Somebody remind me...

[wednes]

why it's so important to take my meds and be "sane".

Right now it feels like all this work and therapy and meds and crap is just making it so I can get and keep this mediocre job that gets less enjoyable by the day. I realize that work is a huge part of life for most people; maybe I'm just being a big baby about it all. But I hate the fact that I've been through all this counseling and EMDR and other mindfucking work just to get to a point where I can have a crappy job like everybody else.

I think it's the meds that are making me not be able to write like I used to. My "mood swings" as people call them are where all the deep thoughts come from. Mania has it's up side, and depression is great for the writing. Maybe I'm just a sucky writer but was able to fool myself into thinking I was good because I was too crazy to know any better.

My first novel, A Stabbing for Sadie is the best thing I've ever written. Everything else has been mediocre at best. Why? Because I wrote it both utterly without meds and with constant pot smokery. And it's really good. Really, really honest and truthful. It will reach people, it already has. What if I have to go off the meds to be able to write like that again? What happens to the rest of my life then?

So I'm torn between doing what I'm supposed to and just living like an average jerk, or going the tough way without meds or therapy and be the writer I want to be. What to do...

I miss my mood swings. I miss the mania, hell, I even miss the depression and calling in crazy for work. Maybe I'm not explaining this right, I don't have a lot of time now as I've got to go back to work and I'm having menstrual cramps that could kill a small child.

Comments

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

I'm going to suggests something that may prove unpopular.

All the good work you've done is not about having a day-job. It's about growth. You are now officially out of your comfort zone. Just because that same zone would drive me insane, there's no denying it was your status quo. And as a dramatic being you naturally thrived on all that accompanied your mania.

Of course you could go back to the comfort of the past and the illusion that it made your work better. But it's not the mania that your writing misses. It's the comfort.

From my perspective, it seems vastly smarter to finish growing into your new status quo, reach a point of comfort in it, and then write again from a place of comfort.

Growth is a bitch, no doubt.
And depression is its own sort of death-spiral.

I am very impressed with your hard work, and I hope you'll continue it.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I think you may be onto something here.

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

Fear is always the biggest enemy of creativity, but being outside one's comfort zone is always hard.

Interestingly, the local mr. Palaniuk always goes outside his comfort zone to write - immersing himself in hospitals, et al.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That's something I should seek out, the advice of other crazy writers with addictions.

I bet Chris Moore smokes a lot of pot and is bi-polar. I think I'll ask him.

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

It's not just writers either. It's all manner of creative types.

There's little difference between writing and painting (or sculpting et al.) beyond the output.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's true. I know a crazy sculptor and he's one of my favorite people in the world.

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

Id you ever read Harold and Maude?
The pieces about Glaucus the ice sculptor are priceless. They're hinted at in the film, but not told quite so well as in the book.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I haven't read it, I've just seen the movie a zillion times. I'll have to check it out.

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

The movie is almost identical to the book. But as such you should enjoy it as much as I did. :)

[thehula.livejournal.com]

I've always felt that I was missing whatever that is in the brain that allows for truly original creatiion. Fundamentally I can paint, or write, or sing. But the end product is not MINE - I always someone else.

Now I think perhaps it is the mania that I am missing! I am crazy for sure, but it's more about control and organization and routine than about emotion. Wednesday on meds probably feels a lot like Breana on a normal day. I'm cute, but I'm not creative. I'm totally seeing this thing from another direction.

Of course you feel weird and frustrated. I would feel weird and frustrated in a different brain too!

[thehula.livejournal.com]

*grumble* that should say I always COPY someone else. Maybe I CAN'T write after all...

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Maybe you aren't copying them, your work is just inspired by them. Inspiration is a good thing.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That's very interesting. I'm going to think about it some more.

But yeah, weird and frustrated is about how I feel.

[leemoyer.livejournal.com]

Mania does not equal creativity.
If there was a test for that, i would be that test. I'm both creative and successful despite a total lack of mania, or drugs, alcohol, coffee or tea.

The two are so often conflated by a society that thinks "ART" is real and that "artists" are special. That's just the same societal BS that makes Paris Hilton or OJ SImpson "newsworthy".

It's a craft. And everyone is welcome.
You could argue that the wild, foolish, manic and bizarre are more welcome than boring folks like me, but I think the truth is the exact reverse. Those good folks are actually so much LESS welcome anywhere else that they seem to have the market on creativity cornered. :)

[thehula.livejournal.com]

I can't say either way, since I only have a sample size of one on each side. Perhaps if I had more data, I could regress creative product with incidence of mania. That's more my speed, anyway.