wednes | Vampire Quandry

As you all know, I'm a zombie fan. Vampires, not so much. I've never touched a Twilight book, though I do enjoy the Jeanne Kalogridis stuff a great deal. I'm also not a big fans of crowds or being on my feet for hours and hours. I'm also not much of a goth chick. Frankly, by the time Goth was a real thing, I was pretty much over the suicidal, wearing-only-black, slave-to-Morrissey/Robert Smith thing. Plus you could never tell by looking at me that I was at all gothy, because I wasn't allowed to buy my own clothes until I was in my 20's. But I digest...

There's this thing coming up called The Vampire Ball that's gonna be in Flint. I'm always saying I need to get out and do more book promoting. It's stupid that I haven't sold more books by now. Without sounding like a dick, my first novel is fucking excellent and should be read by a lot more people. Of course, A Stabbing for Sadie it's not a vampire novel; but there will be plenty of horror fans at this thing. It'd likely be good for marketing. They are looking for people to donate signed books and swag. H could almost certainly make me some good swag by then. Plus, I can probably get a fun posse together to share my joy.

My dilemmas are as follows: What if I get there and it's a horrible uncomfortable environment? I'd be trapped. What if I end up looking more ridiculous than I'll surely feel? Aside from the lead act, What if I'm the oldest person there by like, 15 years? Why can't Finster just fly out to Michigan and escort me? What if I have a panic attack? H says he won't go to this thing no matter what. And why?

Voltaire

H is being all silly and jealous that I want to go meet Voltaire. Like perhaps Voltaire and I will just ditch our real lives and run away to someplace dark together. Honestly, it's not so bad that H thinks I'm such a great catch that any number of amazing men might just be planning to whisk me away. But c'mon. We've been together for over 10 freaking years and he's edgy about me going to a freaking Vampire Ball?!? A pot-headed zombie ball perhaps. ;-] But dude. Seriously.

So yeah, Voltaire is gonna be at this thing. And it's only $20 to get in (is that suspiciously low? seems like it--and it's a fundraiser), and I'd likely only spend about $50 on stuff once I got there. It's not like I'll be buying drinks.
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I'm closing at work tonight and then coming home to write. I really need to do something with my idea to murder my upstairs neighbor because it's the zombie holocaust and my apartment is unsafe. By "do something" I mean write, not plan my alibi. I haven't done any writing since I finished the manuscript at the beginning of August. It's high time I get back into it.

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I bet if you get together a group of folks, you'll have a great time. You know you'll have people to talk to, and people to leave with, if it does turn out to be not so great. You'll get to get your book out in front of people more. And you get to see Voltaire! I don't see the downside to this. : )

I have FEARS!!! Ridiculous, occasionally crippling, not based on anything remotely connected to real-life, fears. That's why

lickingtoad and I have such a deep, mystical understanding of one another.

But I really do need to get over that shit.

I think you can do it. Take a Xanax, take some good friends who understand this stuff, and give yourself permission to leave whenever you want to.

Thanks, man.
I'm beginning preliminary steps toward rounding up a posse.

I would totally be in your posse if I lived nearby. But, of course, I love vampires.

I know, and I get that. What a fun opportunity, though. If you plan it right (go with people you trust, plan escape routes, take a Xanax like

hellamama suggests), it may not be as frightening as you expect, and you'll have at least tried.

And you're another step closer to getting over that shit. Don't let the terrorists win! : )

Just be careful. The heart is a delicate thing. the fact that "nothing could ever happen" is not always what matters when it comes to these sorts of emotional things. It represents something you want that he can't give you. I know you think its not a big deal, but I understand why he's jealous.

Somehow, I had a feeling you would. It's not that I discount his feelings in this matter. If H really asked me not to go, I wouldn't go. I can't imagine though, that he would ever do such a thing. I certainly don't want to do something for myself that leaves H feeling shitty.

At the same time, I do think he's being kind of silly. The idea that I would betray my husband over a romantic infatuation with some animator guy and his guitar...c'mon. I do think this Voltaire guy is really wicked cool, but surely...he's no H. And H should be way far hip to that by now.

