Whaddaya MEAN You've Never Heard of Me?!?

Zombies and the Books that Contain Them

2022-11-18T03:49:54Z

My last horror novel is a plucky, multi-character POV bit of frolic. There are rats, a boy and his dog, and a cat who is pretty tired of everyone's shit.

It's also the first novel for which I made my own trailer. This is from 2012. So that kid is in his friggin 20s at this point, which is insane.

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It'sa Me!!

2022-11-12T20:19:34Z

Hey kids,
I've been neglecting this blog for years, and will likely continue to do so. But for today, here's that video where Detroit's late-night horror show host Wolfman Mac talked about my very first novel: A Stabbing for Sadie.

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Amazon Weaning

2018-05-02T00:05:34Z

As most of you know, I loves me some Amazon. Since we don't drive, it's incredibly easy and awesome to get canned and dry goods, batteries, cooking stuff, whatever we need delivered within 2 business days (or faster if we feel like paying for it). We have a Prime subscription, which is going up in price again even though it just went up. We also had a Prime Pantry scrip (they used to charge $5.99 to deliver grocery items at a slower pace than regular items--but they raised that to $7.99 while offering a $4.99 a month option that makes shipping on pantry items over $40 free). And we did Subscribe and Save each month.

Funny thing is, after you sign up for these deals, the prices change. Pantry items go up often. Subscribe and Save prices fluctuate wildly from one month to the next. Jerky that had been $5 goes up to $11. Once we got a giant pack of fruit leather for $10 one month, and the very next month it went up to more than $25. I figured that I'd just watch carefully and we'd be fine. I'm a savvy shopper, after all.

When I first started freelancing, I found a company that sent free books and stuff for review. The reviews weren't paid, but I got free stuff. Other sellers started contacting me, and before long, we were getting awesome free stuff--drones, cameras, headphones, cool lights, etc. Later, Amazon changed their policy from "you have to say when you get free stuff" to "you're not allowed to say when you get free stuff." Odd, but whatevs. Later, they changed the policy again to say you couldn't leave reviews for stuff you got free--if you do, Amazon says they'll take away your right to leave reviews. They told me that last Boxing Day. Since then, I stopped accepting free products for review.

Well yesterday, I went to leave a review on an iPad case that didn't fit. That's when I learned that Amazon took away my ability to leave reviews anyway. That sucks, since I'd been offered several cool drones since then and turned them all down. Sad times.

I wrote to Amazon, explaining that I had complied with their request. They essentially called me a liar and said they'd never reinstate my ability to leave reviews. While this may hurt me more than it does them--I am leaving Amazon.

This sucks for many reasons. I started a new business this year, Scared Soapless. It would have been awesome to continue to use them. But dammit, I'm not about to give that much money or put up with so many shenanigans from a company who would scold me like a child for not following policies that I clearly followed. One could call this sour grapes, but fuck that shit. So...unless Amazon comes to their senses, I'm out.

That means I'll be looking for new places to get stuff delivered. Where do you get stuff delivered from? We're down with pretty much anyplace that isn't Amazon or Walmart. Does Costco deliver? I can get business stuff between Office Depot, Brambleberry, WSP, and Bulk Apothecary. But I'm not sure about everyday stuff like paper towels, cat litter, batteries and the like.

Sure, we'll be paying for shipping. But here's the thing--we already are. Amazon charges more for items with Prime shipping. So really, we've all been paying for it all along. Even when you buy digital content from them, you can't download it half the time so if you're internet goes out you can't watch or have to use phone data.

Wanna go on the No-Amazon adventure with me? Might be fun.
I'm sad, since this is basically like a breakup with my best shopping buddy. But I've done customer service work for far too long to let a company treat me like that after spending thousands upon thousands of dollars with them.

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We doth not purchase it...

2018-04-20T00:31:42Z

I don't buy much stuff on the eBay, because it has always seemed about as trustworthy as a garage sale in a town you don't live in. Occasionally though, I can't resist.

Between an extra gig, H's work bonus, and my tax return, we had a bit of money for H and me to buy ourselves something fun. For my thing, I bid on an Agents of SHIELD thing, signed by Bill Paxton.

For anyone who doesn't know me, Bill Paxton was my favorite actor (and despite only having directed one horror movie, is high up on my fave horror director's list too) and I was beyond crushed when he died suddenly last year. I'm still pretty sad about it. Right after his death, genuine autographed skyrocketed in price. Since though, they've come down to normal levels. It's not absurd to think one could get one for $50-$100 for a trading card, and about twice that for an 8x10' glossy.

With that in mind, I bid three-times what the then-highest bid was. Kept a close eye on it, and it didn't move for a few days. Then one guy bid, but well below where I bid. I was pretty excited, thinking I'd finally own something Bill Paxton once held in his hand. If that sounds stupid and childish to you, I get it, it kind of does to me too. But I want it, and that's just how it is.

Except...a few hours before the auction ended, someone bid exactly the same amount as me. Because I bid first, I was still the winner at that point. I did find it odd though that the bids were like, $25...$26.50...$31...and then suddenly it jumped up to $75. Odd, right? I'm told that sometimes sellers, particularly in collectibles markets, will make bids under a secondary account to make sure buyers aren't leaving money on the table. I highly suspect that the seller did this. I opted not to raise my bid, and lost the item to another buyer.

But wait...because the seller then contacted me, saying the buyer had fallen through. This was on the same day that the auction ended. Can a buyer even "fall through" in one day? This cemented my suspicion that this seller was shady AF. Now I doubt the validity of the listing and the transaction.

I've never actually bought an autograph that wasn't from someone I could watch making the signature. Don't they come with certificates of authenticity when they're from super famous people? I've been given autographed things as gifts, and they often do some with seals or affidavits affirming that they're real. I'm a collector and all, but the things I collect are for my own enjoyment rather than cataloging them like stamps or something.

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grabby hands

2018-03-11T02:01:52Z

The Scared Soapless Kickstartery thing is still going on. Just over the halfway point--both in terms of time and earnings. Coooool, right?

We've contracted with sculptor Brian McGuire to create a custom mold of this fiendish character, who we think you'll recognize. We chose him based on our adoration for this sculpture, which was painted by a dude named Al Warner. We'll be making our scary Vampire out of soap, and it's gonna be terrifying.

