Whaddaya MEAN You've Never Heard of Me?!?

So Harold Ramis died.

No, wait...he didn't.

Actually yeah, he did.

What the fucking hell, man? I know that troll levels on the Internets can be both plentiful and passionate about fucking with people anonymously for no damn reason. It's like an entire counter culture made up of sociopaths who lie for fun. They couldn't ALL be abused children in denial--surely some of these trolls are just assholes at heart, right?

Seriously though, some of these trolls are like yelling FIRE in a crowded...world. Trolls of this type make people jaded, cynical, and angry. It's the kind of shit that desensitizes us and makes people unwilling to care about others. And before anybody gives me that "People shouldn't take the internet so seriously..." or "People shouldn't believe anything/everything they hear on the Internets" shit--let me remind you that the Internets are where most people get their news, do their socializing, and even work. Whether or not you think that's a good thing or a bad thing--people shouldn't be fucking around with that for "fun." If you think upsetting complete strangers with made-up bullshit is fun--get thee to a psychiatrist poste haste! Seriously.

Entire websites that are nothing but troll? Who thinks it's a good idea to build, fund, and maintain such a thing? What kind of sick mind thinks posting nothing but deceitful clickbait is a good use of time and energy?!? I really don't understand the mindset behind this sort of thing...other than general sociopathy. Really--what the fuck is wrong with people.

I have fucking had it with this shit.

My website is revamped.
I think it's nice.

Clicky!

In other news, I'm beyond stressed at how hard it is to convert my beautiful magazine layouts to epubs and mobi. Apparently, Adobe thinks a Page Break command would make exporting far too easy.
Hell, I'd pay their stupid monthly fee if it meant I could just tell it where to break the page by drawing a line with the stupid arrow.

Fuck!

Big political news means that, if I remain on social media, that I'll be reminded over and over which people I went to school with/used to work with/am peripherally related to are fucking batshit insane.

I have a cousin who supported Citizens United because she honestly believes that money and speech are the same thing. That if we limit the businesses right to give unlimited money to politicians--that we're taking away their right to free speech. I...I still have no words for this, and it still happens.

I went to high school with dozens of people who think the ACA literally has death panels and that insurance companies' top concern is taking care of patients. I also went to school with lots of middle class people who think everyone on welfare (even though many of them got Free Lunch back in the day) is lazy and "refuses" to work. Honestly, how can you live in a poor city like Hazel Park and honestly think it's not possible to work and still be poor? It's fucking delusional.

This is not old news. I know this. But I hate being reminded of how many of these utter loons stumble through life with this crazy idea that no one is working as hard as them, no one deserves the same things they have, and no one deserves any help at all until utter loons like them personally vet their situation and decide that they're not "at fault." Because if you've ever made a bad decision, fuck you--starve!

Now I'm hearing how it's "Not our problem" that war widows aren't getting their death benefits, or kids aren't no longer able to eat the meager crap their parents used to be able to afford. But heaven for-fucking-fend that a monument be closed. *shakes fist* Obaaaaah-maaaaah!!!

Yes, that's a terrible thing to say. Depression, suicide, mental illness, self-harm--none of these are funny or good. But goddammit, if your only life-plan is really about fighting against people getting healthcare, being fed and educated, or being able to vote without having to spend money to do so--fuck right the hell off. If the only people you help are already super-rich and you're only helping them to get super-richer--seriously, fuck off and die.

Politics are making me tired. But knowing that people who already have a food budget of $4.25 a day are about to have even less money? I can't stand knowing that and feeling like I can't do anything about it. I'm gonna call the food bank on Monday and see what I can do to help. Probably not much since I'm poor and have no car, but I bet I can do more than nothing--and so I shall.

My own life is crazy busy right now.
My sleep schedule is weird and I think I might be getting sick.
As such, Friday's Pics won't actually happen until Saturday this week.

Lots of you know that I'm a fan of Health at Every Size. This is a philosophy that essentially says I'm going to eat as well as I can, and exercise regularly. If that doesn't make me lose weight, so fucking what. I'm also a fan of Size Acceptance. This means that if you have some sort of problem with the size that I am, so fucking what. One might say I live on the philosophical corner of MindUrOwnBidniss Ln and HateElsewherePlz Blvd. One of the chick bloggers on FA and HAES I've enjoyed reading is Ragen Chastain. I've been reading her for a long while now. While I do think her blog is hella repetitive, I also think it's full of good information.

But here's the thing...
Like many blogs written with a concrete foundation in feminism, Ragen bends way the hell backward to not offend readers. Every opinion, every statement of philosophy, begins with a long disclaimer stating that just because she says something works for her--she's not telling everyone else that they should do it, or that it's the only right thing for anyone to do. I presume she does this because, on the internet, you can't say anything without someone jumping on you about it. If someone says "Hey, what a lovely sunny day it is" someone else will rag on them for being insensitive to people with skin cancer. If someone says "I lost weight and I feel great," others will undoubtedly ask how they enjoy being a tool of the diet companies. People are dicks, and anyone even remotely visible online needs to have a strategy for dealing with dicks up front.

But see, we all make judgements. I actually think the occasional shaming of idiots can serve to better the world, if only to encourage them to be a little less vocal in their idiocy. We all think that some people look better in certain clothes or with specific haircuts, would be happier dating different people, having a cat instead of a dog, finally admitting they're gay, watching HBO instead of Honey Boo Boo. We've all got opinions about other people and the things they do. Me, I can't shut up about mine.
Still, I don't think having those opinions makes me a hater. I'm not putting people down to feel better about me. I don't think even thinking ugly things about others does not make a person evil or mean-spirited. Own your judgements just like you own every other emotion--even when it doesn't make sense. Just like we eat foods we know are bad for us, miss people we know are actually assholes, we sometimes make judgements about people that we later feel guilty about. That's okay, really.

