Every time I come over here to post I feel like I should apologize for not having done so earlier. Screw it. I can't imagine that anyone is truly fussed about whether or not I blog.

What's up with me?
Well, I'm still hoping to start a new business venture this year. It's gonna take about $3,000 for startup expenses for my Kickstarter. I need to buy some things for packaging, bases and other supplies, a printer with all that entails plus paying my cousin to build the new website. That should allow me to launch a successful Kickstarter and get the money I'd need to carry us through the first six months to a year.

I'm finishing my business plan for Scared Soapless this week, and will be shooting it out to a few potential investors. Know a rich person, a horror fan maybe, who wants to invest in my horror-themed HBA business? Let me know and I'll shoot them a business plan. I'm told that there is a new tax plan that's going to make rich people invest like there's no tomorrow--so that will be nice. ;-)

Because H took a pay cut this year (his company stopped being open at night, so he doesn't get the overnight bonus anymore. It was more than $2 an hour, and I think it's quite shitty that his reward for 20+ years of excellent work is to fuck up his schedule and cut his pay, while telling him he can't freelance in graphic design. But I digress...), we decided not to do gifts for birthdays or Christmas even though we usually have a limit of $40 per. But when we decided this, I didn't mention that I was already done shopping for him. So he got an array of cool gifts (Funko, book, shirt, new backpack, bike tire patch kit, etc) and now feels bad because he didn't get me anything. Apparently, gesturing broadly at the apartment and items contained therein didn't make him feel better. *sigh*

Sadly, I got a note from Amazon telling me the jig is up with all the free shit I'd been getting for review. Almost every kid I know got a drone from us this year, and we still have plenty of nice drones. It's a bummer not to be getting more free stuff--I almost got a fog machine. I'll still get a few things here and there, but the steady stream of cheap Chinese electronics is over. #Sad

I did get a few cool gifts from friends and well-wishers, including:
A giant box of loofahs I can use for soaping
The Monkees S1 and S2 box sets (which is all of them)
A new portable vape for that thing I do.
Big basket of yummy fruit
Some really beautiful cards
A Fredo Corleone Funko fig
A cool tree ornament
plus H and I actually ate Christmas dinner at someone else's home where I didn't even have to cook. That was pretty amazing, and something we'd never actually done together (we've had dinner at other people's houses, but not for a holiday). We love salmon.

I'm going to be completely selfish in this post. What's new, right?

I am far too young to have lost so many classmates to early death. Sure, I'm almost 50, (well, turning 47 this year, so closer to 50 than 40) and that's a lot more time than a lot of people get. Hell, it might be more time than most people get. I haven't looked it up.

At this point, I went to school with people who died and left behind young kids. Cancer, brain tumors, AIDS, accidents, and a bunch of suicides. Come to think of it, I think I know of more suicide deaths from my peer group than accidents or violent crimes.

Feeling the death of another classmate today.
He was a good guy, never a dick to anyone online--which is a major achievement in my world, since most of the people I know online are the occasional penis-for-brains.
Jim left behind friends and family who are devastated by the loss. I can't even imagine it.

As many of you know, my greatest fear is H dying. When something really frightens me, I sit down and try to think up all the worst case scenarios and figure out what I'd do if they happened. I've figured out zombies, alien invasion, fire, plague, nuclear war, my mom showing up here, and a militia takeover of the state. Damn glad I know people in the militia now.
But when I try to think through what I'd to if H died, all I can see is me sitting in my good chair, staring into space and waiting for someone to notice that they haven't seen me around in a while. Then I'd die. That's not supposed to get your attention or make you feel bad for me. It's rather a crushing defeat to know that after 17+ years with H, that I literally have no idea how I'd manage to live and function without him. Hilariously, most of the people I know have ONLY known me with H. Aside from family and a few classmates I talk to on FB, "Wednes and H" are the only way we exist for them.
So yeah, I have no idea how people pick themselves up and get over it. I'd probably just send messages to Patton Oswalt every day until his agent's assistant's social media manager told me to stop.


As for the rest of life, working on Hellish Calling and dealing with the Radish site not working well, or maybe me not knowing how to work it. Either way, it's slow going.

