![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Somebody remind me...
why it's so important to take my meds and be "sane".
Right now it feels like all this work and therapy and meds and crap is just making it so I can get and keep this mediocre job that gets less enjoyable by the day. I realize that work is a huge part of life for most people; maybe I'm just being a big baby about it all. But I hate the fact that I've been through all this counseling and EMDR and other mindfucking work just to get to a point where I can have a crappy job like everybody else.
I think it's the meds that are making me not be able to write like I used to. My "mood swings" as people call them are where all the deep thoughts come from. Mania has it's up side, and depression is great for the writing. Maybe I'm just a sucky writer but was able to fool myself into thinking I was good because I was too crazy to know any better.
My first novel, A Stabbing for Sadie is the best thing I've ever written. Everything else has been mediocre at best. Why? Because I wrote it both utterly without meds and with constant pot smokery. And it's really good. Really, really honest and truthful. It will reach people, it already has. What if I have to go off the meds to be able to write like that again? What happens to the rest of my life then?
So I'm torn between doing what I'm supposed to and just living like an average jerk, or going the tough way without meds or therapy and be the writer I want to be. What to do...
I miss my mood swings. I miss the mania, hell, I even miss the depression and calling in crazy for work. Maybe I'm not explaining this right, I don't have a lot of time now as I've got to go back to work and I'm having menstrual cramps that could kill a small child.
Right now it feels like all this work and therapy and meds and crap is just making it so I can get and keep this mediocre job that gets less enjoyable by the day. I realize that work is a huge part of life for most people; maybe I'm just being a big baby about it all. But I hate the fact that I've been through all this counseling and EMDR and other mindfucking work just to get to a point where I can have a crappy job like everybody else.
I think it's the meds that are making me not be able to write like I used to. My "mood swings" as people call them are where all the deep thoughts come from. Mania has it's up side, and depression is great for the writing. Maybe I'm just a sucky writer but was able to fool myself into thinking I was good because I was too crazy to know any better.
My first novel, A Stabbing for Sadie is the best thing I've ever written. Everything else has been mediocre at best. Why? Because I wrote it both utterly without meds and with constant pot smokery. And it's really good. Really, really honest and truthful. It will reach people, it already has. What if I have to go off the meds to be able to write like that again? What happens to the rest of my life then?
So I'm torn between doing what I'm supposed to and just living like an average jerk, or going the tough way without meds or therapy and be the writer I want to be. What to do...
I miss my mood swings. I miss the mania, hell, I even miss the depression and calling in crazy for work. Maybe I'm not explaining this right, I don't have a lot of time now as I've got to go back to work and I'm having menstrual cramps that could kill a small child.
no subject
I didn't know you were still around eljay at all.
Nice to see you!
no subject