We're also stepping up our guest soap game.
In addition to red-eyed skulls and hand-painted soapy human hearts, we're also offering dinosaurs, dino-skeletons (you get a whole skeleton of either a T-Rex or a Stegosaurus) and bloody-mouthed sharks. Normally we're not fans of portraying sharks as ravenous monsters. We love sharks. But soap-wise, we're all about the scares!

Since we're working with a talented sculptor, we can offer a reward where we can create a custom soap based on YOUR favorite horror thing. Spiders? An ancient mummy? A reanimated corpse? A Demogorgon? Whatever you're looking for--we can make it happen (so long as it doesn't violate anyone's copyright). Wouldn't that be the most amazing gift for a horror fan EVER?!? Even Chris Hardwick would be stoked!!

So hey, tell your rich buddies, fellow horror fans, vegan soap, lotion, and balm enthusiasts, or anyone else you think might love our stuff.

The main things we need funding for are:
--Completion of the website build, which will allow us to keep prices low.
--A versatile printer for water-soluble paper, labels, card stock, etc.
--Paying our sculptor. Those guys aren't cheap--but SOOOO worth it.
--Tables and shelving setup for doing craft shows in person.

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How would YOU like to give ME some money?

2018-02-28T05:20:53Z

You know how money is sometimes exchanged for goods and services?
I'm doing a bit of that now in my Kickass Kickstarter. A KickASSStarter if you will...which you shouldn't...because that was terrible.

It's slow going with the raising of funds, but I'm hoping for the best. I have some great soaps on offer, plus a few things for people who (and I'm told they really do exist) don't like horror and aren't looking for ways to work more of it into their lives.

Most of what I need the funds for is finishing the website build, getting labels and packaging stuff, buying a printer, and setting myself up with some decent tables, lights, signage, and display shelves for doing craft shows. Plus I'll need to pay somebody to be my driver/handler.

If you're the sort of person who wants to help out so I can enjoy some success, here is some stuff you can do:

Paste this link where you think people will see it. Social media, your own blog, anywhere that won't be considered spamming. Spamming is evil and helps no one.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1400616726/scared-soapless-spooky-soaps-for-the-discerning-bo?ref=user_menu
Which people?
Horror fans, wealthy types, people with kids, fans of high-end Health and Beauty Aids, entrepreneurs, and anyone who might want to have their favorite horror thing realized as a soap.

What else helps?
--Buying yourself a reward or two would be cool, if you're the sort who can swing that financially.
--Leaving a comment on the Kickstarter page
--Asking a question on our Facebook page: Scared Soapless
--Interviewing me or doing a writeup at places where you routinely write things up
--Offering words of encouragement. I can always use them.

Okay, that's what I'm up to these days.
Pentelope is turning 18 on March 5th. I kind of think we should do something cool for her. We did sort of blow off her Quinceanera...H says cats don't need to have those anyway. Pfft. Anyway, I fear that our time with Pente is drawing to a close. She was the size of my hand when I got her. Over the years, she has peed, puked, or drooled on pretty much everything I own. Still, Imma miss her when the time comes.

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Fun-eral

2018-02-05T19:50:21Z

That goddamn This Is Us has become the cryin'est night of my week. Granted, I'm pretty weepy when I watch shows anyway, and this one is carefully orchestrated grief porn. I know it. I don't care.

One thing I'm def taking away from it is the concept of a fun funeral, where the life of the deceased is happily celebrated. I want genuine laughter, maybe a few tears (but not the kind that rip you apart inside), and the kind of food I'd make myself if I were there. Somebody should make a mix-tape of my favourite episodes of shows to play in the background:

Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V and Simpsons Buy a Pool
Family Guy: Patriot Games
The Critic: The one with "Take THAT, Guernica!"
The Monkees: The one with the Frodis
WKRP in Cincinnati: Thanksgiving (turkey helicopter thing)
Monty Python: Argument
And Mork and Mindy episode with Exidor.
The Young Ones: Nasty, Interesting
Community: Ep 3,
Key and Peele: Othello, first Halloween episode
SNL: Quentin Tarantino's Welcome Back Kotter, All celebrity Jeopardy, All Chris Farley show.
Twilight Zone: People are Alike All Over, It's a Good Life, Monsters are Due on Maple Street
Tales from the Crypt: Creep Course, And All Through the House, The Secret

Movies: Night of the Living Dead, Psycho, Hot Fuzz, Trading Places, A Patch of Blue, Rope, Death to Smoochy, Frailty, Head.

Obviously, it's not unique or new to say funerals should celebrate the deceased. But I imagine we've all gone to a funeral where the guy talking didn't even know my grandpa (or whoever your person is--I remember leaving my grandfather's funeral furious over all the things that weren't said, and the inaccuracy of those that were). But then, I've always been much more comfortable feeling angry than feeling sad.

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I have a crush on James Comey

2018-01-26T06:00:06Z

I'm one of those people who enjoys believing in things. I spent decades trying to find the right religion--the one that, upon hearing its tenets I immediately realized this was the thing I'd been looking for forever. Despite reading about every religion I could, past and present, I never found it. Eventually, I resigned myself to the fact that supernatural things are a wish, not a want, and that joining the Satanic Temple made the most sense. It didn't require me to pretend to believe in anything stupid, and it actually did have a list of tenets I felt (and continue to feel) very strongly about. But this isn't really a post about religion.

I want to believe that government, while made up of people who are shady and greedy, is essentially good. This began as a childish (because duh, I was a child) faith that grown-ups, especially "famous" grown-ups, had access to facts and learning that I didn't. I thought rich people really were smarter and worked harder than most other people--probably because I was nine-years-old when Reagan got elected. Over the years, watching the government shit on poor people and minorities, watching the Tea Party lead a cadre of hateful morons into our highest offices, it became startlingly obvious that government wasn't so great. In truth, it was no better or worse than most other organizations run by rich, white men. *pause for MRAs to flip the fuck out as people who think feelings are bullshit rail on about how upset I'm making them*

I still can't help being attracted to men of high morals and ideals. Remember when that was Superman? But he's been roundly usurped by Captain America. On TV, my good-government-guy crush was on Aaron Hotchner of TV's Criminal Minds. Hotch doesn't speak unless he has something vital to say. He doesn't abide egos, he sticks to the facts and thinks all people are worthy of dignity, help, and respect. But like all things, my love of Hotch was doomed to end in sadness. Thomas Gibson, the guy who plays Hotch, turned out to be a cheaty, violent dickbag in real life. Sad!

