because they are racist bastards.
It also seems like my customary defenses are abandoning me. I'm not very chatty lately, I have no sarcasm in me, and I don't feel like discussing any current events. People keep asking me if I'm mad at them because I haven't had much to say. Be assured that I'm not mad at anyone I'm not related to, I'm just feeling like...like I'm on my way to a funeral without even the buffet to look forward to, if that makes any sense.
