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Sgt. Rutter's Only Darts Club Band:
You know how sometimes someone will put a thought in your head and it'll just stay with you and fester until it's difficult to think about anything else? I'm having one of those days. You see, my good friend ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lickingtoad just brought up the idea of how we compare ourselves to other people our own age, maybe people we went to school with or who grew up near us. For those of us with mental health issues, we get slapped in the face with the idea of how different our lives would be if only we weren't so sick--or in some cases--if we'd been diagnosed correctly the first couple of times we sought help.
I'm totally stuck in a rut of anger, I'm really pissed about how many people I know--people who aren't any smarter or more talented than I, who have successful lives and careers and money to do cool things with. Meanwhile H and I can't afford a freakin' iPod or something as simple as a trip to Philly to meet his family. If I were "normal" or even "average" things would be very different.
Not sure if all this wondering and pissyness isn't just an excuse for how poorly my life is going. Deep down though, I don't think it is. After all, I've only been on proper medication with a proper diagnosis for three of my thirty six years on this planet. I've only been away from daily abuse for eight years, and I've only been getting treatment for past trauma for a year or so. This doesn't even count all the times I've been put on exactly the wrong meds for my condition because male doctors refused to listen to me or believe what I was telling them.
Now of course my life is comprised of me trying to get some happy, and then waiting for the other shoe to drop once I get some. All I can think about is what's going to come along next to fuck up the scraps of goodness I've managed to grab. It keeps me from enjoying anything, and makes me angry at anyone who has it better than me (the way I see it). And it's very, VERY annoying.
This suggests that your writing style is simplistic
(to communicate well you should aim for a figure between 10 and 20).
Your blog has 23 sentences per entry, which suggests your general message is distinguished by verbosity
(writing for the web should be concise).
CHARACTER MATRIX
Your text shows characteristics which are 57% male and 43% female
(for more information see the Gender Genie).
Looking at pronoun indicators, you write mainly about yourself, then the world in general and finally your social circle. Also, your writing focuses primarily on the present, next the past and lastly the future.
Find out what your blogging style is like!
In other news, I hear The Simpsons movie is great. And I even heard it from REAL Simpsons fans, not all those creeps that say the show hasn't been good in years. Which generally means they haven't taken the time to watch. Anyway, H says he wants to go, so maybe we will.
lickingtoad just brought up the idea of how we compare ourselves to other people our own age, maybe people we went to school with or who grew up near us. For those of us with mental health issues, we get slapped in the face with the idea of how different our lives would be if only we weren't so sick--or in some cases--if we'd been diagnosed correctly the first couple of times we sought help. I'm totally stuck in a rut of anger, I'm really pissed about how many people I know--people who aren't any smarter or more talented than I, who have successful lives and careers and money to do cool things with. Meanwhile H and I can't afford a freakin' iPod or something as simple as a trip to Philly to meet his family. If I were "normal" or even "average" things would be very different.
Not sure if all this wondering and pissyness isn't just an excuse for how poorly my life is going. Deep down though, I don't think it is. After all, I've only been on proper medication with a proper diagnosis for three of my thirty six years on this planet. I've only been away from daily abuse for eight years, and I've only been getting treatment for past trauma for a year or so. This doesn't even count all the times I've been put on exactly the wrong meds for my condition because male doctors refused to listen to me or believe what I was telling them.
Now of course my life is comprised of me trying to get some happy, and then waiting for the other shoe to drop once I get some. All I can think about is what's going to come along next to fuck up the scraps of goodness I've managed to grab. It keeps me from enjoying anything, and makes me angry at anyone who has it better than me (the way I see it). And it's very, VERY annoying.
The Blogalyser reveals...
Your blog/web page text has an overall readability index of 10.This suggests that your writing style is simplistic
(to communicate well you should aim for a figure between 10 and 20).
Your blog has 23 sentences per entry, which suggests your general message is distinguished by verbosity
(writing for the web should be concise).
CHARACTER MATRIX
| male |   | female |
| self |    | world |
| past |    | future |
Your text shows characteristics which are 57% male and 43% female
(for more information see the Gender Genie).
Looking at pronoun indicators, you write mainly about yourself, then the world in general and finally your social circle. Also, your writing focuses primarily on the present, next the past and lastly the future.
Find out what your blogging style is like!
In other news, I hear The Simpsons movie is great. And I even heard it from REAL Simpsons fans, not all those creeps that say the show hasn't been good in years. Which generally means they haven't taken the time to watch. Anyway, H says he wants to go, so maybe we will.
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Your eyes sparkle with kindness and love every time I see you hold a kitty, or one of Kim and Nate's kids, and AND, you have AWESOME TASTE in movies!!!
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(Anonymous) 2007-07-29 12:13 am (UTC)(link)no subject
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The amazing thing about you is that I figure the healing needs at least the same amount of time and energy put into it as was put into the abuse and hardship. While I recognize that I'll never have an absolute knowledge of the suffering you've experienced - it seems to me your years ahead of yourself where healing and taking life by the horns is concerned.
Even just looking at you're writing. You've always wanted to - now you are. Take that...Guernica! Nothing says healing like doing what you damn well please.
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For a minute I was afraid I was going to have to sleuth it out.
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As for the other stuff.. Well, all I can say is the grass is always greener. I understand what you mean about not being able to afford things, but there always seems to be a price to pay for success in one form or another. While it may seem absurd, sometimes having money and nobody to spend it on sucks too. And your money will never love and cherish you. Neither will your iPod.. and Philly? pshaw.. ;) So I say, enjoy the love. :)
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Yeah, I could really stand to relax about all the other stuff. I need to stop looking at me through the eyes of my parents and see me as I actually am. I'm not so bad, I guess. I just feel like I should be more successful.
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FWIW I think your beard looks fine how it is.