wednes | Queens of Diamonds

Per the advice of many of you, H and I finally watched all of the original Manchurian Candidate. Had I seen this movie before now, I never would have beleived that load about this being the movie that made the horse head go in the bed. Because this is certainly NOT a movie that would make Sinatra a big star if he was not one already. Even though his role in the film is large, it does not include much range and is not much different from other serious characters he has played. Although I was pretty impresssed with the fight sequence, I was more impressed to learn that the smashed table was not a breakaway. This movie has a damn impressive cast and is quite riveting. It kind of creeps me out that Angela Landsbury was only a few years older than i am now when she played this horrible, awful woman. I guess it's a good thing I didn't get involved in politics.

Got called for a job interview to answer phones part time at the YMCA. While I'd certainly prefer to work full time, I don't see any reason not to take this if they offer it to me at a reasonable wage. A recent receptionist gig would perk up my resume nicely. I'm also going to apply at the pack and ship store on Stadium after my doc appointment tomorrow. I'm not really in the mood for counseling since I'm kind of feeling a bit better today. But that's one of those caveats of bi-polar. The treatment always sucks, so as soon as you feel better you want to stop. But it can turn around on you in a snap. By the time Ryan gets home from work today, I could be back to hating everything in site again. Of course, I don't need to tell any regular readers that. You undoubtedly already know.

While I'm sitting here, I think I'll do a short blurb about journals and writing in general . When I was a kid, I started keeping journals around the age of 12. I had figured out on my own that writing could be tremenously cathartic for me. When my mom would scream at me about how worthless, stupid and lazy i was, how nobody liked me because I was so fat and dumb looking...or whatever else she would say, I'd get so upset I could not even function. I would shake and sob and be unable to calm down for long stretches of time. But being a kid, I didn't get to stay home from school or refuse to do anything I was supposed to do. So I'd write these long, long letters to old freinds (which I guess as a kid just meant kids I used to know but didn't see anymore since the move). My writing would be all fast and furious, and in just a few minutes, I'd have 10 or more handwritten pages that spelled out the frustration and terror I was feeling everyday. And even though i knew I would never send them, I figured they would be found after my death, and someone would finally know how awful things were at my house. Yes in fact, I was a very morbid child, pre-occupied with murder, death, suicide, and ones legacy after death. I guess that's why

sudrin says I was "goth before goth was cool" even though this would have been even before I met him.
When I started high school, I realized that I had not just a stack of these letters, but more that a dresser drawer full. Reading over them, I determined that they were far too raw and emotional to leavy lying around for someone to find. A tragic diary stealing incident years later would confirm my fear of writing too much personal information down and leaving it around. So in time, I stopped journaling altogether. Or I'd start again, and stop when after I had distanced myself enough to be surprised at what I had written. I guess in the end, I had stopped journaling because I was afraid of being too honest in front of the wrong people. it would appear though, that i have gotten over that.

Queens of Diamonds

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