wednes | Unguarded post about personal things:

At this evenings gathering, I was talking to my buddy Kwame about the goings on with Walt, as he is not a livejournal person and, as such, had no idea that I'd been talking to my biological father after 30 some odd years. I found this particularly interesting. Kwame is a cool guy, and even though he's young, he's a good person to talk things over with. He has a unique perspective on life, probably due to his fine upbringing (he was showered with love by his mother... showered with it, I tell you!). Anyway, it made me think about how much I rely on LJ to communicate how I'm feeling, AND how much less stressful life becomes when you always have a sounding board at your disposal. Unlike a "normal" journal (which I have not kept in years) this one allows me to get input and feedback from friends and virtual friends alike. With this in mind, I can totally see how some people become internet addicts. I sit here online typing and typing, while people I see in everyday life aren't aware of significant developments in a timely way.

I used to keep a written journal in high school--and junior high too, come to think of it. Since my life was really shitty at that time, and full of angsty feelings about the day-to-day life living with a crazy woman, my journals were pretty weepy and intense. Instead of working thru the pain of living with mean, spiteful people I attached my feelings to insignificant boys from school, sadly lamenting them not being able to fullfill some ridiculous childhood idea of what it must be like to feel loved by someone. So my young girl journals were inevitably filled with sad poems about why this boy or that boy didn't love me, and lengthy prose about how sorry everyone would feel if I killed myself. I didn't really want to "snuff it" as they say, but as I was telling

spiralwitch earlier, I think I did this to pretend (or maybe to assert) that I did have some control over what went on in my life. In a way, affirming my own choice to not die was empowering. Of course, my parents found and read my journals, as did some boys in high school (talk about a panicky couple of weeks) and everyone decided that I was "just trying to get attention" whatever that meant. Those journal are, of course, long gone.

The other interesting thing about LJ is that you can let people in, or keep them out. Even though most of my life is pretty open-door, I do tend to lock entries that are extrememly personal in nature. But I like to meet new people and be exposed to alternate veiwpoints, so I like to unguard as much as possible. Anyway, this entry is an excersize in being more brave...as brave as one can be hiding behind a monitor.

But back to my anecdote: Kwame suggested, as many people have, that I have freinds who are much like family. And of course, I do. I feel very fortunate and pleased to have so many honest, loyal, pleasant freinds in life, and on LJ. The support I get from you guys is staggering at times. And sometimes, when I least expect it, someone like

smarbaby comes along, and reminds me how much a single thought from a single person can really brighten one's day:

enjoy this story of wednesday the witch,
in livejournal, she's found quite the niche.

popular and silly, with a love for things nerdy,
i read all her posts, even ones that are wordy.

and OH! the men fawn over her womanly wiles!
even ken jennings is sending her smiles.

And so, I say to my detractors (if any), "Put THAT in your pipes and smokes it!!!"
I'm a muse to a great artist, SUCKAH!!!

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awww..... *blush*
that's so sweet... i'm so glad that i could make you smile!

...and of COURSE you're a muse!
all my friends are muses... and because... well, you're adorable!

Wow, you *do * read the wordy ones, don't you?

* sends a magical grapefruit *

Since I was not familiar with the term "magical grapefruit" I googled it. Here's what i found:

"This is the Magical Grapefruit of Love. It has been bequeathed upon you by someone who thinks you are really cool. This person might be your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, pal, homie, Hausfrau, neighbour or someone else you don't even know. This person finds you rather interesting, possibly even attractive, and just generally thinks you're a pretty good excuse to be alive. Whether this person actually is attracted to you is another question. This is merely a token of affection for to wonder at and appreciate.

The sender of the Magical Grapefruit of Love only asks one thing of you (besides the aforementioned hug): that you bequeath this Grapefruit of Love on someone else. The Magical Grapefruit of Love grows as it is shared, and someday you may recieve this magical citrus entity again. Send it on. Remember the elation you felt the first time you recieved it? If you send it on, you may feel this again. This is not chain letter. Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't send it on, but think of the bright spot it might put in the day of someone you think is extra marvellous."

So succinctly put: Thanks, man.