So, we had Xmas. It was also H's birthday on the 20th. This means that at the Webster-Friday abode, there was much materialism, indulgence, and slothery. Why slothery? Because I made a commitment to watch #Arrow in its entirety, and I'm now about half-way through season three. Lots of shenanigans to be called on that show--but it's still a fun watch. Apparently it takes a mere 5 years and a death in your family to become a world-class assassin. Unless you're a girl, or a poor kid, then it takes even less time than that. Some things never change though, by which I mean John Barrowman is hot as fuck, and Ra's Al Ghul can kiss my ass (not literally of course).

Anyway...
For H's birthday, I got him a super cool book about the Whovian universe.
Plus a T-shirt with the Planet Express logo on it.
Plus some high end super spicy corn chips from Paqui. I wanted to get him the One Chip Challenge, but they were out of them for the season.
I made H's favorite cake, which is Frangipan (a buttery white cake made with marzipan). He loves it, but it's expensive and massively unhealthy so he only gets it once a year.

For Christmas, we made our usual holiday lip balms.
Coconut lime, because that's everyone's fave--including mine.
Cherry cordial (which is chocolate, cherry, hazelnut, and almond flavors)
Cinnamon Bun (cinnamon and vanilla). This was a new flavor and I didn't love it. But always nice to have something different. Think I might bring back the chocolate orange next year. That was good stuff.

H and I didn't give many gifts outside the family. We got H's sister a set of knee braces that she wanted, because she's been working super hard to be healthy. She has more discipline than anyone I know, seriously. My brother is getting a batch of Aztec brownies, because he loves them.

H's stocking was filled with a 2-pack of Reece's cups that weighs a pound. Yes, that means he got TWO half-pound Reece cups, which is the very definition of holiday indulgence. He also got a small jar of Jif cookies and creme with hazelnut spread. It's like a swirl of cookies n creme filling with nutella. He loves it, but it's not to my taste. He got an assortment of hot sauces and a huge vinyl decal that is the Crack in the Wall from Doctor Who, plus some jalapeno cashews.

Gift wise, he got a Blu-Ray of #Interstellar, which he loves and I have not seen. Plus a TARDIS pillow since he loves to lie on the couch with pillows. And finally, I got him an Attack on Titan hoodie, that even comes with a cape. He loves it. So that was great. I was pretty stoked to be able to afford it, since when I first saw it it was $75.

H got me a fancy assortment of foodie food. This included 2 types of Zingerman's bacon (1/4 pound each), some nice bread, fresh mozzarella, a tiny box of palmier cookies, and a fancy lemonade. H's mom got me the study bible I've been wanting, and H's sister got me a White Walker fig from Pop Funko. Speaking of Funkos, H got me a Weeping Angel, which is awesome.

H got me the Master's pocket watch from Doctor Who--which is pretty cool and which I have also wanted for a long time. Plus a DVD of Pink Floyd The Wall, which I hope to hang onto by not letting anyone borrow it.

We got a sweet box of cookies from Bre and the kids, and some assorted sweets and cards from family. The Overstreets gave us the Pop-Up Game of Thrones map, which is badass, the 3rd Walking Dead Compendium, and the Hannibal Lector cookbook. The Lector cookbook is pretty amazing, as it's written by the food stylist for the Hannibal show and has tons of cool pics and trivia. Not sure I'll be making those recipes since they require crazy ingredients like calves head, lungs, or of course, Gillian Anderson's left leg. Bahahahahhaa. So yeah, we got gifted up good.

Like many of you, I have a family. And within that family, there are a wide range of people, some of whom believe things I think are patently batshit. My favorite Aunt once told me she'd never vote Bernie because "he's a socialist." I have a cousin who swears the min wage shouldn't be raised because it mostly applies to kids working part time, and that Citizens United is a "free speech" issue. I enjoy spirited debates when I encounter beliefs like that, but I find not everyone is willing to discuss what they believe.

So today, my youngest cousin posts a hate video....( Cut for what prompted this post )

This led me to think that one reason it's so difficult to talk about racism is this idea white people have--that the only way to be "racist" is to be in a skinhead group, the KKK, or to liberally use the N-word. Kids, that's not so. Even if you've never uttered a racial slur, you can still be less than inclusive. Tim Burton probably does not hate minorities. There's no evidence to say he does. But that doesn't mean it isn't an issue that his movies have very few POC. Thinking "white" people/culture/hairstyles are "normal" and everything else is "other/different/weird/ethnic" is a problem in terms of race relations. So is presuming that every character in every book is white unless the author specifically says they aren't. So if someone tells you that you aren't being inclusive, or racially sensitive, or are being kind of a dick, they aren't necessarily saying you're Mel Gibson or Hitler. That doesn't mean you shouldn't hear them out. Though yes, you have free speech and can absolutely choose to tell them to fuck off.