What's my point? I'm getting to that.
it's about my peeve: What I really, super, dooper hate.
When people pretend they aren't being judgemental when they are. I hate when people, even people like Ragen, whom I admire, do this. If someone you admire is doing something you hate (say, a fat sports hero going on The Biggest Loser) fucking say so. Otherwise, you get into this infuriating sacrificial-grandmother posture. Oh no dear, you just go to that party instead of playing cards with me like we do every Saturday. You make your own decision like the grown lady you are, and if I'm dead when you get back...well, that won't be your fault. You just went to a party.
This whole put-upon narrative of You can do any foolish, harmful thing you want...I'm not saying one single solitary word about it...not ONE WORD... thing is such utter bullshit. Prefacing your judgement with passive-aggressive ranting about how judgemental you're NOT being is uglier than simple judgement would ever be.
Why? Because it's dishonest. It also places the judger on a higher moral level than the person being judged--even though in most situations, the one being judged is actually the one being genuine. Look how judgemental I'm NOT being in the face of so-and-so's complete idiocy. I think it's their right to be an idiot so I'm not saying one word... in the middle of a post where you're saying a bunch of words about the idiocy you just said you weren't judging.

If you think people shouldn't buy or use Slimfast, say so. If you honestly believe it's harmful and dangerous-- don't pretend like you're cool with it either way, and will respect the other party just as much if they do the thing you're making it pretty clear that you don't want them doing. Disclaimer: I don't know Ragen in real life. I've not met her so I have no idea if she's the same in her blog as she is in person. She's certainly not the only person who fits the examples I've described. But it was her recent blog post that burst the dam on this issue.

All people make judgements every day. All of us. Even people like me who barely leave the house these days. I still make judgements about people based on what they say, what they do, how they respond to issues, what they say about their children. We all do this. There's no shame in it. It's how you navigate humanity. If you're constantly treating others in a way you wouldn't want to be treated--well, then you might be an asshole. Get that checked out. If not...relax. Having an opinion, even about other people, is normal, natural, and unavoidable. Opinions are actually part of instinct. We need them for survival, though this is less true on the internets

I'm what my mom used to politely call "mouthy." I've got lots to say, and I'm reasonably good at saying stuff--so I do. If I start becoming a pompous jackass, a rude bitch, or a mean-spirited asshat, I fully expect my friends to tell me that. No, that won't be a fun way to spend an afternoon. I can be rather defensive and difficult if I'm feeling insulted. But I also have enough introspective skill that I can look at the advice objectively and see if there are things I need to address.
I feel that improves me as a person the same way an aggressive editor improves prose. While I do have those moments of "Fuck you, really?" I end up a better person for it in the end. I was being a total snobby bitch about fanfic a while back, and a few people took me to task for it. It wasn't fun, but as I was out of line, it was an asskicking I totally deserved. Just because I hate something, people who like it aren't necessarily vapid morons with nothing to contribute to literature. Who knew, amirite? ;-]

So no, we shouldn't all go around thinking we know what's best for everyone. But if we've got something that we feel strongly enough about that we're sharing it with a wide audience--it should be truthful, honest. If it isn't, it's deceptive, which means it might just as well be manipulative.
Don't manipulate me, just tell me what's up.
I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

I've had a terrible pain in my back for over a week now. The kind where it doesn't hurt to stand up straight, but any sort of bending is excruciating. So cooking, cleaning, getting dressed--all very hurty.

Yeah...I just felt like complaining about it.
If it's not gone by Friday, I'm going to the doctor.

There's a company called Aura Cacia who makes essential oils.
They are great. I use a bunch of them, as should most people.

Their oils come in bottles that are all the same size, and shape.
The bottles are square and the lids are round and white.

Lavender oil is great on cuts and sores, etc.
It's also good for aromatherapy, so I keep it by the CPAP.

Lemon oil is NOT great on cuts, but is great for aromatherapy.
So I keep it by the CPAP.

Guess what happens when your humble narrator reached over in the dark to grab some soothing lavender oil and apply it to an injured area.

...



The End

It seems that my idiocy knows no bounds. I was all set to get up and do a ton of work yesterday, when disaster struck. I emptied my computer trash, knowing that there were a bunch of unedited screencaps from various TV reviews. The little box comes up telling me that it's now deleting...

Four thousand items?!?

What? Four thousand? Son of a--
I look at my desktop, and to my horror see that I have deleted the folder with all my pics, (including the pics I use online) Kindle backups (and thousands of books I downloaded) and about 75 gigs of movies and audio that were not in iTunes for one reason or another. Fuck fuckety fuck!

I manage to stay calm.
Facebookers helped me out with figuring out what to do next.
I ended up paying $90 to use a program called Disk Drill.
It showed me that it could recover most all of my files.
Yay, right?

But wait...
My spare disc drive (not big enough to run Time Machine) conked out in the middle of the recovery, so I didn't get everything back.
I also learned that when you recover files, none of them are named. So I have to eventually go through every single file by hand to figure out what the hell it is. Gah!

So, if anybody wants to buy me a present, I could use a TB drive.

When they want to do maintenance work in our building, the office sends us a vague note telling us to crate any animals and move stuff around...and they'll be by some time in the next couple of weeks. Yes, they actually give us a time frame of weeks.

After fucking us over several times with this last required maintenance visit, they finally showed up several hours late today to change the fucking windows we didn't even want changed in the first place.

So what do these assholes do? They take the windows completely out of both bedrooms, and just walk away. Yeah. I admit, I made the assumption that they were not idiots and that they gave something close to a rat's ass about renters. I also thought that anyone who was not a fucking dumbass would take one window out, replace it, then take the other one out. They are in different rooms after all.
After all, that's what a sane person would do. My mistake.

Now Pentelope would never run out an open door or window. Ever. JoJo would not come out if someone was in the room messing with the window. But if say, a window was removed and then everyone left that room...he might very well leap out the window. Since he isn't here and neither of us can find him, I can only assume that's what happened.

Hartman and Tyner is easily the worst, by a WIDE margin, worst place I have ever lived. I've been to trailer parks that have better management, and stayed at homeless shelters that afforded residents more courtesy and basic respect.

Well, I've had it. I'm reporting them for their various illegal entries, and for that asshole who messed with my toothbrush. I'm reporting the lack of fixing things, the lease violations, that time they told us not to call the cops when people upstairs are fighting, everything. Because fuck them! Fuck them!

