I guess we can be grateful that she's not fat in heaven.

[wednes]

You may recall that I went through a considerable amount of stress before my wedding. Even though I had resigned myself to being a fat bride, I had some sort of issue with being a visibly, enormously fat bride--which I guess had something to do with the fact that I'd be seeing people I hadn't seen in years. I was also paying someone (albiet a good friend) to take as many pictures of me as humanly possible. In short, I freaked out. I even lost an Lj friend over my freaking out about my appearance solely as it related to size. Even bearing all that in mind, I am just disgusted and saddened by this.

This woman was so ashamed and embarassed to be a "fat bride" that she literally killed herself trying to lose wieght. Worst still, she was under a doctor's care. A doctor who assured her that being fat is always bad and unhealthy and anything you need to do to be less fat is always worth it. Yes, of course. That's why all thin people are happy and healthy; and absolutely no fat people are. Yay! So instead of getting married (what? you mean someone loved her even though she was fat?!? madness!) she gets to be dead. And the doctor who told her to starve to death so she could be thin gets to keep right on telling people that there's nothing more important than "looking healthy" even if you're about to keel over.

Obviously, I can't sit here and say that I have no issues about my weight or size. Not only could I stand to do a LOT more exercise (not to lose wieght so much, but to feel better and have more energy), but I can be remarkably sensitive about wieght related comments. If you read the linked article, the dead girl's brother says something like I always told her she was fat, I had no idea it affected her so much. Right. being mocked by your own family never affects anyone negatively. That's why serial killers are all so tight with their parents and siblings. Oh wait...
As you know, I'll be going to a Vampire Ball next month to meet Voltaire. I adore Voltaire. He seems like a cool guy in RL. Still, I am confident that I will spontaneously combust into a pillar of tears if he made some sort of comment or evil look about getting his picture taken with a fat girl. Seriously, I'd run out of there crying like a 12-year old girl at her first school dance; even though I'm a happily married woman who is almost 40. Solution? The "No Fat Chicks" shirt. I announce my awareness of my fatness (ever have some stranger tell you you're fat, as if perhaps you'd been previously unaware? mortifying), implying that I'm very comfortable with it. It's also witty, and I do enjoy being witty. Let's just hope that the attractiveness of my wit outwieghs (pun?) the purported hideousness of my terrible, terrible fat.

Comments

[jeffpalmatier.livejournal.com]

To start out on a positive note, I didn't know you were married. Congratulations! I knew you were in a relationship at the very least.

I've been saddened before that I lost friends on LJ over what I thought could have been resolved through a "let's agree to disagree" agreement, but for some people disagreeing about some issues is a deal breaker for them. I have to admit this annoys me. People say stuff I don't agree with or necessarily like. So fucking what?

In any case, I'm horrified by this story too. That actress Mary Frann had a fatal heart attack some years ago, apparently because she was overdoing the exercise and diet pills to lose weight for her wedding, which just made me sick. You have to keep in mind to try to do everything in moderation. Nothing extreme seems to ever turn out good.

However, realistically we're always going to want to look the best we can. Even if we intellectually tell ourselves that a certain aspect of our appearance shouldn't bother us, if it does, then it does. Just accepting that seems to be a healthier mentally rather than stomping your foot like your LJ friend apparently did and saying, "We shouldn't feel this way because we shouldn't feel this way!"

[wednes.livejournal.com]

In this particular unfriending, I think it had more to do with my self-deprecating pre-wedding freakout rather than a simple disagreement. She's a pretty level headed chick and I was bummed about the unfriending, but you know...just one of those things.

Personally, I think people say fat=ugly because that's what they've been conditioned to say. People have preferences, which is fine. But there's this idea that if looking at someone doesn't make you want to fuck them, that they are less valuable than people you find more attractive physically. That's just dumb. My husband happens to think I'm super cute. But even if he didn't, that wouldn't make me "ugly" per se.

There aren't any absolutes, and when we justify treating fat people like criminals by saying things like "well, they shouldn't be fat anyway, it's not healthy" we're essentially using bogus science as an excuse to treat people badly. Someone actually said to me once, "if you dont' like it, you should lose wieght." Right. And if you don't like being fag-bashed, maybe you should turn straight. Ah well...

[roane.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. Fucking. God. What kills me is the bit from the "doctor" at the end of the article.

When you starve yourself, as you do on a crash diet, your heart gets used to functioning on very little fuel. The problem is if you suddenly eat more - the classic dieter's lapse of willpower.

In other words, it was her own fault, because she probably went off the diet, as those fat people always do. God that makes me angry. And now a beautiful young woman with a lot of potential is gone, in part because of assholes like this guy.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

*nods*

Yes, it makes me sad all the way around.

[liadra.livejournal.com]

Such a shame. As another fat chick I just have to say the way the world (generally) regards us just sucks. She'd be alive today if it weren't for the notion that you have to be thin and pretty to be loved and accepted. (So why am I still single? WAH!)

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Indeed. Not to mention the notion that anything you need to do to keep from being a fat person is worth the risk--you know, because fat will KILL YOU!!!

[hellhole.livejournal.com]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm too crazy to marry. Even though Kyle and I have been together almost 6 years, I have no plans in sight because I'm still terrified of THAT sort of commitment.