But you know what? James Comey IS Hotch, a real-life one. Sure, he's not a criminal profiler, but he's def a man of high morality and ideals. I love that he takes his wife out to dinner and calls it "a date." I love that he doesn't use swears (my husband doesn't either even though I'm an electrified swear-machine) and that he does the right thing no matter what--even when he doesn't want to. Even when it can lead to bad things. Even when it means we're stuck with a lunatic. That wasn't his fault. Note: My saying this is not an invitation for anyone to tell me everything Comey has ever done that they don't like. I don't care. Don't ruin this for me.
When he said, days before the 2016 election, that there might be something else up with Hillary's Emails, ugh. I was so mad. He was ruining everything. Hell, I thought, Drumpf (I was still calling him that then) could actually win the election and then where would we be?!? Then he explained why he did it. And I had to be like, Damn, I really can't argue with his logic..
Comey was never afraid of Trump. He just didn't like him, didn't trust him, and thought he ought to take copious notes after their meetings--which all sounded like giant WTFs. Even after he got fired, he never seemed mad. Just like, REALLY?!? If that firing had been a romantic breakup, the methodology would have made DJT a villain for the entire rest of his life. That would have been like, Phil Collins territory.

I follow Comey on Twitter now. He's always saying telling things about justice, karma, and other things that might just be intended to get DJT's goat. Ha! I just realized, he's doing what Dumbledore does when he has to talk to people he doesn't like. He's unfailingly polite and dignified, even as his actions silently tell people to go fuck themselves.
Besides, Comey isn't Mike Pence. He and I could probably go out for a burger without our spouses present, and he wouldn't be frightened that my gender means I'm a ravenous amoral sex beast.
All things said and done, I would love to buy that man a beer.
And I don't even like beer.

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Soap!

2018-01-12T05:36:28Z

It's me, here again with a smooth new H-created logo and a new horror thing I'm gonna try.

As soon as my seed funding comes through, I'm becoming one of those housewives who makes and sells soap out of their home. Sounds froofy, right? I get it.

You know how every year I do a craft or bake something for my family? I'd been doing lip balms for a while now. I thought people were being polite when they said my stuff was better than store-bought and that I should sell it. After a year or so of formulation and testing, I realized they were right. But people have been making and selling balms for some time, and they are WAY more advanced than I in terms of flavors. There's an etsy store where the lip balms taste like 10 different types of beer. BEER!!! I'm not that chemistry-minded. I'm also not rich.

Last summer, I discovered the world of Melt & Pour soaps. They're kind of expensive if you get the good ones, but damn. Just...damn. This is the sort of craft a person like me can (and did) get way into. I already had a good base of knowledge thanks to my time making balms, studying aromatherapy for mental health, witchcraft, and all the other kooky shit I've gotten up to over the years. I'm pretty good with homemade HBAs anyway. And the horror? Come on. I don't think I'd ever even be asked to defend my horror cred. It's a given.

With that in mind...I made a bunch of test soaps that I subsequently handed out to friends and family this year. Oddly, I haven't heard a darn thing from any of my family about my soaps. Not even a thank you. But my friends have been most supportive, and I decided a few months ago that this is something I could do bigly, and in the long term.

My company is called Scared Soapless--because that's hilarious. Can't to abbreviated logos, because 'SS' will almost certainly get me punched in the face as a Nazi.
Not sure how huge these pics are, so I'll cut them. But this is what I've been working on. Picture them properly finished with sculpting tools, and painted with mica.
( Some ScaredSoapless test soaps: )
All this trial and error and a few more errors have helped me figure out how to avoid bubbles around the embeds, how to get the fragrances just right, and how to not put blue glitter in a clear base so it just looks gritty and icky. This has been super fun.

FYI, I'm offering a 5% share in the business for a seed investment of only $1,000.
That's really cheap, and if you had that kind of money to invest (up to $2K per investor), you'd probably be pretty foolish not to get in on this at the ground floor.

It kinda feels like every job and activity I've done in my life has come together to create this company. So why wouldn't you want in? No, I'm asking.

Pretty soon there will be a new blog just for soaps stuff. It'll cover horror, skin care, fragrance news, more horror, and new products and stuff. I want to get into some low level ointments and balms too, CBD oil and lavender (since my lavender extracts I made years ago are still amazing) and stuff like that. Wheeee! Plus my cousin Richard is building me a new website so I can list my stuff for sale.

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Holidays, Happy.

2017-12-31T06:33:03Z

Every time I come over here to post I feel like I should apologize for not having done so earlier. Screw it. I can't imagine that anyone is truly fussed about whether or not I blog.

What's up with me?
Well, I'm still hoping to start a new business venture this year. It's gonna take about $3,000 for startup expenses for my Kickstarter. I need to buy some things for packaging, bases and other supplies, a printer with all that entails plus paying my cousin to build the new website. That should allow me to launch a successful Kickstarter and get the money I'd need to carry us through the first six months to a year.

I'm finishing my business plan for Scared Soapless this week, and will be shooting it out to a few potential investors. Know a rich person, a horror fan maybe, who wants to invest in my horror-themed HBA business? Let me know and I'll shoot them a business plan. I'm told that there is a new tax plan that's going to make rich people invest like there's no tomorrow--so that will be nice. ;-)

Because H took a pay cut this year (his company stopped being open at night, so he doesn't get the overnight bonus anymore. It was more than $2 an hour, and I think it's quite shitty that his reward for 20+ years of excellent work is to fuck up his schedule and cut his pay, while telling him he can't freelance in graphic design. But I digress...), we decided not to do gifts for birthdays or Christmas even though we usually have a limit of $40 per. But when we decided this, I didn't mention that I was already done shopping for him. So he got an array of cool gifts (Funko, book, shirt, new backpack, bike tire patch kit, etc) and now feels bad because he didn't get me anything. Apparently, gesturing broadly at the apartment and items contained therein didn't make him feel better. *sigh*

Sadly, I got a note from Amazon telling me the jig is up with all the free shit I'd been getting for review. Almost every kid I know got a drone from us this year, and we still have plenty of nice drones. It's a bummer not to be getting more free stuff--I almost got a fog machine. I'll still get a few things here and there, but the steady stream of cheap Chinese electronics is over. #Sad

I did get a few cool gifts from friends and well-wishers, including:
A giant box of loofahs I can use for soaping
The Monkees S1 and S2 box sets (which is all of them)
A new portable vape for that thing I do.
Big basket of yummy fruit
Some really beautiful cards
A Fredo Corleone Funko fig
A cool tree ornament
plus H and I actually ate Christmas dinner at someone else's home where I didn't even have to cook. That was pretty amazing, and something we'd never actually done together (we've had dinner at other people's houses, but not for a holiday). We love salmon.

