Manic? MANIC?!? Shut your goddamn mouth--that's why!

[wednes]

For those of you whom I don't see often, I have been incredibly manic this week. Mania is one half of the main symptoms of the core components of the illness lovingly called manic-depressive or bipolar disorder. As I may have mentioned in the past, depression can totally put your life on hold. If people around you don't know what's going on, you can even lose friends, jobs, and more. But mania? That, my freinds, is a whole nother schmere. Mania is the stuff that instantly turns your life into crap. It's what makes you want to quit your job because "fuck those jerks" and break up with your partner because "what's their problem anyway? Don't they know you deserve better than them...see what I gotta put up with" or max out your credit card and maybe a friends because you "need some new stuff, isnt' this GREAT?!?". Plus, it makes you want to do lots and lots of drugs. Mania involves extreme intensities of emotion, usually either giddy rose-colored dangerous happiness, or anger that could make kindly old Aunt Mae strangle you with her bare hands. It is very difficult to function while manic. But you pretty much have to, because even the most understanding employer is unlikely to let you call-in manic to work.

With that in mind, let me just say a few things:

1. I know when I am manic. You really don't need to tell me. It has basically the same connotation as telling me that I am overwieght. I already know. And I already know that its really, really obvious. So by bringing it up you're either trying to impress me with your insightful observations, or you're being a dick. Either way, It's quite unnecessary.

2. Do not ever, under any circumstances, joke with me about my mania while I am manic. No imitating my demeanor, no speculation about how well my meds are working or not working, no joking about picking up a few drinks, basically no being an insensitive jackass. And please, no going on and on about how difficult it is for you to see me like this. beleive me, it's much more difficult for me. Mention it, if you want; but then let it go. I'm bi-polar, it's an illness and I can't help it. I do my best not to be a jerk about things; I really, really do. But sometimes the stopping of a bus line or the percieved impending death of my cat just seem like the end of the fucking world. And if you're offended by that, well I guess you need to go find yourself some healthier buddies to hang out with.

[/self indulgent yet inexplicably publicly posted rant] It's amazing what they can do with html these days. ;-}

I'm in the process of the final chapter in the woeful first draft of my new novel What to do About Franklin. It has become an entirely different novel than the one I intended to write. I like some of the story elements very much. And there are some genuinely frightening scenes. The draft is pretty funny because I never went back to fix inconsistencies so everything just conflicts as I've changed my mind about this or that. Some of the names are even inconsistent.
My need for grad school is also becoming more apparent as I try to consider the edits I'm making. I don't really have certain skills like timing and good dialogue that makes everyone sound different. I have a lot of passive, explainy segments that need to be demonstrated through action. I just didn't know these people well enough, or rather, I'm just now getting to know them at the very end of the draft. I just wish I knew more about novel writing mechanics to make better use of what I honestly beleive is some fine raw talent. I know how to write a novel length story, I just don't know how to edit/polish it for maximum impact.

My new assignment from Group is to train myself to recognize self destructive thought patterns. Interestingly, I don't let anyone talk to me like crap, even though this happened regularly for the first 20 some years of my life. And since I put out that vibe, miraculously, almost no one actually tries to talk crappily to me. However, my inner monologue remains abusive, dismissive, and hell-bent on comparing myself to people who do not remotely share my experiences. I know certain truths intellectually that just aren't making it to my wounded id or whatever the hell they call that. I hate those silly terms. I constantly berate myself with things that I'd never allow anyone to say to me in real life. So I'm figuring out ways to catch myself doing that shit, and then defusing it before it does any real damage. Continuing with the EMDR will also help. That stuff is awesome.

I made up a Friday Five!!!

Five things people actually do that suck:
1. Not capitalizing the "i" in "I". That is stupid.
2. Admitting you care how some dumbass reality show ends.
3. Deliberately spoiling the end of something* for others.
4. Talking or using a cell phone** during a movie.
5. Writing in my books in pen when you borrow them, or worse yet, not returning them.

*This includes reading my magazine before I do and reading "just this one thing" aloud so I can't read it for myself. Genius, why do you think I bought the magazine, so you'd read it to me?!?

**This includes "checking something" by emiting a square high-beam of blue-supernova-light into a previously dark room.

Okay, I'm gonna have a snack, then watch an hour of shows about murdering, then finish this chapter.
Off I go!

Comments

[itches]

'My new assignment from Group is to train myself to recognize self destructive thought patterns.'

I've done that one. It's fun because I found I didn't even notice I was doing it most of the time.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's pretty much what I suspect in myself as well.

[shakeshookshock.livejournal.com]

Here.here.to.you.for.the.insight.on.your.current.state.