To that end, I say: Ron Weasley.
JK Rowling made Ron Weasley racist on purpose, and for this very reason. He's not a Death Eater, he's one of the heroes. He's not a supremacist, but he's got issues with squibs (they have one in the family, but he's never talked to them), werewolves, giants, Durmstrangs (or maybe just the one who's sweet on his gal), and Slytherins among others. He's also fine with house elves in servitude and considers Dobby an odd man out (in fairness, so does Hagrid).
Ron isn't a bad kid. He's not malicious, though I do find him petty and tantrummy at times. I don't think he's hateful either. He just believes certain things because they make sense to him, and has never bothered to question it. You know, like how a lot of the people who go around talking smack about Muslims have never knowingly had a conversation with one--or if they have, they come away saying they're "ONE of the Good Ones." It's why the Washington Redskins logo doesn't offend people who have never been called a "redskin" out of hate. Why WOULD they understand it?

But after someone explains it fully, to respond by saying they're lying or being "overly sensitive" is...pretty racist.

When I hear someone say something overtly bigoted, the first thing I try to do is ask questions to make sure I got that right. "Are you being sarcastic? Are you saying he deserved to be shot because he took his earpiece out? Are you saying all Muslims want to kill us for our freedoms?" The answer to that question usually determines whether a discussion ensues, or a screaming match, or I just disable notifications for that post. Calling someone a "racist" is a bad idea most times, since no one, even members of the KKKlan, actually admits that they're racist. Besides, "racist" is a label we slap on a person to let them know we don't like their opinion. It doesn't help anything. Nothing is solved by calling someone a racist. But opening a dialogue? That might help.
It's hard to hear that you're not being racially or culturally sensitive. I hate hearing it, and my first impulse is to explain why I'm not. But dammit, if you've got any kind of privilege, you also have an obligation to acknowledge it, and to think about how life might be (or listen to people when they explain it to you) for those who don't have it.

People tell me it's "not worth it" to "argue" with people on the internet. I maintain that discussions can make all the difference in the world if both parties have some modicum of respect for whoever they're talking to. If I'm wrong, I wanna know why. I want facts or a fresh perspective that tell me why my thinking is wrong, and what I should have noticed that I didn't. I deserve the chance to say, Holy Shit, Long Duk Dong is TOTALLY racist, and I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.
So yeah, if you begin by calling someone a racist because they posted a meme they didn't even read carefully, the ensuing discussion probably won't go well. But if you open up an actual dialogue you might actually get somewhere. Not always. Some people love being angry and hateful, it's like a fuzzy warm blanket to them. But usually, people just don't want to be afraid. If they learn why they don't have to, that might also help.

Ultimately, my cousin took down the fake video because she "didn't want to argue." I think that's a shame, because the ensuing discussion was a good read.

People who know us know that H is a wicked talented graphic designer. I love his work, but obvs I'm biased. He's made many cards and gifts for people--lots of posters, printed scripts with cool covers, etc. He designs all my marketing stuff, and created the logos for Under the Bed magazine and The Horror Within, among other things. He's designed some awesome book covers and more marketing stuff for friends, family, and clients.

I'd been pestering him to put a portfolio together, so he could make more money doing something he loves and is awesome at. He didn't. A year ago I figured, screw it. We'll start a business together. I can do book layout and editing, he can do cover and internal graphics. Together, we could help people self-publish their books, and maybe even publish some people outside what I already did with the magazine (except with better communication and more money), and what I do with the site now (again, with more money). So we've had a few clients and done some good work.

Then...one of our clients took some of H's designs to H's day-job for printing. I'm not saying the name of H's work here, and if you know it, please refrain from saying so in the comments. Anyway, this led to questions that then led to H's work informing him that he is not allowed to perform, for profit, any service that his company offers. Even if it's to people who were not customers already. Even if it's something he doesn't actually do for this company, and therefore doesn't involve poaching customers. Even though it doesn't involve using his work's equipment or resources, or wouldn't impact his job function in any way. Even though he's been with the company for almost 20 years and has never been reprimanded in any capacity. He isn't allowed to use his skills to make money on his own time, because employees of his company in another facility H has never even been to, do something similar to what he does--design graphics.