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There's No Need to Argue...Men Just Don't Understand...

2017-12-10T01:53:01Z

So much talk about sexual harassment has got me thinking.

I'm not gonna talk about the whole giant issue because it's too big and I'm not really an expert. Obviously, all those coming forward should have their complaints taken seriously and investigated fully without presumption about who might be lying and why.

That said, I also want to say this. I believe the men.
The men who say and think and do these things (#NotAllMen, yes, we know) seem to share a singular mindset on these issues. I'm speaking here about things that are NOT rape. Groping, jokes, literal grabass, whipping it out for a wank at work, etc. So before you all cry to your mamas about how oppressed this post is making you--please understand that when I say "men" here, I mean THIS TYPE of man, and only this type.

When men say, "that wouldn't bother me if a woman did it." I believe them.
I believe that they wouldn't feel frightened, demeaned, or diminished by a female (pardon the heteronormative language, used here for brevity) colleague because she spontaneously touched him in his bathing suit area even though they're supposed to be working.
I believe that these men don't have a sense of how dismissive, how mean-spirited doing that is. They see it as playful sexuality and nothing more.

When men say, "I don't see what the big deal is," I believe them.
I believe that a random hand on their nipple wouldn't ruin their whole day. Men would be unlikely to focus on that for days, or weeks. 'Can I safely be alone with this person?' 'Should I have someone walk me to my car?' 'Should I tell someone? What if there's retaliation?'
I believe that when men are touched in what they might call a "playfully sexual manner," that they aren't also getting the message that their boobs and butts are more interesting and important than the person they are, or the work they do. They don't worry that they're in danger.

When men say about accusers, "She's only saying that because she wants attention," I believe them.
I believe that they think women might lie just to feel powerful when they 'get men in trouble' (not stopping to think that it's not the snitch who gets the mafia don arrested--that he's getting arrested for crimes HE committed). I believe men don't know how awful, demoralizing, agonizing, humiliating and frustrating reporting allegations is. My experience with this has been laughably minimal, and I can still feel the clutching in my chest when I think of filling out a report with language like "He said {X}, which I found demeaning and embarrassing." It's not fun. It's not powerful--quite the opposite, actually. And that's before all the 'what were you wearing, how much did you drink' bullshit starts.

I don't know what the way to illustrate this to men is. I'm told that men fear women laughing at them in the same way we women fear men killing us for saying or doing the 'wrong thing' ie: a thing that makes them feel bad about themselves.
So maybe the equivalent would be that.
Maybe the way to help men understand would be to subject them--not to grabass or inappropriate sexual humor.
Maybe the right way would be to pass by someone's office and say, "Aw, bad mood? Did you catch a glimpse of your dick in the mirror or something?"
Because see, men are apparently mortified at the idea that they are less than manly.
"You don't want to go get a drink with us? Is that because your paltry paycheck isn't enough to support your family? Awwww..."
Even writing these last few lines feels gross to me. I don't want to engage in body shaming, or any kind of shaming for perceived inadequacy. But honestly--I want to find a way to help those who still don't get it--to get it.

Little help, internets?

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Soapyness

2017-10-27T00:45:56Z

Wow, I pretty much suck at blogging anymore.
Well, I do write roughly ten blog posts a week--but they're for clients and not for myself. I'm guessing no one wants to hear my thoughts on overhead garage doors or lifestyle tips for moms on a budget any more than I want to have them. But alas, we are poor.

Instead of doing holiday lip balms this year, I'm giving soaps a try. I thought this was a cool, fun idea until it exploded into crazy amounts of money spent, outrageous ideas for amazingly cool soaps, and an implosion of utensils that my kitchen will not soon forget.

People are already asking when I'm going to offer them for sale. I suck at new ventures, which is why I seem to always be just starting or abandoning one. But it would also be pretty cool to give up ad writing and ghost blogging to be able to make spooky (or similar) soaps full time. Personally, I've been using liquid soaps for so long that I forgot how much better the right bar soap is in every way...except convenience.

How does one make bar soap more convenient?

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Musicality

2017-09-03T10:33:39Z

It's no secret to anyone that I suck at music. More accurately, I've never really put a bunch of effort into learning an instrument. I've tried a few, and don't appear to have any real talent. My fingers don't like to cooperate with my brain (which may also be why I suck at yarn crafts and videogames that aren't puzzles), and I'm not very mathy. Plus, practicing an instrument is SOOOO repetitive that my mind starts to melt after about 20 minutes.

Still, I used to have a cool theremin that I built into a Mr Potato Head years ago. H bought me the kit back when we used to buy each other expensive gifts. I think it was around $80. Anyway, it was pretty badass. I do like to keep an array of odd instruments around the house. I have some sweet bongo drums I got in a pawn shop as a college student. I have a 90s Casio keyboard that I got from a dude who borrowed my Charles Manson autobiography and never gave it back. I have a student model lap dulcimer that's pretty sweet, and a recorder, because everybody has a recorder kicking around somewhere.

But I don't actually play these things. I make sounds with them, basically in the same way a toddler does with the pots and pans under the sink. Just flailing around banging stuff every which way until it makes the sound I'm going for. There's an ignorant, fumbling quality to it, which is why I prefer to play around with interesting or unusual instruments that fall comfortably into my fun budget.

Truth be told, the instrument I should actually have is something more like this:

Anyway, I loaned my theremin out to someone who instantly turned out to be the most irritating, selfish, thankless, rude fucker I have ever invited into my home. I'd rather just let them keep the fucking thing than deal with him long enough to get it back. That leaves me down one theremin.
I could possibly build a similar one again. But I'm looking at optical models instead. Those have a shorter pitch range, but here's the thing. I'm wondering if you couldn't build two optical Theremin circuit boards and house them in the same unit (maybe a lunchbox?) and install a switch so you can choose which one you want to use. It's still a monophonic instrument, but you'd have a wider range of notes available in a housing that wouldn't even need the obnoxious antennae. So I'm talking to a dude I know online to see if we can't figure out a way to make this happen. Personally, I can't imagine I could ever build a circuit board. But that's why hiring people is an option.