EDIT: JoJo is back. He was close by.

You know what would have been nice?
If ol' Marge had died without me having to read her stupid, bitchy quote about socialism and "other people's money" a zillion fucking times.

It's always a little unnerving when someone rings my buzzer when I'm not expecting anyone. Any friend who wants to come see me knows enough to call or text first to make sure I'm here, and wearing pants and a bra. So when my buzzer rang at 8pm on a Friday night, I thought that was odd.

It was some chick saying she was from the local gas company. Like everyone else I know, we use DTE for gas and electric. I forget sometimes that it's no longer called Consumers Power, but I guess it hasn't been than in like, 20 years.

The chick was telling me about some kind of savings we could get if we signed up for some kind of...honestly, I was only half listening. I was working, and tired, and besides, H handles all the bills and money stuff. I'm rather a 1950's housewife in that limited sense. So I told the lady I didn't handle that. She was all "that's okay, you can just grab one of your bills," and I said H did everything online. So she was all, "So we can just pulls it up online? Great!" and I was like "No, my husband handles that." By this point, I was starting to get annoyed, and was sorry I'd buzzed her in to the building.

She went away and I didn't think any more about it. But then, someone else from the company came by and gave H the same pushy speil. Apparently, these people are NOT from out local gas company--even though H said the second guy had DTW paperwork with him. I'd have sworn the chick I talked to did too, but I wasn't paying super close attention.

Anyway, the whole thing was shady as hell.
If you live in Ann Arbor, Pittsfield TWP, or Ypsi proper, Beware!

If you haven't been following my horrible maintenance goings on, it's here if you're interested. If not, no big whoop. The office started calling us every time maintenance was going to be making noise in the hall. They might have been trying to anger me, but I wasn't angered. I'd much rather know in advance when my water is gonna be off, when I'm not gonna be able to record because of loudness in the halls, or when they're gonna come busting in here.

I got a call from them on Tuesday telling us that our water might go out for a few hours that afternoon. It didn't. Got a call yesterday telling us that they're going to have to come in between 2-2:30 today. I planned my sleep schedule and whole day around being here to deal with them so H wouldn't have to. Instead, they show up at 11:30am. Then they tell H that they have to cut a fucking hole in our bedroom wall--for water pipes. Why the fuck do water pipes even go through the back bedroom??? Even though I've only been in bed since 6am, (when I took a sleeping pill and a pain pill because I have another goddamn kidney stone) I get up and haul myself out to the sofa. That's when I learn that this intrusion has to happen two more times in the next two days. H and I both work nights, so we find this very, very inconvenient.
Do they care? No.

I find this doubly frustrating because they KNOW we can't afford to move out, take our business elsewhere, stop throwing money into rent that we'll never see again--etc. And I have a FB friend who can't shut up about how people can always move if they "put forth the effort." Yeah, because the US is a complete meritocracy and the reason a banker makes more money than any 6 people I know put together can only be because bankers work so very hard. *spit* I'm sick of feeling guilty any time I spend $20 on something just for fun. It's not as if that money would buy us a house...still.

I have tons of work to do and can't sit at my desk for more than a few minutes. I'd love to move my laptop to a more comfortable position, but alas, JoJo broke my click bar and I haven't spent a whole day yet sitting at the Apple store, waiting for one of those rude jackasses to help me. I don't know why I can't just rip the click bar the hell off and go from there. Fuck! Everything is so annoying right now.

Twitter: I gain more followers just letting my account sit there. I seem to lose people every time I actually post something. And I hate being limited to 140 characters. Arbitrary, anyone?
This leads me to believe that Twitter is an annoying sack of crap.
So yeah...there's that.

As usual, sociopolitical stuff is inescapable since I insist on hanging out on the internets. But I can't talk about guns any goddamn more. I was thinking about opportunity in America, and how lack of it creates hopelessness, which can intensify into fear and desperation. I lot of people feel like they have less opportunity than our parent's generation had. Less money, harder to buy a home, have to take jobs you don't like, etc. But some people think we have more opportunity, mainly because of the internet.

It used to be that when you met someone, you'd ask what they do. By that, you were asking what job they had--ie, what they did for a living. But now when I ask that, I'm asking the person what they actually do. Like, what's their art, their passion, what do they make. For way too many people, what they're passionate about has little to do with how they earn a living. So asking someone what their job is not only tells you very little about them--but it may also be sort of rude. More akin to asking someone how they pay their bills as opposed to actually learning something about who they are as a person.

Then I remember how damn lucky I am to be able to do what I like full time. I'm not just writing, I'm producing audiobooks and marketing for other companies and learning all this wild new stuff. That also frees me up to make comics and learn cooking stuff and review TV professionally. On that note: I want The Following to be awesome. I'll be hella bummed if it's not. Ripper Street also starts this week on BBC America. I'm poised to dig it. My bro is coming for lunch on Sunday, and I'm making eclairs. Well, I'm attempting to make eclairs. Difficult to say what I'll actually end up with.

Tonight I have 5 more marketing articles to write, plus the draft of my next article for Kinkly. I think I have a loose plot for the next Stig & the Puppetman. I have to get that drawn by tomorrow evening so H can scan everything in for me. Four chaps to go until A Stabbing for Sadie edits are done and can be sent to Mr Publisherman for the 2nd edition. Then, audiobooks go into production.

Been watching Breaking Bad for TV night on Sundays. We're half way through season two. It's great, just like everyone says. Still, his wife and her family are so awful. I'm surprised to be liking the DEA agent much more than the women. They suck.

I've been so busy with work writing and NaNo writing and pretending to be a comic-er...whatever you call someone who arts comics, that I haven't been watching any new movies. I like to sit down and enjoy a movie every week. Now that I'm caught up on a few things, I thought it would be cool to watch 2 movies over the weekend.

