Whaddaya MEAN You've Never Heard of Me?!?

It's been a few days, so I think I'm finally ready to say something about the death of my favorite living actor, Bill Paxton. I'd always been a fan of his from stuff like Weird Science and Aliens which we saw over and over again when it came out--I was a junior in high school. Plus I remembered him from The Lords of Discipline. I thought he was so versatile and funny and amazing. He was credited as "Wild" Bill Paxton, which I thought was super awesome.


I didn't realize he was the guy from the Fish Heads video until much later. But I had always loved that vid. He directed it too, which seems insane until you remember that he started his Hollywood career in the art department on Roger Corman movies. I know, right?


I won't do a whole thing about his career, because most of you know all about it. You know about the amazing sci-fi horror trifecta. You know at least a dozen of his movies and at least that many of his famous lines. Maybe you didn't know that he played a Nazi in a Pat Benetar video (that also features Judge Reinhold as a good guy).

Shadows Of The Night - Pat Benatar by KamdenMason

I have to mention Frailty though, because finding out Bill could make a horror movie that blew my mind--I'm sure you can imagine how that made me feel. It was like his artistic spirit came into my TV (I couldn't afford to see it in the theatre) and hugged me. My favorite thing in any horror movie is when I honestly don't see it coming...


...(and it makes sense), and with Frailty, I didn't. So bold, brave, intense for a first time feature director. Paxton said that he always wanted to direct a classic. As a horror fan, I have to say that he did.


When I woke up Sunday morning and checked my communique, I got seven texts and two Emails letting me know that Bill Paxton had died. Still, I spent a few seconds frantically wondering who could have organized such an unfunny prank on me. He has a new show--it JUST STARTED. He looked totally healthy in it. Bill Paxton smoked cigs for a long time, and he probably drank some. But he wasn't some kind of self-abuser. I couldn't believe it. I burst into tears so hard that I scared H, who thought a friend or a family member must have died. I couldn't even speak. I just handed him my iPod touch and he looked at it, then at me, and said "Oh no...honey, I'm sorry."


People called him an "everyman," which I suppose is true to a point. No matter what kind of character he played, you kind of felt like you could see a little of yourself in him. He helped us identify with his characters, even if they were totally shitty. I mean, what kind of idiot takes on a Predator with a handgun, I ask you? Paxton wasn't just a horror guy, but he obviously was a fan. He wasn't just a smartass, or a jokester, or a family movie guy--he was all of that and more. He was tons of things most of us will never know about. And everybody loved him. Everybody who knew him.

Bill Paxton took shit seriously--the art, the work in general, his family, his fans. He was a good sport and an awesome person. Generous with fellow actors and good to his crew. Nobody spoke ill of him. Even when he found out his ancestors owned slaves, he handled it with grace and without bullshit. I adored him. I really did. Like, it's probably a good thing I didn't rescue him if he crashed his plymouth in a snowstorm. Because I was his Number One Fan. I also should have been one of his wives on Big Love, because seriously.

Because I have a rich inner fantasy life, I always imagined that someday I'd meet Bill Paxton. I'd tell him how much I liked Frailty, and he would be impressed with my passion for, and knowledge of film. I imagine most of us want to think our heroes would like us, and this was especially true in this case. Plus, he was so damn handsome.

Goodbye, Sir. I'm sorry I'll never meet you.
I thank you for a lifetime of work that will stay with us forever.

So, we had Xmas. It was also H's birthday on the 20th. This means that at the Webster-Friday abode, there was much materialism, indulgence, and slothery. Why slothery? Because I made a commitment to watch #Arrow in its entirety, and I'm now about half-way through season three. Lots of shenanigans to be called on that show--but it's still a fun watch. Apparently it takes a mere 5 years and a death in your family to become a world-class assassin. Unless you're a girl, or a poor kid, then it takes even less time than that. Some things never change though, by which I mean John Barrowman is hot as fuck, and Ra's Al Ghul can kiss my ass (not literally of course).

Anyway...
For H's birthday, I got him a super cool book about the Whovian universe.
Plus a T-shirt with the Planet Express logo on it.
Plus some high end super spicy corn chips from Paqui. I wanted to get him the One Chip Challenge, but they were out of them for the season.
I made H's favorite cake, which is Frangipan (a buttery white cake made with marzipan). He loves it, but it's expensive and massively unhealthy so he only gets it once a year.

For Christmas, we made our usual holiday lip balms.
Coconut lime, because that's everyone's fave--including mine.
Cherry cordial (which is chocolate, cherry, hazelnut, and almond flavors)
Cinnamon Bun (cinnamon and vanilla). This was a new flavor and I didn't love it. But always nice to have something different. Think I might bring back the chocolate orange next year. That was good stuff.

H and I didn't give many gifts outside the family. We got H's sister a set of knee braces that she wanted, because she's been working super hard to be healthy. She has more discipline than anyone I know, seriously. My brother is getting a batch of Aztec brownies, because he loves them.

H's stocking was filled with a 2-pack of Reece's cups that weighs a pound. Yes, that means he got TWO half-pound Reece cups, which is the very definition of holiday indulgence. He also got a small jar of Jif cookies and creme with hazelnut spread. It's like a swirl of cookies n creme filling with nutella. He loves it, but it's not to my taste. He got an assortment of hot sauces and a huge vinyl decal that is the Crack in the Wall from Doctor Who, plus some jalapeno cashews.

Gift wise, he got a Blu-Ray of #Interstellar, which he loves and I have not seen. Plus a TARDIS pillow since he loves to lie on the couch with pillows. And finally, I got him an Attack on Titan hoodie, that even comes with a cape. He loves it. So that was great. I was pretty stoked to be able to afford it, since when I first saw it it was $75.

H got me a fancy assortment of foodie food. This included 2 types of Zingerman's bacon (1/4 pound each), some nice bread, fresh mozzarella, a tiny box of palmier cookies, and a fancy lemonade. H's mom got me the study bible I've been wanting, and H's sister got me a White Walker fig from Pop Funko. Speaking of Funkos, H got me a Weeping Angel, which is awesome.

H got me the Master's pocket watch from Doctor Who--which is pretty cool and which I have also wanted for a long time. Plus a DVD of Pink Floyd The Wall, which I hope to hang onto by not letting anyone borrow it.

We got a sweet box of cookies from Bre and the kids, and some assorted sweets and cards from family. The Overstreets gave us the Pop-Up Game of Thrones map, which is badass, the 3rd Walking Dead Compendium, and the Hannibal Lector cookbook. The Lector cookbook is pretty amazing, as it's written by the food stylist for the Hannibal show and has tons of cool pics and trivia. Not sure I'll be making those recipes since they require crazy ingredients like calves head, lungs, or of course, Gillian Anderson's left leg. Bahahahahhaa. So yeah, we got gifted up good.

Finally saw the new Ghostbusters after hearing whinging man-children go on and on about how it's "unnecessary" and how they're only making it with women to be "PC." Because as I've explained before--letting ladies star in a movie is a special gift from the men who run the world. Now that we got our lady-movie, we should all sit down, shut up, know our places, and stop making such an emotional fuss.

This post will have major spoilers, so scroll past now if you don't want to know.

Okay then...

Things I loved about this movie:

Erin is shown at the beginning with a shitty boyfriend. American viewers are trained to know that this is laying the foundation for a romantic subplot. Won't it be awesome when she finds a man who is worthy of her? She deserves it.
Except...she doesn't. Erin flirts with Kevin (more on him later), but doesn't wind up with a new man at the end. This is not thrown in our faces, it's just what happens. Love it. Love that we can have a happy ending (giggity?) without finding love as a prerequisite.

