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Too many words in my head right now, I'm spilling some out.
I've been thinking about my life and some of the choices I've made as of late. Ever since I was a kid, it has seemed obvious to me (and my teachers at little kid school) that writing was my talent. Some people have lots of natural talents, and then other things they get good at after years of practice. Me, I pretty much just had words. And for whatever reason, my mother was terrified of my talent with words. I suspect now it's due to her being so entrapped in lies, so much so that she hung them all over the house.
Even though I was told I was good at writing and wanted to "practice" all the time, I was pushed into other things that my mother thought were more important, marketable, or just things she had wanted to do as a girl. So I got sidetracked into ballet class, Girl Scouts, sewing, embroidery, jazz-tap, (I can still tap dance, I just don't have any shoes), Catholicism, singing, teaching, and a bunch of other shit I had very little interest in. I found out years later that the reason my mom wanted me to teach is because my aunt is a teacher and because I had said I wanted to teach when I was five or six. The point it, I somehow forgot that I actually wanted to BE a writer. The only writing I took the time to do outside of school and hired work was when I had tons of emotional turmoil and no other way to release it. (As for teaching, I think that's what a lot of would-be writers do when they can't make a living writing; but I don't have the patience for it. I could teach college maybe, but teaching impressionable kids would not be a good gig for me.)
Then when I "grew up" (if indeed one could use the phrase grown up to describe me) my sense of self worth was so low I wanted to acquire a husband and family immediately. Not only did I have a desperate need to show the world that I was NOT, in fact, so fat and ugly that no one would ever love me; but I also wanted to become a mother so everyone would see how much better I was at it than my own mother. Looking back on that now, it seems pretty stupid. Well, maybe that's a bit too harsh, but certainly an illogical choice and one that plenty of people fall into.
I suspect that deep down the reason I never settled for an unacceptable marriage was that I knew it wouldn't work. I'm a pretty unsufferable bitch when I'm unhappy. That's probably because I have not learned to set boundaries properly. Like when I'm in a horrible relationship, I don't do the breaking up. Instead I become so impossible that no one in thier right mind would stay with me...that way I can pretend like it's all out of my hands. It's really a very good thing that I didn't have a child 10 or 15 years ago when I first wanted one. That kid would be fucked UP right about now.
Anyway, this is getting long. I just wanted to point out that I am refocusing on writing and being a writer. I haven't decided yet if one becomes a writer by getting their work read by strangers, or if one simply needs to write. But I'm sick of not writing, and I'm continuing my efforts to view life in new ways. It amazes me how many things I heard as a child that I still accept as fact, even though I know intellectually that my childhood was fucked, and the friends and family I had back then were (for the most part) selfish, spiteful, unbalanced people. The best revenge (if indeed, I still need revenge) is not becoming rich, famous, or better than them. It is simply to live and be contented with myself; and to enjoy my own company enough to be able to spend time developing my talents and improving my overall self.
Corny as hell? Too bad, it's MY journal.
That said, I'm going to do something very un-Wednes like this afternoon.
Oprah is coming on, and I'm going to watch.
Even though I was told I was good at writing and wanted to "practice" all the time, I was pushed into other things that my mother thought were more important, marketable, or just things she had wanted to do as a girl. So I got sidetracked into ballet class, Girl Scouts, sewing, embroidery, jazz-tap, (I can still tap dance, I just don't have any shoes), Catholicism, singing, teaching, and a bunch of other shit I had very little interest in. I found out years later that the reason my mom wanted me to teach is because my aunt is a teacher and because I had said I wanted to teach when I was five or six. The point it, I somehow forgot that I actually wanted to BE a writer. The only writing I took the time to do outside of school and hired work was when I had tons of emotional turmoil and no other way to release it. (As for teaching, I think that's what a lot of would-be writers do when they can't make a living writing; but I don't have the patience for it. I could teach college maybe, but teaching impressionable kids would not be a good gig for me.)
Then when I "grew up" (if indeed one could use the phrase grown up to describe me) my sense of self worth was so low I wanted to acquire a husband and family immediately. Not only did I have a desperate need to show the world that I was NOT, in fact, so fat and ugly that no one would ever love me; but I also wanted to become a mother so everyone would see how much better I was at it than my own mother. Looking back on that now, it seems pretty stupid. Well, maybe that's a bit too harsh, but certainly an illogical choice and one that plenty of people fall into.