I can't even put into words how sad and angry I am about this.
Our new business was going really well. We had annoying clients who paid us a good wage, and let us work together to do great things for a variety of projects. It was great and promised to only get more awesome as time went on.

Now it's over.
Sure, I can still take on clients for layout and editing. But I don't have H's skills backing me up. We can't offer cover design services or marketing support that requires the use of graphics (ie: most of it). We'd never be a full-service company for people who want to publish books. All because an obscenely profitable and absurdly huge company thinks they have a right to tell H what to do in his own time, with his own computers and talent. And being H, he's not even going to argue with them. Because that's the kind of employee he is.
I can't even let H know the full extent of my disappointment and anger, because he already feels really bad about it.

So long, [name of company redacted].
You were a good dream.

I had Indian food for the first time last night.

Paneer with spinach and a seafood dish in a spicy sauce with yogurt and nuts. Also, garlic paneer. H had paneer as well and a citrusy tomato sauce. It was really spicy. Mine was supposed to be "medium" but I also found it intensely spicy.

Here's the thing.
I need to learn to make--at the very least, paneer and that sauce, which is called "korma" sauce. I'm guessing that this will require a bunch of specialized shopping, since I doubt I have any of the spices I need onhand. Well, garlic. Always garlic.

How did a whole nationality of cuisine this awesome escape me for my whole life up to this point?


In other news, I went to the doc yesterday after not going for almost a year. The new doc is actually pretty awesome. My numbers were slightly worse than last year, which stands to reason since I was out of a few meds and have been taking abysmal care of myself since falling into a crazy depression. I got a referral for a therapist, and they also want me to have an EKG stress test thingy. I don't know why provoking my heart is a good idea, but I'm not a doctor. I'm also behind for a mammogram, so I probably should call back and get a referral for that too.

I need to get one of those lights for seasonal affective disorder. I was hoping my insurance would cover it, but no such luck. They're surprisingly costly. Fie!

H's birthday is more fun for me than my birthday.
For my birthday, I throw a party. I clean everything and cook a bunch of food and stress out about invites and reminders and every silly detail. Then the party happens and it's somewhere between fine and awesome, and then it's over.

For H's birthday, we don't really have people over. He's even less fond of other people than I am. So I cook him a nice meal, get him some cool pressies, and do all the other *ahem* stuff a good wife does. ;-)

This year, he was taken to see Star Wars, which he loved. His mom sent him the very grown-up gift of a humidifier with some kind of whiff that goes in it. Ryan got him a combination birthday/Xmas gift. Since it's not Christmas yet, H has decided to wait to open it. Where he gets his self control, I do not know. Hope it's not a puppy, because he'll be mighty hungry by Friday. LOL

I got H the following:
An assortment of classic, hot, and sour candy.
He loves that shit.
A replica of the Lawkeeper badge from Defiance.
A book called "The Science of Doctor Who" which is cooler than most similar sounding books. Not really an examination of what they got right or wrong. Rather, it's about how actual RL science could give us the kind of events seen on the show.
Coooooool.
I also got him a graphic novel version of the teleplay "City on the Edge of Forever," which is from Star Trek TOS in case you didn't know. Ellison FTW, amirite?

Later, I'll be making H some nachoes, because that's what he wants. Also, some cookies. He likes Alton Brown's puffy cookie recipe with Reece's chips instead of chocolate.

Okay, I'm off to do some child-care, which I'll actually be doing at home.
That means kids movies and Ninento Wii for the bulk of the day. Better than what I had planned, which was SEO articles.

Today is Sweetest Day, which I completely forgot.
Was going to cab it over to the mall to get H a pressie, but it's football Saturday, which I also completely forgot. I could not possibly care less about football, except that it makes me want to leave the house even less than usual. Drunken crowds, you know.

Halloween is coming up, and I have no plans. Bummer.
If you know of any cool events that I'd be welcome at, do let me know.

Started Xmas shopping. H is probably getting mostly books and movies, candy, socks, and a T-shirt of some sort. If this new gig works out, I might also be able to buy him a small drone. He would have tremendous fun with that.

Thinking that my birthday party will be the Saturday after Thanksgiving, as per usual. I never know if it's gonna be a huge party or a tiny one. Thinking about making a coconut cake with a chocolate ganache. That would be tasty.

