wednes | Angry

As most of you regular readers know, my mom is a very angry person. Zero-to-pissed at the drop of a hat. Angry when someone uses a word or phrase she doesn't know, furious when anything doesn't go as planned--no matter how minor; flies into a rage over anyone daring to disagree--infinitely worse if someone dares to suggest that she's wrong about something, and catagory 5 tornado of rage if she actually turns out to be wrong. When I was a kid, she threw a swingline stapler at my face because I said Ally Sheedy was a brunette in The Breakfast Club even though she's a redhead in real life. I know...clearly something you need to do violence to your kid over, right?

I've been feeling angry for well over a year now. My usual mode is sarcasm. Most of what I encounter (granted, this is home, work, friends, shopping, and the internet--all pretty irritating) ends in my feeling somewhere between annoyed and incensed. It doesn't just affect my feelings. It affects my real work, my stupid-day-job that I hate, and everything else I need to do. I've stopped leaving the house for all non-essential activities--I don't even go grocery shopping anymore. I can't get into a car without constantly thinking of hurling myself out of it while it's moving (though this is more of an express way thing, not around down). Last night I thought about what would happen if I smothered H with a pillow so he wouldn't have to put up with my crap. (No, I'm not actually going to do it.) That's the same rationale that mommies use when they drown their kids in a bathtub, or drive them over a bridge.

I don't mind telling you, that scares the crap out of me. If I was still single and sans insurance, I'd get myself admitted to inpatient psyche. I clearly need it. I can feel an utter emotional collapse coming on. As it is, inpatient psyche for even a week would wipe out our entire savings. Every last bit and then some. So I'm stuck. And guess what? That makes me angry too.

In other news, The Walking Dead sucks. Fuck those guys. I'm putting my Evil Dead article on hold so I can write about this in detail for ZZN.

I'm delighted to hear that the feds are now involved in Trayvon Martin's murder. All you pricks who went on and on over KONY don't seem to give a shit about an American kid who got murdered by some neighborhood watch loon who calls the cops every time a neighbor sneezes. This kind of goes back to my earlier point about how fucked up everything gets when people can't get the mental health treatment they need.
And the Obama spokesman who said the White House doesn't want to be involved? Seriously? We ~~invade~~ liberate and free every oil-infested country in the whole damn world--but when a young kid is murdered for the heinous crime of buying candy in a posh neighborhood--suddenly we don't want to be involved?
I call bullshit on that.

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Well, the justice department is finally getting involved, so I guess the White House changed its mind. Unbelievable how this case has been handled. Well, not really.

I'm so fed up with everything, so I hear you on the anger stuff. I don't think I'm a danger to myself or others, but I'm just so sick of things that are feeding into it, and I don't really know what to do about it. It's really easy to say "don't let things get to you." It's something else to actually do it. Ugh. *hugs*

*nods* Yup. I actually think people who can turn their emotions on and off at will have their own kind of mental illness. But since that improves, rather than impedes quality of life, it'll never be studied.

"As most of you regular readers know, my mom is a very angry person. Zero-to-pissed at the drop of a hat. "

Sister in broken-ness, you aren't alone on this road!

The in-patient thing might not be such a bad idea, especially if things are going bad at your work - it might help to keep that stuff on track.

I realized too late that I was going to lose a job over anger that didn't even totally feel like mine. It was just some random inherited characteristic like bad feet and blue/gray/green eyes. I should have taken more advantage of the therapy I could have had.

Nope, things that keep us compliant and easy to handle never are.