Its funny because I'm the skinny girl with self image problems. 2 kids and I'm back in single digits with no trouble whatsoever. Its sick, really, how powerful my metabolism is. I more than don't deserve it and sometimes get frustrated with how easy it is for me when I see my bigger friends struggle with it.

I just kind of wanted to show you the other side. Even with society telling me that I'm okay and attractive, I still self loathe. Sometimes compliments make it worse, even though that feels ridiculous to say even as I say it. Compliments only lead to me thinking deeper in respect to my selfloathing.

Wednes, you've known me since I was but a child. I have to tell you that I think you are an amazing and beautiful person. The fact that you've stuck with me so long honestly makes me feel like a better person myself to be in the company of someone so compelling.

You deserve nothing but good feelings and hugs. Forever.

[hellhole.livejournal.com]

My whole comment reaked of fat hate, that's not the case, as long as someone is healthy, they're beautiful, no matter what their size, from "too thin" to "too big". Size is such a nonissue.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I didn't read it that way at all. I have a pretty keen sense of when people are being "sizist." (even though I'm not a huge fan of that word)

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I hear you on this. It's certainly true that low self image can invade anyone of any size, gender, ethnicity, etc. Sad, really. I'm also very familiar with the idea that any and all compliments I receive are from people "just trying to be nice." Essentially we are invalidating positive things people say and ruminating over the negative ones because they reflect what we already fear deep down inside.

That said, I am extremely picky about which people I let near me, both in RL and online. There are LJ peeps I actually know in RL who don't get to read my friends-only stuff. The fact that you're still on my flist after all this time can only mean that I find you exceptional as well. I admire your passion and the importance you place on being a good mother. You have an unflinching honesty that I really respect. I strive for that kind of honesty in my writing and in my life on the whole.

I can certainly understand your reticence to get married. H and I lived together for 7 years before we even started planning a wedding. Don't forget though, when/if you two DO decide to jump the broom, I'm taking the greyhound out your way so I can perform the ceremony! :-] Count on it.

[darkeryet.livejournal.com]

That is one sad story. Those weeks must have been pretty miserable (just imagine living on such a diet, such low energy) and the suffering didn't lead to the wedding of her dreams but *death*. And the groom -- oh man. What a stupid reason to lose the one you love.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I concur. The groom is barely mentioned in the article.

[diachrony.livejournal.com]

That story just makes me really sad and angry. If it weren't for perverse social pressures this wouldn't have happened.

Her poor fiance. He is probably in shock.

The "doctor" at the end gave such bad advice I couldn't read it all. Grr!

[wednes.livejournal.com]

The idea that she died because she went off the diet as opposed to because of the diet itself is utterly maddening. Crash diets do not help, they are damn dangerous.

I guess for me, the point is to treat my body like something I love rather than as a blubbery thing that needs to be punished for its slothful ways. It is very difficult to care properly for a body you've been taught to feel ashamed of.

[groovesinorbit]

What a horrible story. And what a horrible doctor. A friend's sister did the crash diet thing before her wedding, too, but survived. And then gained all the weight back plus some. Just ridiculous. Not that I don't have body image issues, but risking your life to get thin is just crazy.

I'm guessing I know who your LJ friend was who unfriended you. Similar reasons led to our unfriending.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Oddly, we still do exchange comments on occasion. I think they just had a difficult time hear me get so down on myself over my weight/size. Bummer, really.

[groovesinorbit]

It is a bummer. It's not all you, though. She's got issues.

[citabria]

I'm so horrified I have no idea what to say. I guess thank you for sharing the link, and making the story more well known, will have to do.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I was kinda torn between feeling outraged, not wanting to upset people, and still getting the story out there.

[thehula.livejournal.com]

I'm obviously saddened that someone would do that to themselves, and horrified that a medical professional would condine such behavior.

But, I was a bit more sad about your fears of meeting Voltaire at the Vampire Ball. It's a totally normal set of feelings and responses, I'm just sad that you're having them. Not disappointed in you at all, because you can't help how you feel, and not upset at all, but sad. Sad that the possibility of that kind of behavior is even out there. I'm sad that the possibility exists at all. It's not fair.

I see you. I know exactly what you look like. And I remember crying when I saw you on your wedding day, because you looked so beautiful in your gorgeous blue gown. And it's just not fair that someone wouldn't see you the way that I see you, or that you would have to have a strategy in place to make sure people "get" you. It's just not fair. THAT is the part I don't like. It's not FAIR.

You know?

[thehula.livejournal.com]

Condine? Um, CONDONE, obviously.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I do, man.
And I really appreciate you saying it.

[katharinakatt.livejournal.com]

I love that shirt btw.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Thanks man. I just ordered some sparkly letters so I could make a new one.

[lickingtoad.livejournal.com]

Gotta be a British newspaper -- they measure everything in 'stones?' (I'm sure I could look up how many kilos in a 'stone,' but I prefer to deride them!)

CAR SALESMAN: It gets eighty hectares to a single tank of kerosene.

HOMER: What country was this made in?!

CAR SALESEMAN: It no longer exists.

HOMER: *grinding gears!*

CAR SALESMAN: Put it in 'H!'

[wednes.livejournal.com]

lol