wednes | (no subject)

My brother, Mark came over for dinner today. I made a big stir-fry that turned out really delicious. The cheesecake brownies were delicious too and I sent him home with a couple of sizable ones. I'm starting to sound like one of those grandmotherly-types that keeps telling people to eat, and wants to send them home with big Tupperwares full of food. Not that I have any actual Tupperware. Anyway, there was food, (Bro-ham called my cooking "gourmet") trivia, great conversation. He's such a good guy. H took this awesome picture of us:

I like it very much, although I'm pretty sure having a shine on your face is one of those things chicks are supposed to feel mortified about. And just for fun, here's one of JoJo. He's once again making sure that he's the center of attention.

Not pictured: Pentelope, H.

I've been debating making a conscious choice to stop saying "Mentally ill." I don't care for the phrase, connotatively. More importantly though, I don't think it's accurate. There is no cure for a mental health diagnosis. Even a supposed cure-all like ECT (I've never had ECT, but it's one of my greatest fears in re: The Crazy) doesn't actually make you not mentally ill. Like the common cold, treatments are designed to relieve symptoms so the patient is able to function out in the world. Saying a person is "ill" all the time...forever is goddamn depressing. If I take my meds and do what I'm supposed to, I feel reasonably well most of the time. So calling me "ill" is not accurate. It's not like I'm contagious.
But what to say instead? I'm okay with the word Mental even though the connotation of that is not great in many circles. After trying and rejecting several options I'm almost ready to settle on Mentally Odd. That sounds closest to the truth to me.

My brain chemistry works differently than a lot of other people's. If I want to have a job and maintain relationships the way other people expect and deserve, I have to take pills to alter my brain chemistry. That sounds pretty simple, but socially/politcally/emotionally it opens up a whole can of worms. I know people who literally flinch at hearing the word "crazy." They view it as accusatory and derogatory. They take great offense. It *is* kind of a low-brow way to refer to someone, and when people use it seriously or "half-jokingly"--you can bet it's coming from a combination of ignorance and judgement. The word "crazy" calls to mind images of ranting lunatics in straight jackets, being led away by men in white coats. We now know that not everybody with a mental health diagnosis (verbose phrase, isn't it?) reaches anything close to that point. But some of us do, and we're not entirely comfortable with people not taking it seriously. At the same time, it *can* be pretty fucking funny.

The word "insanity," like "crazy" gets tossed around all too often. Insipid people describe themselves as crazy if they lose their car keys or space out in traffic. That is a far cry from what actual mentally-odd people go through. (Okay, I tried it out there. How'd it sound?) I almost resent people using it casually and untruthfully. I do accept that it's in the vernacular now. More importantly, when people say it, I grok that they are talking about themselves and not me. Still, it's not accurate, just hyperbole. I don't want to be one of those douches who can't take a little hyperbole without getting all Gloria Allred on everyone. ;-]

My final point on insanity today is this: Having a brain chemistry that is different from the average person is a good thing, IMO. Not that I have a choice, but now that I understand what the hell's going on with me I am able to manage it in a way that still allows for feeling the highs and lows of life. I can get to my crazy for writing, and deal with my crazy for say, going to work. And my books really are getting better and better. Like regular people, sometimes it gets to be too much. But I can deal with it, sometimes with a bit of help. I'm not ashamed to ask for help if I need it. In fact, I'm proud that I can now recognize that I need it BEFORE I've done something horrible to fuck up my life. That thing recently was a pretty close call though, I admit. Anyway--I'm not trying to jump on a "we crazy people are sooooo much deeper than you" high horse. Just saying that there are benefits to having a brain that doesn't want you to do the things you think you want to do.
Mentally odd (!) people see the world differently that so-called sane people. We often do feel things with greater intensity than the average person (I almost want to use the word severely. We feel things severely.) and with my diagnosis, dizzying highs and crippling lows. Of course, there are also crippling highs and dizzying lows--which are not as good. The ability to see things in a different way from many is why so many of us become artists of one kind of another. Once we recognize that we have this ability (people usually have to tell us, because we don't tend to realize how different we are on our own) we typically aspire to hone it. People wonder why so many great musicians, actors, etc turn to drugs, or die young, or can't make a marriage last. It's because we're fucking crazy. ;-] Mentally odd people crave the outlet, the expression, the approval--even the applause when all those noisy people aren't scaring the shit out of us. But we also have issues. Scary, scary issues. Seeing things "differently" is natural for us. It's only different when compared to the "sane." But even a differently-mentally-odd partner (damn, it's getting verbose in here again) needs someone with some level of predictability. If we want to live and be around other people, we're better off etching our message of benevolent oddness into the glorious wall of human creativity--shut up, it's a metaphor--than we are etching it into our own collective forearms.

Plus, sometimes, writing a book about murdering people reminds us how wrong it is to actually murder people.

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Oh, please! I'm convinced I caught my own mental illness from you!

