10 Fictional Characters YOU want on your offensive zombie team:
It's no secret that more people than ever are planning for the zombie apocalypse. I know plenty of people who spend more time developing a zombie defense plan than planning for college, retirement, or what they'd do if they won a million dollars. You've probably thought about which of your favorite fictional characters from TV and films you'd want fighting off the undead with you. I don't just mean fighting with Ash or Alice or the guys from Shaun of the Dead. I mean how characters who have never even seen a zombie before would handle them—surely you've thought about it?
What? You haven't? Well, that's just weird. Luckily, I took the time to make a list just for you, in no particular order:
--Ellen Ripley: It is well established that Ellen Ripley knows how to stay calm and kick ass during a crisis. Better still, Ripley actually follows the regulations designed to keep catastrophes from happening. With minimal training and equipment, she fights her way through three fantastic Alien films…and then another one. She exhibits proficiency with weapons, strategic defense skills, loader driving (believe me, it's more useful than you think), and a general ability to keep her wits about her. Ripley is a must-have for zombie situations. Best of all, she has a strong moral center that will keep her from murdering you, no matter how egregiously you screw her over.
--General Maximus Decimus Meridius: (Gladiator, to his enemies) This guy is a fighter. Close combat man, he's got it covered. Sword work will prove invaluable during a zompocalypse, and nobody is better trained than an old-school pre-gunpowder sword swinging gladiator. Equally valuable to the sword, a properly wielded shield can make all the difference. As a soldier, Maximus is acclimated to going for long periods without food or water. Anybody who can fast for days and still beat up a tiger is someone I want on my team—even if he is husband to a zombified wife and son.
--Legolas: If you're going to incorporate an archer into your team, and Green Arrow is otherwise engaged, you can't do much better than the Elf known as Legolas. He is, as they say, peerless. If it happens that you need to kill a specific zombie from very far away—Legolas can oblige. So look out, zombie-Jay-Leno and undead-Rosie-O'Donnell, or the elf guy will um…arrow you. As you can see in this pic, Legolas takes zombie fighting pretty seriously.
--Yu Shu Lien: Perhaps you don't remember her name, but when I mention Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, she is the first thing that comes to mind. An amazing fighter, fiercely loyal, she will make a fine addition to any zombie fighting force. When you're forming your zombie attack team, consider that these may end up being the people who survive to repopulate the earth. We can't have all of humanity descend into a seething pool of homliness. For every funny-looking Legolas, you're going to need someone attractive to balance him out. With that in mind, Yu Shu Lien is a big WIN.
--The Bride: A roaring rampage of revenge is nothing to mess with, especially when it comes in the form of one of the deadliest women on earth. While any of the Five Deadly Vipers would be handy in a battle with the undead, only The Bride can be trusted not to stab you in the back…or shoot you in the head. Anyone who's seen her battle with the Crazy 88's knows that Beatrix Kiddo is more than ready to take on the horde.
--Jason Bourne: Hero of books and films alike, Jason Bourne is an unstoppable fighting machine. Well-versed in multiple kinds of combat, skilled in breaking in and out of places, hotwiring and driving any number of conveyances, Bourne has it all. So what if he doesn't always know who he is, who he was working for, or why so many people are trying to kill him? What he lacks in cohesion, he more than makes up for in hunkiliciousness.
--Sayid Jarrah: Speaking of attractive and deadly fellas, Sayid Jarrah is definitely welcome on my team. While it seems that nearly every character on LOST was an awesome shot and knew how to knock someone out with one blow (without killing them—amazing!), Sayid had so much more. The guns, the training, the electronics, mechanics, breaking that guy's neck with both hands tied behind his back—is there anything Sayid can't do? **sigh** He can't find happiness, but that doesn't make him any less valuable in a zombie infestation situation.
--Mace Windu: Despite succumbing to the most infuriating death in all of Star Wars, Mace Windu is a total badass—even compared to other Jedi Knights. One of the last Jedi Council members to support the Galactic Republic, Mace Windu's fight scenes are as legendary as his mastery of The Force. If there's a better weapon to fight hordes of undead than a light saber ™ this will be the first I've heard of it. And if you have your choice of Jedi Knights, there's no reason not to choose the Master of the Order.
--Sarah Connor: As everyone knows from the first Terminator movie, there were a couple of Sarah Connors. I refer here to the one who lived long enough to bring John Connor into the future with the help of the Governor of California. The one who became the fightingest single mom in American history. Sarah Connor is highly trained, in top physical condition, and it completely unafraid to die. She may not live forever, but you can bet she's gonna take down a crapload of zombies before she goes out. She's in!
--Professor John Frink: As a Simpsons fan, I wanted to bring at least one Springfieldian along for the zombie-infested ride. But who? Surely none of the actual Simpsons. Only Lisa wouldn't be a seriously liability, and the zombie apocalypse is no place for an 8-year-old girl. Snake is untrustworthy, Flanders won't want to shoot anything, Wiggum is a joke. No…Springfield's only hope against undead invaders is Professor Frink. Only he will be able to invent something fantastically clever enough to defeat them all in a single episode. There's no telling what kind of undead shenanegans might necessitate a frog exaggerator, hamburger ear muffs, a sarcasm detector, or flubber—but with Frink on your side, your team will be ready.
Hon Mention: Galactus. I'm not exactly sure how one gets Galactus on your side. But if you can manage it, he would be, if nothing else, a solid Plan B in your zombie contingency plan.