Had given up on getting a regular writing gig I applied for, but then I heard back from them. The work seems pretty straight forward and the pay is good. So I'm stoked about that. Also have a new short story I've been noodling for a few weeks now. Looking forward to getting that drafted before the NaNoWriMo starts. Oh yeah, I'm doing the NaNoWriMo this year. Go me! ;-) Who else is playing? Be sure to add me as a writing buddy.

Movies have and will watch soon:
Green Inferno
The Visit
Knock Knock
Honeymoon

I should probably start working on my list of horror for the year-end wrap up for Geekbinge. American Horror Story is going well, BTW. By which I mean the show itself, and my reviews. South Park commenters at the new sites are often shitty and mean, and make personal slams when they disagree with something. But AHS fans comment about the show, the references, and horror in general. Speaking of TV, Simpsons is having new Halloween eps two weeks in a row. They're totally embiggening the whole season.

Remember a few weeks, maybe a month ago, I found out H and I weren't getting the check from our 2013 income tax refile? I was super bummed because it was my fault and we sort of needed the money? Well, the check mysteriously arrived today, over a month after it was supposed to and after we were told it wasn't coming at all.

Wha--?

My back is still stiff and sore and terrible. Normally I'd do some stretches while lying on the floor. But the vacuum we bought last year is already broken and H doesn't want to buy one from Craigslist. So I'm not lying on a floor that hasn't been vacuumed in a month. No, not even when I'm in pain.

That bitch from Nerdly who talked shit about me in a review (and stole one of my pics, which has since been removed) is now attempting to justify her terrible behavior. Did you know that being transexual makes you the spokesperson for every transexual? I had no idea. Fascinating, right? Too bad I'm so "disrespectful" and need to "educate" myself. *shakes head*

Honestly, is there a difference between "she revealed herself to be a biological male" and "she revealed herself to be a transgendered woman" in terms of respect or dignity? If my phrasing (the first one) was honestly disrespectful, I do want to know about it. Though I maintain that calling me out publicly while lumping me in with people who made Crying Game jokes or used the term "He/She" is right out. The review was for Penny Dreadful, which is set in a time period before terms like transgendered or transexual were used, as far as I know. I find this annoying because a) I don't think I'm an ignorant or hateful person, and b) if my verbiage is off, I want to discuss it rather than fend off an accusation--especially from a total stranger. Gah.

I do the overwhelming majority of the cooking around here, since H can only cook bachelor food. His fave meal that I make is chili, because I am the ace at it. I think my chili con carne is so good, that I'd enter it into cookoffs if they happened anywhere near me. But I'm certainly not schlepping my chili and fixin's down to Texas. I hear it's hot and racist down there. ;-)

Tonight though, H wants his second favorite meal--which is abbreviated thanksgiving. I take a whole mess of veggies and mix them with a bag of Pepperidge Farm cornbread stuffing. Add chicken stock and bake--serve with gravy that came out of a jar. That's right, a jar. You wanna fight about it? Sometimes I mix in some ground chicken, but today I'm keeping the ground chicken on the side for portion control. Meat is expensive, you know. With it, we're having green bean casserole. H friggin loves green bean casserole--and like many African Americans, he had never heard of it as a kid.

This is a discovery that I made in my adult life--that the Campbells cookbook from 1968 didn't make it out of middle-class white neighborhoods. When H and I first got married, H's grandmother asked me for the recipe after having it at her new church. She was the 3rd or 4th black person I knew who had never heard of it, despite being part of casserole culture. As far as I knew--if you knew about tuna casserole, you should also know about green bean casserole. Not so, though.

Like most people, I make personal adjustments to my green bean casserole. I always use frenched green beans out of a can, and more mushrooms than the recipe calls for (I loves mushers). I use cream of chicken mushroom instead of regular cream of mushroom. I also add sour cream and a healthy couple of shakes of Kraft parmesan. No fresh foods to be found, really. I stir it twice during cooking. Then of course the crunchy onions--which H would put on everything but breakfast cereal if he could.

In other news, my short story, "Raja" has been accepted by an anthology called "Not Your Average Monster." I had a feeling it would be a good fit for them if they liked it. I did a lot of work on this one before submitting, since another pub (that folded before they could publish it) made me edit it down to absurd proportions. So I'm pretty stoked for this fleshed out version to be getting some ink. Yay!