Cabin in the Woods. Really? This is the movie you people have been blathering about since mid-summer? Let me see if I can set up my review as a cutaway: Remember that Family Guy episode where Peter says he hated The Godfather? And the family is shocked and demands that he justify it? Peter says simply, It insists upon itself. I've pondered that ever since. Peter has a point. I still love GF and GF2, but that criticism stuck with me. Last weekend, when I watched CitW, I realized that it totally insisted upon itself--and everything that came before it. ( In detail...including my thoughts on Who is a horror fan. )

The Muppets. On Sunday afternoon, I finally checked out that Muppet movie that came out last year. I'd had it on the DVR for a while, and grew tired of waiting for H to be in the mood to watch it. Man, it was fantastic. Fun, inspiring, incredibly moving. I'm exactly the right age to appreciate the intense nostalgia, and the sadness of Fozzie Bear having to endure the drumming of Dave Grohl. Ba-ZING. Just joshing, Grohlly ol' chap!
If I ever meet Jason Segel, I'm just going to hug him and thank him for The Muppets. Chris Cooper was delightful as Tex Richman. I wanted more cameos, but there were a bunch of cool ones anyway. The songs were good, the story was classic, and I swear, I cried through half the movie.
Everyone should watch it, but be ready to be made aware of just how old you fucking are.


If I may issue a plea to some of you's: The Finster Effect is in great need of reviews and good buzz. If you've read it, please leave a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads. If you'd like to review it and can't afford to buy a digital copy, hit me up privately, and we'll arrange some kind of barter for sexual favors, or cookies. ;-] If you're famous, please blurb it.

Three cheers, as Resilient Brainforest #4 is out. This is a FREE pdf comic collection from people who don't normally make comics. You will find crude drawings and photos, sexy talk, drug references, and #3 of Stig and the Puppetman, my delightful comic about mismatched serial killers who are also roommates. Every issue has a theme, and this months theme is "WANT." Know what *I* want? I want you to download it. We are looking for contributors, so ask me for details if you'd like to be a joiner. (Psst. Be a joiner. It's ridiculous that I know so many people yet haven't brought anyone in to this thing!)

I'm signing a contract for a freelance gig that is essentially well-paid, per project content creation. It's cool, but not exactly my dream job. And I'm not sure how steady the work will be.

Was supposed to hear back on the job I was testing for. Was supposed to get an automated Email last night letting me know. I stayed up until 12am PST to get it, even though 3am on a Sunday is late even for me. Didn't hear. Still haven't heard. The site indicates that I finished the test, but no results. I are irked. It specifically says not to write and ask for results, but if they're more than 2 days late, I probably will. Right now they're only 18 hours late.

Also waiting on another contract that will allow me to make a big announcement. I imagine most of you have figured it out already. Plus, I told 3 people not counting H. I hate waiting, and I suck at it.

For movie night, we watched Hannah. I was hoping it would be pretty good. I ended up digging the hell out of it. Was worried at one point that the ending would flop, but I felt quite satisfied. H and I are fans of Eric Bana, and Cate Blanchette is great in everything. Tonight, H and I are finally gonna watch The Horde. Last week we checked out The Revenant, and thought it was pretty good, and I'll likely write that up for ZZN.
Speaking of ZZN, got some fun interviews coming up. A few of the kids from Zombie Hunter and a Dr Rotz who does a series of web vids that I'm finding pretty hilarious.

Michael Dorn is the Captain in the new Star Trek series.
Imma watch the hell out of it! (Of course, I said that about Enterprise but didn't actually watch it due to its lameness)

And finally Mel Hines and James L Grant have dropped yet another webcomic on an unsuspecting world. Failure to Fire is online as of today. It's gonna be awesome.

My best good friend, The Internet, has played me false.

You may have heard that there's a Facebook "feature" (yes, they're actually calling it a feature) where random things you've liked may now post on your wall as if they are you. In this case, it was Yahoo! who did this to me. So, if you "like" something on any Yahoo! page, you're sending them an invitation to do this to you.

They've begun posting DIET ADS on my Facebook page as if it was me, following up with a comment on how it "really works," my buddies are doing it, etc, lie lie lie.

This is horrifying for several reasons:

1. As an advocate of Body Equality, I am appalled that anyone would think that I'm telling them that they should want to artificially manipulate their body size in the name of "health" or worse, for "attractiveness." Fuck that shit!

2. As an advocate of Health at Every Size, I am disgusted that someone would push a dangerous hormonal diet product to my friends and fans, and to do it under my name as if I think it's a good idea. It is slanderous.
On that note, at least one person was heard to say "Well, if Wednesday supports it, maybe it's something we should look into." *chokes on own rage*

3. The posts themselves do not exhibit proper grammar. While I'm certainly not immune to typing accidents, I'm pretty sure I can remember to begin sentences with capital letters. As a writer, shitty, ungrammatical posts that read like they were written on a phone make me look like an asshole.
(Ha! edited to fix a typo)

4. While the posts themselves are from Yahoo! the ad redirects to...I can't make this up...FOX News.com. Yes, FOX news is slandering me. It should make me feel important, but I'm just too damn angry. And if this shit really worked, you'd think a self-hating fatty like Mike Huckabee would have a few vials of it next to his Chick-Fil-A lunch.

5. FOX News. Yes, I'm saying that one twice. I already hated them, but this time it's personal. Fucking with my integrity as a writer and and activist is beyond the pale. I've got half a mind to Occupy something.

For now though, I'd like for Yahoo!, FOX News, HCG (the company that brings you "Ultra Drops"), and Dr. Simeon (Any guesses as to whether or not he's a medical doctor? I don't know--I'm simply asking questions!) to have their advertising efforts backfire on some kind of massive and hilarious scale. I would LOVE to make this intentional slanderous spamming much more trouble than it's worth for them. Since hundreds of heads MUST be better than one, I'd love your input.

If any of you have ideas on the best way to throw this back in their stupid monkey faces, so they have no choice but to sit there grooving on it, please do let me know. No idea is too silly, too widespread, or too riddled with profanity to be considered--though we shouldn't tell any actual lies.
I am super fucking angry about this.

So, my creative friends...little help?

Some of you may remember that I had a pretty big freak out during H's open enrollment last November. H has been at his current gig for over 15 years and is not eligible for any more raises as he is "topped out." We didn't mind so much, because our biggest expenses were rent and my medical stuff. BCBS is supposed to be like winning the lottery of insurances.