Kevin. First, I don't condone that he was sexually harassed in the film, on a human level. It is not right for Erin to have said and done some of the things she did. But that's the point. In movie-trope terms, Kevin is the Miss Moneypenny, the Miss Tessmacher, Phoebe Cates in a red bikini, the...every hot woman thrown into a movie for no other reason than the movie needed a hot chick. Kevin is also super stupid--just like most ladies in man-movies. And they had to rescue him.
I especially love that at one point, I was thinking "Okay, I like what they're doing with Kevin, bit I wish they'd had him do more. It's kind of a waste of a Hemsworth." And then he got possessed by the bad guy. And then he danced. Oh my Zod...he danced.
Turns out, objectifying people is fun. I see why men enjoy it. And it should be noted that Kevin never expressed displeasure for anything that went on. That doesn't excuse Erin's conduct, but it makes it less squicky.

Abby was super physical and awesome. She reminds me of Chris Farley without the cocaine and early death. Oops. I just made myself sad...

The women were genuinely friends. They didn't try to one-up each other, didn't talk about ways to improve each other's appearance, or PR skills, or anything really. They just supported one another and got shit done. Much care was taken to NOT see these women as messing around with ghost stuff until they all landed husbands.

Jillian. Holy shit, Kate McKinnon was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Okay, that may be an exaggeration--but only a slight one. Jillian is gay, right? I mean, they don't say it. But it seems like they hinted at it enough times that they wanted us to be able to pick up on it without making it (or anyone's sexuality) the focus of the plot. Not sure I've ever been so instantly taken with and charmed by a new character in anything.
I'm not exactly sure why I got choked up during Jillian's big fighting scene. Not sure if I just loved her character that much, or if I was truly overwhelmed by the amount of raw girl power. At least for a minute, I was picturing little girls in Jillian costumes for Halloween instead of being goddamn Frozen princesses or lady-Batmans in a frilly pink dress.

Humor. There was soooo much great humor. I especially liked the gag with Ed Begley Junoir--when they say they talked to him and the tour guide is all "He died 15 years ago...whoooOOOOOooooo." But then it was his son. Ha!

Patty was also great. I like that she didn't veer into "sassy black chick stereotype." At the same time, she was truthfully portrayed--at least to my middle-aged white lady mind. Plus her necklace helped me remember the character's name. Plus, Leslie Jones is so not the type that often gets to be a lead in something. I hope to see her in lots more roles like this. She's way too entertaining to be relegated to the funny friend or quirky office mate.

Cameos. Wow! They were really well done in how they were timed. Seeing Bill Murray was no surprise--though just when I worried that we didn't see enough of him--he came back. Toward the end, I was all "I don't see why Dan Ackroyd couldn't have shown up..." and then he did. I knew there was no Moranis cameo going in, but that still sucked. Ernie Hudson, duh. That was great. And as the credits rolled, I was like, "Well, it would have been cool to see Sigourney Weaver, but I can understand why she might be too busy to--OMG THERE SHE IS!!!" So awesome.

EDIT: I almost forgot to mention the Harold Ramis bust. That was great.

I honestly don't see what there is to dislike about the movie. If you really saw it and hated it, I have to think you were looking for reasons to. I'm told that there were some plot holes that the extended version (the one I saw) fixed. I can't speak to that. But the tone, premise, cast, villain, themes, all of it. So good. If I had a daughter, I'd buy her a copy of it immediately--so she could put it on her movie shelf next to A League of Their Own.

If you honestly couldn't find things to like about it, I'd love to hear why. Not why you think it didn't need to be made, or why you hate that they cast mostly women. I mean a reason why you didn't like the film itself.
Because the movie I saw was fun, touching, hilarious, and another affirmation that women can carry a film that has wide appeal. I really wish I'd seen it before I made my list of Family Friendly Halloween movies. It would have been in the top three.

It's time once again for me to address some of the utter crap that's been going around the Internets of late, mostly to get it off my ample chest. Because people are lazy and mean and dumb, and I like to think I'm smarter, more active, and kinder than most (based on no factual evidence, just me and my intellectual vanity wishing). For the purposes of this post, I shall refer to the Internet as if they are a cohesive collective--while knowing that, of course, they aren't.

--Remakes/Reboots.
Internet: "Why do they have to remake everything?"
Wednes: "For money. Movies are a business. Businesses work to make money. Duh."

Internet: "Can't Hollywood think of anything new and original???"
Wednes: Can't YOU? You say this same shit every goddamn time a remake comes out. Besides, originality is not the same as good. How many times have we seen a cool new concept squandered by mediocre filmmaking or a godawful screenplay? #Pixels You might as well say "Why do they have to base so many movies on books? Can't they write their own?"

--Pokemon Go!
Internet: "People shouldn't be playing this game in [place where serious historical things have happened]. It's disrepectful."
Wednes: No, they probably shouldn't be. So why are there catchable animals hiding at these places?

Internet: "This is stupid. Why are adults doing this when [tragic world event that commenter has done nothing about] is going on?!?"
Wednes: If you think adults playing a fun game is stupid, how exactly would you categorize going online to complain about it? Also, complaining about others doing something other than charity work is just empty preening bullshit unless you posted it while simultaneously doing charity work.

--Ghostbusters
Internet: "MY RUINED CHILDHOOD?!?!11/1!?!?!"
Wednes: If this is the thing that ruined your childhood, I don't know how to adequately express how charmed your life must have been or how fucking batshit stupid you are now. Remakes do NOT ruin the original thing; and they certainly don't ruin the first time you watched it. If you're honestly letting this "ruin" anything for you, you're a mewling child looking for reasons to feel wronged. Here, I'll help: Happy Holidays!

Internet: "They're making it with women just to be PC."
Wednes: So now it's "PC" to acknowledge that women do things? The only reason to depict women as anything other than a love interest, sex object, or funny fat friend is because of "political correctness?" We must be up to 5% female lead characters at this point in movie history--and it's astounding how many dudebros feel legit threatened by that. Yes, you all go right on telling yourselves that female characters (along with racial minorities, gay/bi/trans folk, those with disabilities, etc) are only in movies to appease whiners. Congratulations. You just demonstrated that many types bias are alive and well, while announcing that you'd prefer that we not do anything about that.

--#AllLivesMatter
[specific demographic of the] Internet: "I happen to think ALL lives matter, because I'm not racist."
Wednes: That's bullshit, and I think you know that it's bullshit. Anyone who says this is willfully missing the point. This can only be because they honestly believe that there's no problem with police and racial profiling, police and the murder of minorities, or minorities and the criminal justice system at large. They have to feel it's appropriate that for-profit prisons to create a demand for prisoners that is then met by railroading poor people (mostly, though surely not all) minorities and at-risk populations. People who are offered 18 months instead of 10 years for crimes they didn't commit--and who take pleas so they don't risk missing their kids growing up. People who get a total of 7 minutes to discuss their case with their PD. Anyone who believes in #AllLivesMatter seem to miss the point that responding to cries of "Stop Murdering Us" with 'Come on, you guys have to be exaggerating. Cops have never done that to me or any of the middle-class white people I know.' IS goddamn fucking racist. Even if you think all the cops in all those videos are justified. Even if you think every last victim deserved to be murdered because they moved their hand, refused to put out their cigarette, or "didn't comply" quickly and humbly enough. It's still racist to respond to "Please Don't Shoot" with "This isn't a big deal, and I'm sick of hearing about it." Beyond racism, it just makes you an asshole.
Stop being an asshole.

[specific demographic of the] Internet: Cop Haters shouldn't call a cop if they need one, because doing so makes them hypocrites.
Wednes: There's a world of difference between "hating cops" and hating that murderers get to wear cop uniforms and get paid by taxpayers even after they murder someone. It's not hating cops to be disgusted that there are otherwise good cops who cover for and defend those that aren't. Everybody knows that there are good cops and bad cops, just like every job has good or bad employees. It's just that cops are given guns and permission to use their discretion to kill if they need to. That means they deserve more scrutiny than those of us who aren't. You're not being kind to the good ones by pretending the bad ones don't exist--nor are you hating on good cops by acknowledging that they do.

