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Be Your Own BFF
I've talked about this a few times in passing, but decided recently that it's an important enough concept that it deserves a post of its own. I'm framing it in terms of women. But if you're a dude and the advice makes sense to you, by all mean avail yourself of it.
I know plenty of women who struggle with interpersonal relationship issues whether at home, with extended families, at work, the neighborhood--whatever. Often times, we struggle with whether or not it's "worth it to say something" or more specifically--we worry about what will happen and/or what people will say about us if we do or say something in our own defense. I know women who remain in inappropriate relationships because "Who am I to say I deserve better?" I have friends who have accepted various types of harassment with quiet grace, not considering that their silence leaves other people vulnerable to abusers and harassers of all kinds because "It's not that big a deal; I can handle it." We all have lots of excuses why it's not a good idea to stand up for ourselves. So we hope that he'll stop drinking less and realize what a good thing they have in us. We tolerate an unacceptable work situation and halfheartedly scroll through job listings when we are especially angry. We roll our eyes and wish things could be different. We tolerate. We accept.
In a general sense, tolerance and acceptance are wonderful things. But when we're being treated in ways that harm us, we need to stand up. That's the advice I'd give my best friend.
*lightbulb appears over head*
I propose that instead of letting all those excuses (okay, and reasons) keep us from working toward the life and relationships we want--that We follow the advice we would give to our own best friends. Or at the very least, that we apply that advice to ourselves, even if we ultimately make another choice.
Do we tell our best friends to tolerate abuse and/or stay with an abuser?
Do we suggest that maybe if they act nicer, their mean boss will stop making personal insults?
Have we ever told a friend that maybe the reason their mother is so critical is that they haven't really done much with their life?
Have we told a friend that maybe once they lose weight they'll be able to find someone who isn't always looking at other women--but for now we should just stay put?
Or that maybe they should act less *insert thing here* so people won't pick on us.
No, we don't.
Most of us would stay up all night talking down a friend in trouble. We'd do our very best to help them see how wonderful and valuable they are--that they deserve good things, and that there's nothing wrong with asking for them--even demanding them in some cases. We tell our friends that they deserve to be treated in a respectful and dignified manner--and if they aren't getting that treatment, to surround themselves by people who aren't mean spirited asshats.
So again, I propose that we all try to treat ourselves as well as we treat our best friend.
If it's good advice for them, it's almost certainly good advice for us.
The only thing worse than being treated horribly by other people, is thinking they're treating you that way because you deserve it.
Love this concept? Do share it with your BFFs!
I know plenty of women who struggle with interpersonal relationship issues whether at home, with extended families, at work, the neighborhood--whatever. Often times, we struggle with whether or not it's "worth it to say something" or more specifically--we worry about what will happen and/or what people will say about us if we do or say something in our own defense. I know women who remain in inappropriate relationships because "Who am I to say I deserve better?" I have friends who have accepted various types of harassment with quiet grace, not considering that their silence leaves other people vulnerable to abusers and harassers of all kinds because "It's not that big a deal; I can handle it." We all have lots of excuses why it's not a good idea to stand up for ourselves. So we hope that he'll stop drinking less and realize what a good thing they have in us. We tolerate an unacceptable work situation and halfheartedly scroll through job listings when we are especially angry. We roll our eyes and wish things could be different. We tolerate. We accept.
In a general sense, tolerance and acceptance are wonderful things. But when we're being treated in ways that harm us, we need to stand up. That's the advice I'd give my best friend.
*lightbulb appears over head*
I propose that instead of letting all those excuses (okay, and reasons) keep us from working toward the life and relationships we want--that We follow the advice we would give to our own best friends. Or at the very least, that we apply that advice to ourselves, even if we ultimately make another choice.
Do we tell our best friends to tolerate abuse and/or stay with an abuser?
Do we suggest that maybe if they act nicer, their mean boss will stop making personal insults?
Have we ever told a friend that maybe the reason their mother is so critical is that they haven't really done much with their life?
Have we told a friend that maybe once they lose weight they'll be able to find someone who isn't always looking at other women--but for now we should just stay put?
Or that maybe they should act less *insert thing here* so people won't pick on us.
No, we don't.
Most of us would stay up all night talking down a friend in trouble. We'd do our very best to help them see how wonderful and valuable they are--that they deserve good things, and that there's nothing wrong with asking for them--even demanding them in some cases. We tell our friends that they deserve to be treated in a respectful and dignified manner--and if they aren't getting that treatment, to surround themselves by people who aren't mean spirited asshats.
So again, I propose that we all try to treat ourselves as well as we treat our best friend.
If it's good advice for them, it's almost certainly good advice for us.
The only thing worse than being treated horribly by other people, is thinking they're treating you that way because you deserve it.
Love this concept? Do share it with your BFFs!