BCBS used to offer us a decent plan. As long as a doc confirmed that I "really needed" something, I got it. That's how I finally got the mental, emotional, and medical help I needed. It's how I learned about my ulcers, my kidney-stones, and my random internal bleeding. It's also how I finally got the sleep study and CPAP I'd clearly needed since childhood.

I have memories of being 5 or 6 years old and not even being able to run for the school bus. I was tired my whole life. Because I was in the midst of such a warm wonderful family (sarcasm, dammit) I was constantly told I was "just lazy." I grew up thinking everyone felt like me, shitty and tired, but they pulled themselves out of it--and I didn't because I was SO lazy. When our appalling eating habits also made me fat, and that fat was then exacerbated by nearly a decade in the fast food industry--my body, and my credit were both pretty much ruined by the time I was 25. Yeah, there's more to that...but I digress.

It wasn't until I met H, and introduced a steady stream of love and support (and okay, income--not a lot of money, but I wasn't at risk of homelessness anymore) into life that it got any better. Having health insurance was a fucking godsend. Finally finding a doctor who didn't dismiss my rampant night terrors and hallucinations as "probably from smoking marijuana" (or saying it's brain damage and then not doing anything about it) and got me a damn sleep study. Turns out, I was damn near insane from lack of sleep, as I stopped breathing at least 80 times an hour.

I have the kind of apena that is hereditary. I've always had it, as has much of my family. Losing 200 pounds wouldn't make it go away. Even if it did, I'll probably need a good night's sleep before that happens. I've lost a bunch of weight since I got the CPAP, just because I'm awake and have energy.

Anyway, H's work used to offer 3 tiers of insurance: basic, medium, and fancy-pants. We couldn't afford the fancy-pants, but needed more than the basic.
They used to offer 3 plans: employee, employee plus spouse, and family.
We have no kids, so our choice was obvious.
FF to last year. They cancelled the medium plan, and canceled employee plus spouse. I worried that we'd have to cancel cable/internet/and one of our phones, which I didn't like, just to keep the insurance. I need the internet and cable to work. Turns out, that still wouldn't have been enough scrimping. We'd have needed to find a cheaper apartment, which would have meant an even worse neighborhood and MUCH farther for H to commute. Remember, we don't drive.

So...
We have basic insurance and are paying for a whole family even though there are only two of us. I learned today that since the insurance changed in January, they've been charging me over $100 a month to rent the CPAP. So now I have a bill for almost $700 that I can't remotely pay. AND since I won't be able to pay any further bills, I have to give the fucking thing back.

And to be perfectly honest, it's making me cry like a little kid.
Pretty sure my mom was in the room the last time I felt this helpless...

I think Daniel Tosh is pretty funny. I'm also a fan of Family Guy, South Park, and a few other humorous programs that are largely aimed at boys in their 20's. I further think that Trey and Matt, Seth McFarland, Dave Chapelle and Daniel Tosh are much smarter than they appear and some are masters at their particular craft. (Okay, Tosh is no John Oliver, but he's getting there.) This week, rape-victims and non rape-victims alike have raised their collective voices in declaring blood feud against Daniel Tosh after an incident during a recent stand-up gig.

Let's start with the amusing headline Daniel Tosh wishes rape on heckler, shall we? A stand up comedian is doing some stand up comedy. The comedian is Daniel Tosh, and some of the comedy is about rape. Carlin did rape jokes, as did Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Wanda Sykes, and plenty of other people whose names escape me at the moment. And some woman in the audience thought she ought to tell Tosh that "rape jokes are never funny." Apparently, she thought was the US Secretary of Comedy or some shit...

Forbidden Humor is a conversation I've had with plenty of passionate, well-meaning people of both genders. In brief, I think:
--No topic should ever be completely off limits for comedy.
--Comedy is FAR too valuable as a coping tool for anyone to create an arbitrary standard for which subjects no one may be allowed to take lightly.
--There's a difference between "this isn't funny to me" and "joking about this is morally wrong."
--Saying no subject should be off limits is NOT the same as defending any particular joke regardless of taste, hate-quotient, cruel intent, or ignorance.

As to this particular incident, I can understand why people are upset. But I reject the characterization that Tosh "wished rape" on a woman because he heckled her back. If you find tasteless jokes upsetting, going to see Tosh seems like a dumb thing to do. If you didn't know how offended you'd be, the polite thing to do is to leave quietly if it becomes too much for you. If you're SO offended that you feel you have NO OPTION other than to interrupt someone's rehearsed performance, by all means feel free to do so.
But bear in mind though that you've voluntarily climbed into the hot seat, surrounded by people who have paid good money to cheer the other guy. He has to keep control of the room or he's sunk. What kind of a reaction was she expecting? Would it have been less rude of him to tell her to go the fuck home?

So no, Tosh heckling back during a set of rape jokes does not really equal him "wishing" that some rude woman in a club gets gang raped...at least not to anyone who's ever met a human being before. We all say stupid shit when we're flustered, tired, angry, nervous, whatever. Granted, Tosh has a long history of tasteless jokes and plenty of things that anger feminists. And like my experiences with American Psycho, I can't fucking stand it when my liberal feminists pals feel like they get to judge me or label me as "part of the problem," or the omnipresent threat of unfriending all who disagree. Yeah, that's why America has free speech, so we can refuse to talk to each other like a bunch of fucking playground babies if we disagree and are also angry...that'll solve everything.

From my own experience, I've been heckled while speaking to a crowd. I heckled back, and know that someone laughed somewhere in there. After the speech, I needed to ask other people what I'd actually said because I had no fucking idea. I was so nervous I wanted to puke. I could have called my heckler a lesbian Hitler in blackface and I wouldn't have fucking remembered.

Let's look for a mo' at what this heckler had to say for herself: I did it because, even though being “disruptive” is against my nature, I felt that sitting there and saying nothing, or leaving quietly, would have been against my values as a person and as a woman. I don’t sit there while someone tells me how I should feel about something as profound and damaging as rape.

