Why Van Helsing sucked after all: (contains spoilers, like it fucking matters)

[wednes]

Obviously we went to see Van Helsing today. I knew that it would suck, I mean come on. This movie was supposed to have Anthony Hopkins in it, plus it was supposed to be about the REAL Van Helsing, whose name is Abraham, BTW. In case you didn't know, Abraham Van Helsing is so named because Bram Stoker named him after himself...Bram being short for Abraham.

When the film started, there was this B&W flashback scene done with such outlandish melodrama that I thought perhaps I just wasn't aware that the film was supposed to be veiwed ironically. But no...they were serious. So there's a young man with no past to speak of who was recruited by 18th century monks with video projectors and crazy james-bond style gadgets. The main chick wears a skin tight corset but nothing to protect her heart or neck...which is odd behavior for someone who is constantly being chased by vampire brides.

Speaking of vampire brides, did you know that vampire brides have intercourse with Dracula (who also had the wrong first name...though was much closer this time) and produce dead demon babies who live in the eggs from the alien movies. Aparently, they need a Frankenstien monster to bring them all back, because dont' you know Victor Frankenstein is from Transylvania?

Horrible one liners and dialogue so crappy, you'd think you were watching Evil Dead round out this horrible film. The editing is awful, as is the CGI. In fact, the CGI not only looks bad, but is used to often that it keeps you from giving a crap about the characters...not that you would anyway since none of them display any motivation or method acting whatsoever.

And like the Mummy movies, there is an unfunny, irritating comic releif guy who cracks lame jokes which are totally outside the time period thru the whole film. By the end, he actually ends up in a jester suit. too bad he is not ordered boiled in oil. Actually, I could go on and on but its time to watch Law & Order, and I'm jonesing for a good performance.

Also, Alan Silvestri does a nice job with the score.
Why is it though, whenever I go see a film some asshole is laughing loudly at every stupid unfunny joke in the film? What is this guys problem, and how does he always end up in the same theatre as me, two rows behind?