There. Now I feel better.

I was watching Hannibal (the show) recently and was quite taken with the brooding sexiness of Will Graham. That Hugh Dancy is an attractive guy. But when he's clean shaven and smiling, eh? Not as good IMO.

This got me thinking about the popular archetype of the attractive broken guy all the ladies want to fix (or gay men, whatevs). There are plenty of guys like this on TV: Jon Snow, Sawyer from LOST, every other TV cop (Stabler, Mike Logan, Tim Bayliss, etc). I was trying to figure out how far back that goes and who started it.

I'm not super old--but as far as I can tell it goes back to James Dean. The sad kid who nobody understood, was sexy and needed a nice lady to hold him and stay with him and tell him that he's good. What is it about us that attracts us to such men? Is it that we're also damaged and want to be around someone as damaged as us--if not moreso? I mean, hanging out with a broken guy allows us to put our energy into "fixing" him (which we probably call "helping him") instead of looking inward and dealing with our own shit.

Uh oh, I just became aware of a RL parallel in my early years of dating. Almost exclusively, I dated broken men all through my teens and 20's. Life-wise, I can't be the responsible sane one in any relationship. Objectively, I am neither of those things.

And yet...this brooding male archetype is wildly popular. So it can't be just me. How much further back does it go? Did people look at Caligula and say "Aw, he just needs to find the right girl?" I mean, even Hitler had a girlfriend--one who suicided herself right along with him. People love Severus Snape even though he's a complete prick--it can only be because he's so dark...and so sad.

As Rod Serling would say--there's not a lesson here. We're just taking a look into a broken thing in our world and wondering WTF.

EDIT: Sarah pointed out a glaring error in my thinking here. I'm embarrassed to have not thought of Edward Rochester. That's one of my fave roles for dudes, and can reveal intense acting chops a'la Orson Welles, Ciaran Hinds, Michael Fassbender et al. My bad.

Seems I was slow on the draw with this article that I actually wrote to post someplace newsy.  I'm posting it here despite the fact that it's not the typical style for this blog.  

             I'm not ashamed to admit that I was looking forward to "The Interview," the new comedy from perennial stoners Seth Rogan and James Franco.  But I'm gonna have to make new plans for Christmas Day, since it will no longer be showing in American theatres.  Thanks Obama!  Oh, I mean Thanks Sony!

            What led up to this?  Well, "The Interview" reportedly angered North Koreans since it…you know, openly mocks their leader.  Kim Jong Un, of course, was rumored to have fed his own Uncle to wild dogs, has outlawed anyone having his name, and is generally a crazy cuckoo-pants.  He also seriously needs to fire his stylist.  Right before thanksgiving, it was believed that angry fans of "Dear Leader" hacked into Sony's most secure servers.  The hackers called themselves Guardians of Peace or "GOP."  Embarrassing exposures ranged from the new James Bond script, to tons of private Emails and some bullcrap about Alex Trebek not wanting to reshoot Jeopardy around a kid's temper tantrum.  The massive hack left Sony angry and embarrassed.  The FBI is still investigating.

            Cut to December 17^th, and several major theatre chains refused to show the film after GOP released a warning that included the message: "Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made…the world will be full of fear…remember the 11^th of September 2001."  Sony has since decided to indefinitely postpone the release of "The Interview."  So I guess that means that the terrorists got exactly what they wanted.

            Theatre chains declining to show the film include Regal, AMC, Carmike, Cineplex, and Bowtie.  I imagine more would have joined this group if Sony had not decided to pull the film altogether.  The statements from the theatres and from Sony all lamented the decision, reiterated their commitment to artistic freedom, and then said that safety was the most important thing.  Odd, because usually when people talk about America, it's the freedom that takes center stage.  Would theatres or Sony Pictures be responsible for those hurt in a terrorist attack protesting "The Interview?"  Of course not.  The terrorists would be.  But Sony is responsible for giving in to those who would use fear to gain control over others. 

            In the immediate aftermath of the Sony hack, ponderings that it may have been North Korea were quickly shouted down by both Sony and the FBI.  In recent days, Gizmodo , CNN, and Kaspersky  have all asserted North Korean involvement according to their own sources.  Internet wags have wasted no time in pointing out other times American films have mocked world leaders.  Team America: World Police spoofed Kim Jong Il relentlessly, causing controversy—but nothing that delayed the film's release.  Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never been shy about ridiculing dictators from Osama Bin Laden, to Saddam Hussein, and even showing a cartoon of the prophet Mohammed back before people were routinely murdered for doing so.

            Cynics are wondering aloud whether this is all some giant publicity stunt.  I don't see how.  I also can't see how a decision that will surely lead to massive illegal pirating could possibly be helpful to Sony.  Does anybody honestly believe they'd allow the new James Bond script to be leaked to promote a Seth Rogan movie?  No offense to Mr Rogen, but I don't fucking think so. 

            Can a company truly support freedom of artistic expression if they're pulling films because people are upset by the content?  I don't see how.  Are we really a free society when humor is stifled at the behest of terrorists?  Freer than some, perhaps, but not as free as we claim to be.  I certainly hope Sony won't keep "The Interview" under wraps for much longer.  A Video-on-Demand release seems inevitable, yet no one has confirmed that anyone is even discussing it.

            To some, a stoner comedy like "The Interview" may not be vital or important enough to warrant this kind of attention.  But that's not the point.  It's also not about whether you like James Franco, think Seth Rogan has a dumb laugh, or believe that mocking people is mean.  If pioneering smut peddler Larry Flint has taught us anything, it's that every form of expression needs to be protected, even those we don't personally like—even under the threat of arrest, censure, or terrorist threat.  Otherwise, we're not protecting freedom.  We'd just be sticking up for things we already like. 

            

 

10 Fictional Characters YOU want on your offensive zombie team:

It's no secret that more people than ever are planning for the zombie apocalypse.  I know plenty of people who spend more time developing a zombie defense plan than planning for college, retirement, or what they'd do if they won a million dollars. You've probably thought about which of your favorite fictional characters from TV and films you'd want fighting off the undead with you.  I don't just mean fighting with Ash or Alice or the guys from Shaun of the Dead.  I mean how characters who have never even seen a zombie before would handle them—surely you've thought about it? 

What?  You haven't?  Well, that's just weird.  Luckily, I took the time to make a list just for you, in no particular order:

--Ellen Ripley: It is well established that Ellen Ripley knows how to stay calm and kick ass during a crisis.  Better still, Ripley actually follows the regulations designed to keep catastrophes from happening.  With minimal training and equipment, she fights her way through three fantastic Alien films…and then another one.  She exhibits proficiency with weapons, strategic defense skills, loader driving (believe me, it's more useful than you think), and a general ability to keep her wits about her.  Ripley is a must-have for zombie situations.  Best of all, she has a strong moral center that will keep her from murdering you, no matter how egregiously you screw her over. 

--General Maximus Decimus Meridius: (Gladiator, to his enemies) This guy is a fighter.  Close combat man, he's got it covered.  Sword work will prove invaluable during a zompocalypse, and nobody is better trained than an old-school pre-gunpowder sword swinging gladiator.  Equally valuable to the sword, a properly wielded shield can make all the difference.  As a soldier, Maximus is acclimated to going for long periods without food or water.  Anybody who can fast for days and still beat up a tiger is someone I want on my team—even if he is husband to a zombified wife and son.

 --Legolas:  If you're going to incorporate an archer into your team, and Green Arrow is otherwise engaged, you can't do much better than the Elf known as Legolas.  He is, as they say, peerless.  If it happens that you need to kill a specific zombie from very far away—Legolas can oblige.  So look out, zombie-Jay-Leno and undead-Rosie-O'Donnell, or the elf guy will um…arrow you.  As you can see in this pic, Legolas takes zombie fighting pretty seriously. 

