wednes | Somebody remind me...

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Somebody remind me...

why it's so important to take my meds and be "sane".

Right now it feels like all this work and therapy and meds and crap is just making it so I can get and keep this mediocre job that gets less enjoyable by the day. I realize that work is a huge part of life for most people; maybe I'm just being a big baby about it all. But I hate the fact that I've been through all this counseling and EMDR and other mindfucking work just to get to a point where I can have a crappy job like everybody else.

I think it's the meds that are making me not be able to write like I used to. My "mood swings" as people call them are where all the deep thoughts come from. Mania has it's up side, and depression is great for the writing. Maybe I'm just a sucky writer but was able to fool myself into thinking I was good because I was too crazy to know any better.

My first novel, A Stabbing for Sadie is the best thing I've ever written. Everything else has been mediocre at best. Why? Because I wrote it both utterly without meds and with constant pot smokery. And it's really good. Really, really honest and truthful. It will reach people, it already has. What if I have to go off the meds to be able to write like that again? What happens to the rest of my life then?

So I'm torn between doing what I'm supposed to and just living like an average jerk, or going the tough way without meds or therapy and be the writer I want to be. What to do...

I miss my mood swings. I miss the mania, hell, I even miss the depression and calling in crazy for work. Maybe I'm not explaining this right, I don't have a lot of time now as I've got to go back to work and I'm having menstrual cramps that could kill a small child.

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(I've given this a lot of thought, so here goes.)

If you say "My mental illness is what makes me unique or special," suddenly you're caught in a game of 'My pain is bigger/better/more visceral than your pain.' It's like you're bragging about it, and someone will *always* step up and try to trump you. Human nature.

Most folks have it better, some have it worse. I let it define me for too long, and dealing with it as a *part* of me (and not the start-and-end of me) will always be a struggle. Does being medicated stop me from being a sculptor? Does it make me unable to write? Am I 'less myself?'

I guess pain has to be a part of the process, but it can't be the whole process? What if the amputee who's famous for a series of left arms in bronze gets a prosthetic? 'Sorry, your whole body (ha!) of work is invalid?' It's definitely more complex than that, and it's worth seperating your desire to be a better writer from your desire for a healthy emotional outlook.

I like everything you've ever written. Honestly and for real. I'm biased because I want you to be healthy, but I think I've also been fairly clear about my fanaticism of your writing. I love you!

Well, considering a lot of great writers were hopelessly addicted to opiates there is no doubt something to what you say. The only thing I worry about with your sanity would be if you would do harm to yourself. No amount of great writing is worth it ending in you doing something to injure yourself. I don't know if that's where it would end, but if it did I don't want the thing everyone remembers you for is that great novel you wrote before you lept from a building in a deep depression. I think what I hear you saying though is that you want to be able to WRITE for a living because that is your passion. I certainly support that idea but sadly we are all burdened with the fact that our dreams don't pay the bills. Maybe H is willing to put up with you thru the mania and thru the depression, I don't know. But even if he is, do you really want him to have to? And I think Stephen King has still been able to write even without the drugs (unless he's still secretly taking them) so I don't believe that there is somehow an inner side of you that you can only access when you are stoned. It might be EASIER to access, but I don't think its a locked door without it.

Sanity is just a commonly agreed upon reality. Fight the power! :-)

I'm going to suggests something that may prove unpopular.

All the good work you've done is not about having a day-job. It's about growth. You are now officially out of your comfort zone. Just because that same zone would drive me insane, there's no denying it was your status quo. And as a dramatic being you naturally thrived on all that accompanied your mania.

Of course you could go back to the comfort of the past and the illusion that it made your work better. But it's not the mania that your writing misses. It's the comfort.

From my perspective, it seems vastly smarter to finish growing into your new status quo, reach a point of comfort in it, and then write again from a place of comfort.

Growth is a bitch, no doubt.
And depression is its own sort of death-spiral.

I am very impressed with your hard work, and I hope you'll continue it.

it's worth seperating your desire to be a better writer from your desire for a healthy emotional outlook.

That's really the key isn't it? I only need to be insane when I'm writing, or maybe in social situations. I think I was more fun when I was crazy. But I might just be addicted to the lack of responsibility.

You have, and I thank you.

I just think the non-Sadie work lacks basic truths that I could only get to in my crazy state. It's a certain outlook that I can't seem to capture in my current state of mind. I'll figure it out though, one way or another.

It is largely because of H that I tried my best to get better. Once I got past not being suicidal, that was good enough for me; but I felt H deserved to have someone not-crazy to live with.

As for Steve-o King, I would argue that his earlier work is by far his best, and that it's gotten progessivley worse since his sobriety.

For me though, it isn't even about needing weed as it is wishing I didn't have to take these damn meds. Being on the meds is numbing in many ways and I think keeping me away from my crazy self has it's ups and downs, which is what I'm trying to figure out.