Ah, so essentially, she didn't want to be disruptive, she had to. Being polite was against her values...her values that said she needed to let a comedian know in the middle of his act that she didn't find him funny. And when the guy trying to perform had the nerve to disagree, her values dictated that she continued to argue with him. You know, for all rape victims everywhere...or something.

Honestly, I'm not trying to mock her. I'm trying to point out how stupid it is to make some sort of ridiculous faux stand in a rude way and then attack the performer because his off the cuff reaction was no less to your liking than his prepared remarks. No one is forcing you to hear comedy that you don't like. And comedy that you don't like isn't hurting you. And making a joke about rape isn't the same as laughing AT someone who's been raped.

Was Tosh's joke tasteless? Sure, probably. Does him making that joke necessarily mean that he delights in violent sexual assault and daydreams about his hecklers being sodomized? No.
Does this woman need to be "less sensitive?" Also No. But if she doesn't like a show, she should not see it, or protest through the usual channels, or tell Tosh after the show, or be ready for a shitstorm when she starts one.
Honestly, some of the stuff on Tosh's show grosses me out and I have to turn away lest I start gagging. See how that works, I can stop watching something instead of insisting that everything my eyes can see has to tailor itself to my specific tastes. Ahhhhhhhh...merica!

EDIT: (Saturday morning, 3:34am) I didn't think this needed explaining, but apparently it does. The Daniel Tosh you see on TV and in stand-up is a character. You know, like the way Stephen Colbert plays a character. Yes, it's a radically different character. But it's baffling to me how many people honestly think that Tosh was literally saying that he'd enjoy and find humor in a woman being violently gang raped in front of him. And more baffling considering how many of the people going batshit about it are every bit as sarcastic as Tosh. Oh, sarcasm isn't supposed to be taken literally? You don't say? I presumed that if the subject matter was uncomfortable, I was supposed to assume everything said is intended literally. Else how can I show my solidarity/support for rape victims?
I'm also growing weary of the overwhelming percentage of people who feel they must quantify their remarks by revealing whether or not they've been raped. That's just weird to me. I don't get it.

Apparently I also need to point out that I don't think rape is hilarious as a rule. I understand fully that it's a horrible thing, a serious issue, and something all men should be taught from childhood is a gross violation of the very concept of humanity. That's exactly why it can be vital to use humor to address, diffuse, and deconstruct so-called rape culture. While one could certainly argue that this was not Tosh's intention, look at the discourse that's happened due to this event. It ranges from mindless to profound, and rises to the level of a internet trollish car wreck, but people have discussed rape more in the last three days since the last time they tried to arrest Julian Assange.
And SOME people have to walk away from that with a greater understanding of the issues surrounding rape than they had going in.

You may have heard about the latest asshat preacher who worships his kind and loving god by telling his parishoners who he thinks should be rounded up and imprisoned until they "eventually die out." No, it's not the murderers, pedophile priests, crooked bankers who steal old people's retirement monies, it's no one at Bain capitol, or even Kony (Remember him? He was really evil a few months ago). No...these foul, loathsome beasts are none other than--you guessed it! The GayWads.

But it's not the GayWads that I want to talk about today.
Last night, Anderson *swoon* Cooper invited members of this douchebag's congregation to talk to him about why they support such a hateful pastor. A woman volunteered to be on AC360. I want to reiterate that--this woman VOLUNTEERED to speak to him. And here she is:


Now granted, plenty of people are openly mocking her viewpoints (and her size, but that's another matter entirely). But she seemed to think it was a good idea to defend a pastor who said that "all the gay people" should be "rounded up and put behind an electrified fence" and given food (unlike a few stories who said he wanted to starve them) "until they all die out."

Seriously, how does a person stand up and proudly proclaim this as a faith?
How does a person grab a microphone and state how an act of hatred and dicketry would improve our country and make us better people?
Why are people so goddamn proud of being ignorant, dishonest (this chick doesn't give a single straight answer the whole time--just trotting out buzz words and not actually saying anything) and just generally hateful?
Seriously, why the fuck can't people think through this and get over it already?
I really don't understand why anyone clings to ignorance.
And it's making me hate my countrymen.



In better news, I have a whole week off once I leave work tonight--which will be in less than 1 hour. I'm gonna pound out that short story about Spiders that I'm writing with my Protege. I'm not a very good collaborator on creative projects. I'm sort of a control freak. But a 9-year-old kid is just Milhousesque enough that he lets me do my thing and makes a ton of cool suggestions for me to incorporate.
I'm also going to put my packet together for The Finster Effect. I'm toying with the idea of giving it away for free for a day or two, then submitting it to publishers. Am I allowed to do that? I don't even know. I don't see why not... But yeah, I'm putting that shit together, because it's stupid not to.

Funnily, I was testing my Simpsons Trivia skill on the internets lately. I'm not as good as I used to be. In fact, my encyclopediac knowledge of Simpsons starts to fizzle around the end of 2004. Turns out, that's the same exact time that I started trying to be a professional writer. Seems that the first thing to go was the hours and hours I spend rewatching cartoons.
Compared to most of you losers though, my Simpsons Trivia skills are still totally badass.

Sorry kids, but I have to post at length about the dad who puts 5 hollow point bullets into his kid's laptop after she had the nerve to complain about her parents on the internet. Oh, the humanity, that a 15-year-old girl should rant about chores and not getting an allowance.

I hear a lot of people applauding this asshole. I really don't get it. I know that some people LOVE to blame the victim--but how are any of you okay with a parent using a .45 to get their point across? If it was her boyfriend shooting up her shit--nobody would tell her she deserves it. Well, maybe Newt or Santorum, but nobody sane. I'm hearing a lot of blather about how kids today have no respect and how they'd do the same thing if it was "there kid." [sic] Are we really asserting that kids learn to be more respectful after watching a parent shoot up their shit?

I'd like to take a moment to explain a few things to a few people who think this kind of behavior is acceptable in a parent. I'm presuming that if you think this shit is kosher, that you were never abused by your parents. Or perhaps you were abused but are still deluding yourself into thinking that your PTSD and inability to connect emotionally with another person is "just one of those things" and that all those beatings you took along with the constant shaming and belittling was "no big deal" or "something all parents do." Note: many parents actually give a shit whether or not their kid has any self esteem, and actually put their child's comfort before their own--even when they're upset.

