wednes | Why Van Helsing sucked after all: (contains spoilers, like it fucking matters)

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Why Van Helsing sucked after all: (contains spoilers, like it fucking matters)

Obviously we went to see Van Helsing today. I knew that it would suck, I mean come on. This movie was supposed to have Anthony Hopkins in it, plus it was supposed to be about the REAL Van Helsing, whose name is Abraham, BTW. In case you didn't know, Abraham Van Helsing is so named because Bram Stoker named him after himself...Bram being short for Abraham.

When the film started, there was this B&W flashback scene done with such outlandish melodrama that I thought perhaps I just wasn't aware that the film was supposed to be veiwed ironically. But no...they were serious. So there's a young man with no past to speak of who was recruited by 18th century monks with video projectors and crazy james-bond style gadgets. The main chick wears a skin tight corset but nothing to protect her heart or neck...which is odd behavior for someone who is constantly being chased by vampire brides.

Speaking of vampire brides, did you know that vampire brides have intercourse with Dracula (who also had the wrong first name...though was much closer this time) and produce dead demon babies who live in the eggs from the alien movies. Aparently, they need a Frankenstien monster to bring them all back, because dont' you know Victor Frankenstein is from Transylvania?

Horrible one liners and dialogue so crappy, you'd think you were watching Evil Dead round out this horrible film. The editing is awful, as is the CGI. In fact, the CGI not only looks bad, but is used to often that it keeps you from giving a crap about the characters...not that you would anyway since none of them display any motivation or method acting whatsoever.

And like the Mummy movies, there is an unfunny, irritating comic releif guy who cracks lame jokes which are totally outside the time period thru the whole film. By the end, he actually ends up in a jester suit. too bad he is not ordered boiled in oil. Actually, I could go on and on but its time to watch Law & Order, and I'm jonesing for a good performance.

Also, Alan Silvestri does a nice job with the score.
Why is it though, whenever I go see a film some asshole is laughing loudly at every stupid unfunny joke in the film? What is this guys problem, and how does he always end up in the same theatre as me, two rows behind?

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God this movie sounds really irritating. Im glad it didnt do as well as it was predicted to do. Could it be from people pirating it on the internet, or is it the fact that the movie really sucks? I'm guessing it has less to do with people downloading it, and more to do with the sucking.

Yes, I figured from the trailers tht it wouldn't be great. but i thought it would still be entertaining on some level.

the only thing they didn't completely screw up was Frankenstiens monster. He was good, and the little bit with Mr hyde was not too terrible, but same awful dialogue and poor editing.

Even with VERY low expectations it was disappointing.

Oh man, I totally called that one.

I thought it would be bad, but not this spectacularly bad.
it was offensive in its badness.

Even Troy doesn't look like it will be that bad.

this stupid site.

Yes...the SITE...
;-)

And Troy looks like it could have some redeeming qualities, Brendan Gleeson for example. But yeah, it'll be pretty boys in tunics on parade.

And lots of speechifying about epic deeds of heroism.

Even Troy doesn't look like it will be that bad.

Even Troy doesn't look like it will be that bad.

Even Troy doesn't look like it will be that bad.

...With the little boy who is adopted by this mean-ol' vampire couple, and later finds out he was born to werewolves?

At the end he says "I know what vampires are REALLY afraid of"..then he turns into a tiny werewolf and kills them...

...See, it wasn't an 'original' idea after all! ;)

What?!? Not original...you jest.

Actually, that ep of TftC starred my hero, Larry Drake as the butler Tobias. Sadly, he got killed rying to save the boy.

I read your reveiw of VH. Spot on!

In my experience, any film which sells itself on the CGI content in the trailer is generally going to be horribly lacking in the creativity and originality department.

I gave Van Helsing the widest possible berth after (a) being totally underwhelmed by the trailer, (b) watching the festering pile of wank that was Underworld and taking a solemn vow never to watch another film featuring Kate Beckinsale and vampires.

Looks like I was right.

I saw Van Helsing...sometimes the freakin' vampire wives were 2D instead of 3D cgi. Dracula was not cool, but I did love Frankenstein's monster. Hyde was Robbie Coltraine, and he's an excellent dude, however breif his role may have been.
I totally concurr in regards to the monks Q-laboratory...I was half expecting the corpse of Desmond Llewelin to pop out and berate Van Helsing as 007.
Kate Beckinsale did have nice outfits though. Her hair was not cool, but the clothes looked great. Hugh Jackman also LOOKED cool.

When i want cool looking things, I'll watch music videos, not feature films.

What's up at the station?

Why is it though, whenever I go see a film some asshole is laughing loudly at every stupid unfunny joke in the film? What is this guys problem, and how does he always end up in the same theatre as me, two rows behind?

Sorry, that was me.

I'd have reconginized you from your pic. This guy was like Cape Fear minus the cigar.

Perhaps you should have more realistic expectation when you go to see a movie.

Like, that is should be GOOD?

I'm really at a loss for why you are so vehement in defending this pic. It's fluffy trash, ans not even entertaining trash at that. It would even be fine as trash, if it was about Bob the Vampire and not Count Dracula.

I'm not defending the movie. I'm just saying that when a movie is exactly what is advertised you really have no justifiable complaint. You knew exactly what the movie was and you saw it anyway, if you want someone to blame for the movie look in the mirror.

"It would even be fine as trash, if it was about Bob the Vampire and not Count Dracula."
It is fine as trash. Your opinion is not the end all, be all of movie going.

Sure it is, that's why I get paid for it. ;-)

It was advirtised as being exciting and thrilling. Did you really think it was? And when one says Van Helsing and shows him talking to Dracula, you are not out of line to assume that they mean the Van Helsing commonly associated with Dracula, not a made up one.

And in case you forogt, I have to see a film a week for work. It was between VH and 13 going on 30.

It was EXACTLY what I expected.

"And when one says Van Helsing and shows him talking to Dracula, you are not out of line to assume that they mean the Van Helsing commonly associated with Dracula, not a made up one."
That would make sense if Anthony Hopkins had played Van Helsing. But when you found out that Hugh Jackman was staring as Han Helsing, all assumptions went out the window.

Don't give me any BS, you chose to see Van Helsing. You could have tried to suspend disbelief, forget your assumptions, and accept the movie for what it was. Instead you continue to complain that the movie wasn't what you expected, when you had no reason to expect any more than what it was.

I simply don't agree with you. Even The Mummy had its entertaining aspects, this movie really didn't.

I never contested your opinion. I simply intended to impart that most of your issues are about things that we knew would be issues from the trailer.

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