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Helpful Tips for Nazis

2017-08-16T02:30:09Z

Dear Nazis,

Congratulations! American apathy and misplaced aggression have created an environment that has allowed you emerge proudly from your hidey holes. You white supremacists have always had a wealth of pride, but ya'll don't even wear masks anymore. You present yourself as 'bravely' unafraid of the repercussions of your bullshit--which can only mean that you either think most people agree with you, or that the few who DO agree with you are powerful enough to protect you from those who don't. Good for you!
Take heed though, because whatever WWII books you've been reading--you clearly haven't quite made it to the end. Spoiler Alert: Hitler went out like a bitch. A #Cyka, if you will (and you know you will). Hitler's is one of the only suicides we can call "weak" and "candy-ass" and borne of "pure selfishness."

Now that you know about Hitler's cowardly suicide, his tacit deathbed realization that he'd been wrong all along, you can knock off that crazy bullshit and devote your time to other things. Right? RIGHT?!?
With that in mind, here's a list of things Nazis can do now that they know following Hitler is a huge fucking waste of time (because I just told them). Get ready for fun, Nazis!!

1. Charity Work. You love white people? Awesome. Charities that help white people include homeless shelters, halfway houses, drug treatment centers, mental health centers, food banks, blood drives, or just lending an elderly neighbor a hand with yard work or household repairs.
You're likely to find that helping the people you support is more fulfilling than trying to hurt the people you don't. Bonus: You'll also be less likely to do prison time.

2. Read. No offense, but a lot of you white supremacists have appalling grammar. I heard somewhere that anyone who wants to live in America should learn English. Well, you've been gifted 13 years of tax-payer funded education (you wacky socialist, you!). Still, you don't have it down yet if your misspelled, unpunctuated, 7-dots-in-an-ellipses Tweets are any indication. Take some time and get your proficiency up to say, a 6th grade level.
After all, the best way to feel superior to and smarter than others is to gain wisdom and knowledge, then apply what you learned to your life. You can do it!!!

3. Church. Or more appropriately: Catechism. You guys talk a lot about god this and god that, but you missed the memos on community, loving your fellow man (regardless of skin pigmentation) feeding the poor, and giving comfort to the weak and afflicted. If you still haven't found morality after attending church for a year, talk to an atheist or TST member. They can help.

4. Crafts. Everybody loves crafts. Glue popsicle sticks to make a swastikkka that will send your friends into a Furher. Use dry pasta and glitter to create a Dakow diorama that will give your great grandparents flashbacks. Paint your toy train to look like...I'm not finishing that sentence because, ew. Anyway, staying inside to craft keeps you from going out and seeing all the people ~~you're frightened of~~ you're against.

5. Send away your DNA for testing. This serves several purposes. First, most of you will learn that you have African ancestors. Second, most of you will learn that you have Latino, Asian, Middle-Eastern, or other non-lily-white ancestors. When you get your results, they must be read aloud at the next Klan meeting, Nazi rally, or white supremacy bake sale (you guys do that, right?). Finally, the rest of us might be able to figure out if virulent hate is ever passed genetically.

6. ISIS. If all else fails, and you really want to pretend that your violent sadism is part of a deeply felt, god-sent religious agenda, Congratulations! You feel the same way as ISIS. You hate American freedoms (like speech, and existing without being murdered by the Klan) and are against Democracy, the Free Market, Religious Freedom, and everything written on the Statue of Liberty. Lucky you! There's a group in place already fighting for those ideals, and they ~~fear~~ hate women almost as much as you do!
Bonus: Vlad Putin is also down with ISIS, and I hear he knows the 45th POTUS.

You're welcome.

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Nazis

2017-08-12T22:48:26Z

I live in a country with Nazis in it.
They helped elect the POTUS, who does not denounce white supremacy.
Coincidentally, he does not know even the most basic aspects of world (or even US) history. Which I guess means we're all condemned to repeat it.

Or we would, if climate change wasn't going to kill us all first.

One thing's for certain...I'm going to continue to smoke as much pot as I fucking want to, because I am sad and hopeless and unlikely to live to see 60.

For whatever reason, it seemed important to tell everyone about it.

In other news, the last grisly murder in Hellish Calling turned into a gay sex scene. I hate writing sex scenes, because the words we use to talk about sex all seem clinical or absurd. But this totally happened.

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Brain vacation

2017-08-05T22:21:57Z

One time, my electric toothbrush battery died. Instead of just brushing analog like a normal person, I stood there frozen--wondering how on earth I was gonna brush my teeth that day. I had to go to work! I couldn't NOT brush them...
This went down in history as my most absurdly absent-minded life events ever. Not a big deal, just a "holy crap, that was dumb" situation.

Today, my friends, I think I beat it.

We get tons of packages because of Amazon. We also get our groceries from there (well, 70% of them or so), plus I get a Box of Dread every month. So yeah, we're pretty packagey.
Today I got four packages, one of which was really super heavy.
The others were all Amazon stuff for review: some socks, another spy camera, another disco light, some really cool playing cards...like that. The heavy package was USPS priority mail. It was quite heavy and there was stuff moving around loose inside (not alive, but I feared breakage). I couldn't imagine what it could be, or even who it was from. I looked...but didn't know the person.
Turns out, the address label was sort of wonky, but the package wasn't even for me.

Since that bitch upstairs moved out, I don't actually know the names of any of our current neighbors. *pause to consider how sad that is* I got dressed and thought I'd try to figure it out. I walk into the hall, and look at the package again. It's addressed to, if you'll pardon the expression, a foreign-sounding name I couldn't begin to place with a nationality or region. But the cut off address was like [numbers Street, apartment numbe] But on the next line in a different font, it said R4.
Ah, I reasoned. This must be for apartment four.
Which one would that be...Hmmm.
The apartment across from me is #1, so I know it's not them. (if you've been to my place, you might already be laughing here. If not, fear not. Imma let me finish.)
I go down to the end of the hall...to see apartments #2 and #3. Wait, where are the people for the package? This makes no sense. Suddenly I can't even find Apartment 4. This is the dumbest thing ever. Who designed this stupid building anyway? I hate it here!
Still carrying the heavy package, I got back to my apartment...
...where I am reminded that WE are Apartment 4.

Oh FFS...

Anyway, I left the package by the mailboxes. I have even less idea who it might be for now.