In Group, they like to personify addiction and mental illness as a tangible being that it trying to hurt us. I don't want it to actually hurt me, I just want it to give up it's secrets.

LOL Thanks!

I didn't know you were still around eljay at all.
Nice to see you!

I think you may be onto something here.

Well, I'm certainly not "Anti-Pot" by any means. I used to really like the stuff. If my last high hadn't been a really bad trip I'd be looking to score some right now. I guess my hope would be that you could come to some sort of happy medium with the meds. I don't know if that's realistic or anything not being a doctor, but I can certainly understand not wanting to feel numb. I don't think the goal is supposed to be You as a Vulcan. (though the ears might look pretty hot)

I would say that his writing got worse after his accident. I think his impending mortality put a rush on everything. The Dark Tower series for example feels rushed after his accident and is not nearly as satisfying to me.

I think Delores Claiborne and Misery are among his last truly great books. He was missing the mark by say, Gerald's Game which reads more like an interesting excersize than a horror novel.

The other problem with the meds is that I'm afraid to tweak them because I don't want to mess up my job, which can totally happen. The doctors don't know so much, they are just guessing and experimenting based on theories.

I'm not... I'm a figment of the collective imagination. see my entry. I'm just doing a drive-by ;-)

Fear is always the biggest enemy of creativity, but being outside one's comfort zone is always hard.

Interestingly, the local mr. Palaniuk always goes outside his comfort zone to write - immersing himself in hospitals, et al.

That's something I should seek out, the advice of other crazy writers with addictions.

I bet Chris Moore smokes a lot of pot and is bi-polar. I think I'll ask him.

It's not just writers either. It's all manner of creative types.

There's little difference between writing and painting (or sculpting et al.) beyond the output.

Yeah, that's true. I know a crazy sculptor and he's one of my favorite people in the world.

Id you ever read Harold and Maude?
The pieces about Glaucus the ice sculptor are priceless. They're hinted at in the film, but not told quite so well as in the book.

I've always felt that I was missing whatever that is in the brain that allows for truly original creatiion. Fundamentally I can paint, or write, or sing. But the end product is not MINE - I always someone else.

Now I think perhaps it is the mania that I am missing! I am crazy for sure, but it's more about control and organization and routine than about emotion. Wednesday on meds probably feels a lot like Breana on a normal day. I'm cute, but I'm not creative. I'm totally seeing this thing from another direction.

Of course you feel weird and frustrated. I would feel weird and frustrated in a different brain too!

I haven't read it, I've just seen the movie a zillion times. I'll have to check it out.

*grumble* that should say I always COPY someone else. Maybe I CAN'T write after all...

That's very interesting. I'm going to think about it some more.

But yeah, weird and frustrated is about how I feel.

The movie is almost identical to the book. But as such you should enjoy it as much as I did. :)

Maybe you aren't copying them, your work is just inspired by them. Inspiration is a good thing.

Mania does not equal creativity.
If there was a test for that, i would be that test. I'm both creative and successful despite a total lack of mania, or drugs, alcohol, coffee or tea.

The two are so often conflated by a society that thinks "ART" is real and that "artists" are special. That's just the same societal BS that makes Paris Hilton or OJ SImpson "newsworthy".

It's a craft. And everyone is welcome.
You could argue that the wild, foolish, manic and bizarre are more welcome than boring folks like me, but I think the truth is the exact reverse. Those good folks are actually so much LESS welcome anywhere else that they seem to have the market on creativity cornered. :)

Just waving hello to an other BSG and Gaetafan, do you like fanfiction ? ;-)

I can't say either way, since I only have a sample size of one on each side. Perhaps if I had more data, I could regress creative product with incidence of mania. That's more my speed, anyway.

Greetings!

You know, I had a very strong anti-fanfic stance until a friend introduced me to a few truly compelling fanfics. So now I'm on the fence, depending on writing quality. I've even read some slash that wasn't too bad.

I´d like to hear feedback on my BSGstorys, don´t know wether they are good or not, one is posted at gaeta_squee, the rest is in my LJ. You seem to be a good critic, because you´ve written more than me ;-)

But sometimes I think people just expect to much of fanfiction in general.

I like Stephen King as well.

I don't have a lot of time to read online, since I work full time and try to write in my free time.

But I'll see what I can do. ;-]

http://fuyu-icons.livejournal.com/38673.html#cutid1

JAWS
http://fuyu-icons.livejournal.com/32469.html#cutid1

even older MONKEES icons
http://fuyu-icons.livejournal.com/22021.html#cutid1
http://fuyu-icons.livejournal.com/20076.html#cutid1

Sweet, thanks!

Wow, some of those are really great.

Enjoy! :-D

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Somebody remind me...

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Icon Hunting, off topic.......

Icon Hunting, off topic....... Part Deux

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Re: Icon Hunting, off topic....... Part Deux

Re: Icon Hunting, off topic....... Part Deux