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Moral and Ethical Dilemmas:
Here are some situations I or someone I know may or may not be dealing with at present. I'd like everyone's honest opinions about these in general. As usual, I will not be entertaining any inquiries about who the people involved may or may not be:
1. Someone in X's therapy group is lying thier ass off. The only reason X knows about it is due to a privileged situation. The lies are not only detrimental to the teller; but it wastes the time of the group at large. What action, if any, should X take?
2. Y has been asked to read the writing of an acquiantance who might potentially turn into a friend. The writing is juvenile, purile and does not achieve the stated objective. How honest should Y be?
3. Q has a crush on Z. Both Q and Z are involved in presumably stable yet occasionally unfulfilling relationships with other people. Niether Q nor Z is interested in having an affair. Is it appropriate for Q and Z to spend time together alone? Should thier respective relationship partners be kept aware of the time-spending?
4. X has been asked to attend a religious service of a faith, not thier own, followed by a secular celebration. They have no problem attending the service and the celebration, but wonder if it might appear disrespectful to do so. Is it more appropriate to skip the religious portion of the cerimony, even though they were invited?
1. Someone in X's therapy group is lying thier ass off. The only reason X knows about it is due to a privileged situation. The lies are not only detrimental to the teller; but it wastes the time of the group at large. What action, if any, should X take?
2. Y has been asked to read the writing of an acquiantance who might potentially turn into a friend. The writing is juvenile, purile and does not achieve the stated objective. How honest should Y be?
3. Q has a crush on Z. Both Q and Z are involved in presumably stable yet occasionally unfulfilling relationships with other people. Niether Q nor Z is interested in having an affair. Is it appropriate for Q and Z to spend time together alone? Should thier respective relationship partners be kept aware of the time-spending?
4. X has been asked to attend a religious service of a faith, not thier own, followed by a secular celebration. They have no problem attending the service and the celebration, but wonder if it might appear disrespectful to do so. Is it more appropriate to skip the religious portion of the cerimony, even though they were invited?
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1) Confront the liar; I think that's the only ethical option, since "outing" them to the group would be betraying a confidence, and saying nothing is betraying the group's trust.
2) Y should be honest, but should wrap the bad in a lot of cushioning. If there's anything good about the writing, emphasize how much Y liked those bits. Be constructive, assuming there's a kernel of talent in there somewhere.
3) Time spent together is fine, assuming Q and Z have willpower. Telling the SO's is almost certainly a good idea, assuming the SO's aren't psycho jealous wankers; if Q and Z are concealing the meetings, it's more likely stuff will happen, and will raise a lot of questions when (not if) it came out. (From my perspective, the obvious solution to this dilemma is polyamory, but that might not be plausible.)
4) This depends on the religion to some extent, but most of the big ones are thrilled when outsiders come to their services. As long as you're not taking communion or something, it's perfectly fine to attend. Ask for tips on how to dress and act beforehand, maybe. I was terrified of attending a friend's Kol Nidre service during Yom Kippur, but it turned out to be quite nifty, and nobody ran me out of the service or looked at me funny.
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I'll be sure to pass that along ;-}
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1) Never having been in group therapy, I think I'm least qualified to answer that one. I'd probably confront the liar myself with proof I know it's a lie, and ask if we can't move to some other aspect of the liar's life in therapy. No, really, I'd probably pointedly make a few comments in the group that would be interpreted by the liar as "I know the truth and I'm going to out you if you don't shut the hell up" and that would hopefully be obscure enough that the rest of the group wouldn't catch on. If it really got to be a time waster, I'd talk to whomever was facilitating the group one-on-one after group. "I can't tell you how I know, but I know that this particular issue of X's is a lie. I feel like it's hurting X and wasting our time, and I thought you should know." Then it's up to the facilitator to figure out what, if anything, to do.
2) Ouch. Been in that situation. I don't handle it well. I generally stick to correcting sentence structure, spelling, grammar, tense agreement, that sort of thing. It's the primary reason I don't ask friends to analyze my writing...I'm afraid of putting someone else in that situation. ;-) I would not praise the work if it sucks, and I'd probably make a few pointers for possible improvements, but I wouldn't say, "Dude, you can't write your way out of a paper bag."
3) Having been in similar situations, it's appropriate if both Q and Z can behave themselves and just be friends, despite Q's crush. It may be hard on Q, however. If there is no Hanky Panky going on, then the amount to which the relationship partners should be kept aware should be on par with the amount they're kept aware of time spent with anyone else. That is, if Q also hangs out with A and B, does Q tell the relationship partner? If so, then the same should apply to Z. If not, then it's not necessary. If Z also has a crush, it might get weird, but it's still possible to keep it appropriate if everyone is an adult. Crushes (usually) pass. If it doesn't pass, the relationships may crumble eventually anyway.
