La La Lalalala LA Lalala LA!

[wednes]

H and I were watching some trailers last night, as we sometimes do.
I saw that Comcast had the trailer for the new Smurfs movie that's coming up.

"Don't watch it, I'm serious." H tells me.

"Oh C'mon," I say, "Hank Azaria is in it. He's not going to make a movie that's absolute shit."

"Just remember that I warned you..." H says.

I watched it. No Hank Azaria in the trailer. No Gargamel at all, in fact.
The Smurfs were...and I am NOT even shitting you: NEW YORK.
New. Fucking. York.

That is wrong on every conceivable level.

Honestly, I'd rather they just turned Smurfs into a porno if that's what they're gonna do with the rights they bought. At least a porno won't be insulting my intelligence, or making a mockery of something that--okay, something that wasn't that great in the first place.
If any of you actually remember the creation of Smurfette and how that all went down, you'll know that the Smurfs are not exactly great for kids.

Smurfs have got kind of a redneck sensibility. Everybody has a rigid labor role. One guy is the unquestioned leader. There is one enemy that everyone feels the same way about. And every time brainy tries to talk some sense into his fellow Smurfs, they throw him in the air until he lands upside-down and breaks his glasses. Right. I'm sure the other Smurfs also want to see Brainy's original birth certificate.

I really wish I could Unwatch the trailer.
Since I can't, I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to...
...oh fuck it. I'm just gonna complain and then take a nap when I get home.

Comments

[dark_mark]

Wow. As I started reading, I was forming a kind of rebuttal, along the lines of "Sure, it'll be total shit, but it's probably a stoner movie and with the right preparation it'll be okay..."

But no. That sounds awful.

I LOVE the redneck mentality! I had never thought of that before. It's totally what they're about.

Not familiar with the Smurfette story but I guess I don't really care.

[wednes]

Oh, but you should. You see...Gargamel realized he couldn't destroy the Smurfs, so he set out to make them destroy themselves. He made a dark-haired lady Smurf and dropped her into the village, knowing they would all fight over her. They did. And when they realized that she was the reason they were all fighting, they shunned her.

Then...Papa Smurf did some Smurf magic on her to make her good and kind. Guess what? It also gave her long, blonde hair and a winning smile. Hooray! She was beautiful and good, but they also all stopped fighting over her for some reason. And they all lived happily ever whatever.

[dark_mark]

Oh.

Yeah, that's bad.

Gotta appreciate in on one level, though. If I had tried to write a story demonstrating that (1) The only way men disagree with each other is when women are involved, (2) If men fight over a woman, it is because there is something wrong with her, and (3) The way to fix what is wrong with her is to make her blonde and beautiful; I couldn't have done it.

Thanks for sharing.

[diachrony]

"Right. I'm sure the other Smurfs also want to see Brainy's original birth certificate."

BWAH!!!

[wednes]

;-]