Dang.

[wednes]

Someone on my flist died yesterday. It's odd how much loss you can feel for a person you've never met. Not odd really, because many of you know I was a blubbering mess after Steve irwin died. In fact, I still haven't been able to watch him on TV, the very idea makes me too sad.

I was not pariticualrly close to this person, I just thought she was cool. We talked on a variety of political, social, and cultural topics...you know, like people do around here. Always articulate, intelligent, kind, and witty.
And gone...

May you find bliss in the next life, soundcraft!

Comments

[princezna.livejournal.com]

That's so sad. What happened to her? She seems like she was really cool.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

She had cancer. I was reading her flist today, so many people had touching things to say...stories and stuff. It was sad...

[ex-jenniepan481.livejournal.com]

that is sad..I really dont know how I would deal with something like that. I hope she finds peace.

[lostsatellite.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend...I read through a few entries on her friends page, and it sounds like she was a remarkable person...it made me cry without having known her at all...

[wednes.livejournal.com]

The weird thing is that I feel bad even feeling bad about it. Lots of people she knew in real life are "really" hurting, if that makes sense.

[lostsatellite.livejournal.com]

yes, that makes sense, but at the same time everybody experiences grief in their own way...just because you didn't know her as well as others doesn't mean that you don't mourn her loss in some way...

I actually learned of a death yesterday too...someone who used to live in my neighborhood who hadn't seen in years...he was the brother (turns out to actually be cousin, but I don't think I ever knew that) of a girl my age who used to live three doors down from me...(incidentally, she's married to the son of my supervisor, and that's how I learned of it since no obituary has ran yet)...I remember him as a teenager walking around the neighborhood...I think he even had a paper route...but I didn't really know him personally...but I am still saddened by his death because he's not that many years older than me, and he killed himself...on the third anniversary of his sister/cousin's father's death, no less...any suicide that directly affects anyone I know is something that I take hard...

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Suicides are the worst. Combining the greif you already feel with that vague ache that asks why you didn't "do something" as if just caring a little might take away a mental illness...

Last time I heard of an old friends suicide, it screwed me up for several weeks. I had nightmares about it and finally had a session of EMDR about it just so I could sleep soundly.

[peteralway.livejournal.com]

I can appreciate how odd it is to be mourning someone you are not as close to as you wish you were. I only met Dell this June. I saw her a total of six times. I owe a huge debt to a friend who advised me to make up an excuse to travel up to Lansing when she was diagnosed. But reading what her close and longtime friends had to say, I know I missed most of her. I was hoping to become a close and long-time friend, but I fear that this friendship was bigger in my mind than it was in her reality.

Others lost a long-time personal friend. I suffered the loss of who might have been a long-time friend. I am grateful that I did have the chance to meet Dell, that I had a freind that found a way around my personal cowardice so that I took that chance. But can I be hurting like the people who have known her for years.

We have lost the chance to ever see so much of Dell that others enjoyed, we've suffered the abrupt amputation of what-might-have-been. It's not the same as losing an old best freind, but it hurts in its own way.

Maybe we will heal faster because we are not surrounded by reminders of Dell, and Dell isn't intertwined with all of our memories. Maybe we will wake up and think it was all a dream--like that wizard of Oz icon on her last post.

But right now it stings that I have no tangible evidence that I ever shared space with Dell. Just a few computer files of us making music together. Like I never knew this human being who was so beloved.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying that.

[vjsmom.livejournal.com]

So sorry.

[groovesinorbit]

I'm sorry about your friend.

[trav28.livejournal.com]

I see where you're coming from on this - sudden cdeaths can be traumatic for all involved, even those on the periphery

[everythingtold.livejournal.com]

W9ow - it's always fucked up and weird when that happens.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Dude!

Haven't heard from you in awhile.
How's ya doing?

[kissdbyagnome.livejournal.com]

Death fascinates me, makes me sad, makes me afraid, makes me hopeful, and confuses me all at the same time. I always have a vague sense of something I can't quite put my finger on, when I hear of someone passing. It's totally understandable you'd feel something after hearing of her death. There's no need to feel guilty or compare your feelings to someone elses that knew her better. We are all alowed to feel in our own way:) Your a kind and caring person, thats what I love about ya;)

I hope she crosses over to where she needs to go.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Thanks, man.

[cmdavi-70.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about this.

A few years back, on a complete whim, I googled the name of a childhood neighbor and discovered he'd died of skin cancer after some minor fame as a dirt bike racer and stuntrider.

Although he was something of a friend, he was never particularly nice to me as a kid, and he totally blew me off after I moved and tried to keep in touch. However, it was very sobering to learn that someone younger than I am is gone. I was especially disheartened to learn that he had been without health care, and his death may have otherwise been preventable.

At any rate, I can understand why you have shock and grief about it.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It seems very seflish to say that I missed out on an opportunity to better know a remarkable person.

I tend to be most guilty of the "there's always time" theory of prioritizing.

[shadowriderhope.livejournal.com]

I barely knew her, too, aside from a few get-togethers with mutual friends, and reading her journal. I wanted to get to know her better, and I made several mentions of wanting to come visit her once she was diagnosed, but I never pushed to actually come out because I was afraid she wouldn't be feeling up for it.

Like others have said here, grief affects us all in our own ways. I know I'm filled with regret for not having reached out to Dell and gotten to know her better, that I assumed because her cancer was supposed to be '100% curable' that I had the luxury of time, of not making time to go visit her.

Death sucks. :(

And I hope her crossing of the veil was peaceful, and that she is now delighting in the afterlife, knowing the answers to all the questions we ponder in this one.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I feel the same regret, really.

I admit that I am uncomfortable discussing illness with people, that I'm so frantic not to offend that I end up not reaching out nearly as much as I could.
It's just something I have to live with now, and try to use it as a reason to become more fearless.

hugs

[katharinakatt.livejournal.com]

HUGS