A parent who flies into a rage over nothing is TERRIFYING. It's like living with a fucking time bomb in your house. In my experience, sometimes that time bomb ticks loudly when it wants you to do something...letting you know that it has the power to completely disassemble you in seconds, and that nobody will be able to do anything about it. Sometimes that time bomb sits there dormant, daring you to live your life as if it isn't there. And other times, it pouts to you that it doesn't understand why your afraid of it...just before it blows up everything in its wake.
Yes, obviously I have issues with this sort of thing. As a kid who grew up in a constant state of fear, I'm a little edgy about people cheering while a dad is terrorizing his kid. I'm not suggesting that there be no follow up after a sweary rant is found on the internet. But if you watch the dad in the vid, it's not difficult to see where she learned how to write swear filled rants.

Here's the thing. There's a difference between punishment and revenge. I know a lot of Americans don't understand this, and that's why they support the death penalty. You kill them, we kill you may work for some adults--not me, but some. But the Do as I say, not as I do school of parenting was laughed out of town decades ago. This girl is obviously modeling the behavior she sees at home. Let's hope that when she grows up, she stops short of plugging a few rounds into whatever (Dad) thing is making her angry. But if she doesn't...apparently the internets largely think a .45 is a great way to solve family problems. And hell, maybe in Redneckistan, it is. But I would hope civilized people would know better--or at least that you don't show respect for something by putting a few bullets into it. Punishment is supposed to illustrate why the behavior is wrong, and provide incentive not to repeat the behavior. This dad copied the behavior and then expanded it, and then destroyed an expensive piece of equipment for no real reason. I suppose she'll be grounded for not doing the homework that was on the computer next...
The only lesson to be learned here is "My Dad is an asshole."

It's no secret that people who use violence to get their point across do so because they're control freaks who are shitty with words. That might explain why people on FB support this "father".
"How can u say he shul loose his daugter for that. peepel can punsish there kids how they want" [sic times infinity]. If this asshat was actually trying to teach a lesson, he might have say, given the laptop to charity, a school, a needy family, sold it, etc. But no...he destroyed it with his great big gun, then explained that his daughter was then going to pay for all the repairs he made to it. This, of course, smacks of the Why do you make me do it school of domestic violence. Right up there with the old maybe there'd be less rapes if so many women didn't dress like sluts. Victims are not responsible for the shit their attackers do. Nor are children responsible for the actions of their parents. Kids are supposed to do stupid shit. Parents are supposed to act like goddamn adults.
The mini rant about how his daughter's friends will learn that complaining on the internet is not okay? Please. That would be hilariously misinformed, except that it's punctuated by gun violence so it's no longer funny.

If the girl is fifteen, she only has to tolerate that asshattery for a little while longer. Most abusive parents don't seem to realize that there will come a day when the kid is grown up, and no longer has to accept abuse. Those of you who know me know that I've not spoken to my own mother since 1995. Last I heard, she was telling people it was because of money or something--and not because eventually, the dog you keep kicking will refuse to come back for more kicking.

That aside, isn't that rather an appalling example of irresponsible gun ownership? I thought the whole point of gun safety was to teach that guns are not toys. Sounds like SOMEbody needs to learn that lesson. Tell me...is it possible to shoot a gun with another gun?

When I was a kid, my mom never felt well. She was constantly complaining about her head, her stomach, feeling tired, sick, etc. And even as a kid I was like "You live on Mountain Dew, potato chips and Sudafed, of course you feel like ass." Since her mom died young, she would talk a lot about how she didn't want to also die young. Fun fact: she hasn't.

However...
I don't do those things. I eat a variety of fruits and veggies, though I'm also heavy on the meat and carbs. I exercise, I get enough sleep (especially now, thank you CPAP!) and avoid caffeine, booze, cigs, and hard drugs. I drink plenty of water. Still...I feel like crap more often than not. Headaches, soreness/stiffness, stomach and digestive crap. It seems like I never stop complaining about how I feel. I'm sick of it. And I'm really terrible at suffering in silence. I'm pretty loud about it.

This is why I've been slowly working with docs recently to try and get things looked at and figured out. Maybe I expect too much. Having a CPAP isn't going to make me never feel tired again. My blood pressure being in a healthy range (finally) is not the same as me actually being fit enough for strenuous activity. Finally being on bi-polar meds isn't going to mean I'm never sad, depressed, or manic again. And avoiding some of my moms more heinous qualities is not really doing that much to prevent me from turning into her.

I sometimes wonder if the real reason I never got around to having kids was my paralyzing fear of being like her. I mean, everything else I ever wanted to do, I eventually did or am working on now. I don't know if I'm tired and sick, or just sick and tired. I hate my day-job so much, it makes me angry every time I wake up and realize I have to come here. I hate the fact that I have to have a job like this, AND how much they just don't give a crap about people who do what I do. Hate. But I also don't want to write for companies that are evil--and evil companies seem to be always hiring. *sigh*

Stress, I has it.
Woke up yesterday with tremendous back pain and had to go to the grocery store. Girl-H is still staying with us for another week. I'm feeling a little too stressed and crazy for a house guest. And unlike H, Girl-H suspects that my every bad mood is because of her, so I have guilt on top of everything else. Long shift today, then home to cook for the H's, then back to work for, as I said on FB, a stupid fucking night meeting that couldn't possibly wait until after the holiday for some reason.

Our dishwasher is broken, which is especially irritating because we have extra dishes because of guests and Xmas cooking, and all the bottles and extracts and such. Everybody who is getting cookies or cakes is getting them late. My mom would be rolling in her grave--except she isn't dead.

My fabulous extracts turned out fabulous. I knew it!
Actually, I didn't. I was ascared. But I did 8 bottles each (six smallish and 4 large) of vanilla blend (Madagascar, tahitian, and mexico beans in good rum) and organic lavender in creme vodka. It has come to my attention that sending old people giant boxes of sweets may not be entirely welcome. And it saves me a LOT of time and some money not doing that--though it was about $100 to get all the extract stuff. My kitchen smells awesome. My bro is getting a box of cookies after the "new year," and H's grandparents are getting cran-cherry bread the week after Xmas. I was gonna do butter cookies with good vanilla beans but I don't think I'll have time since I'm working until 7pm tomorrow, then home to make a giant veggie stir fry for the H's.