Just understand that its not the same thing as "Not trusting you". I have no doubt that he has the deepest trust in you. The real secret to emotion is not that we have them, its what we do with them. :)

I've never been to a vampire ball, but it would most likely be a blast. My dearest wouldn't go with me if Voltaire were going to be there either, he has some weird hatred of Voltaire. I find him to be fracking hilarious! And his music makes me want to dance.

I'd say take a friend, don't force the sweetie to go. Take someone who'll enjoy people watching the fruitloops with you, because there will be plenty of them.

If you want to fit in, I'd say wear some ridiculous corset, with your boobs cinched up to your chin. If you wear things from the hot topic/torrid, you'll fit in with the little kids but the "real goffs" will make fun of you. Evidently, mall goths are the bane. I'd say wear whatever's comfortable - I've seen a lot of folks gothed out in those lovely holy clothing dresses. And the "no fat chicks" t-shirt would be funny as shit.

I used to have a No Fat Chicks shirt I wore to various clubs and such back in the day. Eventually it got pretty worn out, so I'm due for a new one.

Good advice here. I'm going to see about getting a table to sell some books. I keep waiting for that one, magical thing to happen that catapults me to writerly fame. Hasn't happen yet, but whatever it is, it's unlikely to take place in my living room. ;-]

I think you should go and just be Wednes. Bringing a friend who knows vampire stuff would make you feel more comfortable with at least one person being there who ~~knows~~ you're cool even if there's not vampire stuff in your novel. And other people will then realize you are cool too - the Wednes is contageious. Hm. This will also maybe make H realize you're not going to run away because the person you bring will be your date. Actually, K occurred to me for some reason but I think that was the point. A posse would be nice too. I have a sort of AA posse down her and it's kinda cool to go out.

Nice. Yeah, I'm makin' it happen. I need to confirm that Voltaire is really, for sure gonna be there. Then I'm going to see about getting a table to sell books at.

Ok, Wednesday... I have just fallen across your LiveJournal and am reading your posts backwards (just for the fun of it) but I can not let this one go by without a word or two...

I am a fat chick. People like me for who I am, or they judge me for what I look like. I have the same insecurities you mention, but I try to not show it. Here is an analogy to my work environment and my attitude towards social situations... (yes, I use too many elipses... shoot me... :-P)

I am a RN. Part of my job is to start IVs. Not many people I have encountered actually like having an IV started on them (there have been a few, but we won't talk about them at the moment). I am the nurse everyone comes to when they miss on their patients. When I enter the room, I have all my supplies together, sit down IN A CHAIR and get everything in order while chatting the patient up. Before they know it, I am saying "poke" and the IV is in. I have not always been the best IV starter in the facility. Far from it, but I do exude the most confidence. I go in there like I know what I am doing, and I do it. The patient has confidence in me because I ACT like I know my stuff.

How does this relate to being a fat chick? I am a fat chick, I am also one of the most loving and accepting people I have ever encountered. I have a horribly low self esteem about my appearance, but I think highly of the WHO I am versus the WHAT I look like. I am a fiercely loyal friend and tend to be someone who will do anything for anyone. I make cookies for my oil change guys. I have paid a friend electric bill on the sly. I have bailed folks out of jail, sat at bedsides of friend's dying relatives and even stitched up a gun shot wound on someone who just could not get the police involved. I show my awesomness in many ways. I will never be on the cover of Cosmo, nor would I desire to be. I love Beth Ditto from the group The Gossip because she is a fat chick and she is proud. I feel sorry for the people that can't look pass my enormous shell and see the incredible person inside. I am proud of the person I am, and quite frankly, fuck them if they can't see past the physical to see the person. So I go confidently into social situations knowing I will be judged for my outer appearance and those people are the ones that are losing out. I'm a pretty awesome person and if they view my fat ass as undesirable, well, they really are the ones that are losing out. I'll stitch up some other person who sees ME inside, not the cover on my book.

That being said, we really need to get together. It's been 20 years... (more elipses) TOO LONG!

Blessed Be!
Angela Christensen

Hey man, thanks for taking the time to read and to comment so thoughtfully. Putting my insecurities on display can result in amazing things.

You should try to make it out for the Vampire Ball. It's gonna be great! Failing that though, we should totally get together. I don't drive, but do let me know next time you feel like hauling yourself out to Ann Arbor.

Vampire Quandry

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