--Yu Shu Lien:  Perhaps you don't remember her name, but when I mention Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, she is the first thing that comes to mind.  An amazing fighter, fiercely loyal, she will make a fine addition to any zombie fighting force. When you're forming your zombie attack team, consider that these may end up being the people who survive to repopulate the earth.  We can't have all of humanity descend into a seething pool of homliness.  For every funny-looking Legolas, you're going to need someone attractive to balance him out.  With that in mind, Yu Shu Lien is a big WIN.

--The Bride:  A roaring rampage of revenge is nothing to mess with, especially when it comes in the form of one of the deadliest women on earth.  While any of the Five Deadly Vipers would be handy in a battle with the undead, only The Bride can be trusted not to stab you in the back…or shoot you in the head.  Anyone who's seen her battle with the Crazy 88's knows that Beatrix Kiddo is more than ready to take on the horde. 

--Jason Bourne:  Hero of books and films alike, Jason Bourne is an unstoppable fighting machine.  Well-versed in multiple kinds of combat, skilled in breaking in and out of places, hotwiring and driving any number of conveyances, Bourne has it all.  So what if he doesn't always know who he is, who he was working for, or why so many people are trying to kill him?  What he lacks in cohesion, he more than makes up for in hunkiliciousness.

--Sayid Jarrah:  Speaking of attractive and deadly fellas, Sayid Jarrah is definitely welcome on my team.  While it seems that nearly every character on LOST was an awesome shot and knew how to knock someone out with one blow (without killing them—amazing!), Sayid had so much more.  The guns, the training, the electronics, mechanics, breaking that guy's neck with both hands tied behind his back—is there anything Sayid can't do?  **sigh**  He can't find happiness, but that doesn't make him any less valuable in a zombie infestation situation.

--Mace Windu: Despite succumbing to the most infuriating death in all of Star Wars, Mace Windu is a total badass—even compared to other Jedi Knights.  One of the last Jedi Council members to support the Galactic Republic, Mace Windu's fight scenes are as legendary as his mastery of The Force.  If there's a better weapon to fight hordes of undead than a light saber ™ this will be the first I've heard of it.  And if you have your choice of Jedi Knights, there's no reason not to choose the Master of the Order.

--Sarah Connor:  As everyone knows from the first Terminator movie, there were a couple of Sarah Connors.  I refer here to the one who lived long enough to bring John Connor into the future with the help of the Governor of California.   The one who became the fightingest single mom in American history.  Sarah Connor is highly trained, in top physical condition, and it completely unafraid to die.  She may not live forever, but you can bet she's gonna take down a crapload of zombies before she goes out.  She's in!

--Professor John Frink:  As a Simpsons fan, I wanted to bring at least one Springfieldian along for the zombie-infested ride.  But who?  Surely none of the actual Simpsons.  Only Lisa wouldn't be a seriously liability, and the zombie apocalypse is no place for an 8-year-old girl.  Snake is untrustworthy, Flanders won't want to shoot anything, Wiggum is a joke.  No…Springfield's only hope against undead invaders is Professor Frink.  Only he will be able to invent something fantastically clever enough to defeat them all in a single episode.  There's no telling what kind of undead shenanegans might necessitate a frog exaggerator, hamburger ear muffs, a sarcasm detector, or flubber—but with Frink on your side, your team will be ready.

Hon Mention: Galactus.  I'm not exactly sure how one gets Galactus on your side.  But if you can manage it, he would be, if nothing else, a solid Plan B in your zombie contingency plan.  

I've been doing Wednesday Reprints of my old Zombie Zone News articles since they can no longer be seen on the site. Taking a break from interviews this week to reshare my article detailing why I hate The Evil Dead--especially when everyone assumes I must love it.



I hate The Evil Dead: Explained, because you asked for it.

As a life-long zombie fan from the great state of Michigan, I am met with varying degrees of surprise when new friends learn that I loathe The Evil Dead movies—and indeed, all of Sam Raimi's horror. "Even Army of Darkness?!?" they say in feigned hipster shock. Yes, 'fraid so. People have been asking me to explain (read: justify) this for at least 20 years now. I wanted to explain it, but I honestly didn't know—until now. This might end up being more about me than the film itself, but hey, you asked. See, I don't just "dislike" Evil Dead. I loathe it. I've reached a point where I'm pissed that people praise it so highly, love it so much—especially when the most gung-ho people aren't even zombie fans. "The Evil Dead" is kind of a silly title if you think about it—akin to The Mean Murderer or Bad Men We Don't Like.

Until my preparation for this article, I hadn’t seen the original Evil Dead in over 15 years. I remembered it as tritely scripted, horribly acted, rife with ridiculously bad dialogue, and generally shitty overall. It was also advertised as a zombie movie, which it really isn't. On the off chance that I asserted this, I would typically be met by—let’s say vigorous disapproval. Eventually I became perplexed, suspicious that there must be something I was missing. The disagreement was SO strong that I doubted the veracity of my hatred—even Stephen King has admitted liking The Evil Dead.

"But…it's terrible," I'd say, referring to the aspects of the films which are…you know…terrible. And here's the thing—no one disagrees that Evil Dead has horrible acting, is poorly written, has amateurish special effects and makeups that are lit far too brightly, and is generally stupid. Everyone concedes these points. "But, you don't understand--they had so little and did so much," they bray. What I gather from that is that I'm supposed to love the movie because they took the time to make it, and it was hard. It's probably hard for Uwe Boll to make movies, but the fact that he did so isn't enough to make me go. I'm not falling for THAT again. Now that YouTube exists, we now know that movie making is not some elusive skill that only Kubrick, Fincher, and Hitchcock were ever good at. Simply making a film with a small budget is not a good enough reason to like it.

Side note: I once paid to see Drag me to Hell in the hopes that there would be ONE Sam Raimi horror movie that I could enjoy. No dice. I love Spiderman, but all of Raimi’s horror watches like he’s enjoying a private joke that I just don’t get. The talking goat was enough to make me want to walk out in a huff; and I spotted the **spoiler alert** button switch from a mile away. Sad, because like Evil Dead, Drag me to Hell has a promising beginning.
It's even been suggested that I don't like Evil Dead because I'm a girl. And apparently, Girls don't know anything about zombies. Pish tosh, I say. If you don't think chicks know zombies, I'd implore you to check out Z Magazine, and its proprietess Eloise Knapp. Hell, you can read my own zombie book, The Finster Effect, which is a damn sight more interesting than any horror Raimi has ever directed. AND it's set in the great state of Michigan.

The Evil Dead starts out fine. There is some great footage of a swampy, wooded area (that isn't in Michigan, for some reason) where scary shit is no doubt brewing. These swooping opening shots are fun and visually appealing—setting us up to think the movie will have a certain artistry that just doesn’t develop. By the time Ashley et al have a near-miss car collision, it’s clear to the viewer that not a single one of them can act. An abundance of 20/20 hindsight tells us that only one of these people went on to do any actual acting—if indeed, Old Spice commercials and Bubba Ho Tep can be counted as "acting." ;-)