People.ought.know.more.about.these.things,else.they.wont.see.em.in.themselves.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Yup.

;-}

hugs

[katharinakatt.livejournal.com]

Hugs... It sounds like you are more sane than the average person.

Btw when you finish that book I'll be happy to read it...Love your work so far. :D Have you had any luck with the other yet?

If all else fails I can shove it at my publisher.

Re: hugs

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I am waiting to hear from two different houses (who happily, take simultaneous subs) and have a few more on my list. I am in the process of reworking my query packet to attract an agent, so I do have some plans, but no concrete way to get poor Sadie out of the slush pile.

Re: hugs

[katharinakatt.livejournal.com]

Ok, sometimes this process takes a year or more so its worth being patient about.

Re: hugs

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'll actually hit the one year mark of sending stuff out in April. I'm amassing a nice little pile.

Re: hugs

[katharinakatt.livejournal.com]

Feel free to set yourself a deadline and if it doesn't sell then I'll shove it at my guy.

Re: hugs

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Cool, thanks. I appreciate that.

[gifgal.livejournal.com]

wow, ive tried to come up with the right way to say this three times now, and so ill just ramble now if thats cool.

I dont think I've posted about it much, but what youve written/described completely describes how I feel when I am at work, when I end up snapping on certain employees, etc....(which is why I'm currently having some work probs im not posting about). the worst part is just seeing how im acting and knowing wow, i can't control this, but damit damit damit!!! if that makes sense.

so yeah, you posting about this definitely helps others....in big and small ways :).....thanks.

and take the magazine, fold it up, and whack the person who read that outloud to you!!

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That's pretty cool of you to say. I say such things mostly to empty them out of my head; but it's always good to be reminded that some of these feelings are nearly universal among bi-polars and others.

It has been my experience that even people who know nothing about mental illness are easier to deal with than laymen who think they know everything. As it turns out, it is possible to control our behavior more so than it has been in the past. There are combinations of therapy and meds that can really help a much larger percentage of people.

[princezna.livejournal.com]

Girl, I know all too well about that manic part and just trying to keep it together. I believe manic depression is both a gift and a curse. Sometimes it's hard for me to maintain but sometimes I'm very creative. Anyway, at least you have a support group and treatment. I've just been doing yoga to help mine. I've been off drugs for three years and I'm not always sure I made the right choice.

Hang in there! Keep on creating!

[wednes.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks Marie.

Group and treatment has been really valuable to me; and I daresay I've done more good "me" work this past year than any other in my life. I think it has more to do with the writing than the therapy, but one reinforces the other to a large extent.

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Blame Steve Jobs for the i thing. i think he is ruining it for generations to come! ;-)

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure that's the problem. I find it more apt to blame l33t speak, which I hate more than rascists and homophobes combined (not really, but it's a LOT).

I will even accept the lower case I ironically as in:

ithink therefore ipod

but I won't accept it in regular prose. I defy the younger generation's extreme drive to destroy our language because they never learned typing in school. If yOu cAN TAke the TYME to tipe liek a mOrOn, you can learn how to do it properly.

*deep breath*

[darkeryet.livejournal.com]

I've had two manic depressive friends (IRL). The first one was artistic, she could draw really well and went to art school. She got out of control periodically, she'd take drugs and cut hurself and have strange ideas like one time she was 100% sure she had HIV and was gonna die even though she had no reason to believe so. She was the first person to tell me stuff about this disease. The second friend was out of control all the time as she couldn't stay away from the booze. When she was depressed she was afraid of everything and couldn't get out of bed, when she was manic she was cheating on her hubby and spending money. Now I've got a manic depressive co-worker. She spent three months in a mental hospital last spring and she's got her own shift now, it's shorter and always the same. Because having to change daily routine messes with her head (we have morning, evening and night shift). One of my best friends has a manic depressive dad. He fixes bicycles in the livingroom and listens to loud music day in and day out when he's manic. Why am I telling you this? I've got no point. I'm just wondering out loud I guess... It's not a common disease and yet there are so many.

Anyway, what I was supposed to comment on:
Not capitalizing the "i" in "I". That is stupid.

I used to do that. Capitalizing it looked so egoistic. Eventually I gave up and accepted that in your language it just is capitalized. Heh.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I suspect that the disease is more common than people think. Many many people are not diagnosed or even tested, my mom wasn't. It's also dificult to quantify because, as you observed, it manifests itself in many different ways. Someone who might just appear promiscuous, incredibly selfish, or derranged when it's really a treatable chemical imbalance.

As for the capital I, it never occured to me that this might be related to someone's primary language (in some, but not most cases). So I certainly would not have been referring to you, but rather to American teens who just never bothered to learn the language.