wednes | Literally, Good Grief!

Just got home from therapy. Usually I go every other week, but last week was such a mindfucker that I came back in just one week.

She (my therapist, Julie) doesn't think it's the meds making me so depressed. She thinks it's grief. I'm grieving the loss of my family still, and it's especially poignant now because of the wedding coming up. Of course it is sucky that my family doesn't want to know me, let alone come to my wedding. I'm a good kid, I don't deserve this.

Bi-polar disorder runs in my family as far back as anyone can remember. But no one calls it that. In my family, if you aren't hearing voices, then you are "just fine." Why would someone who's "just fine" need therapy? To get attention of course. The family line is that I only think there's something wrong with me (read: it's all in my head) and I make a big deal out of it to get attention. Couple this with a slew of family members who desperately need therapy and medication and you've got a recipe for utter disaster. In my family, the black sheep are the people who actually got help for themselves instead of wallowing in the family craziness. Me, my uncle Vic, my great uncle Joe, my cousin Victoria, and my Aunt Millie would all appear as scorch marks on the family tree.

I'm not a fan of grief, I imagine no one is. For now though, I'm stuck with it until I can figure out a way to reconcile my abysmal family situation. I have to keep reminding myself that no one in my family is going to suddenly apologize or admit their part in anything (although it's been suggested that I apologize and then would be forgiven--but I'm not about to apologize for my unwillingness to accept abuse. I just won't do it. They are all still pretending that there was no abuse, which makes me more angry than any other part of this) And of course, even if we were all speaking, they would not come to my wedding because they are racist bastards.

It also seems like my customary defenses are abandoning me. I'm not very chatty lately, I have no sarcasm in me, and I don't feel like discussing any current events. People keep asking me if I'm mad at them because I haven't had much to say. Be assured that I'm not mad at anyone I'm not related to, I'm just feeling like...like I'm on my way to a funeral without even the buffet to look forward to, if that makes any sense.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A lot of the time the real tough sticking point is accepting people won't ever acknowledge the wrongs they did you, and managing to stop letting that affect you. I mean, how can you forgive & let it be in the past if the other party refuses to admit they did anything you need to forgive?

It's beyond difficult. Grrr argh.

::sends good thoughts::

Thanks man. I thought I was doing much better with all this until a couple weeks ago. I'll figure it out, it's just that i have a lot of anger to deal with in the mean time.

Awesome icon, BTW.

Having deaths close to me in the past year, I think that the only good thing about grief is that the people close to you come to you in a positive way--your misery has a cause that people understand and don't blame on you.

I was rather surprised to learn that depression is much uglier than grief, which while sad, also has a positive side.

Your grief seems to lack that positive side--that's just sucky and unfair.

I wish you the best in sorting all that stuff out.

There are plenty of positives to not being around my family, it's just that right now it's invading what should be my happiness at my upcoming wedding. I'm mostly pissed that my grief is getting in the way of what should be good times.

Happily I have tons of friends in real life and online who are happy to step in with support. And that means an awful lot.

That sucks ... I'm sorry sweetie. I understand some of what you are dealing with, no one in my family bothered themselves to show up at me and my husbands 15 year anniversary party. His folks and sister showed, but no one from my ginormous family RIGHT HERE IN TOWN could bother.

But you know what I say about that ~ tough shit, that's their problem, not mine.

*LOVES*!!!!

That sucks. It reminds me of a cartoon I saw where there's this banner for "adult children of normal, loving parents" and there's like 3 people there. ;-] I guess every family is dysfunctional if you look hard enough.

My family is only like, an hour's drive from me, but it might was well be another planet.

Thanks for the support.

You are so very welcome! I'm here for ya sweetie!

And the ironic part to my lil blip up there....his family lives about 30-45 minutes away from us, but they were there. I love my in-laws.

*More LOVES*!! =)

I hope you don't let their attitudes upset your wedding. I'm sorry that your family is laying all this guilt on you!

Thanks. I'm fairly sure that the wedding will be beautiful no matter what. And when it's over, I'll be married to H, which will be swell.

The thing about family is that you can't choose them. The thing about friends is that you can.

Your friends become your family and it's the best family because you've chosen to be with them. I have no family here in Arizona, no blood family anyways. However, I have a big family here in Arizona that is composed of some of the most wonderful people I have ever met.

Focus on the goodness of your friends (new family) and hopefully that will help you with the grief you are feeling of finally realizing that your blood family is so screwed up that they are missing out on being around a very lovely young lady.

Congrats on the wedding.

Why thanks. That is sage advice, to focus on friends over so-called family. I am very lucky to be surrounded by loving, supportive people both in RL and on LJ.

Sometimes though, it's hard to stay focused on what's really important. And I sometimes feel like H's family will think it's f'd up that my family couldn't be bothered to attend the wedding. They are a cool bunch though, so I'm probably worrying over nothing.

They may be curious as to why your family isn't there, but that's for them to work out or to talk to H about. If you feel close enough to them, you can tell them why they won't be there. Otherwise, they will probably just be happy that H is happy with the woman he loves. And, if they do think it's f'd up that your family isn't there, that's on them. Not on you. You are not your family.

Too true. Thanks for your perspective. I pretty much know that they'll be okay with things, but that doesn't stop me from worrying. I'll be fine though. I always am. ;-]

It makes total sense to me that you are feeling grief. A marriage is a happy event and you want to SHARE this happiness with others. Even if your family hasn't been close, one sort of hopes that can LET GO and just be happy ONCE, y'know? (I always get depressed around holidays for the same reason.)

So, it's NORMAL how you're feeling. It's good you're trying to both deal with and work through the grief. Just don't add another layer by feeling bad about feeling bad! (I know it's hard not to.)

Heheheh. Yeah, it is pretty hard not to. But I'll figure it out. Now that I know it's actual grief and not my meds, I feel a little less trapped and "crazy" if that makes sense.

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. HUGS

Well, you know the backstory better than anyone. I just need to work through it so I can stop being so goddamn angry. I have good reason to be pissed, but it's making my happy events less happy.

Thanks, man.

Yes I know, and i'm sorry you have to go through this. It's such a happy day Wed, however, in a way it's good you are working through this. If that makes sense.

Yeah, I'm slowly feeling better about it. And I have an EMDR session this week, which will help.

If there's any time your family should get it together and put crap aside it's now. I'm really sorry they can't. And I wish you and H all happiness and joy. You deserve it. May your marriage be long and happy. best revenge, no?

Indeed.

Thanks for the well wishes. It's nice to see how many people are happy for us.

Literally, Good Grief!

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