Because this film is so well-known among fans, I'm not going to do a play by play of character or plot. If you're reading this article, chances are you don't need the information. That said, I do feel compelled to mention the following:
--How am I supposed to like a character who thinks it's funny to point a loaded gun at his buddy? Unless the setup is "they're a bunch of douchebags and you shouldn't care if they die," I don't see the point.
--Some of the props are really cool—the book and the skull in particular.
--A chick is raped by a tree. I'm gonna say that again in case you aren't getting that. A Chick. Is Raped. By a Tree. Evil Dead is considered to be an American classic, and a shining example of great filmmaking on a tiny budget. And in this zombie opus and source of American pride—a chick is raped by a tree. Women have come a long way in horror since then, but c'mon.
--Scott: Huge Asshat, or the Hugest Asshat? In fact, for being such close friends, all of these people are serious dicks to each other.
--Um, is that gerbil supposed to be a wild animal? If so, really?
--The clouds going past the moon shot is an affront to all things lunar. If you can't just shoot the actual moon, please don't bother.
--"Zombism." Personally, I believe in a relaxed and inclusive definition of "zombie" which can include infected, voudon, bite-based, chemical, viral, etc. But being possessed by a Demon is not really zombism. Evil Dead "zombies" don't seem to want to actually eat anyone, not as a primary goal anyway. What really bugs me about this is how many zombie aficionados will scream for days that 28 Days Later is not zombie movie because infection isn't dying blah blah blah, but have no issue with this? I guess later in the film it's a little more zombie-like, but really? Evil Dead is a zombie movie like Pet Sematary is a zombie movie—which is to say: kinda, but not really. In fact, it isn't even marketed as a zombie movie anymore.
--Bruce Campbell. I know he has legions of fans, and is purportedly a really nice guy. He's handsome. Ridiculously, absurdly, chiseled-out-of-stone handsome. No disrespect, but Bruce looks like he could be Mitt Romney's brother. He's so handsome, I'm suspicious and want to dislike him on general principle.
--Claymation. I gotta admit, I like it.
--Zombies don't talk. And you can posthumously tell that prick Dan O'Bannon I said so.

Lets agree for the time being that The Evil Dead is a zombie movie. Zombies are part of the horror genre, and will be until they sparkle and make the romance with teenage girls. But The Evil Dead isn't scary. It's gross and silly and ridiculous. It doesn't take horror seriously. And I do. Horror is serious business, and if you're going to piss on it with your foolish FX and shittier than shitty dialogue (which is free, BTW. Good dialogue costs nothing, and the only thing you need to get it is talent) it needs to be at least as funny as say, Fido. Evil Dead isn't, not in MY humble opinion. It isn't even as funny as Saturday the 14th and how many of you have even seen that little gem of a film? ** insert horsehead bookends joke here **

There's one more thing that keeps me from digging The Evil Dead. And I didn't put it together for the longest time. And it begins with the Fake Shemp. A "Fake Shemp" is a delightfully nerdy expression derived from when the Three Stooges had to complete a few shorts after Shemp Howard's sudden death. They worked around him with (what we now call) some Ed Wood-style body doubling. They had to shoot around Bruce Campbell to finish the film. Since Ted Raimi was far too adorable to stand in for Mitt jr, they used a series of these Fake Shemps.

Hmmm…a Three Stooges joke. Even with that knowledge, it still took someone actually telling me that one reason I don't appreciate Evil Dead movies is that I don't like the Three Stooges. Once I looked for it, Evil Dead was rife with references, parodies, a veritable cornucopia of Three Stooges humor. That's the ongoing joke that I just don't get. And let me assure you, that running gag is holding that movie together more than some of you realize. Without it, the whole thing turns to an unfunny crapshack.
Even more eye-opening was the realization that I don't know a single chick who likes Three Stooges. Not one. I mean, I've seen a few of their shorts and don't wish them any specific harm. A lot of fingers in eyes and pies in rich dowager's faces. Hardee har har. But aside from thinking that recent movie was an affront against the gods of cinema, I know fuckall about the Three Stooges, and am quite comfortable with that. But I was pissed to realize that my dislike of Evil Dead had more to do with me being a chick than I'd care to admit.

In the end, I can forgive lame special effects, bad makeups under too bright lighting, suspiciously handsome actors, and can even learn to tolerate poorly written dialogue. But if I'm not scared, I need to be laughing, intrigued, or care even the tiniest bit about these characters. I wasn't, and I couldn't, and I still can't. And that, ultimately, is what keeps me from enjoying The Evil Dead.
Aren't you glad you know?

It's really a shame that Jim Carrey's career began with Fire Marshall Bill and Ace Ventura. If he wasn't so awesome, he could have been saddled with that crap forever the way people still think "Whoa!" or "Duuuude" when Keanu Reeves is mentioned in any context.

I love him in stuff, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is damn near a masterpiece. And The Cable Guy is a brilliant film commercially ruined by the dumb expectations of douchebags.

He tells a great story that I couldn't find on YouTube about his audition for SNL, which of course, he did not get. As he was arriving at the NBC building, someone was standing on a tall floor threatening to jump to their deaths. A crowd of people on the ground was divided, some yelling "NO" and some yelling for him to jump. Carrey was totally shaken when he arrived and asked if he could have a minute to calm down. They basically said "No, man. It's a live show. We don't always have a minute for you to calm down." I see their point and all. But I still wish we'd gotten Jim Carrey as a regular on SNL.

I finally watched The Truman Show tonight, after people telling me for years that I need to. I don't think I've ever disliked characters played by Laura Linney or Ed Harris so much. Well, Linney was a vile person in The Laramie Project, but she was slightly less evil than this. What a beautiful film. I wanted it to keep going after it was over--but that, of course, would have negated the larger message.

I searched for half an hour to find that SNL vid where Jim Carrey plays Jimmy Stewart busting on Jim Carrey. It's listed all over the place, but none of them actually play. Frown.

Matthew McConaughey is not returning to True Detective next season. Luckily, he's not why I watch. Still...a little Bill Paxton would be nice.

I'm glad I don't actually know anyone in RL who thinks their religious liberty depends on being able to legally discriminate against gays, or anyone really.

Not linking to it, but Zack Snyder seems to think he directed Watchmen to "save" it from the Terry Gilliam's of the world. Fuck you, dude. Even if Terry Gilliam stopped making films after The Fisher King, he'd still be a goddamn genius.

Did everybody see my Seattle PI article about horror and perspective?

I do not support sending troops to the Ukraine, no matter what kind of shenanigans Putin is getting up to over there. Might be a non-issue though. Wait, do they have oil? I'm sure that will make all the difference.

Bates Motel comes back tonight. I'm reviewing it.

I was interviewed for Women in Horror Month, at long last!

Pasta for dinner, with tons of capsecum, mushers, and ground pork. Unusual for us to eat ground pork, but H does most of the shopping now--so I ain't complainin'

We're finally gonna watch Thor 2 so we know what the heck is happening on Agents of Shield tomorrow.

Shockwave Flash, I hate you. Chrome for mac, you're really starting to suck.

I've been pretty busy lately, and also somewhat sidelined by an injury. Last week I was cleaning the bathroom when my back suddenly seized for no apparent reason. It took me literal minutes before I could straighten it up. Then my left leg got a charley horse that lasted 5 days and hasn't completely gone away. Apparently, this is called "Sciatica" and is a friggin' pain in the ass, and the leg, and also specifically the calf. God DAMN it hurt. Came and went for no apparent reason. Calling the doc on Monday to find out WTF, even though it is slowly getting better thanks to time, stretching, and resting.
I am awesome at resting.

The Mag gets better and better with every issue. I'm still figuring shit out, and my conversions are not all they could be. The last issue had an annoying issue with the Contents page. I thought it was getting fixed, but then it went out unfixed. Still, that issue is full of strong material, cool art, and great features. I'd like to take on a book reviewer and a miscellany reviewer who can talk about TV, videogames, stuff like that. If you know anyone who wants to work for free and is awesome, do send them my way.

( Under the cut is the cover for the February issue. )

I got offered a gig writing 10,000 word eBooks for $100. I thought about it, and realized that would be dumb. Ghost writing should pay a lot more than that. Then the proverbial lightbulb went over my head. I was gonna write this book about Customer Service--the Millicent Mixter book. But then the publishing house that was gonna publish it closed up shop and I was getting the freelance thing off the ground and then the mag happened...long story short, I never finished it. Right now it's a collection of notes, some partial sections, and a great outline.
I set myself up a schedule that, if I can stick to it, will have a solid draft by the end of March. Then there will be beta readers and hopefully some art for the inside and cover. Seems like it might be a good book for fall. But I don't want to rush it. I'm pretty excited about that. I'll even be able to lay it out myself. It'll be my first self-published book, and it won't even be dinosaur porn!