Kim Jong Il dead. "War" in Iraq "over".
I'm sure this will make the world right again, much how eating a Lean Cuisine meal suddenly makes the pounds fly off. We'll be in our skinny jeans by summer--YEAH! ;-[

On Thursday night, I finished the last of the big edits for The Finster Effect. Turns out, it's less about zombies than about the fact that I don't care for organized religion. I didn't realize how pissed I was until I got to the end. I'm reading it over tonight one more time, and then giving it to the new publisher tomorrow. I'm stoked!

I'm kinda mad today because I had a weird conversation last night with an old friend. ( I'll cut it, because it got long )

I guess I'm not used to having the kind of life people are jealous of--especially given that if anything happened to H, I'd be living in a shipping container by year's end. hahahahaha...yeah, like I could really afford my own shipping container.

Anywhoo, my Kindle Touch is still not here. Expected delivery date: 2 days ago. Still waiting. Chatted Amazon up last night and got them to give me a $15 shipping refund--which I actually had to haggle for. They're like "Well, I see that part of your order arrived on time" and I'm like "Yeah, the charger and the case for the Kindle--which isn't here!"
Refund accomplished. Yay! I spent part of that green on Shufflers by James L Grant. Then I realized I already had a pdf of it. Enjoy my money, you tricky bastard!

Honore, H's lovely sister, is coming to town one week from today, and staying for over 2 weeks. I don't typically tolerate guests for so long, especially because our place in tiny. But Girl-H is so awesome. She's an excellent guest, not annoying at all. Doesn't expect me to entertain her even. And she loves JoJo. Then again, how could anyone NOT love JoJo?

Jokes:

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. the Holocaust

Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A. None.

I'm taking a short break from working on the book to comment about the weekend's goings on with OWS and specifically, the events at UC Davis. If you haven't heard, the chancellor of the college called in the police to disburse a peaceful student protest. A row of kids was lined up, seated, across the road. They were told to move. They didn't. So...a cop decided to douse them in pepper spray. There are a bazillion videos of it, and every one of them makes you want to punch this guy in the junk.

I'm not posting any because they really are hard to watch. The crowd is screaming, crying, chanting "Shame on you!" over and over again to the cops--who finally left after the brutal crowd shaming.

This makes me feel like an idiot, seriously. I've been arrested and was not treated badly at any point. I've been approached by cops at Planned Parenthood in Detroit when shit was getting just a bit out of hand. Nothing bad happened, the cops genuinely seemed to be there to help keep the peace.
Then I realized...
I'm white, I'm a woman, I'm not gay, and when I smoke pot, I don't do it in the middle of the diag (anymore *snerk*). So I'm not really on the average cops Hate List (unless they are a racist cop and I'm out with H). I maintain that the average cop is probably not overtly racist.

So yeah, I'm being confronted with what most other people seem to already know. A lot of cops are brutal assholes who use their authority to do violence on people they don't like. And even if another cop doesn't go along with it, they are not going to intervene.
You know how there's that pedophile coach at Penn State, and everyone is saying how disgusting it is that someone saw an assault and didn't stop it? That's what all of the cops NOT doing violence are guilty of--watching an assault and doing fuck-all to stop it. As such, I am losing my faith in the whole institution of public police--because obviously these apes are not working for the American public. They are not protecting them, they do not serve them.

Obama has denounced police violence against protestors all over the world. He has not done so here, not publicly at least. WTF? I will presume that it's forthcoming.
Do not disappoint me, Barack. I always stick up for you.

And these kids...they are blowing my mind with the restraint they are mustering up in these awful circumstances. You know some of these cops are trying hard to get the crowd to fight back so they have an excuse to beat up on civilians. I'm so deeply touched and impressed that these kids are not responding to violence with more violence. It's a sign that as a people, we're improving.

At the day job. It's slow, and stupid, and that chick who irritates me is both here, and irritating me. I really want to leave, but I don't think they'll have enough coverage without me. I did manage to pawn off my training on someone else. So that's good at least, part of the job of having awesome coworkers.

So I got the CPAP setup. I must say, they gave me the most high tech stuff available to the average person. Nice, quiet machine, humidifier, adjustable ramp setting. The mask is reasonably comfortable, for what it is. In practice, it's incredibly uncomfortable to sleep with a mask on my face. I can't sleep on my stomach, and can't really sleep on my side--though that may change when my fancy-pants CPAP pillow gets here. Not the kind that attaches to a hose, but a regular one with hunks cut out so the mask doesn't smash into my face. Anyway, I've used the CPAP for two nights in a row and I'm still fucking tired. I'm also queasy and was nauseous and pukey this morning. Awesome. Plus, my yogurt went bad and my fruit cup tasted like raspberries.
I hate raspberries, plus they make me break out.

Book signing tomorrow. Hope I'm not feeling this crappy, tired, cranky, etc.
Still not sure what I'm going to wear. Not really caring too much. Campus is such a strange and different place now than when I was there. But even saying that makes me feel old as hell.

Politics are giving me a rash. I seriously want to punch anyone who thinks Herman fucking Cain is a good choice. Romney is a wiley trickster who changes direction like wind off a lake. Not sure where all the Kerryesque OMG he said one thing in the 80's and another thing NOW--Arrrrggh he's a FLIP FLOPPER omg NOES!1!!1! And I'm not just talking about health care versus poor people dying from tooth decay or the flu; I'm talking about pro-choice versus anti-choice; and govt mandated religious crap versus separation of church and state. And of course, Perry is a Bush Jr Jr. Bachman is batshit insane, and was even before her new statement about wrist slicing in solidarity against health care reform. Because taxes are slavery until her husband's "pray the gay away" clinic needs funding.

Walking Dead is back on Sunday.
Should be interesting to see how badly they fucked it up.
Getting rid of Darabont as showrunner could very well be a fatal error.