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The Dead Are Coming for Us All...

2017-07-31T17:23:16Z

Drones are my new favorite thing in the world. We're getting one with a brushless motor this week. It's supposed to be super badass, even though it doesn't have a camera on it. I'm stoked. The one we tried this weekend was good. Another foldable:

Today I'm getting one of those 3D writing pens for review. I paid a little money for it, because I'd been wanting one. It was 85% off, so I'm not gonna complain about that.
It uses PLA plastic (best for beginners) instead of ABS (the strong kind). Been watching YouTubes of people making stuff with them. Should be fun.

Game of Thrones has been good. No surprises there.
The Strain has been amazing--which is a little more surprising.
We're also watching Preacher, also great.

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Summer, it's a thing now.

2017-07-28T02:27:25Z

My typical plan for summer is to stay the hell inside with so much air on that I sometimes get high and think it's fall. Because heat sucks. Global warming and I are totally not going to get along.

Spent a week house sitting while my more talented friends headed to SDCC. Got to play with doggies and kittens and watch a TV as big as my bed with a stereo louder than that really loud kid upstairs. We watched Skull Island, which was fun but not great. I spent most of it being irritated at the photographer who kept not taking pictures of stuff.
We also saw John Wick 2, which was awesome.
We rewatched Lego Batman and Guardians of the Galaxy, because I love Drax.
Not because I am Groot. I am not, in fact, Groot.

We got our 5th FREE drone this week, which is pretty friggin' cool. This one is another folding model. It's supposed to have one-key return, which will make it easier for a bonehead like me to fly it. I'm mostly just thrilled by having toys that fly. I suck at flying them even worse than I suck at zombie games. Anyway, we're getting a better drone next week, so H is extra stoked about that. For a few years I wanted to get him a decent toy drone to fly. But they were out of our budget. Now, it's pretty much raining drones.
Halleluiah.

The Radish thing is not thrilling me. They still don't have Horror listed as a genre, so my piece is in "general." Lame. I'm bugging them about it, but honestly I can't imagine that this is gonna become a thing for me. I'm a terrible judge of these things. But I'm not into the idea of spending another 18 months on a project that two dozen people see that I lose more money on.
Writing a test piece for a new gig this week. This has the potential to be killer, so I have high hopes.

Oh, and I hate the President. I make snarky comments to him every morning on Twitter, just because it makes me feel a tiny bit better. #LittleThings

Game of Thrones has kicked ass so far. Fuckin' Theon, seriously.

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Stuff I like:

2017-07-14T15:04:13Z

Taking a break from my usual complainy-pants ways to post about things that are going on in the world that I actually like. Here goes:

Patton Oswalt is engaged. This makes me very happy.

HBO leads the Emmy nominations, and Netflix is next.
This bodes well for people who enjoy quality television, if any.

Free drones. H and I (well, they're mine, but H is better at flying them) have gotten a total of four free drones for review. The most recent one is hella tiny. Like, hilariously so.

View post on imgur.com

Jim Jeffries show is pretty good. He looks good in a suit too. If I was merely moderately good looking and had a TV show, I'm not sure I'd bring in Brad Pitt. Or are they having an affair now too?

Still looking at dogs. Want to find a low-energy guard dog that isn't drooly and won't have a bunch of expensive health problems. Sorry, Bull Mastiff.

I think my sister-in-law might be my favorite person in the world. I totally hope she comes to live with us.

Still writing over to the Radish. This serial story seems to be going well, though this is not at all what I'm used to. Few things make me feel more like a horror writer than actually writing horror. I guess that's how it's supposed to be, right?

TV I'm going to try to get caught up on soon:
Glow
Fargo
Fear the Walking Dead

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Ending Up

2017-07-02T23:18:02Z

When I was a kid, the phrase "ended up" was heard often. It's supposed to indicate the end of a story. "She ended up marrying that guy from two towns over." As if that's the last thing she ever did. Kinda reminds me of fairy tales that end with a wedding, as if that's the last interesting thing that will ever happen to a person.

The older I get, the more I realize that people don't "end up" anywhere until they die. The guy who "ended up" getting a job at his dad's company after college? He doesn't work there anymore. In fact, the company doesn't exist. The chick who "ended up" moving to California has lived in six other states since then.
I kinda wonder how many people have stopped doing things, trying things, or pursuing things because they felt like they "ended up" somewhere they didn't want to be.

But really, does anyone really "end up" anywhere, except cemeteries and places ashes are thrown?

In drone news, we're having better luck with the tiny drones than the big ones. I think they sent us the wrong propellers for the big drone. One side won't lift even though everything seems to be in order. Dronies I've talked to say it's probably a misaligned propeller.
Still, the box did take a mighty whallop on its way to us. The inside box wasn't damaged, but who knows. Anyway, waiting to hear back from the seller.

Have also been fielding questions from a total stranger asking me why I think I can spend "their tax dollars" on drones. WTF?!?
a) We didn't buy the drones, they're review items we got for free
b) If there's a government program that gives away drones, this is the first I'm hearing of it.
c) OMGLOLSTFU seriously.
d) *block*

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Selfishness

2017-06-24T00:34:05Z

I'm going to be completely selfish in this post. What's new, right?

I am far too young to have lost so many classmates to early death. Sure, I'm almost 50, (well, turning 47 this year, so closer to 50 than 40) and that's a lot more time than a lot of people get. Hell, it might be more time than most people get. I haven't looked it up.

At this point, I went to school with people who died and left behind young kids. Cancer, brain tumors, AIDS, accidents, and a bunch of suicides. Come to think of it, I think I know of more suicide deaths from my peer group than accidents or violent crimes.

Feeling the death of another classmate today.
He was a good guy, never a dick to anyone online--which is a major achievement in my world, since most of the people I know online are the occasional penis-for-brains.
Jim left behind friends and family who are devastated by the loss. I can't even imagine it.

As many of you know, my greatest fear is H dying. When something really frightens me, I sit down and try to think up all the worst case scenarios and figure out what I'd do if they happened. I've figured out zombies, alien invasion, fire, plague, nuclear war, my mom showing up here, and a militia takeover of the state. Damn glad I know people in the militia now.
But when I try to think through what I'd to if H died, all I can see is me sitting in my good chair, staring into space and waiting for someone to notice that they haven't seen me around in a while. Then I'd die. That's not supposed to get your attention or make you feel bad for me. It's rather a crushing defeat to know that after 17+ years with H, that I literally have no idea how I'd manage to live and function without him. Hilariously, most of the people I know have ONLY known me with H. Aside from family and a few classmates I talk to on FB, "Wednes and H" are the only way we exist for them.
So yeah, I have no idea how people pick themselves up and get over it. I'd probably just send messages to Patton Oswalt every day until his agent's assistant's social media manager told me to stop.