And now for something completely different...

Dude, Where's my Car? is a cheap homage to American Grafitti.

House of 1,000 Corpses is a better remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre than the actual remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Most horror remakes are shitty.  A few are great:
Dawn of the Dead
The Fly
The Hills Have Eyes
13 Ghosts
Red Dragon (original title: Manhunter)

Some are pretty good
The Hitcher
Psycho
Salem's Lot
Halloween
Last House on the Left
Night of the Living Dead (Savini)

I wouldn't say these are definitive list, but those are the ones that come to mind.  I also really need to have a lot more Pixar movies.  As I was thinking that, Disney sent me a thing to join their movie club.  H doesn't have a copy of Avengers, which he totally should.  I need a copy of Up, and would like to have Monsters Inc and Wreck it Ralph.

Found out tonight that the head writer from The Daily Show has left to work on John Oliver's new show.  This bodes well for Oliver, and HBO, and us viewers.  I imagine TDS writing staff is solid enough that this won't be an issue that makes it all the way to us.  

I'm getting much closer to figuring out the epub and mobi conversions for my beautiful magazine layouts. Turns out, I just have to make 2 different versions of each issue so the epub and mobi will look as awesome (though different) than the pdf. It would be nice if pdfs were easier to read on Kindles and stuff. Personally, I find them difficult to read on mine. The letters are so tiny.

"I'll be fine. Besides, if I get raped it'll be my fault for what I'm wearing." Mark Wahlberg as John Bennet in 'Ted'
Ted is a hilarious movie. I enjoy it more every time I watch.

I have lost my baking mojo. The last few things I made from scratch have not turned out. I tried to make another batch of butterscotch blondies and they tasted ghastlier than a thousand ghouls. I literally threw away an entire pan of brownies. They were seriously inedible.
For the party, I'm using box mixes until I can figure out how to get my baking mojo back.

Oh yeah, my annual party is this coming Saturday--November 23rd.
I'm hoping that people just aren't RSVPing, because very few people have and I'm never prepared for the possibility that people don't enjoy my company.
I'm awesome, right? RIGHT?!?
Anyway, I invited the usual ton of people. It's open-house style, so peeps will most likely be wandering in and out from 6pm until 2am or so.
I'm making a chocolate hazelnut cheesecake trifle, and a big thing of queso dip. Plus I imagine people will bring a few things.

Finished MaddAddam, which is the 3rd in a trilogy by the great Margaret Atwood. God damn, that chick is brilliant. Such elegant writing, it's almost unworthy of some of the characters. Fuck those Painballers, seriously. It didn't end as tragically as I expected, but after reading GRRM, if a single person lives or doesn't get tortured, it seems happy and/or hopeful.

I decided today that if I could be anyone else for one day, I would be Queen Latifah. Because, duh.

WayWard Manor has been pushed back until March 2014 because they just got a whole bunch more of money. I'm stoked to give it a whirl. H says he's gonna play it with me.

Even if you've never seen an ep of Dexter in your life, you've probably heard people bitching about the finale online. See, any show that's been on TV for longer than one season will have haters after the finale--no exception. If I liked the finale, the haters can shut up. If I didn't like it--well, they can have at it. ;-] (I liked LOST and Sopranos, but was furious with BSG, for example)

Despite the formulaic season structure on Dexter, and despite the fact that we went through this season surrounded by pivotal characters we barely knew--I thought the finale was beautiful and tragic. I liked it very much.

That said, Dexter pales in comparison to other things on TV...now. I don't know what genius at Showtime decided to run the Dexter finale the week before the Breaking Bad finale, but that was a terrible choice. And it didn't just work out that way--it was planned. Dexter was moved ahead over a month from when it normally airs, so I don't get that at all. Speaking of Breaking Bad. Damn...this shit is getting really sad. Maybe crime doesn't pay?

With S1 Under the Dome behind us, I'm starting to review Hostages tonight. I hope I didn't choose wrong, because we watched the Sleepy Hollow premiere last week and it was pretty good. I don't even think GeekBinge is covering that, which is a drag.

Speaking of good, Boardwalk Empire has been kicking ass.

In Under the Bed news, the EiC and I made the choice to skip a month of the mag so we could have a regular release schedule. This is due to some weirdness at B&N and some other crap I didn't really want to worry about. So what was Undead September is now our October issue. November will be full of monsters. For December, I really want to put the Krampus on the cover. I'm hoping someone will come through with a drawing. *eyes you artists*

You can beat the rush on our awesome zombie issue by subscribing before it comes out. Here is where you'd do that. It's only $1.99 a month, or even less for a whole year--$19.99. Every month you get at least five awesome short stories along with features (*ahem* porcelain72), reviews, interviews, and my own snarky commentary. How can you resist, and why would you want to?

We have Wreck-it-Ralph on the DVR.
If H won't watch it with me, I'm going to punch him.
I wish I had a boxing glove. I'm not a very hard puncher.

Checked out The Orphanage today after buying it a long while ago. Damn, it was amazing. Beautifully shot, great cast, and plenty of surprises. It was creepy throughout, damn scary in parts, and had a motherfucking gut punch I in no way saw coming.
So yeah, bravo once again, Guillermo Del Toro.

Speaking of movies, the remake of Maniac was fucking incredible. Exactly what it needed to be, plus Elijah Wood. Very strong camera work, excellent stylized kill scenes, and just the right amount of camp. I did think that Elijah Wood could pull off a serial killer, so it wasn't a total surprise. I was very pleased with how well he developed such a dark character, and how much humanity he was able to bring to something SO melodramatic and textbook.


The first mag issue is coming out on August 4th. I daresay it looks more like an anthology with pictures than an actual magazine at this point. It's a great read though, with some fun stories and cool extras. The subscription link isn't quite ready yet because there's an error and I can't find where to fix it.

Horror fans take note: I'm looking to bring in some more curators to read, comment, and vote on submissions. It's pretty fun--so much fun that we don't actually pay people to do it. But you'll get to read tons of free fiction as well as getting your name in the mag.

And finally, Taco Bell's smothered burritos are pretty good. They are spicier than I expected, very filling, and tasty.

Marketing 2.0 is about to get underway as I update my website, start a newsgroup, and continue with the paid adverts. Audiobooks will (hopefully) be out soon--but that's tougher since it's not all under my control. I'm not gonna be linking this blog to my site anymore--at least not as the main blog. I have a big awesome plan for something I could tell people about that they don't already know and will find fascinating.

So I'm stoked about that.

TV Reviews continue to be fun and good for exposure. The money is not great, but the writeoffs are awesome.

We watched Defiance, all they've showed so far. It was not bad. Derivative, but hell, what isn't? There are some future-Lannisters in it. Bright blonde hair, ruthless while pretending to be on the level, and inappropriate nakedness between family members. Mom, please put on something besides beads before you hug your kid. All I remembered was the door and weights, that there were witches, and that a girl a little older than me (at the time, I was probably about 11) was trying to steal a grown-up lady's husband. Amazingly, she was successful, which blew my mind as a kid.

For H, I got some Assassin's Creed game he had on his wishlist. He likes it, though he says he's "way behind."

Tonight I have two TV reviews--thank the gods The Following is finally ending tonight. I've had fun mocking it, and puzzling how Bacon and Purefoy could have thought this was good writing. *swoon* Purefoy...
It's so disappointing that such a promising show was SO terrible. I'm still digging Bates Motel. Both of the leads, Freddie Highmore and Vera Farmiga, give excellent performances. I expected the tacked-on brother to be a throwaway character, but he's also been interesting and good.

