wednes | I bully bullies!

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I must confess that I have hurt people's feelings with my flip wit. It took me a long time to realize that just because something is timely and hilarious, it may or may NOT need to be exclaimed in front of a room full of people. I do think some people need to laugh at themselves more, even as I recognize that it's not my job to facilitate that if they aren't willing.

I have always been possessed of a rather biting sarcasm which I'm told is how angry people go about looking less angry than they are. When I was a very young kid, I tended to find a weaker kid and bully them--thinking I was being both strong and smart. Apparently this is common in kids who are getting smacked around a lot. It hadn't occurred to me that I might be a bully. I remember once hitting this girl on the head with a broom handle--then being surprised when she started crying. I had no real understanding of how my behavior affected others, or that I had the power to hurt people since usually, I felt completely powerless. I just didn't think I was important enough, particularly with my mother's constant message of "you're nothing special so stop pretending that you are."

These days, bulling is one of my hot-button issues, like abuse in general. This is particularly true when abusers (and even bystanders) blame the victim. Few things make me more pissed than when people are mistreated--then blamed because they don't take it well. The "you're being overly sensitive (of my dicketry)" excuse for being a fucking bully makes me choke on my own rage. I saw a T-shirt once that said RELAX, I'm just being a total asshole that I sorely wanted to buy for someone I think is a big, mean, bully. And of course, this person's lack of self esteem is both obvious and crippling. Kids don't always know better, but if you're 30, you have no fucking excuse.

In other news, I had a marketing stroke of genius this weekend. I'm putting together an audiobook sampler of some short stories and opening novel chapters. I'm gonna sell them for cheap and use it to hook people not just to my books, but to the podcast of the new novel I'm putting together. A guy I went to college with has agreed to read Mikey. And I'm still auditioning people for the Narrator. A couple of peeps asked about reading short stories, so I've sent out a bit of that as well. I'm hoping to record a Sadie chapter tonight or tomorrow, depending on how long it takes me. H is designing the cover and the CD's themselves (I got white-top ones so they can be printed on), and I ordered the discs and cases yesterday. So that is well under way. Happily, we'll be including a selection read by

swayworn, and hopefully one read by

porcelain72 as well.

Work-wise, I typed up a 3-4 page proposal on Saturday to further my sinister plan to rewrite some catalog copy. It contained many frank opinions and some specific examples of the kind of things I want to focus on. Hopefully it will be well received.

I bully bullies!

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