Something tells me that living in a homeless shelter, or perhaps a cardboard box, is NOT going to put me in a better space. I'm confident that I'd feel much better after a week or two of inpatient, but again, just the deductable would wipe out our entire savings--not counting the other 20% they don't pay (at least another 5K) and the time I'd miss from working. The only way it would be possible is if I quit my job and got a divorce.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Unfortunately, yeah, brain chemistry is heritable as fuck, so it's not surprising that you find yourself sliding into your mother's emotional ruts. Add to that the fact that the way we deal with emotions is mostly learned from our parents, and it's a pretty shitty deal. On the plus side, I don't know if she was medicated, but you are/can be (and if you both were/are, the difference 25 years makes in drug technology is significant. Compare MAOIs to SNRIs for instance), and that can make a hell of a difference. Furthermore, you recognise the problem, and can hold up a negative example - something you don't want to be - which helps any counselling or mood therapy you may pursue.

Basically, you were dealt a REALLY shitty hand, but you have tools available to you to overcome it. Becoming your mother is by no means a sure thing.

I believe in you!

Thanks, man.
I do think my willingness to seek treatment and try meds has put me worlds ahead of her. She honestly thought it was just me making her angry and violent--and continued to think this until I hadn't spoken to her in over a decade. It's pretty crazy.

I'm waiting for them to call me back so I can get a psyche appointment. Who knows, they may even know of a way I can go inpatient without ending up homeless.

I realize I'm coming at this from a Canadian perspective, which is totally a different world, but hopefully most of what I'm about to say is more-or-less universal. The hospitals I'm familiar with have a department called "Mental Health and Addictions Services" (it may be called something different where you live), which is mostly outpatient programs rather than inpatient treatment. The department provides things like group therapy (for various things including mood disorders) and outpatient counselling with psychologists, as well as booking appointments with psychiatrists if necessary (although psychiatrists usually just fiddle your meds around and suggest a psychologist, who can see you more often than they can).

I've heard it said that outpatient programming is often better than an inpatient stay, because as an inpatient you don't have to deal with daily stressors, so you aren't forced to work through them with your team, and when you leave everything kind of hits you like 100 degree heat after an air conditioned building. Whereas with outpatient programming, you can work through your issues as they come up, and give real-time feedback on coping strategies they teach you.

I don't know what your insurance covers, or what the price is for these various treatment strategies, or even what's available in your area. But an appointment that only takes an hour twice a week, or group that meets in the evenings is certainly less of a financial burden than leaving work for a week or two. Find out what options are available to you.

I know what you're getting at, and I appreciate it. I've gone through just under 3 years of hardcore therapy that ended right around the time I got married and started my current job--so almost 5 years ago now.

Sadly, the programs in my area like the ones you describe are not open to people with insurance. Sadly, we have insurance that we pay a LOT for, but the deductibles are still too high. If one of us was seriously injured, we'd lose our entire savings--and since we rent, we'd be homeless. Any sort of medical stay would require this. I do plan to check again when I see the doc, but as far as I know, there is no affordable day-hospital, or group program in the area. EMDR (which I sorely need) is not covered, and any one-on-one therapy session is $75 out of pocket not counting transportation to get back and forth.

Maybe if I learned French and figured out how to be less reactionary, indulgent, and paranoid, I could pass as a Canadian? ;-]

fwiw, I totally support you sneaking into the Canadian healthcare system and scamming the hospitals into helping you. My tax dollars are for helping.

*hug*

Aw, thanks!
We'll see what happens after I hear back from the doc.

Having read about your financial barriers to in- or outpatient treatment, I'm wondering if there are any local therapy groups that are free in your area - not an income-based program, just a support group for mental illness where you can talk with other people in a guided and mediated session. Until you can get assistance with getting medication or other forms of treatment, that might help stave off some of the flare-ups for a bit if there's something like that available.

Whatever happens, I really hope you're going to be okay.

Thanks. I imagine I will be. The big question is if I get to quit my day-job before I freak the hell out on someone and get fired.

Calling the nurse back so I can get a doc appointment tomorrow to see about changing the meds. Not sure there'll be a decent solution since those drug companies hold on to those patents like their balls. One of them was supposed to go generic this year, but now isn't until at least 2015.

Angry

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