Reading Under the Dome so I can be in-the-know when the series comes out this summer--I'm totally reviewing that too.

It's been asserted that I'm a cynic who thinks it's cool to rip on stuff other people like. Yeah, because people en masse have such great fucking taste. I wanted to enjoy Cabin in the Woods. I really did. It's not my fault that it sucks, or that so many people who should know better are pacified by pablum. I'm not even going to tell you how much money A Haunted House made this weekend. But it's more money than I've made collectively in my entire life to date. By all means, watch crap if you want to. I do. I love shitty slashers and terrible SyFy CGI movies. But please, don't pretend that they're good or that I'm being mean by not liking them. Please.

It's true that I don't like a lot of things "everybody" likes. As far as I know, nobody likes everything that Everybody likes. Duh. Because "everybody" doesn't actually like it. Shit that's popular for a while often fades into the background and is completely forgotten about by people who swore they'd love it forever. BTW, that's also why there should be a waiting period for tattoos. So no, it doesn't really make sense to bust on someone for not liking something other people like. I actually find people who follow every goddamn trend no matter how stupid to be infinitely more irksome.

As I so often do, I wonder what it is that makes people say "You are wrong" instead of "I disagree." Why people have to assume that there's ignorance or stupidity afoot when there is dissent. A particular peeve of mine is when people say Oh, well if you read such-and-such by so-and-so, you'd agree with me as if I'm so malleable that the right book would instantly change my mind. Books are powerful, but not more powerful than the human mind. Not MY mind anyway.

In fucking stupid news, I'm mildly bummed that sweinberg never talks to me on Twitter. He posts twenty kajillion times a day, but totally snubs me. #drag We used to be such great pals, ten years ago on LJ.

That's right. I turned officially Old as Fuck yesterday on the occasion of my 24th birthday. Ha! Did I say 24th? I mean 42nd.

Here's a link to the partay pics from FB. The party was sort of random and scattered this year, with many guests coming at different times, on different days, or not at all. One person skipped because they thought another person was attending--but then neither of them actually showed up. DRAMA!!! I hate that shit, because I never know if I'm handling it right.

A goodly number of fine people did attend, and a few of them even brought gifts. We played Cards Against Humanity, which is always hilarious. There was great food, and precious little drunkeness. I bought a fifth of Southern Comfort that was barely touched. Not sure what I'll do with it. I bet it'd be good on a holiday cake.

I got Sid Haig's autograph in a cool frame, signed to me. Sweeeeeeet!! I also got Michael C Hall's autograph, and a Dexter clip-on badge. It was sweet. My assistant, Sara, made a gift basket with different kinds of lemon soda. H made me a sweet card and got me some gifts he says will arrive later in the week. Neat, eh?
I also got a sweet pair of sketchers, some really beautiful and thoughtful cards, something from Ryan that will also be here in a week or so. Plus Game of Thrones S1, The Muppets, and these:


It was the best pineapple cake in years. Sometimes I use boxed cake mix, for ease. But lately I'd been trying different recipes in an attempt to find the perfect one. This year I did Martha Stewart's yellow cake recipe but used butter crisco instead of butter. I've never actually made that substitution in a cake before. Alton Brown was right when he says it makes things taste more buttery than actual butter. The foodie in me was uneasy, but the cake was fucking delicious. I also added half a cup of sour cream--that's my "secret."
I didn't take a picture, but it was pretty, and in a bundt pan. It was light around the outside, and I wasn't sure it was done. It was.
I really, really, REALLY need a new bundt pan. I've had the same one since 1998 and it really has seen better days.

The peeps over at GeekBinge, of which I am one, put together a series on our favorite Halloween subgenre films. I would not say these are my definitive pics. It was first come, first serve. But, they are all good films worth mentioning to the yowens.

#1 Haunted House Movies

#2 Monster Movies

#3 Horror Comedies

#4 Horror for the Whole Family Oddly, there are two rated-R movies on this list. o.O

#5 Psychological Horror

For the first time in I have no idea...I didn't do crap for Halloween this year. How strange. And how untypical of me. I will be reviewing American Horror Story though. That'll be good.

Stay safe to my buddies on the East Coast.
And come back, Daily Show and Colbert!
We need you now more than ever.

Uverse on Demand requires a bit of buffering. Who knew?

It was pretty good. Snappy writing, fun action scenes, Loki is a great villain and everyone was well developed, I thought.

The Hulk, though. There was some rather rampant inconsistency in terms of how much control he had over his Hulkiness. They led us to believe it was none, but then it was some, then it was a bunch. But why? And why did no one discuss it at all?

Jeremy Renner. Damn. Wow. Damn and wow. I loved him in the Jeffery Dahmer movie (which I merely liked), but this was amazing. He had such a strong screen presence. His physicality screamed ICON. Why didn't he get his own movie? Seriously. Give me it!

This week I'm finishing up edits to Kiss Me Like You Love Me so I can re-release it early next year.

I gotta put some more blue in my hair tomorrow so I look super awesome for the big show this weekend. These dudes are playing on Saturday for the first time in 15 years. My buddy Finster is flying out from California so I don't have to dance by myself. It's gonna be way far insane and awesome. H is even going, he got the night off work. I know, right?

Working on the next Stig and the Puppetman comic about the two mismatched roommates who are also serial killers. Yay! It's fun making comics, and I really enjoy how they're coming out. So good on that.

Got approved for another job. Another one of these gigs where I have no idea whatsoever how much work there will be or when it will come in. Drag.
The steady stuff is groovy, but I wish there was more of it.

I'm signing a contract for a freelance gig that is essentially well-paid, per project content creation. It's cool, but not exactly my dream job. And I'm not sure how steady the work will be.

Was supposed to hear back on the job I was testing for. Was supposed to get an automated Email last night letting me know. I stayed up until 12am PST to get it, even though 3am on a Sunday is late even for me. Didn't hear. Still haven't heard. The site indicates that I finished the test, but no results. I are irked. It specifically says not to write and ask for results, but if they're more than 2 days late, I probably will. Right now they're only 18 hours late.

Also waiting on another contract that will allow me to make a big announcement. I imagine most of you have figured it out already. Plus, I told 3 people not counting H. I hate waiting, and I suck at it.

For movie night, we watched Hannah. I was hoping it would be pretty good. I ended up digging the hell out of it. Was worried at one point that the ending would flop, but I felt quite satisfied. H and I are fans of Eric Bana, and Cate Blanchette is great in everything. Tonight, H and I are finally gonna watch The Horde. Last week we checked out The Revenant, and thought it was pretty good, and I'll likely write that up for ZZN.
Speaking of ZZN, got some fun interviews coming up. A few of the kids from Zombie Hunter and a Dr Rotz who does a series of web vids that I'm finding pretty hilarious.

Michael Dorn is the Captain in the new Star Trek series.
Imma watch the hell out of it! (Of course, I said that about Enterprise but didn't actually watch it due to its lameness)

And finally Mel Hines and James L Grant have dropped yet another webcomic on an unsuspecting world. Failure to Fire is online as of today. It's gonna be awesome.

We went to see Prometheus, after making 1 million jokes about Jay Sherman's student film. Because, seriously...


I liked it very much, as did H.
Funnily enough, we watched A.I. last night. I'd never actually gotten around to seeing it. I thought it might make me sad. Yeah...
A friend described it as "greif porn." That pretty much nails it. It's wrenching, all the way through. It should have ended much sooner. It was like Logan's Run in that way--there were a few good places to end it, but it went on and on.
Still, it was a cool movie with a great cast and I'm glad I sat down and cried my way through it. I'm stoked for what will happen when Haley Joel Osment reemerges as a grown-up actor. Maybe he and Lucas Haas can play stoner brothers in something? Anywhoo, watching A.I. put me in a weird space to watch Prometheus. Plus, both movies had an artificial person named "David."