It is always reassuring to find that someone has saved me the time to explain the term :)

http://www.thoth.daisyblossom.com/2004/10/fruit-mythos-magical-grapefruit-of.html

LOL

Now everyone will know. As we say around here: "Good thinkin' Lincoln!"

awww...that is such a cute poem :)

I have always found it difficult to keep a paper journal, though in some ways I wished I have done so...for some reason livejournal just seems easier right now, if for nothing else other than I type faster than I write...I think the community aspect of it certainly helps the experience...there's quite a few people I wouldn't even know, whether online or even turned into "in person" relationships, where it not for this place...

it is indeed an exercise in being brave, to have things on public display that anyone can find...I try not to lock too many of my entries, to keep myself receptive and open...and then I think of some of the people who I may not want reading this thing actually doing so...I suppose I'd feel better if they looked at it only once in a while, and not make a daily visit to browse...when I got a few anonymous comments from someone I can only guess was an ex-friend, that weirded me out...but at least I can disable anonymous comments, which I have done for nearly a year...I debate whether to try leaving myself vulnerable again to see what happens....

Woah! That is a cool pic. I've always wanted to keep a journal when I was younger - it sounded like such a good and helpful idea. My little sister did it. Well - I tried but there was NO privacy in our home so my journal went away as soon as I started writing in it. I think what i like best about computer journals is that typing seems to make it easier than long-hand writing. I don't know why.

My first journals were an assigned class project for an anomalously inspirational teacher I had in high school for three years. I guess it was something about having an audience---I soon started to write much more than was required. Part of that was that she'd write comments back in the margin. Most of the time I was just trying to amuse her, especially at first, but as I got into volumes 3 and 4 of what were eventually well over a dozen of those black-and-white speckled composition books, I'd become a bit more revealing about what was going on with me. Even after I was in her class, and in the summer, I'd give her the journal periodically; she'd read & comment and give it back. If I wanted to write something while she had it, I'd do a Makeshift Journal Entry, sometimes typing it (on a typewriter) (this was the old days), and staple it into the book proper later.

So when I tried later, in my 20's, to start a journal again, it was missing a critical element. I didn't need an audience of many, but with an audience of NONE, or of just the imaginary me reading back over things in the future, the need to express something right, or articulate what I wanted to articulate carefully, was, for me, quite diminished. I ended up becoming a letter writer. That's not so regular, though, of course, and the audience was fluctuating; plus letters are just a different medium. An interpersonal thing. Hard to say what I mean.

The other thing that struck me reading what you wrote here is how the notion of privacy works for me, particularly when I'm single. It's definitely different when I'm single. But even in general, I have some sort of boundary-issue-related awareness of the extent to which I'm hiding, and a general compulsion toward openness/exposure that very probably pushes me too far in that direction. Here I don't just mean that I never seem to care about closing curtains and such. It's that exposure of the soul that's fraught and often self-conscious for me.

I'm usually guarding against transgressing into "TMI"---a complaint I bristle at, but am horribly chagrinned to have merited, when it seems even a little serious.

At least in this place it's (relatively) easy to dismiss that (imagined) criticism with the notion that it's pretty much entirely voluntary for people to read it. (But look, I qualify even that, thinking of the potentially coercive element of community and interpersonal expectations that plays out even here.)

i TOLD you!

I also disable anonymous comments after an incident with someone who knew me from college, but was too cowardly to reveal himself. I dont' think that closes me off so much as insulate myself from stupidity.

I totally agree...

besides, I think it's fair that if such a person is going to comment on someone's journal that they should have a journal as well...

Hi,
im new to livejournals. lookin for some friends on here.

any way I think horror has gone down the drain in todays society. only one i've seen that I liked was exorcist the beginning. classics range from texas chain saw massacre, day of the dead, dawn of the dead, the shining, pet semetary, night of the living dead, creep show, cujo, the fun house, friday the 13th, night mare on elm street, Halloween, night gallery, twilight zone, and many others which im so tired rite now I can't name. whats your opinion do you think horror movies or anotholy series are going down the drain today. hope to hear from you.

thanks,
chaz

Unguarded post about personal things:

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Horror opinion