That's a really good point. I realize now there were sometimes in my past where I was mentally ill because of depression and/or anxiety. However, being on medication has kept me pretty well mentally healthy, thank God. The topic of the connection between creativity and mental illness is a fascinating one. One of my worries about going on medication was that it would change me and also that it would hamper my creativity. I came to realize that for me, I had to go on medication and stay on it because even if it was true that some of creative ideas were fueled by anxiety or depression, the effects of that on my life were just too destructive not to be on medication. Now I have to go back to obsessively typing 'All work and no play makes Jeff a dull boy." :-D

LOL.

I have had the experience of not being able to write (or cry, or a few other things) because of too much meds. But that just meant I had to talk again with the doc and try something else.

A lot of people settle for that, or try like, two things and give up saying "meds don't work for me." And then, most commonly "I can't go through life feeling like a zombie." If a doctor has said those are the only options, find a new goddamn doc, you know?

I'm very lucky in that my meds don't seem to have any heavy side effects. They just seem to make me function better. I was watching that episode of Law and Order in which a schizophrenic man attacked a bunch of a people with a bayonet. When he later talking with Dr. Olivet, he told how he felt he had to use every ounce of energy he had just to talk with her because the meds he had to take had such heavy side effects, which is why he kept going off of them.

I do adore Dennis O'Hare. He's one of my fave recurring L&O actors. He's also in the American version of REC.

I just looked him up now that I know his name! Yeah, he's great.

Funny you posted this just now - right behind a rant about "mental oddness" and creativity by a painter friend of mine. She's tired of the stereotype that artists have mental health issues, or oddities. People expect her to have them because of her profession, but she doesn't think she or most of her colleagues she knows are any more unstable or "odd" than anyone else really. Just creative people who are able to put food on the table without having another job besides their art creating. Doesn't take away from what you wrote, just a tangent.

Anyway, I've tried to eliminate "crazy" and "insane" from my vocabulary in fear of offending the mentally odd, but I never found satisfying alternatives to them. It doesn't help that in my mind I mate those with Finnish words that are politically correct. Don't know why I can't shake the false connections.

Some things are pretty deeply ingrained, I guess.

Societally, the main difference between insanity and genius is success. I heard that watching Criminal Minds. ;-]

I read your story, read the back-story of brother, Chad, and got *totally* amuse-weirded out. My STBXH had a severely abusive childhood, and has two brothers - the older one named Mark, the youngest named Chad, and that's mirror-weird: His Mark if the not-so-great brother, while his Chad is heavily misguided but possessed of a good heart.

Strange.

Anyway, I agree with what you said re: mental oddity. I am also Odd, and so far my Oddness is resistant to meds, which is as well for me because it makes me try other options... but Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, and Depression are all harder to deal with when capitalized. I resent my diagnoses. :)

Whoa, that's wild about the names.

I can certainly understand resenting a diagnosis that prevents you (or at least, makes it extremely difficult) to do the things you need or want to. Finding the right med was a long and difficult process for me, but well worth it.

Awww! I'm glad y'all had a good time! He's CUTE! And oddly familiar... Anyway, you look happy!

I have nothing helpful to say on mental oddness, but just because I teach the stuff the professor in me is dying to point out there there are many incurable medical illnesses. The non-professor part of me just wants to be supportive. *hug*

Thanks!

Not sure how other people deal with it, but there are a great many discouraged people with mental oddness. They don't see the point of even going to the doctor because they've already been told that they can't be cured. I guess the key is that "can't be cured" isn't the same as "can't be helped."

mental diabetes! it's mental diabetes! just because you can't be cured does not mean you should not take your insulin!

Wednes, I love you and I love your brain. Whatever your brain needs to function so that you are a happy and healthy Wednes is good, in my estimation. I'm glad modern science has progressed to the point that assisting the Mentally Odd to manage their lives in a pleasant & productive manner is not only possible, but accepted and encouraged.

((hugs))

This was a really excellent post. Thanks for it.

Thanks man. I'm rather fond of you as well.

I left the post unlocked so people could share it if they wanted to.

Neurochemically atypical. Or Neurochemically unbalanced. Not only are they less connotative of something that can be cured, they are more specific and thus accurate of what's going on in our heads. We have a neurochemical imbalance (or two or five). We are neurochemically atypical. We take meds to balance things, but there's no operation you can do to fix it, and it's not something that's going to balance itself out in a week or year or decade.

It's similar to type I diabetes, really, where we just don't produce (enough) of a certain chemical (or two or five) (or too much of another) for us to work right. Drugs work, especially in combination with proper diet, exercise, sleep, etc, but ultimately this is something that will never go away.

And when that's too wordy and clinical, I just call myself "fucked in the head".

:D

(If/When I ever get diabetes, I will call myself "fucked in the pancreas".)

I like that, too.
Simple and to the point.

I hear you man. And those are good terms. Not sure they would work for me, since people I encounter already think I use "too many college words." ;-]

That's really it for me. If I'm going to have this medical moniker for the rest of my life, I want to be really happy with it.