As for the rest of life, working on Hellish Calling and dealing with the Radish site not working well, or maybe me not knowing how to work it. Either way, it's slow going.

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I'm Sure I Don't Know...but Radishes though.

2017-06-14T05:38:42Z

I have a terrible track record when it comes to media and popularity. What I mean is, some of the new shows I hear about...I think are the most disgusting and offensive ideas ever. And then they become huge hits:

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (stereotype much)
The Biggest Loser (surely people know that's unhealthy and fake)
Storage Wars (strangers fight over cherished possessions of poor people)
American Idol (mostly that beginning part where they mock sincere people)
Dancing with the "Stars" (who the hell cares if Ben Nye can dance?)

That doesn't even get into reality shows that exploit families with any sort of unusual traits. Too fat, too skinny, overwhelming amounts of kids, poly, weird religions, dwarves, rednecks, whatever, or things like Prime Time wife-swapping. I'm terrible at determining what kind of things will be popular, and what will be scorned. That's also why shows I like so seldom make it past 3 seasons.

With all that in mind, it's probably good that the new project I'm embarking on feels somewhere between an unholy terror and a colossal waste of time. ( Cut for complaining ) I've begun so many projects thinking, "Okay, this is the thing that will get me noticed," but then it isn't. Even bearing in mind that there's really no tipping point where people go from nothing to SUCCESS, I have to think there are stages at which large amounts of new people take an interest in the work.

The new project is at the Radish app. It's new around here, but has been popular in Korea and Japan and thereabouts for a while. They publish serial fiction in a whole bunch of genres. They said they were looking for horror writers, but that's not even an option yet on their site. So we shall see...
I'm publishing chapters weekly in a serial format. I get paid based on readership, which is not really the important part. It's a way to reach a new audience and get some new fiction out there, which I haven't been doing much of in favor of commission work and paid media stuff. New chaps will go up every Wednesday (see what I did there?).

What's the story? I'm so glad you asked.
But I'm not telling you except that it will feature a revolving cast of regular people and their interactions with Max, a guy who looks normal but is actually an employee of Hell.
Yeah, that Hell. ;-)
H has been a bit of a stressbag since they changed his work schedule.
That means I had to do my own cover design, which I'm not great at.
They also don't allow words on the covers. This is what I ended up with.

View post on imgur.com

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What ISN'T Offensive?

2017-06-01T20:16:02Z

Did you see the piece in Teen Vogue about a makeup artist that transformed a white model, giving her the look of a woman of color? Apparently, people are calling this "blackface" and saying how super offensive it is. As you might think, I disagree.

Obviously, whether someone is offended is between them and the art. My point is not to tell anyone that they shouldn't be offended. But blackface and minstrel shows are not remotely the same as using makeup to transform a model. It's not done to mock, harass, stereotype, or profit from the images of POC. Again, if that still offends you, that's your business. But telling the artist that he's hateful is not cool. Demanding that he take down his work or stop making it is also not cool.

There's something else though. There's an idea among white liberals now that if you hear any POC say they don't like something--you're not allowed to like it either, else you're oppressing people. Obviously, not all POC will agree on any one issue, and suggesting that they should or do is pretty fucking racist. It's a good thing for us white people to ease up on the idea that everything should be catered toward us. But I'm already tired of having white people explain to me that my views are wrong--because they once spoke to a POC who held a differing opinion. I know POC too. How many do I have to find that agree with me before I'm allowed to maintain my personal opinion?

In the end, the purpose of art is to challenge people, make them think. That means being uncomfortable sometimes. It also means that people will discuss, even argue, the way they see art differently. That's not just okay, it's vital and necessary. By that same token, there's no art (or humor, for that matter) that one couldn't describe as offensive to someone or something.

Take one of my fave paintings, Picasso's Guernica (take THAT!).
Here's a smattering of what people might say about that painting if it were unveiled today, and depicted a more modern tragedy:
"He's making a painting about [tragedy]? What sicko wants to see that?"
"Oh sure, profit off the war why don't you? Fascist!"
"This asshole wouldn't be painting pretty pictures if he'd ever fucking been in a battle!"
"Where does he get off speaking for people of [place]?!?"
"There's nothing artistic about war. War is hell."
"I'm so sick of hearing about [event], why can't people just let things go?"
"Artsy Fartsy cuck paints woman holding dead baby, calls it art. Bullshit."
"We should boycott [museum] and make sure Picasso never works again!"
"Fuck painters! Sit inside all day and didn't even join the military! MAGA"
and so forth.
"Great, another white man speaking for minorities! Shut up and listen, Pablo!"

IDEA: I've been thinking about a project wherein people send me jokes and I explain what's potentially offensive about them. The point is to demonstrate that ANY joke can be considered offensive, because every joke comes from a place of absurdity or exaggeration. I just don't know how to figure out the mechanics of such a thing. Is Twitter the best place for that? Or a Reddit AMA?

Example:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
"Who are YOU to interrogate that chicken? He was probably escaping from the harrowing industrial farm complex where chickens like him/her are tortured every day. But you don't care about that, you savage carnivore! Where that bird wants to go is none of your business, they don't owe you an explanation, and it's offensive that you would even ask."

I would accept responses within a specified period. The goal would be for people to try to find a joke that can't possibly be described as offensive, then I point out how it could be.

Ultimately, we're all allowed to find things awesome or offensive if we want to (or against our will, I suppose), and to share those thoughts with the world. What we don't get to do is force people to stop expressing themselves because we don't like what they're saying. Sure, we may want to limit our exposure to such things, or even limit the venues that allow such people/works to have a voice. I wouldn't want my tuition dollars supporting an Ann Coulter or Milo speech. But they still should be allowed to speak.

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The Signs

2017-05-23T05:22:43Z

I'm trying to identify the signs of when a person starts slipping into alt-right theology. I'm not sure if the people I'm noticing have always been a little off, but I know a few people now who have gone from normal and reasonably intelligent to Alex Jones listening, Glenn Beck agreeing, 'why are people so hateful to Trump/Pence' spewing.