I suspect that deep down the reason I never settled for an unacceptable marriage was that I knew it wouldn't work. I'm a pretty unsufferable bitch when I'm unhappy. That's probably because I have not learned to set boundaries properly. Like when I'm in a horrible relationship, I don't do the breaking up. Instead I become so impossible that no one in thier right mind would stay with me...that way I can pretend like it's all out of my hands. It's really a very good thing that I didn't have a child 10 or 15 years ago when I first wanted one. That kid would be fucked UP right about now.
Anyway, this is getting long. I just wanted to point out that I am refocusing on writing and being a writer. I haven't decided yet if one becomes a writer by getting their work read by strangers, or if one simply needs to write. But I'm sick of not writing, and I'm continuing my efforts to view life in new ways. It amazes me how many things I heard as a child that I still accept as fact, even though I know intellectually that my childhood was fucked, and the friends and family I had back then were (for the most part) selfish, spiteful, unbalanced people. The best revenge (if indeed, I still need revenge) is not becoming rich, famous, or better than them. It is simply to live and be contented with myself; and to enjoy my own company enough to be able to spend time developing my talents and improving my overall self.
Corny as hell? Too bad, it's MY journal.
That said, I'm going to do something very un-Wednes like this afternoon.
Oprah is coming on, and I'm going to watch.
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"for every lie i unlearn, i learn something new"
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What strikes me about your writing about writing is that it's writing itself that you're talking about, interested in. You know, the language thing, the story thing---that stuff (I'm trying to joke here with "thing" and "stuff"---not exactly the best writing there!). What drives me crazy when people talk about wanting to be an "author" or that ilk is that it seems the validation of publishing and "glory" of (whatever level) fame, along with the "I'm a writer" sense of identity, that seem to make up the reason for the drive, and often not any interest in or facility for the writing itself.
Maybe it's my idealist coming out, but I go with the camp of keep writing. You're a writer as long as you're writing & you call yourself a writer. Making that identity self-driven and molding yourself and your work to what you want your writing to do, achieve, etc.---that attitude, I think, is a good strategy to keep one writing, just as it is to achieve ongoing success with anything.
So much hot air, of course, and I hope you'll take it with a grain of salt. Oprah probably had more to offer today! Or at least she had the balls to wear a red dress to the huge ball she threw at which everyone else, upon her request, was attired in either black or white---and that's somethin' right there.
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Anyway, you can beleive I fully intend to keep writing, even if my friends list is the only group to read me.
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I wanted to recommend a friend to you, BTW
And here's a link to one of the epublishers who posts there, accepts manuscripts, and seems to be generally knowledgeable:
http://zumayapublications.com/
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I'm a little leary about epublishing, but I haven't looked into it much. I have time this week though.
I suspect that I fear calling myself a writer because I don't want anyone to get in my face about it. I really must learn to stop being so afraid of imaginary scenarios I create in my own mind. I'm supposed to use those to scare OTHER people!!! ;-)
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But there are certain jobs that people have where they have titles even when they aren't currently selling. Because they are always working.
Writer
Actor
Sculptor
Painter
Photographer
Do you see the trend?
Artists don't have to sell their work to call themselves artists. All they have to do is work on their craft.
So as long as you write, you are a writer.
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And back atcha with the whole defining the self thing.
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I shall do just that.
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I have to say, i wish you the best of luck. you are one of the most interesting people i know here and well, i havent read any of your current novel youve posted for us because im waiting for it to be published and then buy my autographed copy :P
and like i do a lot, but dont let ya know cos i dont want to tempt you too much, i raise my b owl to ya :)
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I'm hoping my LJ pals will make it so if I have to do some kind of book signing tour that people in other states will actually show up for it. Of course for that, I'll need to find a publisher!
As for the other, I do indulge from time to time. But it had really taken over my life in some ways. I guess like cookie monster, pot should be a "sometime" thing.
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Thanks.
I think the neat thing about computers is that they help people develop creativity in a zillion different ways. H demonstrates that all the time. I mean, I write on my computer but people do RPG's (which are thier own brand of creativeness), graphic design, music stuff, and the whole wide world of programming.
I used to be very down on computer based creativity, like I thought it was "cheating" or something. But it requires both creativity and technical proficeincy. Writing really only requires you to know what words mean and some basic sentency stuff.