So yeah...Prometheus. An Alien Prequel/Spinoff
( Thematically, it's the most *important* film in the series. Spoilers lurk here. )

No, Prometheus wasn't what I was expecting. And I'm glad of that. My favorite thing ever is when I don't see the ending coming. Prometheus was awesome in the truest sense of the world. I almost wish I'd seen this at age 22 on LSD. I'd have felt like every question in the universe had been answered and I could move on to more important things.

Speaking of universal questions, I have finally posted a detailed article about why I loathe The Evil Dead. It is my hope that I will never have to answer that question again. Please, horror peeps, link to your friends. I keep hoping for a ZZN flame war and I never get one.

In other news, I got a call about a job I'd love to have. Will be phoning them back tomorrow. Details to follow, if applicable.

Oh, and the Frankenweenie trailer makes it look like a delightful watch. I have to laugh though, because even among his animated characters, Tim Burton casts the same ones over and over. That is totally the kid from Vincent, and the dog face from Nightmare Before Christmas, and a couple of people from Corpse Bride. But hey, it's Tim Burton, so you know it's gonna be some fun watchin'

New podcast tomorrow. Kiss Me Like You Love Me. Yay!

As promised, I checked out Farmhouse last week. I was pleasantly surprised. The violence was not as intense or pervasive as standard torture porn fare. But it was grueling and suspenseful with a strong cast. Steven Weber as a bad guy. Yes, I like it. Like Martyrs, it has an intriguing premise that you won't understand until the very end. Stick with it, because it's a pretty good watch if you like the hard-R-for-violence stuff.

Got my biggest royalty check ever yesterday. This might be the year I achieve my dream of being a thousandaire. Maybe someday, my yearly income will be more than what Mitt Romney earns in 2 weeks. Man...that'd be something.
Speaking of Mittington of Romneyshire, have you been reading about all this shit he got up to as a punk born with a silver spoon in his whiny gob? Beating up a gay kid and cutting his hair? Screwing with a blind man? Gods, what a prick. I don't necessarily believe in electing the president I'd most want to have a beer with--but he can't be an out-of-touch sociopath who lies like the rest of us drink water (which is to say, whenever his mouth gets dry).

My relationship with my day-job continues to struggle. At the end of the month, they are cutting 28 hours of open-time a week. Instead of being open 9-9 M-F and 9-5 on Saturday, we're only going to be open 10-6 M-F. I also hear we will not be doing our usual streak of hiring in the fall. I imagine I'll stay around until the busy season, but it looks like another round of "Please do the work of several people for the same pay you're making now, with less flexible hours and less available support." As you might imagine, I'm not really a fan of that sort of thing. The job market is getting better though. People are slowly getting back on their feet. Let's hope the trend continues.

Picked up an extra shift at the day-job this week to cover for someone attending a funeral. What am I gonna say? No, I don't feel like it even though my plan was to stay home, relax and dick around on the computer? Possibly, but I didn't. I could use the scratch. I need to order new magnet bracelets since my good one broke (after over a decade) and my pretty ones aren't really strong enough. I got another pretty one that is stronger, and a super-dooper-uber-strong one that will top out at around 4000 gauss. Mmmmm...gauss. I realize that I am a great believer in a few medical things, like magnets and EMDR, that a lot of people assume are bunk.
Magnets, for example, are sold as being miracle cures. They aren't. They don't lower your blood pressure, stress level, or give you an enhanced state of being. But they have helped me through some awful pains. I first used them to take down the swelling in an abcessed molar. If you've never had the displeasure, it's like a throbbing kidney stone in your mouth. Magnets did the trick--I didn't even care how absurd they looked taped to my face. These days, they curb the carpal/cubital tunnel pain.

The "ENTER" key on my keyboard at work sticks terribly.
I find it irksome.

This weekend I'm hanging out with my new buddy, a little kid I'll refer to as G-man. G-man is the child of a chick I went to college with. His family is Mormon. He is a certified genius and a huge fan of all things horror. He came out to Ann Arbor a while back to record a short story for me--and was great. I think he's 9, though he might be 10. Anyway, he's coming over on Saturday and sleeping over in H's office. We're gonna talk horror, maybe record some more fiction, and watch whatever horror I have that is swear-free and hopefully won't scar the kid for life. I'm thinking of showing him Night of the Living Bread, maybe a few original Twilight Zone eps, and either the original Dracula or Frankenstein.

I'm also taking suggestions on stuff that is quality horror but can still be shown to a kid with religious parents. The original JAWS should be fine if he hasn't already seen it. Apparently, he loves megalodons.

Still chipping away at this med situation. Doubling my dosage tonight of the Celexa. Here's hoping it won't make me more tired than I already am. My appointment with my regular doc and psyche doc together is supposed to be next Thursday, but I just found out I have to work. I'm hoping I can get that figured out, since I can't get another refill until I see both docs together. I do feel a lot less tense, angry, and worried about stuff. But I'm tired and not getting very much work done. It's so hard finding a balance...

And finally, this Friday the 13th is the giant, enormo, FREE Kindle giveaway for A Stabbing for Sadie. ONE DAY ONLY, BITCHES! I don't have H's fly graphic with me at work, but please do tell everyone you've ever known. Graphic will be up by tomorrow. Honest.

There were no cartoons last Sunday night, and we don't give a rat's ass about football. There have been a lot of ads On Demand for Lenny, starring the great Dustin Hoffman, and the chick who played Miss Tessmacher. I had never seen it, and I know very little about Lenny, except that he was a vulgar comedian who got arrested a lot. I presumed it was due to anti-establishment talk--the sort of thing that might get you pepper-sprayed today if you said it outside. There was some of that. But it's embarrassing to remember that there was a time in America when you could be arrested simply for saying a word. He was arrested a bunch of times, just for dirty talking in adult establishments. His opening act was a hooker for chrissake! It's not as if there were children there. Plus, he was kind of angry and nuts. So I relate.

The movie paints Bruce as troubled but desperately trying to do right. Hoffman plays him as kinda nuts, at least bi-polar if not schizophrenic. I am of the opinion that Dustin Hoffman is fucking amazing and one of the greatest actors of our time. As a kid, Little Big Man was deeply moving. Marathon Man is a horror/thriller classic. Kramer versus Kramer made me cry and cry. This movie is another masterpiece. An incredibly engrossing watch, and I'm still thinking about it days later.

Near the end, Bruce is trying to appeal to the judge in his anti-obscenity case. He could have literally gone to prison for telling dirty jokes. Lenny doesn't believe the judge is a bad guy. He also believes in his work, that is has value, that it isn't just profanity for the sake of it. He's right, for the most part. When he's yelling Can't we just talk about it--like people?!? and Please, don't take my words! it kind of fucked me up. I'm super emotional and precarious about the new book right now, so it was well-timed for that sort of thing. Drug deaths are always frustratingly sad, and his seemed totally avoidable. In the movie at least, Lenny Bruce is portrayed as just the type of guy who could be helped with mental health intervention. He just wouldn't have known or believed that in his time. Being an outsider meant not trusting anybody, and given how he was treated just for breaking a few social mores, I can't say that I blame him. Being that angry all the time really takes it out of you. I've been feeling it lately, so again, well-timed.

So yeah, I'm downloading some of his stuff to check out. And some Carlin too while I'm at it.

I'm planning to get a bunch more writing and marketing stuff today. Then I'll look for some new jobs to apply for when I get home. I have to haul my CPAP machine over to the supply place so they can read the SD Card to prove I'm using it. I don't know why I can't just bring the card, but they are lame about it. Plus I'll find out what, if anything, my new insurance will cover on the CPAP since it's nowhere near paid for. That should be fun. I'm also gonna check out a movie called Deliver Us From Evil, which I'm going in to basically cold.