Imma focus on two guys I knew in college. I don't wanna use their real names, so I'll call one Bee and one Jay.
When I met Bee, he was a non-trad student with a giant ego who acted like he was way smarter than other students because he "waited to go to school." What? He treated women poorly, drank a lot, lied to get out of trouble, paid me to do assignments, and presented himself differently to different people in huge and humiliating ways. We also slept together a bunch of times, and he told everybody not only that we DIDN'T sleep together, but that I was telling people we had and nobody should listen to me. I won't bother explaining how hurtful that was to a fat girl who thought she had a friend with benefits.
So when I ran into this dude on Facebook years later, he told me all about his wife before asking if I wanted to meet someplace and fuck. When I said No, I got a long diatribe about how I didn't understand how the world worked. He started sending me insane links and racist shit all the time. I'd try to discuss it with him, but he just went more and more off the deep end. Finally he said he was going to ban me from Facebook. I eventually learned he thought that if he banned someone from his page, they couldn't go on FB at all. Smart, right?

Jay and I had a similar background, except we lived in the same house. We ran in the same departments, had the same friends, and fooled around a few times despite never actually dating. Because college, yo. We did a few projects later on, and again, I was offered some no-strings sex even though Jay was clearly in a committed, live-in relationship with someone. I don't mention the sex stuff to advertise myself as a slut or whatever. It's just that treating women as a tool rather than a person seems part and parcel to the alt-right. (and make no mistake, if you're STILL supporting what Trump and Pence are doing, you're alt-right)
After 9/11, I started getting racist forwards from Jay. When I told him at length why I didn't want him sending me racist, anti-Muslim shit, he told me it was no big deal and not to get riled. Lately, Jay has been posting stuff on social media, then saying he doesn't want to discuss it. He deletes comments he doesn't agree with, and makes outlandish statements he can't defend with a single fact or verifiable example.
If Jay says something "happens equally on the left and right," Jay needs to back that shit up with at least two examples. Telling someone to "google it" when they ask you to defend some outlandish assertion you've made? No. If you know the facts of the point you're making, either state them or admit you don't have any.

Sure, it's not a lie to say that I get fired up about politics. The word "obnoxious" may not even be far off at times. While I've always done this, it's extra important now that so many poor/middle-class people are about to have their lives made a whole lot more difficult, dangerous, and full of denial of services.
On the off chance that one of my comments is deleted, I spend a few minutes considering whether I've been rude, off topic, or said something false. If none of those are the case though, I'm out. I don't have an interest in playing on an unlevel field. I have to do that in real life every day, so I'll be damned if I do it in conversations with friends. I won't discuss anything in a forum where dissent is silenced. Even if I'm not the one being silenced, I don't want any part of that.

These are the signs I've noticed in people turning toward the alt-right"
--Dislike for/distortion of PC Culture (being sensitive to the fact that not everyone is the same gender, religion, race, color, orientation, etc as you are, and that there's nothing wrong with that)
--Victim Blaming
--Vague admiration for how things "used to be," usually while forgetting many, many things from that era.
--Lumping people into groups and then into We and They.
--Being angry about things they can't explain ("Hillary did Benghazi" What do you mean? What do you think she did exactly? "Look it up, stoopit")
--Anti-woman sentiment (includes lying to wife/gf, trivializing or minimizing their concerns, slut-shaming, as well as basic rape culture stuff)
--Complaining about other people's English when they write like a sleepy toddler.
--Pro-confederacy or anti-BLM statements (including "it's my heritage")
--Distorting other people's statements to more easily discredit them
--Denying that they've said things they've said
--Refusing to take major news outlets seriously--including WaPo, NYT, and Reuters.
--Asking for explanations, then shouting over responses

Why is this important? Honestly, I wish it wasn't.
I wish this was as simple as "Oh, you like Reagan? I think he's a liar who doesn't give a shit about the poor, so I'm for Jimmy Carter." You can disagree for a bit and then talk about something else. Now, supporting DJT means thinking women should be punished for having an abortion, or that banning people from our country based on their religion is not just okay--but a step in the right direction. To support this administration, you have to either believe, or not care that the law will reflect beliefs, in misogyny, homophobia, racism, xenophobia, and that will ensure that most people will no longer be able to get treatment for illnesses or injuries regardless of their seriousness. Oh, and you have to be okay with Christianity (and ONLY Christianity) being taught in public schools.
I know I'm not exactly saying anything new here. But dammit, this is getting harder and harder as time goes on. I can't imagine the logic or reasoning of why a normal, educated adult would suddenly buy into that garbage. The answer has to be that it's not as sudden as I think it is...

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Blogging even less

2017-05-17T02:45:26Z

Since Livejournal went the way of POTUS45, by which I mean, under total Russian control while pretending everything is the same as it's always been, I've not been able to read anyone's stuff. Drag. As a result, I spend even less time in the bloggerverse than I had been. Plus, Facebook is where everyone is. I mostly use this space for long rants or things I want to keep easy access to.

Anyway, writing for a living makes me want to write less for fun and pleasure. Plus my new desk is awesome, but my chair is now monstrously uncomfortable. I ordered the Queen of all Purple Cushions, but despite swarms of ads, they don't have any to ship. I'm told they won't ship for several more weeks, which is a drag.

I still don't know how to plot this screenplay properly, and my "writing partner" hasn't been partnering much. I was hoping an enthusiastic partner would inspire me to...I don't know, be more inspired. But no. So far I feel more frustrated, and more cautious because I'm aware that I have a tendency to railroad people and don't want to do that here.

Plus, POTUS45 still hasn't been impeached. His minions are protecting him at every turn, which is how we got into this mess in the first place. *sigh*

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Whaddaya MEAN You've Never Heard of Me?!?

Zombies and the Books that Contain Them

It'sa Me!!

Amazon Weaning

We doth not purchase it...

*grabby hands*

How would YOU like to give ME some money?

Fun-eral

I have a crush on James Comey

Soap!

Holidays, Happy.

There's No Need to Argue...Men Just Don't Understand...

Soapyness

Musicality

Helpful Tips for Nazis

Nazis

Brain vacation

The Dead Are Coming for Us All...

Summer, it's a thing now.

Stuff I like:

Ending Up

Selfishness

I'm Sure I Don't Know...but Radishes though.

What ISN'T Offensive?

The Signs

Blogging even less

grabby hands