4) I wouldn't even have thought to ask that one, frankly. If the person doing the inviting knows that X is not of that particular religion and yet chose to invite X, by all means, go. It clearly wouldn't be disrespectful to attend if invited. If the person inviting doesn't know that X is not of that religion, I still think it's okay unless it's some Sooper Sekrit Us Only ceremony. Most "religious" ceremonies like weddings or even church services anymore are kind of for show more than for faith. If X is close to the person doing the inviting, it would be wholly appropriate to simply state the issue and the concern, and find out what the inviter thinks. "Hey, dude, I really appreciate the invite and would love to come. I'm a little concerned because I'm not a member of that religion, and I don't want to upset anyone or be disrespectful by showing up to the religious portion. Do you think it would still be okay if I came, or should I just come to the latter part?"
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4. This is actually a wierd one. It's a hardcore Christian thing and the inviter is fine with it, but I've already heard that other people feel uncomfortable with a "witch" in the church. That's partially my fault for using the scary "witch" word in old-skool company. I just don't want my presense to draw attention away from the event.
And thanks for the insight.
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I will have to ponder the other questions further...and it's possible I may not have a chance to return to them and make a response, but I will try...
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2) Is there a way for 'Y's' writing to improve? This person asked for an honest opinion and they do want and deserve feedback. I guess anything critical said should be said as tactfully as possible. I mean, things they can easily change would be the first thing to hit on. Is it just a matter of not liking their tone or the story line in general? It's possible that all they need is practice and that maybe the person reading it could direct them to books/websites on how to improve. That would be a nice way to let them know what to work on. Also, maybe directing them at someone else who wouldn't have a problem with being brutal about it - sounds bad but won't ruin the friendship??
3) Well . . . what scares me about this is that both parties are in unfufilling relationships. If the relationships are unfufilling, there's that danger of trying to find fufillment outside friendship. I don't know the circumstances here but since it was stated that there was no interest in a sexual affair at all I would believe that sex isn't the issue or the risk. However, one can feel cheated on or betrayed even if there was no sex involved. See, if both parties are spending lots of time alone - that's time that's not being used to communicate with the respective partners. Yes, it's perfectly healthy (and, sometimes, necessary) to have some friendships outside one's romantic relationships. I think the problem is when the parties get too involved with the other person whether or not the involvement is sexual. the biggest reason people have problems in relationships have to do with different values/ideals and especially communication. Also, the fact that Q and Z feel they have to find of keep their time-spending on the downlow concerns me. While it's not sexual, it is leading down the road to deception. Even if it's not intended that way and even if no affair is takin place. I do, however, have a lot of sympathy for Q and Z as well as their partners. I don't think there's any real bad guy here.
4) I'm not sure why it would be disrespectful for X to attend a religious service he/she is not a part of. If the invitor knows that this person is not of this faith and are still inviting them, they do not have a problem with them being there. It IS a bit akward, perhaps, because maybe X is afraid of all the anticipated questions about "So what faith do you belong to?" Maybe 'X' is afraid his/her faith is offensive to the people there and they really like the people there and don't want to rock the boat. Also, they feel they'll be put in a defensive position. I guess X can go there without really announcing their own faith or lack therof. Also, there's nothing wrong with politely saying, "I like you guys and the service was nice but it's not my thing." If the people hearing this are good and decent people, they would not try to persuade X otherwise. I don't think it's disrespectful to attend celebrations that are different from one's faith at all. It's OK to politely keep quiet during prayers/incantations/dancing/what-have-you. I'd hope the invitor infited X because they wanted to see X :)
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1) X Should speak to the person who organizes the group privately and tell of their concerns. If the therapist is a good one, they will know how to deal with it, and will keep the discussion private. If X thinks that the private discussion will get out, then find another group with a therapist that can be trusted.
2) Y should be totally honest. But should choose words carefully. Y should be made aware that even constructive comments can be viewed as insults.
3) There is nothing wrong with Q and Z spending as much time together alone as they want. Aren't Q and Z both adults capable of controlling their urges? If they aren't then they should consider the possibility that they aren't ready for adult relationships anyway.
4) This is a little more complex. If X was invited to the religious service by the person, or one of the persons that it focuses on, then it would be rude to not attend both. But if X was invited by another guest, then it depends on how the people who are the focus of the service feel about non-believers attending. Without knowing what type of event I can't give better advice than that. But I'll assume it's a wedding, in which case, more people at the service is fine because it costs nothing, and people like to see a crowd at weddings.
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(Anonymous) 2005-08-16 05:26 am (UTC)(link)2. I usually try to be tactful in a situation such as this. If there is anything positive about the writing, emphasize that. If nothing is positive, you can always proclaim that it may be beyond your understanding, artistically. Which may be true if you think about it.
3. "Niether Q nor Z is interested in having an affair." This is pasted directly from your question. If this is the case, why would this be ethically wrong? Unless, that really isn't the case...
4. There is a difference between attending and participating. Silent observation of others religious rituals can be quite fascinating. Having said that, there really is nothing wrong with skipping the ceremony altogether. You just have to buy a nicer gift, that's all.
My humble opinions, all. Thanks for the ethical ponderings.
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